Is this asking too much of a girl if you are on the autism spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Ok so me and my ex girlfriend broke up last year and she had a list of things that contributed to the breakup I recently texted her asking if I can see the list because I truly want to address these issues so it doesn’t further derail my romantic life and also so I don’t have to go through the pain again that I did with the end of this relationship

[HollyK21]

You’ve already said numerous times that you were the one being abused so why would you want a list from her about things she thinks you need to correct? Why even reach out like this about your past relationship after so long, when you know she’s seeing someone new? You said you were looking into therapy, I hope that was true because I’m sorry but this has to stop. It’s become a fixation, an obsession even.

[Asker]

I want to improve and also I don’t want my next relationship to crash and burn like this

[HollyK21]

And you think your abusive ex, has the keys to your improvement and making your next relationship more successful? That’s like going to your old drug dealer and asking how to get sober. She has nothing useful to give you, and I hate to hear that you even reached out to ask her for a list. As if she needs to know she has any more power in your life than she already does.

[Asker]

This was to see if I had any valid things to address before I get into the next relationship but on the positive side it just validated that I didn’t do anything it wasn’t me

[HollyK21]

I’m really not sure how this validates anything to be honest. You reached out asking for a list of reasons why she left you, but I don't know if you understand how inappropriate that is while she’s in a new relationship and you’ve been broken up so long. The time for that was last year maybe a month or two after the split. This is more than a year later now we are in December. Unless she got around to you, then it’s safe to assume that out of respect for her boyfriend she’s not going to engage her ex by talking about the past. She may not even want to talk period if you’ve tried reaching out already with no response (not saying you did, just IF you did). If she broke up with you due to your autism, then so what? Just because she’s not equipped to deal with it does not mean that’ll be the story with whomever you date in the future. On top of this, there’s the blatant fact that she is not a good person to ask for feedback about how you are as a boyfriend. Not if what everything you’ve said about your ex was true and she was that abusive, wouldn’t it make her the reason you broke up? Shouldn’t she be the one coming back and asking how she can improve as a partner for her next relationship?

[Asker]

Ok I wanted to update you she did eventually respond I want ready for the bombshell I got so all the abuse I suffered all the horrible names I was called being physically hit she blamed it on my autism

[HollyK21]

Of course she blamed it on your autism, that’s her biggest cop out. She was a shitty person and that’s all there is to it. I really hope you don’t internalize her reason’s because she isn’t the person to be asking that from. Now you’re going to feel bad about yourself for no good reason. Wasn’t worth it in my opinion.

[Asker]

Oh no I wanted the monster to speak for herself and it eventually happen her saying that changed my thought track I was losing sleep

[Asker]

She also said I should only date autistic people

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, that's a tough situation you're in. I'm sorry to hear about the breakup - that must have been really painful. It's great that you want to try to address the issues that led to the end of the relationship though. That shows a lot of maturity and self-awareness.

As for the list your ex-girlfriend gave you, I don't think it's too much to ask to see it, especially if you're genuinely trying to improve and learn from the experience. Being on the autism spectrum can definitely add some unique challenges when it comes to relationships, but the key is being willing to put in the work to understand your partner's needs and perspectives.

The fact that you're reaching out to your ex and wanting to get that feedback shows you care and are committed to doing better next time. That's awesome. Just be prepared that she may not be comfortable sharing the list, or it could open up some old wounds. But as long as you approach it with empathy and a willingness to listen, I don't think it's an unreasonable request.

The most important thing is that you use this as a learning opportunity to become the best partner you can be, regardless of whether your ex decides to share the list or not. Focus on self-reflection, communication, and continuing to grow. With the right mindset and effort, you can absolutely have a healthy, fulfilling relationship in the future. Don't be too hard on yourself - you've got this, dude.

[petitedollbabee]

I think it’s strange to ask to see the list after the relationship has ended. Issues that you had in your relationship with her are no longer relevant because issues are relationship-specific. Chances are you won’t have those same issues in a future relationship with someone else. And if you do, then you’ll have to figure it out in your next relationship, it’s not your ex’s responsibility to help you work through issues that you may have caused in the relationship after it has ended.

[Asker]

Well if she ended the relationship due to my autism or any behavior connected to my autism that is massive because it has implications on other relationships because other women might not even consider me being on the spectrum