Found out my wife trashed my previous relationship?

[Anonymous]

OK so before I met my current partner I was in a weird relationship where it was on and off because she had some problems and we kind of started while she was still dating someone else. In any case it was one of the best connections I had ever had with anybody and the sex was so amazing and it was mutual.

The when we were on a break I met my now wife. But we didn't date for a long time, just kind of hang out and hooked up a couple of times, it was actually quite a long time before we really got together.

Anyway I was still trying to patch things together with my ex and it looked like it could finally work but then it didn't for some reason and after almost 8 years I found out that my now wife had gotten in touch with her and told her to back off.

Now I haven't see my ex for the same amount of time and I love my wife, although the relationship is completely different in so many way and a lot more stable.

But I keep running into my ex (at a distance, haven't talked to her), especially after I found out what my wife did and I keep wondering what would have happened with my ex. It really was completely different and more intense than literally any other relationship that I had ever had.

My wife of course doesn't know that I know what she did and I'm not exactly sure if I should even tell her that I know, since I don't want to get into a huge fight about something that happened years ago and nobody can undo. I think that I don't resent her.

On one hand I wouldn't change a thing even though my wife and I have had our share of problems (like any relationship) but on the other hand I keep asking myself what could have happened if the relationship with my ex could have had a chance to grow.

From what I can tell my ex is still single and can't hold a relationship for more than a couple of months. Probably not a good sign.

What do I do?
Get in touch with my ex or confront my wife or both or nothing.

[BubblyPenguin23]

DON'T CONTACT YOUR EX AT ALL.
Your wife probably knew back then that the ex girlfriend wasn't good for you and the relationship was toxic. She clearly had feelings and thought she could give you a better relationship than you had with your ex. Obviously she was correct.
Your ex seems to have a lot of issues regarding relationships which is why she cannot maintain one. I would confront your wife in the most gentle way possible and ask her for the truth just so you can understand from her point of view. Maybe she knows things you never knew.
If you love your wife, don't ever contact that ex again.

[Asker]

Thank you. I completely agree and I wasn't planning on getting in touch with my ex. I'm not exactly sure if I want to poke at a hornets nest by asking my wife about it, since I'm not sure it would actually do any good.
While our relationship is not perfect in a lot of aspects it's way better that the one with my ex. But at the same time the relationship with my ex was unique in a few ways from any other relationship that I have had. The passion and depth of emotions that we shared was so deep that it's almost indescribable. I've never had that before and again, not even with my wife and there are moments when I miss exactly that.
Of course I know that is only one small part of what our relationship is so it's worth risking the relationship for.

[JosyJosy]

I didn't think she trashed it. She doesn't want an ex being involved. I would have told his ex to back off too if she was still trying something.

[Asker]

Oh sure. I understand, but at the same time I don't think it's right. You see we weren't dating at the time, but started let's say a year later. And you're right "trashed" is a bit of a harsh word, but still illustrates the point.
I'm not angry at her and I don't resent her because I'm not that kind of person.
But one side of me keeps asking the question what would have happened and in reality probably nothing.

[JosyJosy]

I think the best way would have been for you to have closure with your ex instead of her doing it for you, but let's be real, we should have closure before starting another relationship cause else things like this can happen.

[HavicZero]

Do you not realize that you will pay a heavy price for this? Someone that you wronged could show up years later and plant a tomahawk in your head? Kill your family? I mean, you seem to think its okay for you to do horrible things - how about realizing that we can return the favor, you nazi fucking trump loving shit head faggot?

Chelating asswipe you are going to die.

[Guy13]

Stay away from your Ex as that will do nothing but destroy any respect that your wife may have for herself, you, and/or the relationship as a whole.

[Asker]

Oh I'm not leaving my wife. Don't worry.
Just doing thinking about life.

[Guy13]

Alright, got ya. Always good to think through it and get mind right. You're smarter than most these days...

[Guy13]

I assume you have fully isolated your Ex. No social media or allowed on the side contact that furthers the connection and bonding stuff. If not, it sounds like you think that you can juggle both and stay married. That's risky as hell if this is actually the case. I'm afraid guilt and shame... I wear it so I could never get away with it.

[Asker]

I haven't seen my ex in 6 years except three times, twice we passed each other she was walking and I drove passed, didn't stop or anything. And once at an event where I somehow recognized her and herd her voice from a couple of hundred people and managed to tangent off in a way where I didn't have to run into her. That's it, all I know is the limited info from a random friend in common or what I see if I happen to accidentally see something on someone eases social media.
I won't lie that I don't then thy to see how she's doing but that's it.
After all she was a major part of my life for a couple of years and even though I'm passed it, I still remember and think about stuff sometimes.

[Guy13]

The friend that mentioned it ought to know better and not too sure is a true friend, tbh.

[ShiftingMonke]

Nothing. Do nothing. Just avoid your ex and focus on your marriage. Your wife is who you love, she is who you built your life with. That is where your focus should be, not conjecture about an ex.

[Asker]

I agree and that's what I've been doing.

[ShiftingMonke]

That's a lie and we both know it.

'From what I can tell my ex is still single and can't hold a relationship for more than a couple of months. Probably not a good sign.'

The fact that you not only have access to your ex's dating history in any context means you've been giving her too much attention. That you can even offer her enough thought to formulate an opinion on her dating history is too much.

You're asking random people what you should do, and you offer up getting in touch with your ex, as if that will make your life better in any way shape or form; brother, let me tell you, it won't. Your ex is radioactive, and you cannot put enough distance between herself and you. Are you on her social media? Don't be, block her. Got friends reporting her updates? Block them too. For all intents and purposes, your ex is a wanted terrorist pedophile who's wanted by the FBI, the ATF, the MOSSAD, and Chuck Norris; you don't want this heat on you. Avoid her in every way possible. She's got Covid, Leprosy, the Black Plague, and pink eye. There is nothing to be gained here.

Focus on your life and your wife.

[boggboss]

U live your life and do nothing are u really willing to destroy what u have a on a what if when your relationship with this person was shit anyway

[Asker]

Don't get me wrong. I'm not willing to destroy anything and you're right it would have probably never worked out anyway because of so many underlying problems with my ex anyway.
Just asking a what if question to ease my mind.

[boggboss]

What if questions lead to overthinking not to a clearing of mind

[Asker]

True and I agree. This is usually the case. If there's no new information or at least no new definite information it usually sends you down a feedback loop of what ifs, which is kind of pointless.
Still it does happen sometimes. Usually when there's something new to think about and you start thinking about the past also.

[Anonymous]

Let by gones be by gones brother

[Asker]

Completely agree! :)