What to do about a boyfriend who doesn't defend you?

Question

I've been dating my boyfriend for three years and WAS seriously contemplating marrying him. But then it happened again someone disrespected me one of HIS friends and he did nothing. I understand that he is not confrontational but he can at least show to me that he's upset. He seemed like he didn't care. This has happened to me three other times (twice with strangers and once with a group of his friends). I don't expect him to beat them up but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

that's not acceptable. if a man is gonna be your man and be with you, he should defend you. not saying beat him up, but he can let his friends know that's not cool and not to let it happen again. when someone shows you who you are, believe them. if somebody was talking about his mama do you think he would let them disrespect her like that or would he say something? this tells me either your man is a punk or he doesn't value as much as he should. since its been 3 years I think its worth bringing up how you feel to him, but keep an eye on him and see if he changes his behavior or not

if someone cussed me out and used ethnic slurs about me and my boyfriend didn't defend me I would have to end things. number one I would feel like he has no pride in me and doesn't care, and I'd feel like he just lets people disrespect him and he's weak. that's not someone worthy of your hand in marriage I mean I'm not gonna tell you to leave your man but I wouldn't tell you to put up with that either! he needs to know you are not guaranteed and if he can't treat you the way you deserve he can be replaced

ZombAbe · Accepted Answer

I say forget him, he either doesn't care at all or he's a pansy. You could have really gotten hurt from the comments I read below. He's no good for you. That's like shizz they do in middle school. Your boyfriend isn't the guy you should marry. Tell him straight up that he's a pansy. This makes me mad. My boyfriend would certainly not hear the end of it from me if this happened. Ugh. lol I'm so mad when this happens.

You have done all you can, he's the one that needs to do things.

If you should be doing anything, its definitely to get a better man. Or at least let yours know you'll leave if he doesn't shape up.

Sorry if this was ranty...

I wish you good luck!

markscott · Accepted Answer

The not defending you seems to be built into him, and not going to change. You need to decide if this can work for you long term. Also, what is this about your people needing to shut up? Did some of our family interfere with your relationship, or say something to him? if you decide you can't handle not being stood up for, long term, then it's probably best that you get out of the relationship soon, before you invest any more time. Personally, I have a real hard time when a man will not stand up for his wife. It's a man't responsibility. Not to be a fool about it, but to just stand up for her.

bestill · Accepted Answer

and...why are you still with him exactly? Trust me on this, if he doesn't have your back on "small" things such as this, he WILL NOT have your back on the things that really matter! (not saying that this does not matter, because after reading your comments below, this IS a big deal)

There is NO WAY I would ever allow ANYONE to disrespect someone I cared about, especially not in front of my face! I don't mean he should beat them up, but if he didn't even say anything, he's a punk, and you should run far, far away from him!

earliea · Answer

My Boyfriend does the same thing, we have been together for 7 years now, I was bullied in University, where we met... he didn’t do anything about it, after University I try to leave him, so I travelled to a new Country, I was alone here and just started working... some way I found him back in my life, now he lets strangers insult and walk all over me, the painful thing is when I try to defend myself and confront the people that Verbally abuse me, he tells me to just let it go... but I have seen him defending his sisters and how he should to defend his female friends in University, to be Frank I don’t know why I am still it’s him, I believe it’s cause I literally have No One Else... many times I contemplate suicide, but am too scared to carry on with it. Don’t know what do do anymore :-(

Jonny_ · Answer

It's probably just his personality... personally I try to avoid confrontation, I let most word confrontations go, I mean it's only words, it means f*** all really. If they cross a line, then yes I step in, if it's petty slagging I'd rather let that slide than escalate the whole situation over someones opinion, I mean I don't give a sh*t what this person thinks, am I really going to start pointless crap over this? No.

graffiti_guy · Answer

Just be honest and tell him about it.the key to a good relationship is to communicate

rares · Answer

Maybe he din't act because he knew you waren't really in any danger. My girlfriend always acuse me of the same thing. They are my friends, they only use words, they' ll never dare anything more, because they know what's gonna happen. We speak our mind because we trust each other and that's it. I'm actually more interested about the way my friend is thinking and the data delivered in conversation than the who is winning you're little war.

Anonymous · Answer

I’m one of those guys who don’t like unnecessary confrontations but when someone disrespects my friends, family and especially a girlfriend I get PISSED.

Sometimes there might be a gray line of the other person is just teasing. Even then I’ll still speak up.

I say dump the chump. Surprised you stayed with him this long. I’ve been dumped for much lesser reasons

enlightenment · Answer

yeah...I vote no, if he can't show respect then its not worth it.

mabe369 · Answer

He is pussy just saying lol

big_jimy_pimp · Answer

kick his ass

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