Long term girlfriend broke up with me, help?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend of the past 4 years has broke up with me.. For the past 8months or so I have been depressed (for good reason) and have barely shown her the love and affection that she deserved. I didn’t really look forward to the future because the depressed thoughts just clouded my excitement for life. We broke up for a couple days a few months back but, swore we would change how we dealt with things so we got back together and tried working on them. At the start we did pretty well but with time things didn't change and went back to how it was and she decided to break up without a head ups so I was oblivious to the thoughts she was dealing with.

I’m an avoider when it comes to dealing with my problems so when things were wrong I wouldn’t really say much and I would go silent for a day or two. The silent treatment. I know I have my issues to work on and I’m willing to work on them because our relationship has been great and I do love her but I don’t think she wants it anymore. We met up once to talk things over but with what she was saying she didn’t really seem keen to give it another chance and I told her in that case I won’t be able to talk to her anymore and once she leaves (that day), that I won’t be texting with her anymore. No contact. She was crying and in general I was hopeful that she would go home and have a think about the relationship and maybe change her mind but this hasn’t been the case. A week on and she hasn’t reached out.

i do miss her and it gets really tough some days as I would want to work on the relationship together, so this has been tearing me apart.

have I done the right thing going no contact? Or should I have kept on talking to her and trying to be friends for a while and hoped that she would want the relationship back?

id appreciate some motivation and opinions from the outside world. While our relationship wasn’t perfect it was good. I should have been treating her better rather than acting distant but we all make mistakes

[sawno]

Can feel your pain on this one having lost the love of my life due to both a burnout and the lockdowns preventing us to be together in person more often.

I also tried to do everything I could to save it the best I can, but that doesn't appear to be a working route (Hasn't worked for me, and hasn't worked for you). Not when the root cause can't be solved in the short term. Instead, we also went our separate ways much like in your situation and that means that for us both there only one good short term thing to do.

Heal. I know that the whole breakup might make that feel impossible but you owe it to yourself to keep trying. Because if she left you because the depression made it unbearable for her the only way you could ever have a chance is if you manage to cure your depression.

Likewise I am doing everything I can to heal my own body, because I know the only chance I have at a good relationship is when my health has room for one. No matter if I can get her back at some point, or if its meant to be someone new. Health will have to come first, so that should be the focus for both of us. Relationships can come after.

So yes, give it space, heal and then once healed reach out to her if you still want her.

[Asker]

I decided to distance myself from her near enough instantly because I know that being needy isn’t attractive and if anything would push her further away. I still get constant thoughts of messaging her but I know I can’t because it won’t achieve anything. If she truly loved me she wouldn’t of ended it or at least would of tried to fix things. She’s a very attractive girl aswell so it makes it a lot harder to move on especially since I still find her attractive after 4 years! The depression has in a way faded since the breakup because I know I have to pick myself up as she won’t.
How long were you together and how long has it been since you two split up?

[sawno]

In my case we effectively dated/were together for 2 years and the breakup happened early August.

[Asker]

How long did it take you before you went to no contact?

[virginloserguy]

I see this happen all the time. They say, "it will be better this," but you have already disrupted, and you cannot really come back from that. They try a second time, but the passion is not the same, and the honeymoon period is over. You or her were just being agreeable the whole and never showed each other your true selves, and now all you can see is the incompatibilities. You were just free-floating emotion and ignored the incompatibility before, but now you see things more clearly.

Do not beat yourself up. "The love and attention she deserved..." That is nonsense; what about you? She did not care about your depression. It was you or her just sitting, nodding your head, saying, "yeah, me too..." When you did not like it.

Look on the bright side; you now know to be more honest with someone or avoid people like her. I am sorry about her taking such a passive stance.

[jennifer_bloom]

My advice to you is that if you are healthy in mind and body you can replace anybody who leaves you. You might have an emotional attachment to her but attachments can be released and reborn with new people, so it does not make sense to hang on to somebody just because they got to your heart first.

[Bethany22]

Usually no contact makes the heart grow fonder. If she hasn't tried reaching out to you during your no contact, then the chemistry has probably died

[Asker]

Do you think a week is a long enough time to really miss someone?

[Bethany22]

If you said that you won't be texting her anymore, the reason why a week has gone by is that she thinks the relationship is over. Yes, a week is a long time. Any longer and trust issues will form in her, so you should probably reach out again and apologies for those previous silent treatment strategies and reassure her that you'll work on that

[exitseven]

Get your depression under control. Things will always suck for you until you gat that done.

[Anonymous]

maybe because you didn't put a ring on it.

[Asker]

Well we were engaged but I just said girlfriend on the post because it doesn’t really make much of a difference