What's the problem if I never approach women, and want them to approach me?

Before you start judging me, please read the description.

I'm 28, yet I have never approached a woman or made the first move in my life. I strongly feel that men have been approaching women for too long, and its about time the women took matters into their own hand at least sometimes. Due to the rise in feminism and changes in gender roles, women today can do everything which were once considered 'men's domain'. I'm all for equality, and that includes women approaching men sometimes as well.

I never approach a woman even if I like her. Actually, I never even develop a liking anyone that easily. I'm not whining about it, because I'm fine this way. Women wanted equality in everything, and they have more or less got it. Let there be 'equality' in terms of approaching the opposite gender too. I firmly believe that If women want me, they should approach me. If not, then its their loss and not mine.

Its not about 'ego' or anything. And I'm not one of those jerks who don't have an ounce of respect for women. I know that this approach diminishes my dating options greatly, but I don't mind that at all. I have been in a few relationships, and the girls themselves made the first move in all of them.

I know women don't approach men a lot, but when they do, they're usually keepers (each of my previous relationship were long term, and they all ended due to external factors). That's the reason I'm taking it easy and not going out of my way to 'impress' women or ask them out. I'd rather utilize the time I would have spent in pursuing women, to accomplish some of my lofty career and life goals. I'm not desperate for women anyway.

So tell me, why do people (both men and women) feel that my approach to dating is gonna fail for sure? I mean... in any case, its much better than messing around with tons of women. Besides, I don't want to give women the satisfaction of rejecting me (because women usually reject a dozen guys for every guy they accept).


Most Helpful Girl

  • Hmmm. I see nothing wrong with what you want. It's perfectly acceptable to want the female to approach you. Honestly, if I wasn't so shy, I'd love to be one of those "daring" people who make the first move.
    I only asked one guy out, and he rejected me. It hurt so bad because I'm a socially awkward person, I have anxiety sometimes in crowds and turn really red if someone stares at me, so building up all that courage to get shot down was so disheartening. I have never and probably will never do it again. I don't know how guys and some girls build up courage to approach people. Kudos to them, rejection or the possible chance of rejection is terrible. Which is why I always try to be as nice as possible when rejecting men and women who ask me out.
    Now, while I see nothing wrong with you wanting the woman to approach you, some women do. Me, I described how I'm extremely shy and socially awkward, plus getting rejected the one and only time I tried, I don't think I'd ever be able to do it again. Which sucks for me, because I actually like the geeky, scrawny, nerdy guys, but most of them are too shy usually to approach women. Other women, just prefer the traditional order where the man approaches the woman. Nothing wrong with that either.
    If I wasn't so shy and such a pussy afraid to be rejected, I probably would be one of the courageous people to make the first move.
    Lucky for you there are women who like to make the first move, so I just say good luck and be gentle on who you reject because it's disheartening. Most women who turn down dozens of guys for every guy they accept, do feel bad for the person they're rejecting. I know I do, because rejection sucks. Don't be callous and good luck to you and those women who are daring enough to approach men! :)

    • Thanks for the detailed and well thought out answer.

      You're right, rejection indeed sucks, whether its a job interview, an admission to a university, or in thjis case someone of the opposite gender. But the difference is, in almost all cases, a person getting accepted or rejected in dependent on his/her skills and efforts alone. If its for dating, even if a person has all the 'desirable' qualities, he/she can be rejected. This is what i really hate about approaching.

      Its not that i don't have confidence to approach. Women are too picky. Suppose I approach a woman with complete confidence and I have 100 good traits in me (just saying). But if there is one specific trait she is looking for, and it is different from the 100 I already have, then bam! Rejected. And I don't have telepathic powers to enter her mind and find out what expectations she has from a potential partner. If this happens, my confidence obviously takes a nosedive. I'd rather not give a chance for this to happen.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Well if you are comfortable with it and it doesn't bother you then all means so be it


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 9

  • If today I had to choose between the man who approaches me versus the man who won't, I'd pick the guy who DOES. The man who fails to approach or open up isn't going to attract anything but a desperate stalker or someone who's not balanced in her femininity. Yes, women CAN be warm, receptive and friendly, but if I have to chase a man and he gets lazy and passive on me, I'm NOT doing ALL the work. Honestly, it's a shared duty and that's fair.

    A girl who expects a man to do it 100% of the time, or a guy expecting that, are nothing but lazy spoiled brats who will be left behind.

    • Well... since a majority of the women prefer men to ALWAYS make the first move, I'm just one man who is slightly tilting the scales towards men. Even I can be highly receptive and warm (as I have been to the women who approached me). Besides, women usually reject a dozen guys for every guy she accepts. When women can be picky and expect men to do all the work, why can't men do that? And I'm not at all implying that I expect her to do everything. I'm only talking about the initial approach.

    • it's not wrong for either sex to make the first move, long as it ends well lol

    • Well... I might consider making a move if I'm at least 90% sure of getting a 'yes'. Otherwise, I wouldn't do it. Most women don't know where to draw the line between the behavior of 'liking someone' and 'being super nice'. And if a guy confesses his feelings, then they more often than not bring all his dreams crashing down by saying they don't feel the same, even if they had behaved in such a way with the guy.

  • I agree that it is okay for both men & women to approach each other. I would be okay with approaching a man, I think doing the approaching can help because then you don't have to wait & hope someone comes to you. If you want to increase your odds of finding someone, approaching/making the first move could help. But you can do what you want. Good Luck.

  • So have you ever rejected a woman that approached you? Just curious.

    • Yes I have, but due to valid reasons. One of them was already in a relationship, but she just wanted to 'have fun' with me. I turned her down because I don't encourage cheating and also told her that if she breaks up at some point and approaches me with the intention of a relationship, I'd definitely oblige.

      And then, there was a distant female cousin who wanted to date me, but we have grown together as kids and I considered her as my little sister. Besides, I somehow felt it would be incest. So i politely turned her down.

      If a woman were to approach me, I'd definitely accept her and give it chance even if I initially didn't like her, because I would appreciate her making the first move and going against this stupid, hypocritical society's 'silly' norms.

    • Well the way I see it... Everyone has their own opinions about how they would like a relationship to be or be approached and there are women that feel they would be okay with that approach. So to each his own is my opinion. So good luck in your future relationship... Personally, I have made the first move before in a relationship and it went fine... Basically it had no bearing in why the relationship ended... But then the other way too and it was also fine... I just say go with the flow and if you're feeling it at the time why not...

    • Thanks for your kind words!

  • I think it's stupid. But it's only your loss, the women don't care. They'll just find someone else.

    • Fine, let them find anyone else. No obligation for me or them. If not them, some other women will approach me. Even if no woman approached me in my life (which is highly unlikely), I don't mind. At least I'll have the satisfaction of not being rejected, insulted and humiliated by women.

    • Thats a pussy attitude. Maybe you won't get rejected if you don't approach, but you'll miss out on so much. You have to take chances, maybe you'll get rejected sometimes, and so be it, you just get over it, and move on.

    • I know I may miss out, but I have been a perfectionist with most things in life (like education, jobs etc.) and I would feel personally insulted if I'm rejected by a woman. I'm not willing to take 'no' for an answer. But at the same time, I never feel 'entitled' to women so i won't ever be going the Elliot Rogers way.

      Also, in recent years it seems like women just keep rejecting most guys just to get some kind of pleasure and satisfaction from that. I don't want me to be at the receiving end of this.

  • you're not hurting anyone but yourself.

    • Nope! I'd be hurting myself only if I were desperate for female companionship. But I'm a chilled out guy, and these things don't matter much to me. Women want equality, right? So I'm just treating the genders equally, but in ALL aspects.

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    • @BrunetteNYC
      No, I never have any kind of resentment towards women. i respect women, but I also don't place them on a pedestal. And anger? Not a chance! I hardly, if ever, get angry.

    • Okay, thanks, I understand :)

  • You seem bitter but you don't show it outright because you see things as "that's just how it is." Based on your comments. Goodluck with your philosophy but I predict that you'll regret it later in life

    • Hmmm... so you suppose its 'right' for men to always be expected to make the first move?

      And no, I actually have no reason to be bitter because I have never approached women in my life.

  • I have no problem with letting a man know I want him.

    • Finally, someone who doesn't think I'm 'wrong'! I really appreciate you because you don't follow the old, outdated 17th century tradition which says men should always make the first move.

    • Thanks nice to know I'm appreciated :) I just think if you want someone then you should make it known whether you're a man or woman.

  • The problem is that you're limiting your options. You will exclusively date women who only approach you, so any type of woman (which is many types of women) who grew up with the idea, or believe in the idea, that men should approach first for various reasons, you will not get.

    If that's fine with you though, then whatever. Those are all your personal preferences. The type of women who approach men are very variable as well. It's not about assertiveness or lack thereof, but preference.

    I don't approach men and never approached a man. That doesn't mean I'm meek or dependent. My mother taught me that if a man really liked a woman, he would approach her regardless. So pretty much, we don't approach opposite genders for the same reasons. Lol.

    Now what's funny is that I've never been on a date either. Right now, I am what you could call "failing" at love. And if you're also having nil luck, that must mean that the real winners out there are really the ones approaching as well as being approached. It's all about probability, isn't it?

    • Well... your mom belonged to the previous generation in which feminism wasn't as prevalent as now. Besides, during her time, i don't suppose women used to reject men left and right for no valid reason, insult/humiliate men and make them feel like crap. At the same time women were usually not as 'ahead' as men in terms of education, careers etc. When those things have changes, why do you want to listen to what your mom said ONLY when it is convenient for you? Suppose your mom told you that a woman's role is to stay at home, cook, clean and take care of kids instead of earning and being independent (as was the case earlier), would you still listen to her? Of course not.

      My dad too approahced my mom, and it was the first time for her and second for him. They went on to get married and stayed together for 25 years until dad's death. how often do you see that happening now, with people divorcing left and right? Its not fair if women want to stick to traditions ONLY if it benefits them.

    • i already said it's personal preference. to me, your reasons are no different than a woman telling me that she prefers to be approached for x and y reasons. i am only telling you a consequence of that and am not stating if it is right or wrong, because in the end, it boils down to preference. preference acknowledges people as individuals and not so much a general consensus, thus it cannot make certain the degree to which society or past events have enveloped current thinking patterns. that's actually quite complex and many could argue too variable to be truly valid with possible exceptions to the norm. anyway, think about it.

What Guys Said 6

  • Girls like a confident man, an what they see here is no confidence in your self if you dont initiate things like this. Im not gonna say it will fail or not, but you may pass that one girl that could have been the love of you life and then its just settling for which girl may approach you... so let me ask does this roll over I. Other aspects in life? Are all of you desicions like this?

    • I agree with you. But that 'one' girl who would be the love of my life, is more than likely to reject me anyway. Women almost always reject men who truly have feelings for them.

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    • That's the problem. You care about being called a "pussy". I would never spend time or care those kind of guys.

    • @KindMoriaty
      Now, that's not the point. And I don't really care about being called ANYTHING. I just used that as an example to drive home the point that whatever a person does, there will be some people to judge that negatively or say nasty stuff about it.

  • well, you don't sound any different from any woman i know who expects a man to approach them so i won't judge your decision

  • You're scared to be judged. Why do you care if she "rejects" you? Answer me that.

    If she says, get away from me you creep, how are you going to act?

    Let that slide by and continue life as it was 1 minute ago.

    You have to stop being weak-minded.

    If you want something, go sample and earn it. Don't say you can when you haven't.

    And you're quite negative, how about, giving her the satisfaction of knowing you today?

    • Let me really honest with you here. I'm too emotionally fragile to go through the rigors of dating and relationships, because I may face rejection at any point. This question was asked long ago. I have realized that I'm too insecure, and have serious self esteem issues. I feel no woman would accept me because I'm just a 'common' man, and have nothing 'special' that makes me stand out from other men. So why would they choose me anyway?

      By the way, I did try approaching someone between the time I asked this question, and now. And the result was as expected - rejection.

    • Don't be so negative, when you approach, tell me how have you done it.

      Do NOT worry about what people think. you need to get over the hump. Do you care if a passerby points to you and say, "such a loser".

      You would not care as 1, he/she doesn't know you and 2, a stranger's opinion does not dictate your reality.

      Every person is different. You do not need to be the best, just show you have character and when you approach, MEAN IT!

      Go through your "approach" with me and something tells me you've been doing it half-assed.

      Most importantly, it's not rejection, just incompatibility at THAT MOMENT!

  • I was just telling a young man on here how women are like cats. You have to wait for them to come to you. If you call them or chase them it just freaks them out. :3

  • Because it is gonna fail. Women don't approach men

    • Well... thats not entirely correct.

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    • Being rarely rarely approached isn't great

    • It is if you're not looking for quickie and fling, and you are more attracted to the kind of women that would approach.

  • You will have to wait longer. Those women are a minority it seems.

    But... If those are the kind of women you want, then stick to your preferences. You might not be happy with a woman that waits for you to make the first move anyway.

    • Personally, it's gotta work either way.

      Innately submissive (I'm NOT talking about being a housewife here), unassertive girls are a turn off anyway.