How do I cope with someone treating me very badly?

[Anonymous]

I was dating someone who had expressed doubts about the relationship before but also said he wanted to try. Recently, he pressured me into sleeping with him by saying things like ‘please’ and ‘yes, you’re ready.’ and ‚i‘ve been so patient‘ and „stop overthinking“. Then, just about 5 minutes after we did, while I was still undressed, he broke up with me. I feel incredibly hurt, disrespected, and used. Has anyone else experienced something like this? Is this a common thing, and how do you cope with this? I really don‘t know what to do and it makes me feel sick and incredibly sad…

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you went through this, I went through similar except our breakup happened the next morning. It took my months to get out of my rut, I was in the worst depression I’ve ever experienced and have never felt lower or more degraded. I spent endless time in my head combing over the entire relationship, trying to pinpoint what went wrong and where, or understand how someone who allegedly loved me so much he wanted to marry me could hurt me so deeply and not even seem to care. What I realized is that he stopped caring a long time prior, same with your ex. What I also realized is that I was so hurt because I wasn’t living in reality and instead I was driven off the future I envisioned. I side-swept important red flags, as you did when your ex was expressing doubts. You’ve got to take accountability for letting that slide, or for hearing his constant begging, nagging, pressuring and pushing for sex yet not only staying with this man but actually going through with the deed. I’m not sure if your spiritual or not but I truly believe that god has to force our hand about leaving situations alone when we refuse to do it ourselves and block our blessings. God saw that the person he intended for you could never walk through the door while your ex stood in the doorway. In all honesty you probably wouldn’t have been ready to end things on your own accord, so your ex had to do it and in a way that was so bad you’d hopefully never take him back. All this to say, maybe this was a blessing in disguise. You can’t see it right now while you’re grieving but eventually you will.

[Asker]

thank you so much for your kind reply, it really helped me a lot! i‘m also sorry that you went through a similar situation, this is really a horrible feeling and you did not deserve this at all. it‘s so shitty. i really hope that you were able to work through this and you are better now.

actually, my ex just showed up at my place today, giving me a letter, apologizing a lot and saying he wants me back and he feels bad. part of me wants to forgive him and give it another chance to have a more beautiful experience than this but it would probably be the wrong thing to do, right? do you think he could change and that he actually regrets it?

[Opinion Owner]

No problem love, I’m glad I could say something that helped. It’s been 4 years since my situation happened, and I was fortunate enough to meet the guy I’m in a relationship now about 7 months afterwards.

From experience, let me just say that you deserve better, and can get better. When I first started dating my ex I thought he was the best I could find because he was so different than other guys, opening all my doors, paying for everything even when I offered, fairly consistent with his efforts, we rarely ever fought, those are all qualities that matter to me so I didn’t want to let all that go. Now the person I’m with is 10x better, no exaggeration. It’s been 3 years and he’s never changed, and to think I would’ve never found him if I kept dealing with my ex. In your case, I can’t tell you what to do but I personally would be done for now. Trust me I get it, my ex showed up at my house as well with flowers and he’s an artist so he painted something he knew would be sentimental. I wanted to take him back right then, but how could I after what he did? All the months I spent depressed and hurting, I could’ve gone back and he tried to win me over on 2 other occasions. I had so many weak moments, so much self doubt and instances of trying to lessen what he did so that I could go back. But someone who loves you, and I mean really loves you, would never ever ever do what our exes did. Could you ever imagine doing something like that to someone? To him? You could never, would never, so how could he? Change does not happen overnight and in my opinion a letter and apology wouldn’t even scratch the surface of the irreparable trauma he caused with what he did. You can’t take back the fact you had sex, or that you love him still, but you can control what happens going forward and if I were you I would protect myself to the fullest, and that means he’s out of the picture. But that is just my choice, you have to decide what feels right in your heart and do it.

[Asker]

thank you so much for taking the time to write such a kind reply! i am truly so happy to hear that you found someone better. for you, or for my friends or anyone else i would also say that it is better to let this go.. it‘s just so difficult for me because i have a lot of feelings for him. another reason is that is am on an exchange year right now, so i am only here for 3 more months and on the one hand it could be seen as another reason not to try - but to me, it makes me want to spend at least this time with him because i like him so much. does this make sense? but ultimately, i hope i can be a strong as you, because you are absolutely right that a person who loves me and has a good heart would not have done this to me and i could never even think of doing this to someone else.

[Asker]

oh and also he is one of the first people i met here and the first guy i had a crush on, which makes it difficult for me to let this go.

[Opinion Owner]

You’re stronger than you think hun, it’s just that sometimes certain men can make us forget we have that in us. I know it’s easier said than done, and ultimately if you do take him back I wouldn’t judge. I understand that sometimes we just have to go through it and have that experience, otherwise you will always wonder what if. You just have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. When you take what transpired and hold it up next to 3 months, what side do you fundamental values stand with?
I know sometimes we just want to sweep these things under the rug so we can do what we want. For example Valentine’s Day with my ex, about a week before that he did something that I totally should’ve stopped talking to him for, but me being such a sappy girl (lol) I wanted to celebrate with him. I prioritized FOMO so much that I was willing to let go of everything he did and it wasn’t even worth it. In your case, you have to really look this situation on a broader scale and ask yourself what are those 3 months worth. Like will he be a changed man and make your last days together romantic and blissful? Probably not. Will he learn from what he did to you if you accept him back with open arms? Probably not, and tbh how could he? When there’s no consequences for his actions and he’s rewarded in the form of more sex, there is no opportunity for him to learn from this and be better.

If I were you, I’d make him regret it and not out of spite, but just so he can understand that he can’t do this to women. I’d make as many safe plans as I could for my last 3 months and make the experience all about me and the friends I made, not nuanced by my ex. I wouldn’t risk giving him any sort of chance to hurt me again.

[Asker]

thank you so much and you are absolutely right, if we get back together he would think that what he did was not as bad. and i can‘t forgive him. i just really hate how i am just going to be a lesson for him and he got everything he wanted and will probably forget about me, while i am just so sad that we could not have our love story and how he kind of used me.. do you think he will really regret doing this and miss me or just forget about it?

[Asker]

and maybe this is childish but i kind of want to make him feel hurt like i am feeling and really regret this.. but i don‘t even know what i could do to achieve that

[Opinion Owner]

All your thank you’s are so kind, it’s really no problem, I’m just glad if I can help! I think adjusting your focus and how you look at the situation would make all the difference. You wanted this all to pay off and it’s upsetting when it doesn’t, but that’s a gamble we take when we decide to date. I learned that once you decide you’re ready to date someone and/or put yourself on the market, you are opening yourself up to the entire process from start to finish. Of course you want things to work, but you also have to keep in mind that it may not and if it doesn’t, would you be ready for that. Same mindset goes with sex, if doing it with someone is a really big deal for you then you have to go into it knowing it may not work out with that guy and if you can handle it. What I’ve learned over the years is that the timing of when you hook up with a guy doesn’t matter, if he isn’t well intended and didn’t plan to stick around then nothing was going to keep him there. So it’s always best to prepare yourself for no matter what the outcome with a guy is and be honest with yourself about if you can handle that emotionally, if you’re healed enough from past hurt and ready for new love.

You asked if you ex will regret doing this, and I think the potential for that would only be possible if you stayed away from him, that way he can miss you and hopefully reflect.

[DishLady]

There's no need to COPE. You leave.

[ohsheeT]

Ok Take a deep breath take take a very deep breath

Will I answer questions on here Especially about Girls giving in to guys

Or about. A girls first time. I.
Tell them they are the boss of their body. If you do not want to do it you don't have to do it

And usually when a guy begs you like that He's going to be selfish. It's gonna take him two minutes He's gonna get up get dressed And you're still thinking what just happened. I thought we were going to do Something And that's how Selfish that he is

I think that guy's a pig and needs his ass kicked
And as for you This is One of the most fucked up things i've ever heard in my life
When it's a girl's first time , you make sure you do it right and you make sure you make it all about her And you want to please her and give her orgasm. After orgasm, just so she can feel what it's like to make love.
And this guy p***** me off. I can imagine which one is going to and at the same time I can't because. It's just rude. It's the worst thing ever
But you need to get through this and I know it's Not that easy of a thing that you can go through But the thing is you have to do it.. And the quickest way is to acknowledge it and accept it and then talk your way Through this with somebody because it's just not right.. If I knew you in real life and we were friends I would find that guy And I believe I would kick his ass Just because he is a punk ass bitch

[Zack-Bann]

There’s no easy answer no easy fix here


You went through something horrible


And you know that it’s in some ways your fault for not seeing the douchbag for the douchbag he was


It will get better with time


Just make sure your remember how this feels the next time you’re being pressured into something you’re not ready for


I am sorry it happened to you
You’ll get through it

[Asker]

thank you so much! yea i keep thinking of how i was laying there in my dark room, not even wearing my underwear and crying, and this is how he broke up with me. it‘s horrible

[Stevepro68]

Wow that is a terrible story. Eventually as you grow and live. Bad relationships and bad sexual experiences will be less traumatic and more experientially gratifying.

[Asker]

thank you. he actually just apologized a lot and said he wants me back and feels so guilty. part of me wants to believe in this and see him as a good person who could change, but it would probably be wrong right? i know i am probably being naive but i just really like him so much.

[Alex-Snow]

He is an ass. All he wanted was sex. Was the sex any good? Sorry it happened to u. How old was this guy?

[Asker]

thank you. it was good but i did feel pressured into it so it felt a bit off afterwards. we are both 19

[Alex-Snow]

I think you could do better. Next time do not be rushed, use way more foreplay and hope he can give u some wonderful orgasms. I'm 19 also and have always tried to be respectful with a girlfriend or before sex

[Asker]

do you think he will feel guilty about this or just brush it off? he actually apologized today and wrote a letter and was trying to get back together but I don't know

[Alex-Snow]

Can u message me?

[Asker]

do u have instagram?

[Alex-Snow]

Yeah but I prefer to message on here to start with

[In_Trance]

Live and learn. Don't let it happen again

[jahaims]

Stuff like that happens when you're stupid

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆 what'd we learn from this? Anything?