At the end of last year, I had written an article using an informal interview with my friend Ari about feminism to add a second point of view to help really bring in more perspectives to MyTakes especially when writing about topics such as a male's POV of male/female dynamics.
I loved the idea so much that I did a few more interviews around that time with members of this site and will do more if these do well. Today's interview is with a good friend on here @FriendlyDrugDealer. FDD is a 30 year old, African American cis male and a budding music artist. As usual, I will be paraphrasing our responses, but I will try to direct quote his answers where I can.
I wanted to write about the experiences we have seen during our times out navigating this world and how we are perceived by things such as our gender and skin tone both here in the US and in foreign countries to us. Male and female experiences when just going out are a bit different, as some of you may know, down to having to have "the talk" about just what the expectations are when you are a woman or a person of color (PoC). Bonus points if you are both, which in my case, I am. Some families do have to experience "the talk". One dedicated to teaching survival techniques when dealing with authorities or just aggressive types who don't respect boundaries.
Bri: Did you ever have "the talk" about what to expect when just trying to exist while traveling both here in the US and abroad? I didn't get that talk and it led to learning through trial by fire.
FDD: "Sort of both. I heard advice and instructions from different members of my family but it was something I had to learn for myself too. Being an African American man in America you have to be mindful of certain places you go and certain people you may interact with. It's not like I'm always on edge but I'm definitely not blind to my surroundings and the individuals within them. Whether it's something as dating or interactions with law enforcement, the stereotypes people apply to someone who likes me unfortunately comes from the territory. The best thing I can do is educate people about how people like me feel in the world and hopefully turn the tide on the ignorance that corrupts the minds of people."
Bri: Do you feel like the talks helped and that you are able to move around safely both here in the US and abroad?
FDD: Yes and no. Yes in the sense it was still cities and I grew up in a city and you pick up certain things like learning to respect other people walking, learning how to navigate the transit system, etc. No on the sense that being an American isn't exactly welcomed in other countries due to our reputation and previous tourists that would be obnoxious and expect the country/ city to be like America without realizing it doesn't work that way. My experience in America is different because I view it through the perspective of reality but hoping for a better tomorrow. There is certain places in America I rather not visit again or at all. My skin tone does have an effect on the people around me and the society I live in. I don't look at it as a hindrance but it is something I can't ignore.
I have to agree with him here. I have been pulled over while walking before and questioned when I was doing absolutely nothing wrong. There is also a tone shift that is definitely noticeable when men talk to women vs other men if you pay attention to it as well as ones when dealing with members of your own race vs another. If you aren't noticing it then you most likely don't have to deal with this kind of thing in the community you are in for one reason or another.
Some might ask, "Is the talk a necessary thing? Isn't it overblown?" My answer to them is with statistics and life experiences.
Bri: I have seen several times on this site alone where guys will blame women for what they wear as reasons they were being attacked in public. Surely you don't believe that do you?
FDD: First off, it's not that simple. Yes, you should call out your fellow men who act like they're entitled to women or believe women should be a specific role. No one is entitled to shit to except their basic human rights and to be treated fairly and respectfully. A woman could wear a burka and still be hit on by a creep who don't give a d*mn. If it has a vagina then they can and will go after it. I'm not on some SJW thing, this isn't a political issue. It's called always checking ourselves and reviewing if we went wrong somewhere, but it takes both men AND women educating each other to solve this instead of passing off the blame like it's hot potato.
My advice to women? If you can, always travel in groups. If you can avoid being alone, please do that. Pay attention to time, stay on a Main Street area or somewhere popular because police tend to circle that area often, etc. I highly recommend learning a martial art for self defense.
Bri: I think that brings up a very important cross subject and that is female persons of color. I think we agree that it is harder for women to move around freely than it is for men, but black women specifically have a 20% higher chance of being raped in their lifetime over other women which is already exceedingly high. They are also 2.5 times more likely to be murdered over their white counterparts, yet receive less press when one is made a victim.
FDD: "Oh yeah that doesn't surprise me in the slightest, black women get hit with both sexism and racism at the same time. It's the racism that still continues in America and the inequalities of being a woman. Its something I really despise when people disrespect black women because they try to pass off their racist values onto others. Try to say " black women aren't beautiful " or they're inferior to other women because of skin tone, hair texture, etc. But no one wants to acknowledge how much music, fashion or even physical figures in media are literally based off black women. Twerking/ dances, getting a curvier shape, slang, trends, etc. The origin of these things can be traced back to African American women or communities but no one wants to acknowledge that yet continue to drag their name through the mud."
As for international travel, this was closer in what others might experience even walking around here in the US. He offered words of wisdom on this front too from his experience traveling to several different places.
Bri: You previously mentioned American's having it a bit harder when traveling internationally. Why is that and how do you feel it differs for a man and a woman?
FDD: I kept my identity as an American pretty lowkey because not many people are fond of us. I tried to submerge myself with the locals and respect their culture and way of life as possible which actually enhanced my experiences for the best. It's probably harder for women because people can tell if you're not a local and that makes them even more of a target from creeps or to predators for human trafficking. If you travel, go with friends/ family or meet up with someone who is already there. Please, I highly recommend avoiding traveling around an area you're not from by yourself
I have only been to Mexico myself and I was still a kid when I went so my experiences are limited on that front. This advice does seem pretty sound though. I didn't experience any bad issues though, but if those of you reading this want to include your own experiences in the comments, please do so!
I want to thank all of you for making it this far and as will be the usual, I will give FDD the last words here.
Bri: Please tell me about one of your worst experiences just being out and about where things escalated beyond where they should ever go.
FDD: Hmm okay, growing up in a city I had some close calls, rare skirmishes but willing to handle it. The most frightening one to me ironically was outside of a city when I was living with my dad in a suburban area where it's an incredibly nice neighborhood. I was jogging on my way home when this car was driving slow up behind me. I figured it was someone I knew but it wasn't when I saw the driver and I saw it wasn't anyone I can recognize. I heard " where are you going N word (with the hard -er at the end)". I immediately was triggered and being a 20 year old martial artist from New York? I was ready to fight but I figured he just wanted my reaction. There was two guys in the car and I'm trying to remain calm while also thinking this can go really bad for me. I've been pressed by gang members but this was different, at least if I called the police they would break it up but I figured in this situation, I'd be the ones in handcuffs even as the victim. So I jogged away and cut through a park and hid, they were circling around looking for me for 10 mins in the car until they left. That bothered me because I felt like there was nothing bad outcomes and that one was the only one that made sense to me.
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