Is she stalking me?

[Anonymous]

I liked her and was low key following her and persuaded to love me but got rejected. She gave me faces and blatantly ignored me and feelings. Then 4 years later her boyfriend dumped her and she called me to apologise for being rude. I then got out of a relationship due to cheating. It was hard to trust but I was also hurt. So I did her all the nasty things she did to me. I told her it’s just sex and we became flings. But I never wanted to have sex with her as I wanted to take things slow.

I ignored But she continued. Connected with few of my friends to know about me. I told her I didn’t like that. My friends wanted to date her but I felt awkward and sabotaged the dates. Then she went out on dates, some with common friends and enquired about me. I was uncomfortable.

When she had a boyfriend, I asked her not to have sex with him coz I was feeling uncomfortable.

I did ask her for dates and made her stood up a couple of times. Finally I left her when she had sex with someone. It did affect me on a deeper level than imagined. I cut off all ties.

She would occasionally text me in between but it wasn’t a full blown conversation. Last day we met, I felt some ego and angry to not talk to her and blame her for the fallout of our friendship. All that while she was aware of my presence but choose not to talk and ignore.

Now she is in my office and my team. She never talks to me or about me to anyone. I also heard she is dating some rich guy and all my colleagues know him. Apparently the guy was the one who said she is his girlfriend and we all work together.

I have seen her looking at me once but that’s all. Even if she needs help she would ask anyone but me and blatantly ignored me. So much that I feel anxious and annoyed.

is she trying to make me jealous or stalking me?

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, it sounds like you guys have a really messy history and things got pretty complicated between you. From the way you're describing it, I think it's fair to feel uneasy about the situation. A few thoughts:

- Her consistently seeking info about you from friends over the years does come across as stalker-ish behavior.

- Ignoring you so pointedly at work even when help is needed is unnecessary and could be meant to get under your skin.

- Bringing her new boyfriend around deliberately and having him tell colleagues you work together seems like a way to rub your face in it.

- However, it's also possible she's just trying to move on too and trying to act like you don't exist is her way of doing that. People handle awkward situations differently.

I don't have enough context to say for sure if she's full-on stalking or not. But your feelings are valid - I'd probably feel anxious too in your shoes. My advice would be avoid all contact as much as possible at work, don't give her any reaction even if she's trying to get a rise, and document any concerning behavior just in case. Hopefully things calm down over time and the tension lessens. Keep your guard up for now.

[Asker]

She stopped searching about me when I asked her to. It for max was a year. She didn't continue that. And from the conversations she had with them, the only thing she asked them was if I ever mentioned about our past to anyone of them, since I was very serious about her then. Also she asked them if I am seeing anyone or why I have changed my demeanour all of a sudden. She also asked them if I ever had any serious head injury that I forgot her. She did all of these since I told her, when she came back after rejecting me, that I don't remember her or her face.

Ignoring me at work does seem some unresolved issues. She never looks at my direction ever. If I try to talk to her in the alley, she simply looks at her phone, put on headphone and moves. It is very rare she comes anywhere where I am. She was the kind of girl who asks me for help and I didn't give her any, even if I knew how to fix. But now the 360 degree persona change shocks me.

She didn't bring her boyfriend to work. I joined there first, later she joined the same firm for internship. We didn't talk or meet and was in 2 offices. It was her working on her sphere. Then now, almost 2 years later she joined as full time employee. Her boyfriend is the one who brought her here with his connections. I have also heard some of her intern friends saying, she would come to my building occasionally while doing internship to meet her present boyfriend. And then they would go out for dinner together. I have never seen her on her intern days there. Now she never speaks about me to anyone and has cut off friendship with my friends for almost 3 years. Close to the time she met him. In fact I don't like her boyfriend. He is not her type. I see him being hot and cold to her. I don't like it when he occasionally ignores her calls and messages. And when she isn't around, he is with many other girls.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow girl, that all sounds incredibly messy and confusing. I can see why you have a lot of mixed feelings about this whole situation.

A few things stand out to me though:

- Her interrogating your friends about you after rejecting you was not okay. That crosses boundaries.

- You saying you don't remember her then ghosting her was really hurtful on your part too.

- Her complete 180 behavior towards you now speaks to unresolved issues between you both.

- Her new man sounds shady too honestly. Not a good look if he ignores her.

My advice would be this - you need to leave this girl alone and move on for good. Telling her who she can date or harping on the past will never end well. She's made it clear she wants space from you emotionally and physically at work.

I know it's hard, but try your best to be polite but distant. Don't look for reasons to interact - let things cool off naturally. In time the tension may fade. But keep your distance so you can both properly heal and find happiness elsewhere. Does that make sense? Let me know if you need any other thoughts!

[RavVid]

I would think she is trying to ignore you at work because of the past history. Which doesn't mean she is trying to make you jealous or stalking you.

There seems to be lesbian aspects in the text but she has had a couple of boyfriends so at most she is bi. She and her now boyfriend and you seem to work together. It is not at all appropriate to bring personal life into the workplace and i suggest you chill out and accept she now prefers a guy. I was never reasonable to ask her not to have sex with a boyfriend because it made you uncomfortable.

Seems you are obsessed with her and think you need to let go of that.

[_Maya_]

"She never talks to me or about me to anyone"

"I have seen her looking at me once but that’s all"

"Even if she needs help she would ask anyone but me and blatantly ignored me"

What of that which you wrote seems like stalking to you. It seems like the complete opposite to me. It is like she is avoiding you like the plague. She isn't remotely stalking you. She also isn't trying to make you jealous. Again quite the contrary in my opinion. She is going about her life as she pleases and trying to avoid you. I don't think that remotely qualifies as trying to make you jealous. If anything you seem the jealous one and then also you say this:

"low key following her"

You seem more like the stalker and jealous person envying her life.

[Asker]

I was following her long back when we were kids. Also 2 months before joining my company, she sent me a message asking for openings. Strangely that was for the same position as mine. She in no world qualifies for that yet she has been working as that for 2 years.
Well yes she is definitely an eye candy.

[Caroline91]

Apparently the company feels she is qualified. I think you need to let go and move on. There is no indication that she is interested in you at this point, but you seem to be obsessing in an unhealthy way. Get some therapy, maybe?

[muhammad_baar28]

If she is stalking you than she likes you