After being discarded for the second time, should I expect a narcissist to return again?

[Anonymous]

We have been together for 3 years. He broke up with me once, last October. In December he wanted me back and I reconciled with him. Since then, it was mostly peaceful, no major issues. 2 weeks ago, all of a sudden he picked a ridiculous argument, told me to go home and hasn’t contacted me since. I texted him once, he left me on delivered so I deleted it after a few hours.

[Oliverlogan263]

Uhhh yikes that sounds like a real tough situation... relationships can be tough sometimes ya know? I know it can be really hard when someone you care about dumps you out of nowhere like that. Makes ya question yourself and wonder if you did something wrong even tho it's not really your fault.

When it comes to if he'll come back, it's hard to say for sure. These kinds of guys sometimes like to mess with your head and come and go as they please. Part of me thinks maybe he will try to come back eventually just to mess with you again like before. But you really don't deserve to be treated like that!

If it was me, I'd try to move on and not waste any more time waiting around for him. Easier said than done, I know. But you should be with someone who appreciates you and won't dump you for no good reason. Hopefully he'll grow up eventually but for now don't let him string you along anymore. You seem like a nice girl, you'll find someone better!

[Skinhead-1979]

Why do you want to stay with a Narcissist?

(Yeah, I know, love is a powerful thing... been there, done that with a Narcissist)

It will never get better; sure, you can live with one... but you'll have to be pretty sure that you are resilient enough to deal with all the Narcissistic abuse. You may have been able to cope in the beginning, but it will become more and more difficult over time.

[luvstoned4him]

@skinhead-1979 yes even as friends, I try to maintain strong boundaries because they get very abusive

[Skinhead-1979]

@luvstoned4him That's one of many sad things about my ex. She has had long lasting friendships... always 1 person she 'clung on to for dear life'; but eventually they all walked away from her.

I've heard only 1 side of the stories of course... but because there seems to be a pattern, and I do think it plausible my ex might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it makes me seriously wonder why those friends walked away.

The odd thing is that even though she has emotionally abused me, and I never want to have anything to do with her... I still care; probably because she is the mother of my children.

[luvstoned4him]

@skinhead-1979 because those friends either picked up quickly on her behaviour or she abused them as well. I understand how you are feeling. If I never experienced NPD Abuse myself then I wouldve felt sorry for them. Its kinda sad because NPD usually happens to the person as a child and is usually due to both or one parent. They never really experience pure and conditional love from the parent. They learnt how to manipulate and abuse to get what they want from people because thats what their parents did to them to keep them in line and so the vicious cycle continues when they get into relationships or start their own families.

[Skinhead-1979]

@luvstoned4him Indeed... I know my ex has struggled a lot in life. I don't know a lot about her mother (she had passed away 1 month before the ex and I had met), but people say she was a lovely woman. She did struggle a lot, also medically, and due to that she spoiled her daughter rotten. So that's where the very selfish, spoiled part of my ex comes from. She's done the same to her daughter, but due to my parenting the girl outgrew her selfish and spoiled nature and she's a lovely, caring girl now at the age of 16.

Her father is a very angry, intimidating, controlling man. I am sure something has gone horribly wrong between her father and mother and they split when the ex was 6. The father was not allowed to come to the mother's house after the divorce and the ex broke off contact with her dad. She went looking for him +/- 17 years later when she needed someone (When she felt her partner wasn't enough, and she hadn't decided on me yet)

It feels like the ex is re-enacting her mother and father in the relationships she has been in... but something is off; she was young of course when everything between her parents happened, so it seems that due to that she is re-enacting some 'corrupted' version of what happened during her childhood between her father and mother.

It is all really sad what has happened to the ex when she was younger... but that doesn't change anything about the fact that she is dangerous to be around. I call her a Black Widow; of course she didn't try to kill me herself, but she has sapped my will to live away over a period of 11 and left me to die at the end of it (Suicide... the ex didn't call the paramedics, my daughter had to beg her)

[luvstoned4him]

@skinhead-1979 yes with Narcissism, there is usually some corrupt reenactment going on. Besides, they say most kids pick up their behaviors from the home environment. That's where it all begins. Part of Narcissism is wanting to be spoiled rotten and treated superior to everyone else and so am overjoyed that you was able to nip that in the bud when it comes to your daughter. Teach her to work hard to earn her things and not seek constant validation from others but to find her worth in herself and I think she will be ok. I understand what you mean when you said sapped your life away. That's what its like being in a narcissistic relationship. The constant love bombing then devaluation then discard then take back can really mess with one's head. I suspect that you may have been trauma bonded as well. I'm glad that you lived though. You have a purpose in this life that's for sure.

[Skinhead-1979]

@luvstoned4him Oh yes, there was certainly trauma bonding involved.

The kids need to wake up and liberate themselves from her. I don't want them to turn against her, I have always been very clear in that when I told them everything which had happen. I've been very clear I do not want them to choose sides, but that I feel they need to know what has happened so they understand why I was the way I was. They have seen me at my worst due to the abuse... and the ex has groomed them, she has shaped their opinion about me and she has ensured they chose her over me.

Maybe they do realise it all, but simply do not dare to 'challenge' and question her out of fear what she might do. While I am sure that her threats of suicide were not genuine and just to get something done from me... I do think she is capable of suicide.

(there's a pattern there too; she has used the threat of suicide on my predecessor, she even told him in the same location as where she told me a couple of times: The kitchen)

My daughter knows she is being emotionally manipulated. She once said to me "I hate it when mommy comes to me sad and crying, and starts asking questions; because I can't keep my mouth shut then".

[Skinhead-1979]

@luvstoned4him I've never lied to the ex during the relationship; I lied once or twice after that (told her I couldn't remember she had tried to phone me up in the hospital.. I do remember that 1)... but there were a few things of which I felt it was best if she didn't know. I had lost my job right before a Covid-19 lockdown, I was too embarrassed to tell her; and I had brought my daughter into contact with her biological father and grandmother. Of course some day I had to tell the ex, but it had to be the right moment with all the 'pieces in place' for a first meeting between my daughter and her biological father. The ex emotionally manipulated my daughter, the daughter told what was going on, and I got completely side-tracked by the ex. I was not there when my daughter met her biological father the first time... I was hurt and fuming. I really wanted to see that, the moment they first meet.
I am sure the ex had been manipulating the kids again which led to the ex saying I could no longer have the kids over, she said she had contacted child protection services (I think she lied there) too. Because she, again, sent the 'Authorities' after me (She has sent the police after me a number of times too) and only allowed contact through Facebook which would be monitored and censored by her, I broke off contact with my kids to save myself. The kids had told me at some point too that their mother expects them to lie to me.

[luvstoned4him]

@Skinhead-1979 at least your daughter is becoming aware. Thats how narcissist get what they want. They are infact very skilled manipulators and this wouldve started in childhood. They study people very well and try dirty tricks and when one works they continue to do that to everyone. Oh dont worry about suicide, narcs aren't that dumb. She won't kill herself

[luvstoned4him]

@Skinhead-1979 yea narcs lie a lot. I thought she was your biological daughter but I would be mad too. I have a narc cousin who keeps his children away from me but only send them during their birthdays or Christmas to see if they can get money from us. Its disgusting.

[Anonymous]

The question is will you accept that narcissist back into your life after being discarded twice now. There is truly, truly no way for us to tell you if your ex will come back just by adding the word narcissist. Maybe he will maybe he won’t, but we aren’t psychics and can never tell you with factuality. That’s why it matters most how you’re going to handle it when or if the time comes.

[Asker]

I never said I will. Was curious for the answers people that might have been in my shoes would give 🤷🏻‍♀️

[luvstoned4him]

Pls block and ignore

This becomes difficult if you have kids or share the same family or friend group.

I did I went hard core with no contact and my ex eventually give up, moved on and married another poor sap

Then another came in my life as a friend and I'm weening that one off as we speak

He only hovers like once a year but am remaining firm

[luvstoned4him]

@Asker thanks for mho

[DishLady]

"Discarded" like a used napkin? Girl, where's your backbone? Don't let people use you this way. Whether he plans to return or not doesn't mean you should allow him into your life. Shut him out and move on.

[Asker]

Never said I will this time. Was just asking what the chances are, from others that might have been in my shoes, their perspective.

[oppai1]

Hm maybe he will try to come back but you should not let him. It can be hard but it's best to move on if you know he has issues like that and won't treat you well.

[rosemilk]

let him go. never go back to someone after breaking up with them in the first place