How to tell your best friend that she hurt your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Hi there! I just kind of want to get an idea what everyone would do in this situation. So my best friend is planning a wedding here, which is really exciting. However, the thing that hurt me was that instead of her asking me to be a bridesmaid, she asked me to be a “bridal party attendant.” Which was a big slap in the face here as we have been friends for 10+ years and have always talked about being in each others weddings. We talk for long periods of time, but she does live out of the state. It’s not like when she comes home we don’t see each other, we do. I feel like I need to tell her as this was a big slap in the face to both me and mom, as we are like sisters and my mom was like another mother. She has five bridesmaids and I think I know two, possibly three. But wouldn’t you want your oldest friend by your side? I just feel really hurt and questioning how to tell her that she hurt my feelings. Would you do it before the wedding or after? And how would you say it or would you even bring it up? I just feel like I need to say something as it hurts and want thoughts on this here. Thanks.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I'd talk to her. Just say "Hey, I'm super excited to participate in your big day! I just wanted to check and make sure I haven't hurt your feelings or something. We've been friends for a long time, and I was a little surprised you didn't ask me to be one of your bridesmaids. Can you let me know your reasoning?"

It gives room for communication and takes the "blame" of you not making the "bridesmaid cut" onto yourself and shows a willingness to hear something that you may not like. Keep in mind that she may have chosen that for you because you live out of state. It's a way to include you without the pressure of rehearsals and needing to arrive earlier. Always assume she is being thoughtful, not hurtful.

Here's the important part: Accept her decision, whatever it is, with grace, if you still value the relationship. This is a big moment for how solid the friendship really is. Whether you let the friendship fade or not, burning it to the ground as a way to exit is not the best method. Your feelings are important, though, and if you evaluate the friendship and find it's one-sided, it may be time to quietly move on. Not all friendships are for life.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Also, just wanted to add that you can love your friend and still feel hurt. Don't deny the hurt. Feel it, cry about it, and write down what it's like. Let it out, or it will be the seed of resentment going forward. Accept that her decision was wrong from your perspective. It's OK to be upset at a friend, even if their reasons make more sense, it's their day, etc. You matter, too. She doesn't need to know all the details of how much it hurt for you to be able to process those feelings effectively. The goal is to process the pain and the feelings. The sooner you validate the feelings, the quicker it will blow over and allow you to be truly happy and excited on your friend's wedding day.

I know this is painful, and you have every right to feel what you feel. Hang in there.

[Asker]

Yeah it just didn’t make sense that yes she is out of state but they will be moving back after the wedding and she even told me to come early for rehearsals. I just find it weird that she has five bridesmaids and not six or four. Whatever but I do think I should say something as it really did hurt but I didn’t say anything as it’s technically her day. Thanks for the lovely insight though I will definitely be using this.

[MissTrix]

Fully agree but what ever reason she made you into her party! For now just remember it's her day! After yes tell her she hurt your feelings get her reason.

[Asker]

That’s kinda what I was thinking too honestly just didn’t know if people would say it before. That’s why I asked. Thanks.

[MissTrix]

Most do but really it does not matter. The day will be over and gone for you and hurt but she will always have a special place for the day.
Till the divorce and if she is hurting you like that can only wonder how bad the guy has it

[Asker]

lol. True not wrong. I just kinda feel hurt but again I figured it’s her day and not mine. I’ll tell her after like a month or so that I felt hurt that I wasn’t included in the “I do” crew and not standing up there by her side. I just hate how this feels.

[MissTrix]

Why only 5 brides maids? Most have like 8 or 10? Maybe her man has only 5 friends?

[Asker]

That or why an odd number? That would look a little funny doing photos. Like the bride in the middle and then having two on one side and three on the other just not “even” or even balanced.

[MissTrix]

Thanks for mho

[strateguy632]

"Remember we talked about __ you said __" pause.

Then "that really made me feel bad".

[Anonymous]

Be honest but not rude.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Just sit down and talk to her