Is inexperience in relationships a deal breaker?

[Anonymous]

I'm 27 years old and have dated and had hookups but never had a relationship or official girlfriend. Is that a deal breaker or red flag?

[Alwaysthere85]

Sounds like you may be a commitment phobe? I have commitment issues as well so I understand that it's hard especially in today's world which revolves around apps and having so many choices available. I have had long term relationships in the past though.

Anyway, I don't necessarily think the lack of relationships is a red flag. There could be many reasons why you haven't had a girlfriend. Anyway, Ithis would not hinder me from going out with you.

[Asker]

Nope, it wasn't that i had commitment issues. Though some girls i dated wanted me to commit within a week or 2 which kinda scared me off, even though I'm looking for a relationship. And yeah I agree, a lot of these women I met were on dating sites and people have lots of options, both guys and girls. I think that could be a big part of it where people find someone and despite having a connection, they look for the next best thing.

Overall, it's the ones who wanted to be with me I didn't wanna be with and the ones I wanted to be with ended up flaking or ghosting. I hate to sound bitter or whiny, but it does worry me that I've been able to attract a lot of women initially and get told that I'm cute, funny, etc only for them to flake or ghost without an explanation. It makes me feel like I'm messing up really bad but don't know how to improve it and if I bring it up, I'm told just to move on or quit being whiny/needy which is BS.

[Asker]

That being said, very few girls asked me about relationship/sexual history.

[Asker]

So maybe I'm not even focusing on the right thing. There have been some girls who asked me about relationship and I said I've dated, just nothing serious. Didn't find the right one, or someone worth keeping around yada yada and that didn't keep them from talking to me or having a date with me despite sharing that. Granted they asked me, I didn't volunteer that info.

[Alwaysthere85]

Well, don't feel bad because girls have flaked or ghosted you. Man, I've been ghosted many times, unfortunately. I just think that nowadays people strive to get something "better" because they feel they have so many options or they're talking to a gazillion people at one time so they flake. in my opinion, dating had become very hard to navigate.

As you stated, you don't have to volunteer any precise info. It's truly nobody's business. You could be vague about it. Anyway, I don't judge people based on their dating history because it's irrelevant. It's history and not a present day thing for a reason. Like I said, i don't see your lack of long term relationships as a red flag. If anything, i see it as a reflection of today's dating scene and how hard it is to find a great person 😊

[Asker]

Yeah I wish I could meet more women in person as opposed to just online. A lot of those dating sites/apps are very transactional i feel. Most of the time I'll meet people on there who are cute/decent looking but have nothing in common with them or vice versa.

Yeah and to be honest most women don't talk about exes or sexual history or ask me about mine. The ones who have were pretty crazy, not because of that, but for other reasons.

[Asker]

Yeah I don't judge a girl based on her sexual history/dating history. What matters is the present and how she treats me. The only times her past bothers me is if a girl has a lot of baggage (on the rebound) or has an std, kid, or cheats a lot. The rest I could care less about. I never ask a girl about how many guys she's dated let alone slept with or other personal details. Some girls I've dated shared their number of partners, personal details of sexual encounters and past abortions and it makes me go, wtf why are you telling me this. Especially when it's on the first date or before even meeting.

[Machiavelli]

Maybe you were just not ready to settle down, or the guys weren't worth taking serious. Hooking up and short term dating is experience too. Many people have only had long term and serious since they have been dating and are still doing it wrong.

[Asker]

Yeah it's not all black and white. Even people with long term dating experience whether marriage or a relationship can still be shitty people. Not all of course lol.

[desidoll]

My boyfriend is inexperience. I am his first girlfriend. It is not a red flag as long as you willing to learn how to handle a proper relationship in a mature way.

[Asker]

I'm willing to learn. If anything I've learned from dating all these different women is that they're different and no 2 are the same. What may work for one may not for another. That goes both sexually and mentally.

[IHateBeingaMan]

ya I bet he had to be the hunter

[Asker]

@desidoll by the end of the day everyone's different whether it be dating or sex. No universal way of pleasing everyone.

[desidoll]

Thanks for the MHO

[IHateBeingaMan]

how old was he when he met you?

[desidoll]

@IHateBeingaMan he was 24.

[IHateBeingaMan]

but am I right in the sense that he was the one who had to initiate with you?

[desidoll]

@IHateBeingaMan yes he made a move.

[Asker]

You're welcome

[IHateBeingaMan]

ya just speaking out of my strong hatred and resentment on how it always has to be the guy to make the first move and initiate

[IHateBeingaMan]

i'm guessing you are traditional

[Asker]

@IHateBeingaMan I've had girls make the first move, both online and in person but what annoys me is a lot of the girls who would message me first couldn't keep a conversation going to save their lives and expect me to do the work or just eventually fizzle. It's like ok, why'd you message me in the first place then?

[UnknownXYZ]

www.court-records.net/.../bratworth-crossed(c).gif

It would be to some. There's no denying that.

I take it that you didn't like the opinion of @Blonde401?

[Asker]

Was just elaborating on my experiences. It's not all black and white.

[Blonde401]

You know me, keeping it real and people can't handle it 👏

[UnknownXYZ]

www.court-records.net/.../bratworth-shrug(d).gif

@Blonde401 Ah well, you know how it is...

[DamonGill]

I'm afraid to say girls do like experience... but I don't think it's quite a deal breaker. just won't go in your favour.

[Asker]

I usually just say that I've dated but nothing serious which is true. I don't put it out there to do anything to make it sound negative but I just feel like it's expected of me to have had at least one relationship or a few at this point. I mean it could be worse I could be a virgin or have never been kissed or dated but even though I've gotten a lot of women, quality is more important than quantity.

[Calixx]

No, my boyfriend is 24 and his longest relationship was 6 months. I am 20 and mine was 1.5 years.

I mean, he has learned enough about relationships (respect, trust, privacy, etc ) however, because many of them were not serious, I don't think he understands certain behaviors can make a partner feel badly :/

[Justcuriousxx]

Red flag, yes. I would think there was an underlying reason - sounds like you may have played the field for a while. I would want to be confident we were both ready for the relationship if we were to take that next step.

[Asker]

It was more of the other way around. It was more or less the ones I liked or had interest in would flake or ghost after a date or a few or the ones into me either used misleading pictures (met them online) or had other issues. 2 girls were so clingy and controlling that they'd throw fits if I had plans with friends on some nights (this was early on mind you) or one girl would constantly talk about her super sexual past and send nudes thinking that was a way to get people into her.

[BornIntoThis]

"I can't date you because your history of relationships doesn't resemble a phonebook" said no girl ever.

Just turn the disadvantage into an advantage. Say you were waiting for someone special. Boom. It's technically not a lie and she'll love it.

[Asker]

I usually just say I've dated but nothing serious. Which I mean is true.

[BornIntoThis]

Close enough. Honestly I don't think they'll mind.

[Asker]

Yeah I'm sure the right person won't. It's just scary and disheartening because I've been able to attract a lot of women initially but nothing long term. It's like I'll have something steady going for awhile and then bam they flake/ghost or even after the first date and like I said, it doesn't keep me from trying at all, but it's hard to improve yourself when you don't know what you're doing wrong and no one tells you.

[BornIntoThis]

You've either been very unlucky or doing something really wrong. If you were never rude, not paying attention to them or something among those lines, I don't get it why they would just ghost. Maybe some just didn't like you, that's natural, but I don't know why they would all just do that.

[Asker]

Well the thing is, I don't know if I did something wrong because they never say. They just Ghost without explanation or they give that sugarcoated bs like you're a nice guy/cute/really cool but I just didn't feel it. It makes me feel like I'm too nice to have my feelings hurt or just to avoid confrontation.

I'd rather know the harsh truth and know what not to do again than not know and possibly make those same mistakes again. It's just hard to improve yourself when you don't know what you're doing wrong.

[Asker]

Like I'd ask people or tell them about it and some would say they don't know or others would say dude move on, there's other women out there. And it's like well no shit, yeah there's plenty of other women out there but that doesn't change the fact that this keeps happening.

[BornIntoThis]

You should tell the "I'd rather know the harsh truth.." part to the girls. But who knows, maybe they just didn't feel it. Did you?

[Asker]

Some I did, some I didn't. There's been times where even if I wasn't sure how I felt about them yet, I was open to keep seeing them. The worst was when I found girls that I'd get super blown away by and then they'd flake or ghost. That made it harder to get over. But if i did catch myself getting attached or blown away like that early on, I kept my cool, played it by ear, and didn't try to act on it so it wouldn't scare them off.

[deraz24]

I'd wonder why, but as long as you go into it with good intentions and treat her well you'll be fine

[Blonde401]

It's a red flag for me yeah, at my age. Doesn't mean I wouldn't date you but I probably wouldn't make you my boyfriend. I dont want to be the one to deal with being your first girlfriend.

[Asker]

Why would it matter if you were my first girlfriend? I mean everyone's gotta start somewhere right?

Like I would just see it as a relationship. Not so much the fact that she's my first, even if I did have one prior it wouldn't make a difference if she was my 2nd or 3rd.

[Asker]

I mean truth be told. It wasn't that no one wanted me, but the ones who did I wasn't into either because they had catfished me by using misleading pictures or they were super clingy and controlling. Would it have been that much better if I settled just to say I've had a relationship?

Plus not to mention a lot of people flake and Ghost on those dating sites and apps and the ones if felt the closest connection to ended up using me as a rebound.

Not getting on your case but this has been my experiences. Dating is just very difficult these days.

[Blonde401]

Yeah people have got to start somewhere. Start with someone who's in the same boat as you though, not with someone like me who's not looking to show someone the ropes. Everything you've said on this thread is a red flag too. Everyone else is the problem, not you...

Clearly you are getting on my case. You asked opinions, I gave mine.

[Asker]

I understand. And I'm not trying to say everyone is at fault but not me. The problem is I don't know what I am doing wrong like I'll try to ask what to do to improve my situation but never get an explanation.

For me when there's no smoke there's no fire. But I could have a good date with someone and then bam they disappear without any explanation or closure. It's hard to improve yourself when you don't know where you're going wrong and no one tells you.

[Kssal]

Depends on the girl. Date woman with a life. They won't judge your past. Dating sucks now days so its 50/50.

[Asker]

You can say that again. It's just been shitty for me as I've been able to attract a lot of women initially but the ones who wanted to stay I wasn't into and vice versa. I wasn't gonna settle just for the sake of having one either.

[Kssal]

Yeah don't settle ever. People suck now days. You can't ever tell

[Asker]

Yeah it's a waste of time. I mean it's not like I haven't dated at all or haven't had sex but I feel like telling someone you've never had a relationship is like telling someone you're a virgin, even if you really aren't a virgin.

[WalterRadio]

It depends on what a girl is looking for. If she just wants sex, then it isn't a problem. If she wants a husband, then the question is whether you know how to have a relationship.

[septemberangel118]

It's not so much a deal breaker as it is something that may cause a partner to be more cautious.

[Asker]

Cautious in which ways?

[septemberangel118]

There are certain expectations with relationships and it's going to be learning to deal with a learning curve.

[Asker]

But it isn't it a learning curve with each new person? I've dated a bunch and no two people are the same.

[septemberangel118]

It's a flag that you don't know how to commit since you've only done hook ups.

[Asker]

Well it's not that I don't know how to commit, but the ones who wanted to commit to me I wasn't interested in and the ones I wanted to commit to weren't into me or just wanted a hook up/fling.

[septemberangel118]

And it's a red flag telling me that I should not pursue a relationship with you.

[Asker]

it's a red flag that I'm telling you NOT to pursue? im confused

[Asker]

why is it a red flag?

[septemberangel118]

Because you don't have any interest in commitment. As shown by the fact that you are pushing girls away who are interested in more than just a hook-up.

[Asker]

That's not entirely true. I should have elaborated further. But the ones who were into me that way were either catfishes, looked nothing like their pictures or were so clingy and controlling and wanted to jump into a relationship right away, like within a week or 2 away.

[septemberangel118]

Jumping into a relationship within two weeks is really normal...

[serious]

No, that shouldn't be a deal breaker.

[Asker]

I guess it depends on the person, but to come to think about it, very few women I've dated have asked me about it.

[ErenandSpirit]

If you want to have a real relationship with someone and you're inexperienced it shouldn't be a deal breaker with you're partner unless it's not a real relationship.

[AleDeEurope]

It can be a deal breaker if you're too insecure

[Asker]

True. I mean it's not something I advertise or put out there but there's been a few times a girl I really like would ask about my longest/last relationship and I'd lie about it because I was worried that she'd write me off as a weirdo or creep for not having a relationship at a certain age.

[Asker]

Like I'd pretend my flings were relationships. Like it didn't keep me from trying. I was more or less worried it'd be a deal breaker because it's expected of me at this point. Thanks to double standards.

[momo770]

It makes me wonder why you're avoiding intimacy.

[Nahid1234]

You should go ask girls out and go date.

[Asker]

Oh I have believe me, and I have dated but only for the girls to flake/ghost on me. The only ones into me were ones I weren't into and i saw no point in settling.

[Nahid1234]

Sorry to hear.

[Kenni]

are you a counselor?

[Asker]

Not at all. I do sales lol why?

[Kenni]

I just thought I knew you, sorry 😊

[Asker]

haha all good

[Anonymous]

as you get older i would like about it

[Asker]

You mean lie about it?

[Opinion Owner]

as in lie about your experience, ya typo error, my bad, so you had hook-ups but no official girlfriend, so i'm guessing, only sex a few times in your life? just a guess

[Asker]

Yeah I've had sex but not a ton of times

[Asker]

At least 10 times for sure

[Opinion Owner]

were they like flings, casual sex, one night stands?

[Asker]

A mix of all 3

[Asker]

Most of the time, it'd be a few dates with making out at the end but I'd still get hookups and flings with sex on a regular basis.

I'm starting to think I'm looking in the wrong place by using online dating as my main source. It's just hard to meet women. Most of the time I do meet a woman I'm interested in, in person, they're taken. What can you do?

[Opinion Owner]

have you tried online dating or Tinder?

[Asker]

Yep used all of them

[Edward_bear29]

yes it is

[Asker]

why is it a deal breaker for you?

[Edward_bear29]

If you had no official relationship yet then its a sign that you don't intend to have one in the near future, its like you don't give chance to the girl that you will have a future with her

[Asker]

Nah it's not that I have commitment issues. It's more or less the ones who were into me I wasn't into and vice versa.

[Edward_bear29]

so wrong person at the wrong time? yeah maybe you just need to find the right one... cheesy at it seems but i believe in destiny

[Asker]

Yeah that could be it, as cliche as it may be.

What i was more worried about is women thinking "what you haven't had a relationship, maybe this guy's creepy, super weird, etc so no one gave him a chance and rightfully so."

[Edward_bear29]

if a person really likes you and you are meant to be... that person will definitely understand... i've seen people who have more complicated things in life but their partner accepted them... you just have to try maybe you can find a girl who is also looking for the attributes that you are looking too... then that would be a match

[Asker]

True

[Edward_bear29]

yes 😊😊😊

[Anonymous]

Marry me?

[Asker]

Haha. Is that what you're into?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah? Whynnot I am the same thing what you described up above

[Asker]

So you've dated but never had a relationship?

[Opinion Owner]

Hell yeah

[Asad1ONE1]

I hope not.

[Asad1ONE1]

Maybe a deal breaker with someone who's more experienced I don't know. It really depends on the person and compatibility + other factors. You might want to find someone with similar experience. Or in this case inexperience.