Search Results: getting over a first love

See I've made some bad choices, and yes I view myself a bit negatively about that, I was curious if I spelled out what I view as some of my worse points to do with... Well, getting myself a boyfriend. If anyone on here would be willing to put that aside or not:

So I lost my vcard at 18 not long after I started uni, I wanted to get it over and done with. The first time typically hurts but at the same time I kept getting this echo of what if I get raped I wanted my first time done on my own terms. So I basically shackled up with the first guy who shown interest in me, it was mediocre wasn't good could have been a lot worse. There was a couple of almost times where I touched a D.

I didn't have sex again until a year later, guy 2 introduced me to sado/machism and made me realise just how much I loved pleasing a guy. A few months after that just before my 20th I had sex with a guy whom my friends told me I should get with, two quite toxic friends.

A few months after that I had sex with a guy at a party, he was the first guy I did multiples with, it lasted about two weeks and I stopped it when I realised just how little he actually cared. 6 months later new years and got wasted woke up next to a guy.

2 months later guy 6, and this is when I got a bit carried away. I'm pretty sure I was depressed I was at the height of a toxic friendship and I lived hours away from home. I felt super lonely and now I wasn't having sex for pleasure but rather comfort. I love my cuddles so I figured: give sex get cuddles, I did everything I could to get comfort and thought it's better than drugs or drinking all the time. Though at that time I smoked pot and drank lots. 3 months later the guys at work offered coke and thought why not maybe it'll make this feeling go away. Guy 7 was married, yes I knew and yes it was a little forced but I could have said no and I didn't and yes I'm pretty sure he would have stopped. Then in the space of 2 months I slept with guys 7-11.

My boyfriend started working late nights with a mortuary company. He started pretending he had calls to get done. I believed he was cheating so it got bad and we went our own way. I went to get my car back and caught him red handed with another girl in the car. That night I pulled up he offered me money to go home but I noticed a shadow in the drive way and I managed to run up to the car and found a girl with 2 kids. I didn’t fight her. I took her with me bc she didn’t have a way of getting home and had kids and he also got away in my other car ( I’m dumb af) later that night he broke into my room and was sleeping on my bed. I went through his phone and he had another girl he was actually having a sexual relationship with. I confronted him and exposed him on his IG page. His guy friends congratulated him for his actions, at the end of the day a lot of girl thanked me. I decided to get back with him and forgive him. When he finally took me to his new place he was renting I noticed pictures of a girl who looked familiar , second time around I recognized who it was. It’s his ex from years ago. I was mad but at the same time he brings me over and sometimes I cook there. I don’t know how to feel about it. She’s not always around but when she is she offers him food her mom cooked or she whines and wants to talk about how she got hurt that day , he doesn’t say much just gets back to his room. I just wonder if he had conversations with her before I came around and even ate with her. He’s friendly and doesn’t say no when someone offers him food/conversations. It only makes me wonder what else he’ll accept. I forgot to say the first night I slept over the ex came back & just opened his room door.. she saw me laying down. Since then she keeps her distant but wtf? I’m obviously in love with this guy and tolerate his bs. I’m 23 and he’s 30 He like to act like he doesn’t need me but at the same time he knows he has advantage bc my cars are under his name. I was 19 b4.