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One of my co-workers whom I became friends with, invited me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. A few of us were partially the reason she even said yes to her fiance, because she had a lot of trust issues with her exes, and was waffling a bit, but having spent some time with this guy getting to know him as a group, we knew he was THE perfect guy for her, so we got her to actually realize this.
Initially I said yes to being a bridesmaid. I did feel honored, but what she didn't know about me, was that I struggled a lot with body issues to the point of hospitalization on two occasions, and having seen and tried on the dress which was very bodycon that she absolutely had her heart set on all of us wearing (and that there was no option to say no to), it started to trigger me bad. The more the planning went on, the worse it got with me and I fell into old habits, eventually seeking out counseling again.
Two months before the wedding, I backed out. I was struggling really badly, and the last thing I wanted in my mind was to ruin her wedding with my issues. I definitely didn't feel comfortable sharing my mental health history with her as it was hard for me to even talk about it because "it's a lot." This wasn't a matter of "sucking it up," and "it just being one day," I was headed down a dark road that at least at that point I realized I was going down that I needed more help for. It's not something that just fixes itself or you just get over.
Obviously, it didn't go over well. I knew it wouldn't. Why would it? I made the excuse that I had a family wedding to go to (which was actually true, they were scheduled same day), I just wasn't in the wedding party, but everyone was pretty upset with me. By this time, I'd started another job, and basically, I never saw her or the bridesmaids ever again after that in person, but I knew from texts, and our group chat that they certainly thought I was the a-hole (in fairness, as I said, they didn't know my history).
AITA for backing out?
What Girls Said
I definitely get where you’re coming from. Back on Christmas of 2020 my best friend of 15 years was proposed to and she wanted me to be in her wedding. In the moment I agreed, mainly because she unofficially asked in the same phone call that she told me he’d proposed, so it was on the spot and I’m not great with turning people down. Not trying to make excuses, that’s just what it was. I knew almost immediately that I didn’t want to be in the wedding, I just didn’t feel like being apart of what all went into being a bridesmaid, it’s a big commitment and I was doing work/school at the time.
I decided officially not to participate and broke the news to her January ‘21. She was not happy, I guess she’d put the money and effort into making proposal boxes for the bridesmaids. I offered to pay her back for my box but of course it wasn’t just about that and I knew it too. This situation definitely caused a rift in our friendship until eventually we just stopped trying with each other.
It was a tough decision to make, and by how you wrote this I can tell you struggled a lot both mentally and physically to try and participate. Because of this, I don’t think backing out in general was wrong, I would never want my friend struggling on my behalf. But your timing (only 2 months prior) paired with your excuse is what made you the asshole.
I know discussing mental health is awkward, but in this case where you were pulling out of her wedding so close to the date, you should’ve told her. If you’d been transparent, you may have been surprised by her willingness to accommodate you (since this wasn’t just a matter of not liking the dress) or been fine dismissing you as a bridesmaid entirely given the circumstances. Instead you gave her that excuse/lie, and it was the wrong move.
I don't think you're an asshole. I was in a similar situation due to my anxiety. I backed out of being the bridesmaid; my cousin understood and wasn't mad at me. I'd just give them some time to come around; I'm sure they'll have a great wedding day.
Thanks. The wedding was great from the pictures I saw, they just aren't fans of me anymore, and literally I've never seen any of them in person again, after the wedding.
not the asshole, save it would have been beneficial to her if you'd actually told her your issues.
but you will look the asshole to them regardless.