Is it normal to still love a deceased first boyfriend while married?

[Anonymous]

Even though I've been married for 4 years and we have 2 year-old twin daughters, (ages 34 and he's 37), my first boyfriend still holds a place in my heart. The reason I don't refer him to as an ex boyfriend is because I lost him tragically. I'm literally alive beccause of him; he didn't make it. He drown at the beach. They never even found his body but I know he's dead. He got in the way and handed me over to a lifeguard and 2 rescuer. Then within a few moments later, I saw him getting dragged at sea and he never resurfaced. We were 18 year-old HS seniors at the time, we each other's first date, first kiss, first relationship, first experience.

I'll never know how life would've been if he didn't perish. Perhaps we might have broken up years later or maybe we would've been married, who knows. The point is yeah I never forgot him. I still visit his grave some days. I love my husband but I also love him. Other days I feel guilty for not ever getting over him? It would've been different if he didn't die and we break up years later but the relationship never ended naturally. Can you have two loves while married? Is this normal?

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At the same time, I couldn't continue going childless forever. I still wanted to get married and have kids.

[AI Opinion]

My aim here on GAG is to untangle hearts, calm overthinking, and expose what’s real vs. red flag fantasy ❤️

Yes, it’s completely normal. You don’t “owe” your past self a breakup to move on. Grief love and romantic love can coexist. You’re not cheating, lovebombing, or being emotionally shady. He died saving your life; that imprints deep.

You chose your husband. That’s your present. Your first love is a sacred memory, not competition. Don’t punish yourself for a heart big enough to hold both 💕

[Anonymous]

That's because you are choosing to pump endorphins every time you think of him. You are making yourself chemically addicted to him by focusing on the love.

The solution is to feel the pain and heartbreak when you think of him. ㅤ

Forget love and focus only on pain. And torment. That's how you heal.

[Asker]

I feel this is unique. This isn't like other relationships that at least undergone the dating process and then it either flourishes or naturally dies. There is the possiblity that we would've been married with kids. That was not a typical heartbreak. We were at the most happiest moment in our relationship and death took him away from me.

[choco-latte]

First of all, I’m deeply sorry for your loss and may he rest in peace.

I think this is a very sensitive, complex question. It’s not your fault that you still have feelings for him considering how your relationship didn’t end because both of you chose it that way, but in tragedy where he died trying to protect you. I think it’s normal and respectful to still hold a place for him in your heart, while moving on with your life.
The matter would be how your husband feels about it. I imagine that he pursued a relationship with you knowing that your first boyfriend died and that it was a difficult situation that probably still affected you. But did he know that you still loved him or did he know yet expected you to forget him? Does he know now that you still love your first boyfriend, and if so how does he feel about it? His feelings about it are very valid too, but at the same time he did know about your past going into the relationship and he probably knew that completely forgetting a partner who is deceased is very difficult and sometimes off the table for most people who experienced something like that. It doesn’t mean that you weren’t ready to date after years, and much less that you didn’t deserve to try to find or experience love again because you do.

[Asker]

My husband is aware of it and he never pushed me to forget him. He does understands that's a very unique situation and way different than if it would've been a typical break-up. If he had never died and the relationship would've naturally ended, then I would've gotten over him and only my husband would've been in my heart.

[choco-latte]

Your husband sounds like a very kind and mature man. If he understands the situation, then try to rest your mind about it. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and it’s normal that you still hold a place in your heart for your deceased first love if he died during your relationship. Let yourself keep the memories.

[Anonymous]

In THIS case it's normal. No, you cannot love two people if they both alive. But you never got closure with him and it's like an open wound. I don't know if you tell your husband any of this. But it's a tough position for your gusband to be in if you're vocal about it. Because a guy is going to understand. But on some level he might feel like he's competing with a ghost. Some husbands handle it better than others. I have a ladyfriend who this happenwd to as well. She's married and her husband does a good job handling it. Much better than i would i know.

[Asker]

My husband has always been aware of this since we met and is very understanding. I just feel bad to think about the possibility that maybe I would've been married to my first boyfriend had he not died. We were at a happiest moment in our relationship at the time, our families liked each other and we did once talk edabout how we would like to form a family one day in the future when we're older and done with college. So yeah that can be a hard pill to swallow.

[Opinion Owner]

Well i'm telling you you're talking to a guy who is the JEALOUS type. I wouldn't want t I share my wife in the slightest. But there is nothing to feel guilty about for you. And feeling bad about it ia just a NORMAL response because you loved him, and you love your husband. You have good memories of your boyfriend and you never got closure with them like in a breakup. So understandibly those nerve ending (so to speak) are still alive. And it's not wrong to go to a place in your mind from time to time about what if (hell, women do that who AREN'T in the situation you're in). Just don't do it so much that you lose track of the fact that you and your husband are here, and that time is unfortunately the past.

My ladyfriend's situation wasn't even as bad as yours. Because she lost her boyfriend to suicide. The guy had a good heart but he had issues. I consider your situation worse, and i'm not being cold to my friend, nor would i say this. But considering her past boyfriends mental state it was probably for the better with her. And i'm saying ponder that possibility. It just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. Maybe you (despite your feelings) are a better match for your husband. Or he is a better match for you. I believe God has a plan for everyone. One we cannot fully see or comprehend with our puny mortal brains.

[Anonymous]

You may never get over him. It’s the same way you may never get over a relative who died. Perfectly normal.

[Asker]

True. It would've been different if the relationship would've ended naturally. Losing him when our relationship was at its happiest moment makes a whole difference, never knowing how things would've ended or if we could've gotten married years later too.

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly. There will always be a thought that you could have been together forever and had kids with him and wonder why something tragic like that happened. Ending up with your current husband though will always be because of that so it will be impossible not to think about forever but there is nothing wrong with it. I am sure you do not love your husband any less because of it.

[slatyb]

Absolutely. I am also married but sometimes I miss talking to an ex-girlfriend. We're still occasionally in touch on social media but haven't had a conversation in many years.

[Asker]

You're lucky you can still contact her if you want to. At times I'm left wondering if we could've been married with kids by now if he had not died. Considering that he perished when we were in the happiest time in our relationship, that's a possibility.

[Jersey2]

Yes, the heart is a very big place so it can fit him. He sacrificed for you. Just don’t rub it in your husband’s face.

[Asker]

Just to think his last words at the moment (when he protected me and salty water was getting to me; nearly going down) was ''Hold on, I got you, you're ok baby, I got you'' and then upon getting rescued was ''Stay there, don't worry about me''. He was so full of life and would've accomplished so much by now.

[Jersey2]

Loge him, don’t f0rget him but keep going in your life and enjoy.

[jahaims]

No, you aren't emotionally mature if you enter a relationship while having feelings for others.

[Asker]

I can't forget my first boyfriend that literally die saving me. It's like that part of my life (my youth) sometimes feels like it's frozen in time. It would've been different if he was alive and we break up later on. Then yeah I would've have stopped having feelings for him but he was taken away from me.

[MrChinaski]

That's normal. Beautiful, actually.

[Asker]

It's sad too. There is the possibility that I would've probably married him had our relationship progressed and he didn't perished.