Some reasons why victims have a hard time leaving their abuser, or reasons why some people seek abusive partners...

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

It isn't that easy...

* Buckle up, this is going to be fairly long and full of information. *

Hi, I'm sure you've seen me around or read my opinions I have posted on some questions, I have talked briefly about my past experiences. That is one of the reasons why I am writing a MyTake. I also want to educate some people on the reasons why people stay or seek abusive relationships. I’m sure many of you noticed a pattern with some people, and maybe this will give you more insight! I have noticed that many men on G@G ask questions regarding why girls go for the “bad boys” or stay with abusive boyfriends. I thought I would make a MyTake to explain this the best I could, based on my experience and research. I might write another MyTake on the warning signs one day...

First things first, What are the main types of abuse?

• Physical abuse - Intentional bodily injury such as punches, kicks, choking, slapping, shoving.
• Sexual abuse - Nonconsensual sex or sexual contact, coercion, nudity, or explicit photography.
• Psychological/mental/emotional abuse - Deliberate emotional or mental pain caused by intimidation, manipulation, harassment, yelling, swearing, degrading, and isolating.

It’s a complex issue. Many don’t understand it if they haven’t experienced it or researched it. Most people do not stay with their abuser or want a person who treats them because they actively want to be treated like that… There is often an ulterior reason.

But what are the ulterior reasons, You ask?

There are so many reasons why someone would stay with someone like that or seek out people who treat them poorly… I will provide some reasons and explain a bit more.

- Abuse was normalized in their life - We all know someone who grew up in abusive households, and you know the negative effects abusive households leave on people, especially children. When that is all you knew growing up, that quite literally is your “home,” your “comfort.” Awful, isn’t it? So… Some people will seek out that same type of “comfort” in romantic relationships later on.

- Low self-esteem - You know that self-esteem is common, but did you know how bad it can affect some people? When someone has low self-esteem, they perceive themselves as less than… They think they don’t deserve someone good, so they search for someone who they think they deserve (typically those with issues and abusive).

- Fear is a reason why they stay - We all know the fear aspect of leaving an abusive partner or someone who mistreats them. Those who are abusive are typically unpredictable and lash out easily. When the victim of abuse tries to leave the abuser will do things to inflict fear upon their victim - Whether it be blackmail or threatening their life. When your life is on the line, staying with the abuser seems to be the best choice.

- Lack of resources - When there is a lack of resources, it makes leaving hard. Not only is it difficult to leave because of fear, but having a lack of resources makes things 10x more difficult for people. This might be because they are dependent on their partner one way or another. For example, a lack of money/shared finances or assets, no family to go to, not being able to work, no transportation, etc. This is a reason why some people stay in abusive relationships.

- Children are involved - Children being involved is one of the worst things imaginable in an abusive relationship. When you are struggling with an abusive household/partner, but you have children, you can’t think only about yourself. You have to think about your children and their safety. That means, if you leave them, the children are now unsafe because the abuser will most likely abuse the children. Children are also used as a guilt tactic to stay with the abuse.

- Comfort/Normalized abuse - Similar to the reasons why people seek out abusive partners, people stay for the same reason. Some people stay in abusive relationships because it is their “comfort” because abuse in their life was normalized and they are simply used to it and can tolerate it. They don’t feel comfortable when it isn’t abusive.

- Stockholm syndrome - We’ve all heard of this. Typically when in a hostage-victim situation. People stay and are compliant with their victim, trusting of the abuser, backing them up, thinking highly of them, thinking that what the abusers are doing is good for them, and distrusting towards anyone who is outside the relationship, law enforcement, or wanting them to leave... This is a very serious emotional response to abuse and a reason why some victims stay.

- The cycle of abuse - I have experienced this personally, and it makes it difficult to leave. The cycle of abuse starts off as the honeymoon phase, getting progressively worse, then the (broken) promises claiming they won't do it again, and they are sorry... Lo and Behold, the cycle repeats. It makes it difficult to leave because there's always the "good" part of the abuser that the victim holds onto, just hoping that maybe next time they will change and things will be different.

- Embarrassment or shame - Yes, I know embarrassment might be the least of their worries, but it is humiliating having to reach out and admit they are or have been abused because it makes it seem like it was their fault for even getting into the relationship. Again, most people who have never experienced it or researched it, don't understand it.

- LOVE! - Love conquers all, right? Victims oftentimes love their abusers, they loved who they were before they started abusing them. Love is difficult to break, it doesn't stop like a flip of a switch. "Love bombing" is more intense than the honeymoon phase, I mean, 10x more intense. Those acts can really attract the victim and make them fall head over heels in love with the abuser, then the abuser starts the abuse. When you love someone, don't want to leave.

Abuse is complex, it is complicated, it is disturbing, it is painful, and it is something no one really wants to be in.

No one deserves to be abused, in any way, whatsoever... So if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, I hope this gave a better understanding understand the reasons why you/they might still be with them in the first place.

I hoped you learned a bit more about this topic and enjoyed reading it! Thanks!

[Cathy7734]

I agree with what you wrote and I just wanted to add something to the the "LOVE" section.

Tony Robbins says that we all have stories that we tell ourselves and they are self-fulfilling prophecies. For example, if a woman tells herself, "All the men I'm interested in cheat on me" guess what will happen with the next man she is interested in? He will cheat on her. Even if he doesn't she will "spin" reality so that he is.

One reason a victim will stay with an abuser because the victim is in "love" with the abuser. The victim is telling a story "He/she is a great provider." "He/she loves me." Etc. The victim is viewing the relationship with "rose-tinted glasses." So if incidents happen that conflict with the story he/she is telling themselves, the victim will make believable excuses. "He/she hit me. A person who uses violence doesn't love the other person right? Well, I can be obnoxious and say things I shouldn't. He/she was drinking when I was obnoxious and he/she hit me at their weakest moment."

Even if family and friends, or even a therapist, tries to tell the victim how things are, the victim will ignore the advice. The victim's story has to be true. I hope I'm making sense.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

That makes total sense, and the “LOVE” section really hits close to home. Making excuses for the abuser, putting the blame on themselves for the reason why they’re being abused.

Thank you for your additional input!
I’m sure many people can relate.

[Lliam]

@Cathy7734. So cognitive dissonance is at play when facts conflict with the narrative that one has internalized.

[Cathy7734]

@Lliam
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE "The state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change."

As far as people who are telling them stories it seems to me that they don't have inconsistent thoughts. They are pretty clear on what the truth is for them. For example, if a woman tells the story, "All the men that I'm attracted to use me for sex." This is her truth. It's written in stone. Her friends tell her she is right. Her thoughts, beliefs and attitudes narrow straight.

[Lliam]

@Cathy7734. Another definition is: "The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so this conflict causes feelings of unease or discomfort.

This inconsistency between what people believe and how they behave motivates people to engage in actions that will help minimize feelings of discomfort. People attempt to relieve this tension in different ways, such as by rejecting, explaining away, or avoiding new information."

I believe it manifests when people convince themselves that something is true and suffer cognitive dissonance when confronted with information that challenges their beliefs. Under such circumstances, reality shakes their world and actually terrifies them. They'll suffer denial and jump through hoops to cling to "their" reality.

I was addressing this to Cathy's comment, "So if incidents happen that conflict with the story he/she is telling themselves, the victim will make believable excuses."

[concerned4u]

@Cathy7734 I would say I agree with having cognitive dissonance in the part of the abuse and self fulfilling prophecy with getting in the relationship to start? Cognitive dissonance, in terms of what your EYES see versus what your BRAIN will 'let' you think. ''Well, he 'acted' like he loved me to start, and I 'love' him, therefore, this is not possible and I will overlook the abuse, look 'see' there is evidence, he said he was sorry and is giving a gift", 'OUCH! I see him abusing again' but this conflicts, oh look, he said he was sorry again'. Thank you @Cathy7734 Thank you for this perspective! This is brilliant! It explains actually... ALL of the relationships I've been in. Sadly, even the way my bio 'father' treated me. @Lliam Yes, I would say I had cognitive dissonance very painfully, and this is accurate for a lot of women I've met. Also, some women don't know they have resources. Happens with male victims, too.

[purplepoppy]

It's amazing how huge numbers of normal everyday guys can't get a girlfriend yet these thugs always have girls throwing themselves at them. I know there's a few that seem nice on the surface but I believe the majority are the stereotypical "bad boy" type. I'm not sure what's going through these womens heads when they get involved with these men. You run at the first warning sign not trap yourself with them.
If you've got kids you get out for their safety, no excuses.

[concerned4u]

My experience, is that these guys do things that healthy guys don't, the thugs have a method to scheming, and they usually don't start off appearing like a 'bad guy', quite the opposite:. Narcissistic abuse (I've read so much psychopathfree and truelovescam and experienced this), it's like: step one, they have EVERYthing in common with you (mine said he was interested in Christian cartoons (just like me)); step two, they mimic even your mannerisms (it's strange, but I've seen it happen so many times); three, they actually seem to want the same goals; four, they give gifts and do whatever you ask; five, well eventually they marry you and then start abuse filled with excuses. A lot of times, the children don't get hit. But by the point of marriage, cameras are set up, and even the children and mother's phone get tracked. Sometimes law enforcement agrees with the abuser because he looks 'so good' on the outside (I've seen this happen). A good guy will have conflict, they will also disagree, they will maybe not decide to be with you or that their ways are too different. I just don't like the stigma that a woman wants a 'bad guy'. Now, narcissist women will go after someone who's rich no matter what the cost is, these are the ones after the 'bad guy', they are scarily different ballpark.

[Bricealan]

Purple, I am in agreement with you. You LEAVE at the first sign of violence, and don't stick around for a second beating. I worked with a 'couple' at Firestone Tire. I heard them 'talk' IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF US, no less. He (husband) asks her (wife) "When was the last time, I beat you" Her reply was "Well, maybe six months" Him, "Well, see there, it's been a long time" What the hell, I thought!
Nice guy, he later went to Federal Prison, for drug trafficking. My experience says, no excuse for a woman to tolerate that. I will never help a battered woman again.

[Slartybartfast]

When you lack any choice other than abusive or single... Welcome to a mans world!
Read all these guys who litterally NEVER get a chance with women.
Now One women says yes, it doesn't matter how awful she is to him, he's going to do everything he can to keep her. Besides, who is he going to call? The police? the police could find her holding his decapitated head and would arrest his headless body before looking at her. (the deluth model)

Look at all the simp (not that I like the word but) comments from desperate men willing to humiliate themselves just for the chance to suck up to the boss (women). What type of abuse do you think they would allow, they won't even say what they think online.

I used to be like that, then I gained some self respect and stopped dating.

[concerned4u]

There are men who get abused, as well, it's true. The article could have focused on abuse in both genders. However... statistically it's higher for women. I personally know women who, when they called the law enforcement out, they always sided with the man. This could happen on both sides. It really depends on where you live. I totally would be amazed to find a non abusive, honest man and would stay with them. I disagree that good woman aren't interested and am agreeing with a poster above that it's a self fulfilling prophecy that can be created. The more I think about it, the more it's true. I 'get' that you are projecting your situation (possibly?) but this doesn't have to do with statistics. The idea of this post is to illicit compassion on anyone abused, male OR female. Women need men to stand up for them and help fund shelters.

[Enigma07]

Brother, I feel your pain and I understand you 100%. My ex-wife mentally abused me (because she can leave me whenever she feels like it, she had a list of guys who want her) for 12 years. One conclusion that I have notice is, not all the time but most of the time women will get away with murder. I was also physically abused by a women when I was a child and they are out there but that's the world that we are living nowadays.

[TadCurious]

You did a fine job with a difficult and painful topic. You described very well the reasons why victims stay, but if there is to be any hope for them those reasons can't be the end of the story. Maybe in a follow up myTake you can discuss the way out of the cycle.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

Thanks! I definitely plan on writing follow up or different parts for the MyTakes.
Just need to gather more information and the time 😁

[OlderAndWiser]

Thank you! This is a topic that deserves frequent reminders because, if you have not experienced this firsthand, it is difficult or impossible to fathom.

[Hello4242]

I found myself in an abusive relationship during a vulnerable time in my life. When I felt lonely, and depressed. I told myself that I wanted someone fun, who could lift my spirits up. Who had a country accent, and loved to dance. Then, I actually ran into just that. I normally didn’t go out, but I went out one night with my mom and her boyfriend. I was shy, quiet. But I definitely have wild fun side. I suppose that’s part of why I wanted to find a man who was goofy and fun, someone who could bring that side out of me. While we were out, my mom pulled the main guy off the dance floor; he had all of the girls attention, he was the center of the dance floor. He was a blast. He pulled me in and we danced away. Oddly enough, he had a southern accent, was a blast, and loved to dance. Exactly what I was looking for. He healed me in many ways. He lifted me up during my darkest days, made me feel seen. We had banter like I have never had with anyone. But as time went on, and when life got really, really tough, I began to see just how toxic he really was.

He was abused as a child- verbally, and physically by his father. He had a pending DV case when we had met, which he was dealing with while we were together. Every time I had something to say, he would say to me, “quite your gripping.” He would tell me that I had an, “attitude problem,” and make me feel like I wasn’t likeable. He would get so angry over the smallest things. He would emotionally dump on me. He would wake me up at 6am going on about whatever he was stressing about, and on and on and on. I wouldn’t get time to wake up slowly. He was always full of energy, he had ADHD. I was a very nurturing person, with lots of empathy. I gave so much of myself to this man, who was ultimately incapable of loving. He wasn’t capable of loving, because he wasn’t loved as a child. He had deep wounds. He saw himself as a victim to his abuse, and much of what happened in his life as an adult, like not being able to keep jobs.

We connected to each other for many reasons. I truly believe that there was soul connection that words cannot explain. I think we bonded over some what similar traumas. We both felt abandoned by our fathers. We also both felt depressed when we met. I loved him for who he was at a soul level, which doesn’t see the walls someone has built from trauma, because that’s not who they really are. I ended up staying longer then I should have because I became dependent on him - I didn’t have much of a family, or friend support group.

My message with this story is that abuse is so much more complex then people realize. People want to reduce it down to of well he/she was a narcissist. Or I was in it because of this one reason. I believe that it is okay and possible to have had a genuine relationship with someone who is abusive. And that that abusive person isn’t a monster, they are that way for a reason. And the person who stays with an abusive person may stay because they don’t have support, or because they really love that person. Abuse is complicated, and I sill try and rap my head around what happened in mine. I am sure other people in abusive relationships are taken back by all that happened in it. I know I still am.

[concerned4u]

Amen, thank you for this. Anything but compassion for abuse victims, should be unheard of. *I'll also say this can be role reversed, too, as it happens women to men as well or in same sex relations. I had one guy I thought I 'loved', but the challenge people don't know (in the case of narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy, etc) is that these guys posing as 'men' will intentionally present themselves as over the top 'good' (charmers, bread winners, they have accolades, all 'admire them') bc they 'want' something (sex, someone to make them feel better about themselves, you to work or clean or cook for them, rob from you, etc) so that you may marry them, and then, once roped in, is when the abuse happens, then they give their 'victim' line: "I didn't mean it. My parents made me this way. I'm so so sorry... I got carried away or gives a huge gift' and then 'trauma bonding begins': the woman says 'okay' and then again it happens, and by the time the pattern is found, the women are made to feel so bad about themselves so it's hard to get out, they feel 'low' and 'unworthy'. Often, the violence has escalated to the extent of them having cameras installed in the car, a hack into your cell phone, and at that point, breaking away is now almost IMPOSSIBLE. Then they have to go in shelter, and possibly die trying. Also, threats can be made on their children. It can get scary. Even horrid police can side with the abuser. Even threats to 'find them' if they ever 'do' leave.
In the case of alcohol and drugs, maybe they have been 'good' when sober, so it's hard to want to leave, the person loves them and really thinks the abuse will stop. Sometimes, they 'do' get sober, can patch things, and it works through with AlAnon, AA, or Celebrate Recovery. Sometimes, they don't and the woman stays in the relationship bc she's scared to 'abandon the poor thing'. Well, leaving 'could' be their wake up call, and sometimes is.

[VinnyMac]

Thanks for your post; I believe many people would benefit if they they read what you have written here without forming their own judgments or assumptions on the topic. Understanding why really sheds a new perspective that they may not have even considered. There's so many sides to every situation that many people aren't aware of or don't even realize they're something to they should be taking into consideration. It's easy to view things as well without truly understanding the context of that situation. No two experiences are the same; they may be similar, but each individual has many factors separating who they are as opposed to someone else.

I used to ask questions like this about my own parents after being in an abusive home and having two parents who were in a toxic unhealthy relationship where they should of separated maybe sooner. I was placed in Foster Care at a young age and really in a position where asking these kinds of things were not on my mind. I was a child and I loved my parents despite any of the things my brother and I had endured. It's strange sometimes, but some people who are close to or even in a relationship not realize what is going on. When something becomes a daily reality it almost becomes their normal. It's often hard to question things when they've either been in the situation for a long time or the abuser (s) somewhat condition them into a form of acceptance that this is their life and outside of that their is nothing else that was better.

For myself I only began asking questions when I was able to understand that the situation I had been in was not a normal one. No child should have to endure abuse, and their parents were dealing with things that a child cannot understand. That's never an excuse for any form of abuse, but the cycle when formed is extremely hard for the victims to break when it keeps circling back to where it began and round and round without their being an end in sight.

[William2198]

I do not know personally what it is like to be in a physical abusive relationship but I do know what it is like to be in an emotionally abuse one. The thing that made me stay is the thought that they would change and that they were just going through something and it would pass. It never passed. I keep seeing how things could be and it felt so close but never came. Although, from a far, now I think we are the perfect match but ofc we hate each other. She is all love and peace now. It sucks how someone can destroy you and then move on and have a good life while you're traumatized and struggling. But fault and responsibility don't go together... Sadly.

The whole experience made me better with women but it also made me more of a bad guy. I will never be a good guy to any romantic part but the girl I am going to marry. I dont treat them bad or anything but I don't show them my emotions anymore. A lot of guys are wrong but I do believe, now, that they are right about not putting women on a pedestal. Don't let the makeup fool you. They are men with wombs.

[TonyMetal___86]

If you were a housewife and you're husband was you're everything in this life, he did some mistakes like physically abusing you and treated you bad a couple of times but than he was sorry...

Everyone tells you to leave and get a divorce but you always hope that he's going to change and thay divorce is a sin and you're trying you're best to never achieve this point, also you have kids together...

You thought about all the good things that he did to you and all the bad things he did to you and you realized that he's good things are a lot more than the bad things, also you're sure that he never cheats on you or love anyone else other than you...

Someday he came back home and saw you crying and wanted to die, he hugs you tight and told you to stop crying, than he promised you that he will never make such mistakes again with you...

If you were in this scenario miss @WhatTheHeckkkk will you forgive and be very happy again and feel safe or you will dump him and get a divorce?

[concerned4u]

@TonyMetal___86 I know I'm not the op, but... This sounds like a slower situation. 'Abusing' isn't making a 'mistake', for true abusers, this is a 'calculated' thing, a pattern that repeats itself rather frequently. The intent from the start was to harm and keep a woman down. Maybe, if there's an alcohol or drug issue, this also could result in abuse, also if it was exhibited in the family they were raised in. If a husband who 'truly' cares seeks counseling and stops any use of substances, then sure, I can see a possibility of reconciliation. The man would have to resolve that he'd rather harm himself than anyone else. He would have to 'show' that he 'is' changed. For myself, personally, after first physical harming, I'm 'out like scout'. The 'only' way I'd stay is if he genuinely showed he is changed.

[TonyMetal___86]

@concerned4u that's what i meant, if he truly have changed than you must not leave but in contrary you must encourage him and stay...

Abuse is a mistake, if not than what is it called?
It's a repeating pattern for every man, maybe the majority are like that but not all of them!

Things happens in life, if someone wants to always harm you than why would he treat you like a princess and make you happy all the time and might have even saved you're life many times than suddenly he abused you couple of times but was sorry and promised to change, a woman must be able to know how to treat her husband...

If he was you're boyfriend than i'll say yes "out like a scout" but when it comes to a husband, it ain't easy like that if you truly know the meaning of a marriage!

[concerned4u]

I know you're getting antsy in the pants, chill out. Here's the deal: you are asking something off. topic..
Abusers often have a condition you may want to look up called narcissistic personality disorder.
With this condition, NO, it's it NOT a mistake, they intentionally abuse.
Even if supposedly unintentional, which I wasn't saying YOU were being but classic abusers, which is the topic of the post, it still would NOT be considered a 'mistake'. You 'know' what you are doing.
Can you call it 'abuse' stemming out a 'dysfunctional home'? Yes, I would take that, but never call it a 'mistake', that's like saying, 'you can't help but sometimes see a woman as less than' it takes YOU our of the POWER seat by saying 'YOU can sometimes not 'control yourself from causing pain to another human', it's the same thinking that says: "YOU made ME angry", very caveman, NO, YOU CHOOSE to be angry. YOU CHOOSE to abuse or NOT SEEK HELP.
So, of course, I see you projecting onto this post, perhaps, your situation, and it depends on the individual woman. Christ said to love one's wife as he loves the church. The TRUE meaning of marriage is a loving union between husband and wife. Seek the help, then the woman MAY STAY, don't do it, then ABSOLUTELY she has no need to sign up for abuse. That is not a loving union as Christ intended. This whole mindset of being 'stuck' with someone who harms you is sheer insanity and I don't believe it's what Christ intended. Unless, in your situation, you seek help, own up to your actions, never say to her: "it was a mistake", say: "'I' was raised in a dysfunctional home, I'm seeking help, also if you're on something then you will have completed rehab, come back a better man. This has nothing to do with a CALCULATED ABUSER, which is what a lot of abusers are, and even if they are NOT, in a marriage, DEFINITELY separate, until the husband PROVES he can change.

[TonyMetal___86]

@concerned4u thanks for the insight and i do agree with you on some points...
Still my opinion is the same...

[TommyMountainFigure]

That was an extremely well written and insightful piece from someone who is clearly knowledgable about this very sensitive, and sometimes unspoken about subject..

I would like to add something if i may to your 'fear' segment:-

Another reason why people do not leave out of fear, is the fear of the unknown, or of being alone. The old saying 'better the devil you know, than the devil you don''t' is common amongst victims of abuse.

I have experienced abuse, not from a victim's perspective but as one who has helped others break away from their abuser, and my heart goes out to anyone suffering now or in the past from their experience.

If I could give one piece of advice to anyone currently in a turbulent relationship, it would be gather your things and run. Worry about the consequences later, you'll have made your life better with immediate effect.

[OpenClose]

Having been in an abusive relationship myself, it's certainly a lot easier to understand how people stick around. The experience inside is totally different on the outside. My ex was basically able to convince me that I'm expendable to her and had to apologize for everything, and would redirect any of her issues against me or against men in general.

On the outside, it's easy to look at that as "omg that guy is so p*ssy-whipped". But on the inside, the idea that you're the one who messed everything up is pretty convincing, and you have this feeling like you need to go back and make amends.

Best cure for this was a super non-toxic relationship I had afterwards that put everything in perspective. But it's a tad risky, because you could end up just jumping headlong into another toxic relationship that further solidifies the idea that you're the one messing things up.

[concerned4u]

Exactly, you're blessed to have that healing relationship afterwards. I wish for this as well. It's really a Russian roulette, it seems to me at times.

[worldscolide]

you're absolutely right. My sister in law was badly beaten by her husband. She left for a short time, but then went back saying she could change him. A month later she was pregnant by him again.. We tried everything we could to get her away from him and failed.. Eventually we had to wash our hands of it and let her suffer the consequences of her choices.. We did tell him, Me and her brothers that is, if he ever laid a hand on her again, there would not be enough left of him for the police to find.

[Bricealan]

I risked my life and safety, by stopping a big stupid asshole from battering a woman in a car. When I intervened, the woman jumped out of the car and ran. When the police came, they cautioned me against doing that, as I could have been shot or stabbed in the process. ( I was in the police academy at the time, and confronted him W/O a baton or firearm)
The police officers said that the "girl" would be back in bed with that asshole, later on in the evening. I don't know the reasons why she would stay, I just know I will never risk my life again in such a volatile situation.
I feel for these women, and others passed by without offering to help me, and I will never do it again.

P. S. This asshole was about 6 foot square and weighed about 250-300 lbs

[Phoax]

I saw a video once of a guy breaking up a guy beating a girl. He ended up getting beat down by both of them. It was nuts. Like she was angry at him for interrupting her beating.

[concerned4u]

He doesn't know that she'll be back. It was a little crass of him to say this. Maybe she's going back to get her things? Maybe she's going back or she'd be homeless? Maybe she has a child? Maybe she's been crossed here illegally. Or, maybe he's right and she does return to the abuse. But, I will say this, she will always remember that SOMEone for once in her life cared to stand up for her and it will likely give her strength to care enough about herself to get out. I do agree it's risky but the fact that she ran and didn't stick around to 'defend him' is a good sign she may not return.

[roseline_]

Very wonderful write up, very educating.

Women are unique and because of their uniqueness it is impossible to tell what women really want.

Like hell yeah what rocks my boat might sink yours. It's quite unfortunate that some people find themselves in a situation where they think they have no help, if not I wouldn't know why a person will rather choose an abusive partner.

Truth is no reason can be given to justify abuse. In a civilized society it is unlawful and punishable by law.

So whoever is feeling abused should speak up and let the proper channel handle it.
We shouldn't give these men the right to maltreat us to the extent of abuse.

[globetrotter22]

I do believe we all make bad choices at some point in dating. However the attraction of “challenge” seems to be a much deeper mental quirk in female mental state vs how men think.

If you want to date an asshole by all means plow straight ahead. But YOU made this risky and piss poor dating decision. There are almost always red flags he’s dangerous. But those are exciting right? Just can’t resist that you might be the one to “change him”.

The ugly truth is that it’s not a matter if but when he will screw you over. When that day comes i have a hard time believing that the woman is always the “victim”. She willing dated this guy (meanwhile ignoring and/or friéndzoning large swathes of nice guys).

I don’t defend abusive men. But you don’t see guys getting shoulders to cry on when we get screwed over by abusive women. Why do women always expect special treatment on this one.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I'm sorry for any abusive relationship a partner has to encounter what makes me feel bad is for when a partner goes to work, makes good money, or showers their partner with Love, they get nothing in return, and yes it's sad, and when the two break up it's for the best also some violence involved is no good at all... If a man hits my girlfriend he best leave state where I can't find him vise versa If I had a teen daughter she was in a violent relationship and a guy was hitting her, I would hit him and he would hit the floor yes it's sad no matter what ways one sees it

[Justerino]

I recently found out my cousin and younger sister were in physically abusive relationships. It surprised me that my younger sister who I thought I was close to, told my younger brother about her boyfriend hitting her but not me. When she told me her response to why she put up with it, it almost made me cry. She said she’d lived in foster care, her father was never there for her, neither her mother, and how does she know she deserves better. Tbh tho I’m not close to my half-sister, she lives in another state and although we talk on the phone I see her every couple years.

I wanna tell you something real going on: Some men are perfectly OK with broken homes for families on the lower economic rung, every year a new batch of girls turn 18 and are legal to hit the strip club. I guarantee many of these young girls have “daddy issues”. These girls just turn into prey this is actually real.

[Jamie05rhs]

"- Comfort/Normalized abuse - Similar to the reasons why people seek out abusive partners, people stay for the same reason. Some people stay in abusive relationships because it is their “comfort” because abuse in their life was normalized and they are simply used to it and can tolerate it. They don’t feel comfortable when it isn’t abusive."


I think this is a huge factor, and it should never be understated. Thank you for including this.

[Jamie05rhs]

The money factor is extremely important as well.

[FunkyMonkee]

It isn't that easy? BULLSHIT!!! If you found out your boyfriend had been cheating on you and caught him red-handed, you'd leave him in a heartbeat!! Cheating on you can be said to be a form of abuse! But, if all he does is beat the hell out of you, you'd stick by him and stay in love with him? WHY? He PHYSICALLY HURTS YOU!! You'll leave him over and EMOTIONAL hurt, but stick by him over an physical hurt? Sorry but, that's insane!! Either that or you're a masochist!!
Next time he hurts you, then, pretend you just caught him cheating on you!!

[VinnyMac]

Did you read this MyTake at all?

[concerned4u]

Clearly, you're not a woman. Abuse does happen to men as well. This is the thing: this post is NOT saying it's easy. We're not talking (often) about a boyfriend but someone who is LIVING with you. Do 'you' think that if someone tracked your car, your phone, and set up webcams you can't see, and is stronger than you, 'you' can get out so easily? This DOES happen, I've seen it. Even if that's not the case, they verbally/mentally/financially abuse the woman into submission. Read the MyTake and really put yourself in someone else's shoes. I 'feel' for you, bc, even if you think that what you're saying is true, it's a setup to be blind to the possibility. I didn't listen to people and ended up in an abuse situation. This can happen to men almost as much as women. Be careful, and listen to what people are saying. Compassion is a virtue.

[FunkyMonkee]

@concerned4u No, not the last time I checked.
Well, there you go!! You didn't listen! Just like my aunt who refused to listen to ANYBODY that told her the people she was dealing with were scammers!! She lost the car, the house and roughly $10,000,000 because she REFUSED to listen to ANY of us!!
When you buy a new car and it starts giving your shit almost right out of the gate, do you just happily trot along and completely ignore those issues or do you see to having them taken care of? Most likely, you try to deal with them before the problems get worse! Okay so, you've got a relationship with this new guy and you start noticing issues almost out of the gate. Why do you ignore THOSE and just happily plod along until it's too late instead of getting the hell out of their first chance you get?
You could also take up karate and kick his ass if he ever gives you shit!
I used to have a VERY dear friend in Bulgaria whose hubby beat the shit out of her from time to time, mostly for little shit. One of the last times we talked, she said she had an abscessed tooth and he refused to let her go see a dentist to get it taken care of! She ended up popping the damn thing herself!! After a few years of this abuse, she just got fed up with it and walked!! They never saw each other again! I talked her into leaving him and she did!
Did you ever see the movie, "Sleeping with The Enemy"? How about either of the "Glass House" movies?
I know it can happen to men, too.
I have lots of compassion! Problem is, I'm the one that nobody ever wants to listen to until it's too late!!

[Tiptoetamm]

Wow I'm impressed. Good for you girl and your so right. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parents and stayed with my abusive ex for 11 years until one day I realized if I stay it's just going to continue to get worse. The good time were great and the bad times were hell. I doubted myself for years that I could do it on my own thinking I needed a man to survive. Fuck that I can do it just fine on my own and better because I'm not being fucked with all the time.

[TonyMetal___86]

If the guy was good with you and made you happy, took care of you and protected you, also loved only you than would you have still believed that you can't survive without a man? 🙂

[Teresa435435454]

Similar to stockholm syndrom; when you are in an abusive relationship the abuser love bombs you then abuses you then love bombs you again. Research says that this specific pattern leads to all this dopamine and serotinin in brain reward; and then when it is abruptly turned off its like people get addicted to the love bombing; its a cycle. I've seen such scary things with women caught in these extremely disturbing situations; sad some of them never are able to leave alive;

[DonkeyDan]

This is a great MyTake, thank you. I currently have a friend I am trying to help out of a mentally abusive relationship, but so far have not been successful in helping her. I've offered her a safe no strings attached space to stay, but she insists she can't leave him. I do kind of understand, but at the same time I don't, if you get what I mean. I know she is scared, and I don't know what else to do for her.

[Femphile_xoxo]

I absolutely agree with what you say. I've heard people say "Why don't they just leave their partner" but abuse is a nasty cycle. It can be incredibly difficult to get out of that cycle and for some victims, they don't even realize they're being abused.