Why do I feel so distant from my girlfriend?

[shadowarrior99]

My girlfriend and I have been together over 8 months, and we've been arguing and irritating each other more and more lately. I just feel so distant from her, like things aren't the same anymore between us. I still care about her, but I wish things would go back to normal. I feel like her friends are changing her. It was hard for me to send "i love you" to her in a text, so I just sent, "You too." I found out that she was talking to her ex who lives states away, and I told her to not talk to him anymore. We fought over this, and she reluctantly agreed to not talk to him anymore. there's no reason for her to talk to him anyway, since she has me.

She's been randomly depressed and one time cried that she no longer feels close to me, and that she feels distant too. Are we just going through a rough phase of the relationship, or is something more at work here?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Oh. I also feel like I need to know everything she's doing: I feel like I want to become more controlling, but of course I'm not. I think as her new odd behavior--up and down emotions, happy and depressed, etc--maybe is changing me as a person as well.

Im up in the middle of the night thinking about all of this, and I don't know what to make of any of it.

Updates

+1 y

I felt distant from her because she was cheating on me with her ex, and she was a pathological liar.

Updates

+1 y

I've uploaded my memoir on lying and cheating to Amazon's Kindle. It will be free for another four days (until August 26th), then will cost 99 cents.

The memoir even integrates Girlsaskguys, using questions and answers from this particular relationship, and shows the correct explanation.


link

[Tamikaze]

You are picking up on changes emotionally but then trying to put them into the context of the intellectual.

You need to go with your emotional sensations regarding your relationship. You are feeling distance between you two and she tells you that she feels distant. She is talking to an ex and then reluctantly agreed to stop communication. You two are not connected. When you think about her, it does not sound like you are thinking about love or good thoughts. Sounds like you both are just seeing each other as negatives, like strangers, like the enemy.

As far as what to do, that is a hard one and really has to be about your gut instinct. You could choose from going to counseling together, breaking up, taking a break (with ground rules not to date anyone else during the break), or maybe one of you saying something that could break the ice, something you are afraid to say but that you truly feel.

An example of an ice breaker move was when a friend of mine went off on me and became irrationally accusatory, telling me things that were not based on fact. She knew it and I knew it, so I decided to take a drastic move (for me at least) and tell her I loved her and valued our friendship and I was very hurt by her treatment. This was drastic for me because it was all about being very vulnerable. It did not result in the repair of our friendship, but it did result in me having closure, of really knowing I did all I could to fix our relationship. I was able to walk away feeling okay, instead of bitter or hurt.

So, when something keeps you up in the middle of the night, there is something going on and you need to make a move to figure out what it is or at least decide to move on. Good luck!

[PixieDust]

Means the spark is fading away. It could also mean she's moving on, sorry to say. It takes hard work to make a relationship last. For some girls, the best is to give them space, trust her instead of controlling her (the guy lives far so she's probably not looking for anything more) and she might realize you are the best for her if you push away that way of thinking that she has you so she don't need anyone else. That's controlling and no one likes that. Why is it hard for you to say you love her even in a text? Shows that you are also growing cold so no wonder she felt distant and thus communicate with other people more. It also means you are both not communicating well enough with each other anymore. When a girl feels unstable like that, she's just not happy.

[shadowarrior99]

I realize that spark seems to be fading. She told me she wanted to marry me some day, and she told me she loves me and will do anything to make it work. And yes, I am growing cold; it's hard for me to control. And yes, we aren't communicating well enough. I think if her and I have a good talk, everything should be fine.

[PixieDust]

Yes, talk it out. Don't argue. Just rationalize everything without getting angry. Listen to each others' point of view and find a way to meet in between. You can work things out if you two want it to last.

[T00THpaste4]

Normally I would be like, "PULL OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN! SHE'S GONNA CHEAT ON YOU!" and recommend that you deploy your parachute before this relationship slams into the ground because this sh*t happened to me. BUT you should simply ease up your grip on that noose you're slowly tying around her neck.

My ex-lady-friend was still chattin' it up with her former d*ck from overseas. Because of that, I felt like I had to know everything she was doing too. Girls don't like that. We started to argue a lot about stupid sh*t. She got so mad once, she threw a glass at me down the stairs. I almost caught it... with my face. Even though the sex was good, the relationship was not. Neither one of us would take the time and have the patience to understand each others' point of view. After two years of constant battling and being unable to communicate well, we parted ways. Years later we got back in touch through email... she's still a bitch.

Whatever you do, don't try to know everything she's doing at every moment of the day. That turns into jealousy and anybody with experience knows that jealousy is a relationship killer. Everybody goes through a rough phase in their relationships but not everybody knows how to handle it. You gotta stop being a little bitch by trying so hard to not "feel distant" to her. Give her some space, chill out, and go with the flow. Let her come to you. Even if she doesn't want you anymore, you gotta man up and accept it. You can't force a girl to like you... unless you you tie her up and ball-gag her...

[enigmatta]

This!

[shadowarrior99]

Good advice. She told me to trust her and said she loves only me; so from that, I feel like she isn't going to pull anything on me. Alright, I won't try to know what she's doing, and I'll let her come to me.

[shadowarrior99]

Well yeah she did cheat on me.

[T00THpaste4]

Sorry to hear that bro. It's better this way. And I hate to say it but man, did I call it or what? That's probably one of the few times internet advice has ever been accurate. Come on dude, I'll buy you a beer. :D

[shadowarrior99]

Yeah, you did call it! I've been healing by writing a memoir. And sure, I can legally have a beer in two weeks.

[Anonymous]

I'm going through the same thing with my girl and it's hard to deal with but we sat down and talked things out and now things seem to be improving. It's a slow process but I'm trying to remain hopeful. And by talk things out I mean everything that was ever a problem we hashed out and tried to find a solution for.

I consider this a rough phase and I understand your feelings but if you guys can work out whatever is the root cause of all this, everything else should improve over time

[Anonymous]

Maybe because you live in New York and she lives in Australia ?

[shadowarrior99]

we live 35 min away...

[Anonymous]

Because she can't get your dick hard anymore

[shadowarrior99]

Oh, real mature. You're one of those women who are upset they have to have sex with a small dick and want a bigger dick like mine, aren't you?