Search Results: why do i love sex

See I've made some bad choices, and yes I view myself a bit negatively about that, I was curious if I spelled out what I view as some of my worse points to do with... Well, getting myself a boyfriend. If anyone on here would be willing to put that aside or not:

So I lost my vcard at 18 not long after I started uni, I wanted to get it over and done with. The first time typically hurts but at the same time I kept getting this echo of what if I get raped I wanted my first time done on my own terms. So I basically shackled up with the first guy who shown interest in me, it was mediocre wasn't good could have been a lot worse. There was a couple of almost times where I touched a D.

I didn't have sex again until a year later, guy 2 introduced me to sado/machism and made me realise just how much I loved pleasing a guy. A few months after that just before my 20th I had sex with a guy whom my friends told me I should get with, two quite toxic friends.

A few months after that I had sex with a guy at a party, he was the first guy I did multiples with, it lasted about two weeks and I stopped it when I realised just how little he actually cared. 6 months later new years and got wasted woke up next to a guy.

2 months later guy 6, and this is when I got a bit carried away. I'm pretty sure I was depressed I was at the height of a toxic friendship and I lived hours away from home. I felt super lonely and now I wasn't having sex for pleasure but rather comfort. I love my cuddles so I figured: give sex get cuddles, I did everything I could to get comfort and thought it's better than drugs or drinking all the time. Though at that time I smoked pot and drank lots. 3 months later the guys at work offered coke and thought why not maybe it'll make this feeling go away. Guy 7 was married, yes I knew and yes it was a little forced but I could have said no and I didn't and yes I'm pretty sure he would have stopped. Then in the space of 2 months I slept with guys 7-11.

We have a short but intense history. I stopped talking to him for a month because he did a bonehead thing to make me jealous.

Probably because I got a little distant due to us not seeing eye to eye on the nature of our relationship. Anyway, I expressed this and told him why I disappeared and was totally transparent about why I acted the way I did. So he said he was sad that I cut him off, misses me, loves me and wants to be with me.

We haven't had sex and I have made it clear it isn't happening if I'm not married. I am really distrustful of men and their motives due to a lot of past trauma. I know people can't mind read but does he sound like he's just saying anything he can to win and get me in bed or is he being truly vulnerable with me?