Unspoken feelings..???

[Anonymous]

I with work this guy who I like and I feel he likes me. Unfortunatley we are both married. (I am going to counseling to figure out what I want to do with my current marriage, I wouldn't call it a realationship)

My "friend" and I are constantly teasing each other and we make very good eye contact. We text occasionally after hours and when he isn't with his family we can sometimes have conversations via texting. When I have invited him to things outside of work he usually comes and brings his family. I feel as if we have unspoken feelings for each other. We have never talked about our feelings but I feel it is very obvious. He reffered to me as his best friend the other day at work. I'm not sure if he meant I was his Boyfriend or just a close friend. We share the same interests in music, sports, and other things. If I had met him before I was married I would of totally dated him.

I know most of you are going to say if you're married then stop this, but you truly do not understand my situation and I prefer not to get into any agonizing details. But I feel like he "my friend" is my soul mate and I really want him to know how I feel but I am afraid he may not feel the same or get scared. Is there a possibility he feels the same way I do? What can I do to let him know how I feel without feeling any regret later? Thanks for reading this.

Updates

+1 y

Any advice anyone?

[Atomizer]

You're correct: I think if he's married you ought to cut it out.

First, you're married and in counseling. I don't think you should be looking anywhere else for dates or partners. You have a mess at home that needs cleaning. And because you're torn up, vulnerable and looking for affection due to problems with your husband, you might be thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence with your friend.

Second, you're thinking with your emotions, and you might be reading into things. You wrote "I feel he likes me," and "I feel as if we have unspoken feelings for each other. We have never talked about our feelings but I feel it is very obvious."

Thinking with your feelings is a recipe for disaster. I know because I've done it, many times. Your emotions can change minute by minute, but facts are facts.

You're assuming that his flirtations and conversations mean the same thing to you as to him. You want more than a friendship; he might simply see you as a good friend, and interpret things differently. He might not see himself as "flirting" but simply as being funny and friendly.

You wrote "I feel like he "my friend" is my soul mate and I really want him to know how I feel but I am afraid he may not feel the same or get scared." That sentence contradicts itself: if you're certain he's your soul mate, why are you afraid he doesn't feel the same way as you?

(By the way, I think "soul mate" is a silly concept.)

If you want to talk to your friend about your feelings for him (which I think is a bad, bad, bad bad, bad idea), there's no way whatsoever to sugar coat it. There's a good possibility it could ruin your friendship: you're both married, and you're essentially saying you're in love with him. If he loves his wife, he'll probably cut you off, or change the nature of your friendship.

Third, you seem to suggest this guy has kids. Anyone who'd try to break up a marriage is acting like scum, and anyone who'd risk taking a father away from his kids is even worse. Period.

This all might sound harsh, but marriage is very important to me, and I think anyone who's married has a deep responsibility to themselves and their spouse. You took vows for better or worse, and now you're in the worse.

I think you're very confused and vulnerable because of your personal troubles. It's natural to have affection for a close friend. But I think it's a bad idea all around to talk to him about your feelings.

[Newport100]

Its ok to love him, he is your friend after all. Just as it is ok for him to love you, after all you are friends.

Its touchy with heterosexual male/female friendships. Its pretty challenging not to let the wrong buttons get pressed where the two of you start crushing on each other.

Unfortunately this has happened to me with me being single and looking and a married woman in a bad marriage at work

. I am a good guy so I never tried anything an she is a good woman who wouldn't cheat on her hubby no matter how bad things were but we where both crazy about each other, I really crushed on her and it became very apparent to me later on, she crushed on me also.

This caused major stress on our friendship and eventually we stopped talking, she even had some choice words for me after 4-5 months of not speaking to each other. She was avoiding me for a long time, so I accepted it and moved on. Not good enough for her, she was pissed at me and after 4-5months of no speaking, she let me have it one day. It was really embarrassing, I wish she didn't do it in front of everyone. People started to think we had something going. It was a mess.

I didn't even matter that I apologized to her for not speaking to her (even though she was avoiding and ignoring me and not responding to my hellos which caused me to give up on the friendship) our friendship was severely damaged beyond repair. She was actually being pretty mean to me at work which isn't her character, still avoiding me and we eventually got back to the no talking stage because I had enough. I saw no point pursuing the friendship anymore, it was all bad for me. We couldn't be friends anymore because we actually started to hate each other.

What's the morale of my story? Don't admit to crushing on him if you are certain things cannot work out between you and your crush. If he crushes on you and admit it? You have to put a stop to it right then and there. Don't let things linger or you risk losing your friend just as I did.

[Newport100]

I have to add this: I actually wanted to quit my job because I couldn't stand the feelings I got when I saw her. I was good at my job and I had plenty of good freinds there. But I really wanted to stop going to work because of her, isn't that terrible?

And it was all my fault for admiting my feelings. I can't control those types of feelings, they are too strong. But I should have controlled my mouth. I should have keept my crush secret, nothing good came out of it. Only sadness.

[Anonymous]

Well I lived out your "idea" of telling that married person you have feelings for them. I can't say it didn't work out for the better but things are definitely weird between us. We are both married but have weaknesses in our marriages. I know people keep saying "vows.blah blah blah" but most who say that have never found themselves in a position to question whether or not you thought this "marriage thing" through. And while yes it's too late to second guess your choices, sometimes you want to feel that spark again with someone NEW. It's even better when you find someone you connect with so I can totally sympathize with you.

However, on the flip side. The deeper into it you go the more confused you really get. Especially if the relationship between you two changes in a negative way. If not negative then in a way you were hoping it WOULDN'T go. Maybe he does feel the same and whereas he might think about you the way you think about him, he can't imagine hurting his family by betraying his vows (that's the story I got). WOW.that was hard because now you know that he feels the same but you can't change his mind no matter what you do. I kind of wish that he would have been mean about it because then it would have been easier to forget about him. Before you do ANYTHING think things through completely. What would you do if he told you to get lost becaue he doesn't feel the same? What would you do if he said he did feel the same but could never do anything against his marriage vows? What would you do if both of you acted on your feelings and then his spouse found out? You are going to have to go through every scenario and accept each result before you take the next step.IF you take the next step.

I don't hate everyone who wants to stand by their vows but seriously our society has weakened the belief in holy matrimony and when you're not that religious to begin with it makes it easier to say "vows.shm-ows". But seriously think about it first before you do anything.

[Anonymous]

I have also been in this situation. In my heart my marriage was over but I was still married. A married man came onto me and said all the right things. I too felt he was my soul mate and he felt it too. We got involved in an affair and it was so wonderful to feel alive again, but things ended on a bad bad note. He moved away with his family and left me behind. Talk about heartbreak. I was so hurt and confused that I ended up going to his wife and telling her everything. after that he still came back to me and wanted to continue our affair long distance! I came to realize that he was a 'stepping stone' in my life. If your marriage is already on the rocks, he may be the person that encourages you to either work it out with your spouse or to give you the courage to leave. Please don't allow your feelings for him to let yourself go further and end up having an affair. I will tell you first hand that there is no pain quite like the pain of an affair. for everyone involved. I know the attention is wonderful right now especially since your marriage is not solid, but try to make a decision with that before you go further with the man at work. Good luck to and stay strong.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I was tired of people telling me "your married". I like the way you put your words. I am trying to figure out what to do with myself, but it is so confusing. Mostly because there are children involved. I don't want them to be hurt, but I also don't think living in an unhealthy marriage is the right thing either. I have got some things to think about. Again, thank you.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious if there are any updates on this question? What did you decide to do? I am asking because I am in a similar situation. Wondering the outcome a year later.

[Atomizer]

You're correct: I think if he's married you ought to cut it out.

First, you're married and in counseling. I don't think you should be looking anywhere else for dates or partners. You have a mess at home that needs cleaning. And because you're torn up, vulnerable and looking for affection due to problems with your husband, you might be thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence with your friend.

Second, you're thinking with your emotions, and you might be reading into things. You wrote "I feel he likes me," and "I feel as if we have unspoken feelings for each other. We have never talked about our feelings but I feel it is very obvious."

Thinking with your feelings is a recipe for disaster. I know because I've done it, many times. Your emotions can change minute by minute, but facts are facts.

You're assuming that his flirtations and conversations mean the same thing to you as to him. You want more than a friendship; he might simply see you as a good friend, and interpret things differently. He might not see himself as "flirting" but simply as being funny and friendly.

You wrote "I feel like he "my friend" is my soul mate and I really want him to know how I feel but I am afraid he may not feel the same or get scared." That sentence contradicts itself: if you're certain he's your soul mate, why are you afraid he doesn't feel the same way as you?

(By the way, I think "soul mate" is a silly concept.)

If you want to talk to your friend about your feelings for him (which I think is a bad, bad, bad bad, bad idea), there's no way whatsoever to sugar coat it. There's a good possibility it could ruin your friendship: you're both married, and you're essentially saying you're in love with him. If he loves his wife, he'll probably cut you off, or change the nature of your friendship.

Third, you seem to suggest this guy has kids. Anyone who'd try to break up a marriage is acting like scum, and anyone who'd risk taking a father away from his kids is even worse. Period.

This all might sound harsh, but marriage is very important to me, and I think anyone who's married has a deep responsibility to themselves and their spouse. You took vows for better or worse, and now you're in the worse.

I think you're very confused and vulnerable because of your personal troubles. It's natural to have affection for a close friend. But I think it's a bad idea all around to talk to him about your feelings.

[Wondering1010]

I completely agree.

Marriage comes first and foremost. Now is the time to work things out with the spouse without contemplating an outside relationship.

Great answer Atomizer

[Snowy-Hollywood]

I've been where you are. Here is the problem. no matter what you decide to do, you're going to wonder if it was the right decision. If you are truly that unhappy in your marriage, get out of it and then whatever decision you make you can make honestly.

You may surprise yourself when you're "free," with what you find yourself deciding to do. Don't be surprised if your friend doesn't appear so attractive anymore, as you may be confusing 'soul mate' with an escape! I only say this because, again, I have been where you are and found myself hating my decision to be with this man I thought was perfect after I left my husband because I realized it wasn't him that was perfect, he was simply my way out.