Why would a wife tolerate an 8-year affair while sabotaging it?

She hates the mistress, threatens her and never confronts her own husband. Her college kids same thing. Does everything she can to break up the affair by manipulation. So basically allowing and enabling the affair. Like giving him an OK but at the same time doing things to disrupt it? 8 years.

Dont bother asking oh are you the mistrss. Oh jes a pos, and y'all should die kinda stuff

HollyK21

InfluencerMaster Age: 34

780 opinions shared on Break Up & Divorce topic.

You’re blaming the wife for quote on quote “enabling and allowing this”, but you are totally blind to the fact that you’re doing the exact same thing. After 8 years, this is no longer some kind of temporary drama — it’s a lifestyle choice for everyone involved. You ask why the wife tolerates this, but the real question is — why have you tolerated it for nearly a decade?

The wife likely stays because she wants things to stay intact: her home, financial security, and her family. She probably attacks you because you’re the safe target, and confronting her husband means risking a divorce she doesn’t want. But let’s look at your “boyfriend” for once, he’s stayed for all these years with a woman who threatens you, allegedly sabotages his happiness, and drags his family through the mud (likely shit talking about them). He hasn’t left because he doesn’t want to. This is a toxic setup that only benefits him, because he gets the comfort and history of family life, while having you for fun on the side.

The wife’s “manipulation” isn’t what keeps you in this role as a secondary woman, his choice to stay with her is. You are wasting years of your life waiting for a man who’s perfectly content sharing himself between the wife he won’t leave and a mistress he won’t protect. If he wanted to leave her and build a life with you, he would have in the first few years. Now it’s just a mess.

Asker

10 h
He was going to leave her. Then covid hit and destroyed him financially. He has several hospitality businesses. Then a business partner screwed him over, putting him into deep deep debt. She hadn't worked in 25 years and definitely doesn't want to work so he begs me to stay. He doesn't want to be a pauper. Why haven't his daughters confronted him? He is paying their college now too which was completely unexpected. They originally wanted to stay home. Along with apartments he is over extended. Now he's giving me a few grand to help with my bills too.
Soooo not sure whats going on.
I told him I told her and he says its impossible lol. Thats 110% does not know he's cheating.

Reply
HollyK21

9 h
Okay, this might be lengthy and I’m not trying to be offensive whatsoever, this is just genuine advice, stranger to stranger. This also may be two comments. After reading this, what I mainly wanna say is just to look at the math of what you’re saying, and it’s quick math.

He claims he is too "financially destroyed" by COVID and a bad business partner to get a divorce, yet he somehow has the money to:
1: Fund a wife who hasn't worked in 25 years. 2: Fully pay for multiple unexpected college tuition bills. 3: Rent separate apartments for his daughters who "originally wanted to stay home." 4: Pay "a few grand" to help with your bills.

To me, man who is in "deep deep debt" and on the verge of being a pauper can’t afford to fund 3 separate households. He isn't trapped by poverty, he’s funding a very expensive, comfortable life for his family while throwing you a few grand to keep you quiet and compliant. You ask why his adult daughters haven’t confronted him, but why would they? He’s funding their entire lives, paying for their apartments, and keeping their mom supported. They have zero incentive to rock the boat. They aren't confronting him because they are benefiting from the exact same “status quo” that I’d say is draining your youth.

I’m going to make a second comment about his wife.

Reply
HollyK21

9 h
As for the wife "110% not knowing" — you said in your original post that she sabotages the affair, hates you, manipulates the situation, and threatens you. To me, that implies that she knows. She just refuses to confront him because she doesn't want to lose her financial help, and he lies to you about her "not knowing" so he can pretend the situation is under control.

He is "begging you to stay" because you are the only one in this equation making sacrifices. His wife gets his name and income. His daughters get his money and apartments. What do you get after 8 years? A few grand and a front-row seat to his family's bills. He doesn't want to be a pauper, but he is perfectly fine with you being emotionally bankrupt. Wake up, babe. He’s playing you.

Reply
Asker

8 h
Ok this one. Its All on credit and loans. All of it. he's over extended due to guilt and embarrassment of his financial situation. ( He was like a newly rich person from 25von. Lots of flash. He borrowed 100k at 9% interest just so he could buy a house. Then takes a 650k loan. Now he's choking and is trying to downsize that house. He is giving me 40k from a business he is selling to pay off debt. See where im getting at, he uses material things as a crutch.

Reply
Asker

7 h
I think the wife and daughters are playing and manipulating him. Not caring he's in severe debt.
He is terrified of losing half of whatever businesses he has left. And im confused where I stand as he tells me im the one that has his heart

Reply
HollyK21

7 h
Since I know that sometimes text can relay differently than how I’m actually trying to say it, plus we don’t know each other, please imagine me saying these things with a soft voice and kind tone lol. This may also be two parts, but I just want to be very transparent with you from an outside perspective and sometimes that’s hard. But here we go.

First and foremost, read what you just wrote. You’re describing a man who is a financial train wreck, basically a chronic liar, and a flash-in-the-pan phony who builds his entire identity on debt, credit, and manipulation. He borrows money he doesn't have to maintain an illusion of wealth, and you are treating him like a tragic victim, babe.

Let's look at the cold, hard facts of your situation:
1: He is giving you $40k from a business sale, but he is keeping the rest of his businesses, his marital home, and his lifestyle. That money isn't a down payment on a future with you, in my opinion, it is a payout to keep you on the hook while he chokes on his own bad decisions.

2: The wife and daughters aren't "manipulating" him — he is funding them willingly, as he is a grown man. Nobody is forcing him at gunpoint to take out 9% interest loans or buy surprise apartments for his adult kids. He does it because his social status and his image as the "rich provider patriarch" mean more to him than your dignity. He would rather be drowning in debt than let his family know he is failing.

3: “He has your heart," but they have his life. Having his "heart" is cheap. It costs him absolutely nothing to tell you that you are his true love while he goes home to the wife he is actively trying to downsize a house with. If he’s terrified of losing half of his remaining businesses in a divorce, it means he values those failing businesses more than a legitimate life with you.

Reply
HollyK21

7 h
If you’re confused about where you stand, let me help make it crystal clear: You stand exactly where you have stood for the last eight years — in the shadows.

You are the secret hiding space where he gets to escape a crushing reality of his self-made debt. A parenthesis to his real life. He gets to vent to you, cry to you, and act like a victim, and you reward him by staying. You are 8 years into a relationship with a man who is drowning financially, morally, and emotionally. If he loses everything, he will just drag you down into the financial gutter with him. Stop playing the role of his savior. He is using you as an emotional crutch, and when the crutch breaks, he will still be married to his wife.

Reply
HollyK21

7 h
Again, I am genuinely not trying to be harsh. But I’m being straightforward with you just as I would be with my close friends, and sometimes these opinions are hard to hear but need to be said.

Reply
Asker

7 h
Ok. Thank you

Reply
HollyK21

7 h
No problem.

Reply
HollyK21

7 h
One last thing, if you need to talk, please feel free to come back here or ask to message me privately, and I’m so serious. My best friend of 10+ years was in a similar position, which is probably why I try to break this down as I did. You ladies just deserve so, so much better. You don’t deserve to spend these years of your life when you should be settling down and starting a family if that’s what you want, try to deal with this man who is ruining his own life. There’s just so much more, even though it’s hard to see because you are so deep in it. He knows you can do better, and I hope one day you can realize that as well. You don’t have to reply, I have no expectation of that because this is an emotional topic for you I’m sure. I just wanted to let you know that there’s support, and you don’t have to go through this all by yourself. In any case, I wish you all the best💛

Reply

What Girls & Guys Said

Opinion

HollyK21 Follow
InfluencerMaster Age: 34

16 h
780 opinions shared on Break Up & Divorce topic.

You’re blaming the wife for quote on quote “enabling and allowing this”, but you are totally blind to the fact that you’re doing the exact same thing. After 8 years, this is no longer some kind of temporary drama — it’s a lifestyle choice for everyone involved. You ask why the wife tolerates this, but the real question is — why have you tolerated it for nearly a decade?

The wife likely stays because she wants things to stay intact: her home, financial security, and her family. She probably attacks you because you’re the safe target, and confronting her husband means risking a divorce she doesn’t want. But let’s look at your “boyfriend” for once, he’s stayed for all these years with a woman who threatens you, allegedly sabotages his happiness, and drags his family through the mud (likely shit talking about them). He hasn’t left because he doesn’t want to. This is a toxic setup that only benefits him, because he gets the comfort and history of family life, while having you for fun on the side.

The wife’s “manipulation” isn’t what keeps you in this role as a secondary woman, his choice to stay with her is. You are wasting years of your life waiting for a man who’s perfectly content sharing himself between the wife he won’t leave and a mistress he won’t protect. If he wanted to leave her and build a life with you, he would have in the first few years. Now it’s just a mess.

0

11 Reply
- Asker
  
  10 h
  He was going to leave her. Then covid hit and destroyed him financially. He has several hospitality businesses. Then a business partner screwed him over, putting him into deep deep debt. She hadn't worked in 25 years and definitely doesn't want to work so he begs me to stay. He doesn't want to be a pauper. Why haven't his daughters confronted him? He is paying their college now too which was completely unexpected. They originally wanted to stay home. Along with apartments he is over extended. Now he's giving me a few grand to help with my bills too.
  Soooo not sure whats going on.
  I told him I told her and he says its impossible lol. Thats 110% does not know he's cheating.
  
- HollyK21
  
  9 h
  Okay, this might be lengthy and I’m not trying to be offensive whatsoever, this is just genuine advice, stranger to stranger. This also may be two comments. After reading this, what I mainly wanna say is just to look at the math of what you’re saying, and it’s quick math.
  
  He claims he is too "financially destroyed" by COVID and a bad business partner to get a divorce, yet he somehow has the money to:
  1: Fund a wife who hasn't worked in 25 years. 2: Fully pay for multiple unexpected college tuition bills. 3: Rent separate apartments for his daughters who "originally wanted to stay home." 4: Pay "a few grand" to help with your bills.
  
  To me, man who is in "deep deep debt" and on the verge of being a pauper can’t afford to fund 3 separate households. He isn't trapped by poverty, he’s funding a very expensive, comfortable life for his family while throwing you a few grand to keep you quiet and compliant. You ask why his adult daughters haven’t confronted him, but why would they? He’s funding their entire lives, paying for their apartments, and keeping their mom supported. They have zero incentive to rock the boat. They aren't confronting him because they are benefiting from the exact same “status quo” that I’d say is draining your youth.
  
  I’m going to make a second comment about his wife.
  
- HollyK21
  
  9 h
  As for the wife "110% not knowing" — you said in your original post that she sabotages the affair, hates you, manipulates the situation, and threatens you. To me, that implies that she knows. She just refuses to confront him because she doesn't want to lose her financial help, and he lies to you about her "not knowing" so he can pretend the situation is under control.
  
  He is "begging you to stay" because you are the only one in this equation making sacrifices. His wife gets his name and income. His daughters get his money and apartments. What do you get after 8 years? A few grand and a front-row seat to his family's bills. He doesn't want to be a pauper, but he is perfectly fine with you being emotionally bankrupt. Wake up, babe. He’s playing you.
  
- Asker
  
  8 h
  Ok this one. Its All on credit and loans. All of it. he's over extended due to guilt and embarrassment of his financial situation. ( He was like a newly rich person from 25von. Lots of flash. He borrowed 100k at 9% interest just so he could buy a house. Then takes a 650k loan. Now he's choking and is trying to downsize that house. He is giving me 40k from a business he is selling to pay off debt. See where im getting at, he uses material things as a crutch.
  
- Asker
  
  7 h
  I think the wife and daughters are playing and manipulating him. Not caring he's in severe debt.
  He is terrified of losing half of whatever businesses he has left. And im confused where I stand as he tells me im the one that has his heart
  
- HollyK21
  
  7 h
  Since I know that sometimes text can relay differently than how I’m actually trying to say it, plus we don’t know each other, please imagine me saying these things with a soft voice and kind tone lol. This may also be two parts, but I just want to be very transparent with you from an outside perspective and sometimes that’s hard. But here we go.
  
  First and foremost, read what you just wrote. You’re describing a man who is a financial train wreck, basically a chronic liar, and a flash-in-the-pan phony who builds his entire identity on debt, credit, and manipulation. He borrows money he doesn't have to maintain an illusion of wealth, and you are treating him like a tragic victim, babe.
  
  Let's look at the cold, hard facts of your situation:
  1: He is giving you $40k from a business sale, but he is keeping the rest of his businesses, his marital home, and his lifestyle. That money isn't a down payment on a future with you, in my opinion, it is a payout to keep you on the hook while he chokes on his own bad decisions.
  
  2: The wife and daughters aren't "manipulating" him — he is funding them willingly, as he is a grown man. Nobody is forcing him at gunpoint to take out 9% interest loans or buy surprise apartments for his adult kids. He does it because his social status and his image as the "rich provider patriarch" mean more to him than your dignity. He would rather be drowning in debt than let his family know he is failing.
  
  3: “He has your heart," but they have his life. Having his "heart" is cheap. It costs him absolutely nothing to tell you that you are his true love while he goes home to the wife he is actively trying to downsize a house with. If he’s terrified of losing half of his remaining businesses in a divorce, it means he values those failing businesses more than a legitimate life with you.
  
- HollyK21
  
  7 h
  If you’re confused about where you stand, let me help make it crystal clear: You stand exactly where you have stood for the last eight years — in the shadows.
  
  You are the secret hiding space where he gets to escape a crushing reality of his self-made debt. A parenthesis to his real life. He gets to vent to you, cry to you, and act like a victim, and you reward him by staying. You are 8 years into a relationship with a man who is drowning financially, morally, and emotionally. If he loses everything, he will just drag you down into the financial gutter with him. Stop playing the role of his savior. He is using you as an emotional crutch, and when the crutch breaks, he will still be married to his wife.
  
- HollyK21
  
  7 h
  Again, I am genuinely not trying to be harsh. But I’m being straightforward with you just as I would be with my close friends, and sometimes these opinions are hard to hear but need to be said.
  
- Asker
  
  7 h
  Ok. Thank you
  
- HollyK21
  
  7 h
  No problem.
  
- HollyK21
  
  7 h
  One last thing, if you need to talk, please feel free to come back here or ask to message me privately, and I’m so serious. My best friend of 10+ years was in a similar position, which is probably why I try to break this down as I did. You ladies just deserve so, so much better. You don’t deserve to spend these years of your life when you should be settling down and starting a family if that’s what you want, try to deal with this man who is ruining his own life. There’s just so much more, even though it’s hard to see because you are so deep in it. He knows you can do better, and I hope one day you can realize that as well. You don’t have to reply, I have no expectation of that because this is an emotional topic for you I’m sure. I just wanted to let you know that there’s support, and you don’t have to go through this all by yourself. In any case, I wish you all the best💛
  
Anonymous
(25-29)

16 h

Honestly, I think there’s a big difference between tolerating an affair and actually accepting it.

She may not be okay with her husband cheating at all. She might be terrified of losing the marriage, angry at the mistress, embarrassed about what people would think, or simply unwilling to confront the person she is married to. Blaming and fighting the other woman can feel easier than facing the reality of what her husband is choosing to do.

After eight years, though, the situation has become a pattern. If she keeps trying to sabotage the affair without actually dealing with her husband, she is fighting the symptom rather than the person who made the commitment to her.

And involving the children makes it even messier. They may be protecting their mother or following her lead, but they shouldn't have to become part of their parents' relationship problems.

So I wouldn't call it giving him an OK. It sounds more like she desperately wants the affair to end while avoiding the much harder question of what to do about her husband.

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MasterKS Follow
Guru Age: 31

17 h

some fool exist in this earth!

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