How to not get insecure when people stare at me?

[Anonymous]

I have had appearance anxiety for a long time. I grew up in a very critical family, among judgmental relatives who constantly made comments on my appearance. So, as a teenager I was constantly told that I need to be less thinner, I need to undergo a dental surgery to fix my buck teeth, I need to straighten my hair etc etc. It wasn't very different with friends either, I once had a very 'religious' friend tell me that she'll pray everyday so that I can get pretty. Once a classmate took a selfie with me and I pointed out that I looked weird due to the filter (it enlarged my already doe eyes and made my already thin face thinner). She told me that although I am ugly looks aren't everything and I need to focus on the fact that I've a great personality. She wasn't joking by the way.

I always get stared at a lot too. It's just not my imagination, anyone who is out with me notices it. When I was at college, every time we're attending a new class, it's me the teachers would pick to answer the question out of hundreds of people. There's a show going on, they need someone from the audience for help or to crack jokes on? Usually me all the time. Getting stared at has further ruined my confidence. I feel like they're noticing my flaws, laughing inwardly at them.

Yesterday I went for a PhD interview. A lot of people were called together for the autumn sem admission interview. At the waiting room a girl offered me a seat beside her and she was sweet. I was sitting on her right and a guy was sitting on her left. Soon he told me that he was from the same subject as me, so I was talking to him too. After a while the girl got out to attend a call and I was going through my proposal. All of a sudden I realised that the guy was staring at me, I looked at him and he was caught off guard. He got uncomfortable, looked away. I wasn't feeling insecure but that made me very insecure before the interview. Thankfully it didn't affect my answers.

How do I not let such things happen vagain?

[strateguy632]

Just pretend you are dreaming, in a dream someone sees you, but imagine it is not real.

[Asker]

Making that work in real life sounds difficult.

[Stevepro68]

Therapy to look at the reasons you automatically give negative agency and emotion to unknowns.

[Asker]

I didn't understand

[Stevepro68]

I feel like they are noticing my flaws for example.

[Asker]

I have been told many many negative things about my appearance throughout my life. Once I made a list and there were 50+ different flaws that I was made aware of. So I don't understand why would people look at me if they are not looking at my flaws. And it's not in my head (the staring part). Many people confirmed that people stare at me a lot. For example, I was once in a train with a friend of mine and a group of guys were staring at me. I thought I was mistaken. My friend asked me little later if I knew them because they were looking at me so much.

[Stevepro68]

Particularly for men I don't know about women. If you don't find them attractive there is little reason to stare. They just don't. Really abnormal characteristics like general deformities, very overweight or very tall, people with physical handicaps they suffer from staring. No one stares at flaws like you hair is too short or you have too many freckles or your just not that pretty. You would feel invisible not stared at for physical flaws. Men stare extraordinarily attractive women or physical qualities like big boobs. So what you are describing would be someone staring at a beautiful woman. Not some flawed woman. That is your brain writing a narrative to what those men are thinking. I wasn't there no can say for certain that day on the train but what you described is way more likely to be staring at a beautiful woman than some guys staring at someone's flaws. It just doesn't happen that way. They glance you aren't attractive to them and they look somewhere else... That is what I mean by therapy. You need to question what drives your narrative to an unlikely negative.

[jahaims]

Get your value from healthy sources

[Asker]

I don't seem to have any healthy sources.

[jahaims]

No, you don't understand what a healthy source is. You get your value from who you are as a person. From your morals and values as a human. That is if you want to be secure in a healthy way.

[Asker]

I understand. Most days when I'm at home I feel fine, I do my work, read books and all. Going out bothers me and I start hating my appearance because of all that staring or the unwanted comments. Many a times it has happened that I'm out with a happy mood and then someone I know stops me and points out something. The funniest or the saddest one was probably my encounter with my old neighbor one day. I was waiting for my university bus to go to take an extremely important test and he came up and asked me: "don't your parents feed you well? Why are you so skinny?" He had asked that question 20 times before that. I said: "sir, I've an exam in an hour, we'll discuss my weight another day".