So with me being 21, I am learning a lot. And through it all I would often think that I had no room to make "bad decisions", especially since I had already failed at so many attempts to do what I thoughtI was supposed to alresdy have down by now. I felt like I was being 20 wrong. I wasn't a drinker or a partier and I have so far only slept with 1 man. I have never popped a bar or been in a club. I feel like the weight of a trillion responsibilities limits what Iam allowed to do. But I don't feel like a "good girl". More than anything I feel like I am doing a lot of shit wrong, and lacking experiences that I would love to take if I wasn't afraid to fuck up more than I already am doing. Does my lack of experience automatically make me a good girl? Does my curious mindset make me naive? What am I doing?
Can you only be good OR bad
Can you be a bad girl and a good girl at the same time?
You are absolutely right. You can be both. And you are in the position many 20 year old men find themselves in.
Most are raised not to be promiscuous if they come from certain neighborhoods or backgrounds.
But biology overrides everything. Then they are conflicted and feel behind the eight ball. But simultaneously don’t enjoy the things that people do traditionally like clubbing.
So what’s the deal?
You’re both just like you said. It’s possible to fake being one or the other temporarily. It’s also possible to go back and forth and lead a double life depending on who you are talking too — and I think this is *normal* for 20 year old women TBH.
Only thing I can say is don’t ping pong back and forth too much. It wouldn’t be very great if you suddenly got one hookup and then stopped for a year and a half and then decided to do it again, then stop, then do it again.
Just give it a try for a while, say a few months and see if you like it or not. If not, stop it and learn from it. If you like it, well then that’s it.
That life experience can then be rethought and rahashed in your mind later on to make you wiser.
Sounds like you're focusing on the negative and you're holding it in your mind for so long that it has become heavy on your shoulders. I'm almost 30 and I haven't done a lot of the things you have mentioned. I haven't been to clubs because I could not care less. I don't do bars because I choose not to; there's nothing there for me.
Who says you're supposed to have a whole world's worth of experience by 20? That's ridiculous! No one runs life at the same pace. You aren't going to have the same job as everyone, so it is silly to think life experience will be the same as others too.
I say you're a good girl if you have the option to do the wrong thing but you decide not to. Having no experience just means no experience. Good and bad is a matter of choices, not experience.
“As Hamlet said to Ophelia, ”God has given you one face, and you make yourself another." The battle between these two halves of identity... Who we are and who we pretend to be, is unwinnable. "Just as there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world and another we keep hidden inside. A duality governed by the balance of light and darkness, within each of us is the capacity for both good and evil. But those who are able to blur the moral dividing line hold the true power.”
You're either good or bad. A bad girl can work for charity, but that doesn't mean she doesn't steal. It not just what you do but how you think. Even though you have made all of those mistakes, it doesn't mean that you don't have room to grow and mature and change. But the question that you have to ask yourself is this: Do I want to change?
This is a great question! Having been through the same thing that you're going through now I can say that there pros and cons to living experiences. Some things are best not experienced. Building your dreams and having them Shattered by a bad relationship or job can release that you back several years in life. As far as experiencing bad things what you need is a wise measuring stick. Certain things like drugs are forbidden for adults to experience. Certain movies are forbidden until you turn 18. Alcohol and sometimes tobacco are forbidden until you turn 21. The reason for this is society has deemed that these things can be dangerous without a mature brooch to them. I found this to be true. Now that you are 21 you can start to experience things that are dangerous like horror movies, alcohol, or maybe even weed. What to so with a weary mind that there's a reason these things are forbidden. I found a certain movies influence to me and made me a worse person or gave me nightmares. I avoid those movies now even into my adulthood. Marijuana was something I decided I had to experiment with to know if it was as good or bad as people said. I decided that it was not for me or really anybody but perhaps a place in some rare circumstances for other people. Alcohol, I decided that I loved but it's not for people who have addictive personalities if not for important decisions. These are things you're going to have to approached carefully and with wisdom. As for promiscuity, this can cause massive emotional damage to people if not yourself and maybe somebody else there is also a risk of disease and contrary to popular belief, there are potentially deadly diseases that are completely undetectable to tests. As for hard drugs, I decided that alcohol and marijuana are good measuring sticks to decide. And the reason they are illegal it's because they can become addictive or kill under your very first usage experience life to proceed with wisdom
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
Hooking up and partying makes you low value.
"Experience" isn't that attractive on women. But what I see is that mostly it's women who like men to have experience so they project that desire onto others, but really guys aren't that interested in that. Generally it's a turn off.
If you really wanted to be doing that stuff then you would have done it, clearly it didn't mean enough to you to go and do that shit. Why is it that partying, drinking and sexuality is the only "experience" worth talking about? Don't you enjoy other things? Embrace them.
I used to worry about this nonsense, but I embraced something I enjoyed; boardgames and video games with friends. I started inviting people I met at university to play things and now the day I look forward to most in the week is game night with friends where there's 6-8 of us playing games and hanging out for like 6 hours.
Of course I get bombarded with that exaltation of party culture too, trying to make me feel bad about not engaging with it, but isn't that the trick? It's trying to suck you in by design. It's good for businesses and it's good for people's self-esteem who overly indulge in it.
Embrace the thing *you actually care about* not these mindgames of social capital.
I am pretty much in your same shoes girl. I am working to pay my way through a mechanical engineering degree and all I have time for is work and school. I have never been to a house party or rave but I really want to. People assume I am a little goody innocent guy and only my close friends know I am naughtier than all of them combined. Sometimes I really hate how people treat me but what can you do. I assure you that yes you can be a good girl and have a bad girl hidden inside. I think honestly that girls like that are true women. Every man wants a girl he can hang with and also get freaky in the sheets with. ROCK ON GIRL
Well the issue is once you hook up most men will consider you a bad girl forever.
Think of it this way. You hookup. Now everyone will expect you to hook up with them. So if you find a man you like and fuck him the first or second date, he will think you are a ho and not want to get serious with you. On the other hand, you find a man you like and so you don't fuck him the first or second time and make him wait, well he will think you don't like him and NOTHING YOU SAY will change that. He will think he doesn't turn you on very much and you are settling for him. Why was some man sexy enough for you to hook up with yet the guy you supposedly like isn't?
If you want to be a good girl keep doing what you are doing. If you want to be a bad girl be sure that is what you want because there is no going back.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
An old man once told me that: there is a beast sleeping inside of everyone of us and that most of us are not aware of what this beast is capable of! I didn’t understand what he meant, but as I grow old and with experience, I think I figured out what he meant!
I realize that most of us don’t know ourselves and sometimes we do things that really surprise us! But when we sit down and analyse who we are, our personality and what we stand for, we usually see things in a different perspective!
I think you’re struggling to find who your really are! Just take your time, discover yourself, and above all, don’t do thing you would regret later!
The only bad thing your doing is holding yourself to social and societal standards. Don’t let what you think you should be doing as a 20 year old, affect what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. If your afraid of the consequences of something that’s probably a pretty good indicator that those actions aren’t right for you.
I say you should do you. Don't compare yourself to these other bitches, because the standard of 'good or bad' has a bar set at different levels for different people. I mean seriously, there's chicks out there that have 6 kids by 6 different guys, lives off tax payers money, treats those kids like shit, and think they're all good... but ironically will still call themselves, "a bad bitch."
That's actually worse than if you were just straight-up bad, and you waved your banner in the open. As it is, you pretend to be good when it suits, and do your bad things in the shadows when no one's looking.
Nothing good about that. Be all the way bad or all the way good.
The way you are navigating life is hindering your growth. Sure, failing sucks out loud, but not even trying elsewhere because you are afraid to fail somewhere else makes you neither naive or a bad girl.
You will have failures and you will have successes throughout your entire life. This is completely normal. Furthermore, do not be afraid to ask for help and guidance from others who have already succeeded in doing whatever it is you are wishing to pursue, too. Now go do it.
Nobody is either good or bad during their life. Its for history to judge us by what we do in the situations we are presented with. Had Mussolini won WW2 we wouldn't have the same world view of him we do. Personally I was a lot like you at 20. Just because it's the "social norm" doesn't mean it's the right way. Curiosity is just a part of the human condition. Naivety is more about being judgmental about a situation that you haven't been put into and assuming you could handle it better.
What? I drink, I have slept with several guys and I do party. That doesn’t make me a bad girl. I’m actually the opposite, sometimes I’m too naive because is hard for me to see the bad in people. So, partying or sleeping around doesn’t automatically make you a bad girl.
I dont really understand your question about good or bad girls. It sounds to me like you are unfulfilled with your current life, and you desire to go out there and something, experience something.
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