Am. I been financially abused?

[Anonymous]

Been married for ten years. My husband lost his job four years ago and he hasn't been able to be back to work. Partly because we moved to another country. We don't have any kids. I pay for everything. Absolutely everything. Sometimes he helps with the housework and he now works part time in a project that by now is not giving us any money. I do most of the housework. Work full time. I get angry sometimes and yell at him that this is my house and we can talk about sharing when he gives me at least half of whats needed... I fell so tired and hopeless. I don't know if I'm doing things right anymore.

[HollyK21]

Was there a game plan when you moved? Like either having jobs in place already, or to search for one once you settled in? I’m mostly asking this because maybe it’s time to put your foot down and remind him of this plan. You are both adults and I’m sure you never intended to take care of him. But now that you have been doing so for a while, I think he’s lacking incentive to get back up and find a job. Especially when you yell and berate him but continue to provide for him, he just knows that once you cool off then everything will be fine. I would tell him that the free ride is over and it’s time for him to contribute. If he won’t, then end the relationship. I understand that you moved, but it’s been years now and you are not obligated to parent him.

[MrtoddsWildRide]

I mean it's not like she promised to love him richer AND poorer. There is no possibility that he might be struggling anything.
Nope. Can't happen.

[HollyK21]

Four years of poorer, especially when she never agreed to take care of him, is not ok.

[MrtoddsWildRide]

I didn't say it was okay. Clearly something is wrong. I am just saying that it's not okay to just give up until you have exhausted all possibilities.

[HollyK21]

As I said in my other comment under your post, he may very well struggle with mental issues that he needs help with. However we have no idea what’s going on in their household, and cannot form a whole option just off of the idea that he’s depressed or whatever, with no proof of that even being the case. What if he is just a leech? What if he’s just comfortable being taken care of and lacks the incentive to get a job? If you’re going to consider me at health then you must consider this too.

[HollyK21]

.**mental health not “me at health”

[MrtoddsWildRide]

As I said. He might be an asshole. He might also have depression and refuse to do anything about it once it becomes recognized. In either one of those cases, then yes he should be left.
I don't mean to dump on you. I really don't. It just seems that you are pushing her to make a life altering decision without first making an attempt at fixing it.

[HollyK21]

If it’s coming across as though I’m pushing her to leave him, then apologies to the asker because that is not my intention. What I was urging her to do is put her foot down, and my perspective was solely based off of the idea that he isn’t contributing to the household just because he doesn’t want to, and that’s not fair. I did not consider mental health when i wrote this, so if that is a factor then of course I hope that she can get him the help he needs without putting herself in any financial disparity, to provide for him more than she already has. But if it’s not that, then it’s time for a change. We’d all like to not work, but that isn’t practical for most households and we shouldn’t expect our partners to care for us (outside of sickness) if that isn’t what we agreed on.

[MrtoddsWildRide]

You know what? Fair enough

[HollyK21]

I guess I’m also not sure what’s life altering about asking him to get a job lol

[MrtoddsWildRide]

Life altering to end the marriage.

[HollyK21]

I only suggested that should be a considerable route after the other options were exhausted, like asking him to get a job and he won’t try. No of course factoring in mental health. I definitely didn’t mean for her to just kick him out and divorce straight away.

[MrtoddsWildRide]

Like I said. That's fair enough. We seem to be on the same page, just not communicating it well to each other.

[HollyK21]

*now of course

[HollyK21]

Definitely agree, I believe we have the same sort of point just looking at both ends of the situation that’s all

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

I don’t think that counts as financial abuse, but you should really set some boundaries. Tell him he needs to contribute more to the house and relationship. Get a (better) job, work more, help with the house, etc.

[MrtoddsWildRide]

It's possible that he might need help. Losing a career can be a massive trigger for depression and left untreated it can spiral downward into this. Most men don't know how to ask for help or have been conditioned not to ask for help.
I know that it's hard to think of him as anything but a jerk, because he's acting this way, but try to be patent long enough to discuss it with him in a way that isn't about blaming him, but about finding out what is really happening. He might be an asshole, but he might be going through a genuine struggle and unable to express it.

[HollyK21]

I definitely agree with this to the extent that if he’s struggling with depression then he needs help — it’s worth having a conversation. But then how would treatment work? Everything costs something, and unless there’s some sort of insurance, loophole or free option, she’d be the one having to fund those sessions on top of providing for the household, which I’m sure is already pricey. I just think it’s time for him to get back out there. Millions of people struggle severely with mental issues but still get things taken care of because unfortunately things still need to get paid and they can’t just check out from life.

[HollyK21]

Also Mr. Todd, not trying to hijack your comment lol, just offering the asker an aspect of your suggestion to consider because I’m sure she will read this.

[MrtoddsWildRide]

@HollyK21
Sometimes just acknowledging the problem is a huge help and depending on where they are, there are often very low cost or in some cases free programs.

[MrtoddsWildRide]

@HollyK21
No worries. You bring up a fair a valid point.

[HollyK21]

Yep I do agree, acknowledging the issue can be extremely helpful and hopefully there are some free options available. Unfortunately though even low cost adds up, and without insurance, she could be looking at sessions that cost 50+ per hour (again, depending on where she lives). Then you factor in how many sessions he needs (at least once a week), then add that all together for the month, on top of her paying all the household bills. It’s just a lot on someone’s shoulders who never intended to take care of another person in the first place.

[HollyK21]

I don’t know what her financial situation is like though, so if she does have the means to cover these things without struggling, and if he does indeed need the help, then I hope she’d help him get the treatment he needs so that he can get back into working.

[MrtoddsWildRide]

@HollyK21
I do seem to remember the wedding vows involving sickness and health, richer and poorer. If it's important to you, then you find a way.
I am assuming that this woman loves her husband and wants him to be the man he once was rather than what depression, if it is that, has turned him into.

[HollyK21]

I hear you for sure, no argument against the vows you take when getting married. With all of that aside though, all I’m saying is that it all costs money. Love isn’t paying the bills or for therapy sessions, and I say that in a very honest, non-rude way. She may not be able to afford all this, no matter how much she loves him.

[HollyK21]

I mean this is essentially “even though you’re already taking care of this man, find a way to work harder so that you can pay for therapy treatments”. That’s a big ask, we don’t know what hours and stuff she already does, on top of having to “find a way” to further care for this man.

[jahaims]

If you go four years without finding work that is a choice. What does he say when you tell him how you feel?

[Anonymous]

Did he waste money in the past? There are men who are frustrated from spending money on women just for them to leave them and show their purses to a new boyfriend. If you said the same thing you typed to your husband and he still doesn't understand, then divorce him and date a desperate horny millionaire like a smart woman. Good thing is you don't have kids

[slatyb]

He's not contributing. Why do you stay?

[Raperonzolo_Viv]

maybe he is in depression...