Search Results: telling him how i feel

Long story short, I started facing forced marriage threats from my dad since I was 5. It started with my parents telling me how they got married and that it is the norm in our culture. I was pretty much feeling really scared and anxious, so one night in 1st grade I couldn’t sleep from fear and anxiety, so went to looking for comfort from my parents (mind you they were still awake and chatting to each other).

I had this “you’re my parents you’re not going to do that to me right?” as my actual intention when confronting my parents, because as a kid I somehow understood all of the downside of forced marriage including marital rape—which now as a grown adult with a BSpsych + master in psychotherapy and training in working with forced marriage survivors/girls at risk, I can confirm my understanding back then was oddly correct and logical for a 5-year-old kid (which I got no idea how child me understood the concept so well just from reading and observation but adults didn’t?).

Anyways, continuing the story, instead of reassurance from my parents, what I got was my dad becoming furious, red, and started yelling about obedience because apparently I wasn’t “submissive” or “obedient enough” for a Asian little girl. I was constantly seen as a disrespectful brat because I wanted autonomy, and they are more than wrong, because revenge is the main thing that I aimed for.

I wasn’t just a disrespectful brat, I started having this desire to kill and to destroy anyone that attempted to hurt me especially and specifically my family. When i was 7 years old the plan was final, how i want to live my life, how i will destroy people involved if i were forced by my parents to marry, how much force would be appropriate, who to hurt and not to hurt,… back then i grieved my potentially muddy future, and now i grieve for my lost childhood.

Anyways, i’m interested if you had a normal childhood

I recently left while my spouse was at work because I had a gut feeling I was no longer safe and wouldn’t get another chance to leave. There were many reasons I left and had packed a “go bag,” but it still hurts…. I still feel like I didn’t give him enough chances and like maybe I was the manipulative one or somehow mucking things up… I just… felt like I needed to leave… I checked into a hotel under an alias and left the area and only texted him twice—the first to say I went on a mini weekend getaway and the second to say I was taking an extended time away. I flew to my mom’s and have been no contact directly with him since. Every time he speaks to my family (who reached out to settle a few things on my behalf), he tries to say I was just so mentally unwell and that I’ve stuck him with *soooo many bills.* For reference: my family and I pay the entire rent still, I paid off any bills that are in my name that we were handling jointly, and have been working on getting my phone and car insurance separate from his. The only new thing he has been responsible for is buying his own food—otherwise, his expenses have gone down. He has been telling others that this is why he’s “had to work so many more hours” (again for reference: he was working 30 hours and I was working 50-55 hours a week).
He also has been moving his guy friends all into the apartment and they stay there for weeks at a time despite that being against the lease.

I guess… I just… am I being stupid? Did I muck up something I shouldn’t have?