How do I let him know I'm upset without making it a big deal?

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'm in a new relationship and clueless about stuff like this. The guy I'm dating is a really great guy but I'm mad at him right now and he has no idea. I want to tell him why I'm mad but I want to make sure we are talking about it and not fighting about it. It's too early for all of that!

We've been friends for a year and started dating three weeks ago. He told me how much he cares about me (and he really put himself on the line, telling me exactly how much he cares) but wanted to take things slow. His last relationship was a disaster.

Since that time he has had some drama in his life with some coworkers/friends. He is trying to be good friend and let someone move in with him (guy friend that just broke up with a crazy stalker girfriend) but this guy friend is taking up ALL of his time and now it's been a week since he's even called me. I'm trying to be understanding and know he really wants to be there for his friend but I'm wondering.. where does that leave me? A simple phone call would help me to know he hasn't changed his mind..

Anyway, I know he really cares about me but not calling me seems like a red flag. I want to talk to him about this but I don't know how.

Updates

+1 y

Update: He called.. well sent a text message. He went on vacation with his friend without telling me. He apologized and said it was only a short vacation and he would be back this Sunday. Told me he really missed me and would explain everything when he gets back. I think I'm going to listen, hear him out but also tell him not to do this to me again.

[GuyAdviceFromGuy]

OKAY,

I'm going to give you some insight on how this all works.

Women, we all know, have a tendency to give off "heat vibes" when they are angry at their guy. The guy, sensing the anonymity, will be clueless on what he did wrong, or what happened that made you mad. The biggest mistake women make here, is to ASSUME he knows what you are thinking and can READ your mind. By assuming, the problem gets WORSE because women tend to feel that the guy should know what he did wrong and then rectify it. Since he doesn't know and thus, can't rectify it, women get progressively more angry for the fact that not only did the guy not identity the issue but goes about as if nothing is wrong. You are frustrated with him, and feeling too embarrassed in letting him know that you feel neglected, you're assuming he notices...because it's embarrassing to fight for attention from his guy friend, and thus, you wish he could know how you feel because most likely you are giving him SIGNS that says you are angry. I'll tell you what's wrong with all that.

Guys think differently than women as they use their emotions LESS when formulating a decision. From his eyes, if your best girl friend was living with you because of a psycho ex boyfriend, MOST LIKELY, your guy wouldn't make a big deal. And he would actually feel good because now he has time to hang out with his buddies or play sports. Thus, he is thinking that you shouldn't mind either. Not talking about your feelings in regards to this and giving him SIGNS that you're angry will not let him see WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD, but will make the problem worse because he'll think your going through a MOOD SWING instead. My advice:

-CALL HIM AND tell him that you feel very bad for his buddy. Be concerned for his buddy. But, tell your boyfriend that you really miss him and how you want to plan some sexy stuff between you two, tell him that not calling you for a week is really concerning you, and that you're MORE concerned about him THAN it CONCERNING you. YOU want to seem sympathetic, and you don't want to come off as desperate, so turn it around and make it look like its something HE should be concerned about, he will reanalyze and realize that him and his guy friend have become butt buddies instead of..two bros dealing with one bro's psycho girlfriend with bipolar disorder which is what they will think if you decide to argue with him about it.

-Go on a double date with your boyfriend and his guy friend and some girl you find for him out of "concern for him." This girl should be like a single hot girl that's your friend, or co worker, who you wouldn't mind playing match maker for. The key here is to plan something fun between you, your boyfriend, and his friend AS IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE BUDDIES. Your concern for the relationship SHOULD BE DISGUISED, and the outing should be done to bring spark into your relationship so the guy can see how much of a third wheel he is.

Hope this helps.

[toulouse]

Some people refuse to talk about problems or get ANGRY if anyone else tried to discuss it. THAT is why people keep silent on things, when they would rather discuss issues. NOT because they want to be passive aggressive. She is writing about how to talk to him-not about how to hold a grudge. You had no reason to invoke stereotypes to give advice. You could just deal with what she is dealing with and recognize however emotional or stoic she deals- she is an individual not all 'Women.

[GuyAdviceFromGuy]

It has nothing to do with me busting out stereotypes. I'm simply giving her a guy's perspective as if this was my scenario. I'm telling her all the thoughts that would be going through my head if I had this situation in my life. I'm not calling her passive aggressive. Clearly she isn't passive aggressive. I'm just giving my thoughts on how she can deal with this issue without having it escalate into a fight.

[royboy]

I consider myself a very affectionate person and I know how you feel I have been in a similar situation. To go even several days without talking to the person he loves is uncalled for let a lone a week.

My advice is to call him to dinner. Explain the situation to him. Tell him you are feeling left out and it really bothers you that you haven't heard from him in so long. Explain that this already happening is a serious concern because if it is happening now so early in the relationship than what will happen in several months time.

The simple fact is that the two of them are living together so it's not like they won't see each other for awhile. If he cannot take 5 minutes out of his time with his buddie to call you than he may not be worth the effort. But before you get to that point you need to talk to him and go from there.

[brunette1cookie]

Just as he told you how he cared about you, tell him how this makes you feel. Pick a time when you have your emotions in check, however. Just talk out the problem, perhaps saying that while you understand that his friend needs him, you would like to spend time with your boyfriend (best term that came to mind) as well. If he doesn't seem to understand, reverse the situation. While staying calm, ask him how he'd feel if a friend of yours that was in need moved in with you and he hadn't heard anything from you in a week. Best of luck to you...

[Ds6754]

Just telL him you are upset, but don't yell at him or act like you are accusing him of something. Just calmly tell him that you are upset or mad, then talk about it.

If he gets defensive tell him you aren't trying to tell him he's doing something bad. Just tell him you'd be happy if he would let you know what's going on.

Also he has already told you he cares about you and now you're questioning that. Trust him and don't be insecure about this, when people have a lot on their plate it's hard sometimes to get around to certain things or do certain things.

[Asker]

I did call yesterday and left a message saying, "I'm calling to see how things are going, hope you're having a good week. Talk to you soon." He didn't call me back. I just sent him a text message this morning, "Good morning! Haven't heard from you and I'm hoping everything is okay? I hope so! Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. Have a good day!" I have a hard time believing he is blowing me off intentionally but I will just wait for him to call at this point and then we will talk.

[MarioVaz]

You have his number too, right? If he hasn't called in a while, you could always make the first call and let him know that you were worried if all was OK with him as you'll haven't spoken of late. Once you get into the conversation, you could let him know that leaving you completely out of things is not OK with you. Cheers.