What does a woman mean by 'not feeling a spark'?

[Anonymous]

Hi folks - The last three girls that I briefly dated (3 to 5 dates with each) all used almost exactly the same words ('don't feel enough spark' or variation thereof) when letting me know that they don't want to continue dating, but really enjoyed their time, found my company & conversations really interesting & would like to stay in touch and hang out as friends).

My questions:

1) What makes a woman feel 'the spark' for a guy?

I'm sure the answer varies from one person to another, but I'm sure there are some common elements - looks, confidence, character, personality? What's most critical?

2) While I might be reading too much into three consecutive girls giving me the same feedback (after 3-5 dates each), could I be dating the 'wrong' women? The problem is that I without knowing what led to their feedback, I don't know what I should change, if anything ...

Thanks, in advance, for your time!

[TinaM]

It is an unexplainable intangible phenomenon. In other words, who the heck knows? It cannot be forced, you either feel it or you don't. Obviously physical attraction plays a decent sized role, since most women will not want to continue dating a man to whom they are not at all attracted, but there are times I have found myself feeling that spark growing with a guy who I initially never thought of as particularly good looking. Everyone is different in how they fall for someone. I fall in love with my head, and not my heart. If you can win me over with brains and humour, most of the work is already done for you. But at the same time, you could be a brilliant comedian and I may not feel the spark, but there is a better chance of there actually being one if you possess the characteristics I am looking for - as it would be for any other woman who has her own characteristics she is looking for. Eventually, you will click with someone, and they will click with you - and you will be happy all the other girls were honest enough with you to allow you to move on and find that person!

[dream4thestars]

'Feeling a spark' is like 'falling for somebody' or 'falling in love.' People who use the word 'spark' rely on that feeling to tell whether or not they want to go out with somebody. It doesn't matter if they person is attractive, confident, funny and fun- that has no influence on 'spark.' Spark depends on whether or not you feel instinctively you will work with this person and really care about them. If you don't "click" with them you're not falling for them. Nobody has any control over 'spark.'

You have done nothing wrong. It's just a matter of finding that two people that fit together. That click. That moment of instant chemistry.

I'm assuming you are dating girls you find have an attractive looks and/or personality, in your opinion. I wouldn't stop doing that. Go off of your judgement. But if you do date a variety of girls (different personality types, different girlfriend stereotypes) you may find you work well with different types of people. Don't be afraid to go outside your comfort zone, as long as you still feel you like her.

[GaBelle]

1) it does indeed vary. Usually, physical attraction is first. Then personality. However, if these things were totally lacking for you, I doubt it would have taken 3-5 dates for them to say it.

2) It may not be that you are dating the 'wrong' women. They are clearly interested enough to go on multiple dates, but those particular women just didn't feel the emotional connection to waste your time or theirs. Don't take it personally. Not every woman will fall for every man. I'm sure you've met ladies you found attractive, but for some reason or another were not interested in having a relationship with.

[iamstayinganonymous]

Yeah, guys do the same thing. Sometimes a girl can be pretty and smart and all, but there is just nothing there. it is sort of an intangible that is hard to put into words, but both genders do this. I have def had chemistry sometimes with girls who on paper shouldn't work with me over girls who should. I think it is even more common for girls to be this way honestly.

[Anonymous]

I think your question might be better worded "How do you keep the spark from fading?" Seems to me you had the spark with them, they would have not wasted time on 3 to 5 dates if you didn't have the spark to begin with.

1. Chemistry, interest, attraction, and being a challenge.

2. You might be giving off a vibe of wanting to be put in the friends zone? If you are romantically interested in any of them you should stated it right away, attraction has a time limit. By 3 to 5 dates they should have known what your intentions are.

Best of luck..

[BatDoc]

Not feeling the "spark" is a woman's way of saying, "I like you, you're nice, but I'm not sexually attracted to you."

The reason women say that is because if you are indeed a nice guy, they don't want to feel like the bad guy and therefore feel guilty by flat out turning you down. They are letting you down gently. Part of it is a self-confidence thing. Part of it is a spare your feelings kind of thing.

Just keep dating. Get out there and enjoy yourself. For every woman who says no, there are ten others you can date who will say yes.

[Laetron]

It probably means you didn't do anything to cause her to think of you as a sexual being. This generally means acting at least somewhat dominant, being comfortable with touching her in a tasteful manner, etc.

But in reality, keep dating and getting experience with it, and you're going to get SOME sparks, anyway.

[lauramor]

1.- when she can't stop thinkg about him, or the butterflies. he might be hot or ugly, that doesn't change the fact that you have a spark.

2.- maybe you should just look for different girls to date, or you might be too uptight.

[kheserthorpe]

Its an issue of sexual attraction.

Could be looks, could be confidence, could be that you don't seem comfortable with your own sexuality, which makes them feel awkward about it.

[abundantlyrich]

Not feeling a spark with somebody, I think they would mean:

They don't really feel a connection to you enough to *want* you or go all the *way* with you.

[Anonymous]

Shes not clicking with you