Why does my boyfriend enjoy insulting me?

[Anonymous]

Before we officially became boyfriend & girlfriend, my boyfriend used to compliment me all the time. He made comments that I was sexy, hot, beautiful, gorgeous, etc. He used to brag about me to his friends & wanted to show me off. It was amazing and made me feel very special.

Now it seems like he goes out of his way to be rude & offensive. For example, when he was in the room with me the other day as I was changing, he was like "Skinny girls have cellulite. Who knew?" even though he knows I'm self-conscious about it & have expressed my insecurities to him. Then as I was applying my makeup he was like "Damn. Makeup can make anyone look beautiful" implying that without it I am unattractive. I find this particularly hurtful because I hardly wear makeup around him & he used to call me beautiful in the beginning.

He keeps pointing out my flaws and I was trying to ignore it (thinking it was just a phase) but it only seems to be getting worse. A few days later when I was fishing for compliments & trying to get his approval, I asked him "How do I look?" He barely looked up from his phone & was like "Fine. But can you hurry up? We're gonna be late to dinner." Honestly I was hurt by his lack of attention & he was like "Oh, your mascara is a bit smudgy," even though I spent a lot of time perfecting my look and overall felt confident with my appearance.

What happened to the guy who used to frequently compliment me? Why does he now only criticize me? Am I being totally unreasonable for wanting him to appreciate the effort I put into our relationship and how I look for him? Thanks everyone :)

[heyyyyy123]

What I think he is doing is really unacceptable and hurtful. I don't think advice saying "Break up with him" is sufficient, right, or even helpful. I don't think you should until you tell it to him straight.
Although, the easiest way to get to guys heart to essentially leave him alone unless he calls for you and appreciate him when he does stuff for you. Guys are simple creatures really. The more you appreciate him for the compliments he gives you, the more he'll want to compliment you.
Right now he's being really inconsiderate in my opinion, its not helpful for your self esteem or confidence. And he is someone you love and his opinion means a lot to you.
If I were you, I would come up to him in a very loving, non judging way and tell him that you really like it when he compliments you and it makes you happy. Don't attack him by stating how much he doesn't compliment you or judges you. That will only make him feel more blamed and you'll lose sight of what you're looking for here. Not saying that he necessarily shouldn't be blamed, but its not the most effective approach.
Don't think you are being unreasonable, feeling sexy and beautiful is very important in a relationship. He is neglecting you of those sorts of needs and he needs to be aware that it's important to you. Some guys don't see the importance after a while of dating, he may not be trying to be hurtful, he just may be a critical person in general. Which he should work on.
If this approach doesn't work, I would go for the approach of telling him in a loving way that you don't like how he is treating you and not giving you complements. Hope this works and made sense lol. Sorry its so long!

[lotv56]

Eww. Leave him. you may be able to handle it pretty well now but that is going to affect you if you stay and listen to that crap. it may ruin your self esteem. In reality it's him who is lucky to have you. . My ex boyfriend would tell me things like " you gained weight eww" " Real woman have curves like megan fox." He also said " no guy would waste their time with an 18 year old virgin girl like you" Well I thought he was this hot guy but I got tired of it and left him. Now i'm 24 and i'm dating this hot and super sweet guy! I lost my virginity with him when I was 22 and he was also a virgin. I have a bachelors degree and i'm currently waiting to get accepted into masters program. But my ex, ended up in prison and I have no idea how he ended up there! I'm now thinking.. what was I thinking! can you imagine if I would've stayed with him and believed him lol He also tried getting back with me a year before he went to prison and eww lol I was like boy do you seriously think you have a chance with me! lol it's funny how things change. Obviously he use to compliment me too but that's just what people do when they are not happy with themselves, they take it out on someone.

[Anonymous]

So I was ready to tell you to stop being so sensitive but damn! This guy sounds like a dick. The things he's saying can't even be taken as jokes.
It sounds like he's trying to knock down your self esteem. Do not think about it and come up with excuses for him. He's intentionally hurting you, this is, at least, borderline abusive. RUN! I'm saying this from first hand experience, this shit will probably only get worse. So please, before you're so beaten down, your self esteem is non existent and you can't see a way out, get out of this.

[DarkAngel98]

He was hiding behind a mask to get you. Now that he has you, his true colors are showing. My advixe, talk to him, and if it doesn't change, get out of the relationship as that is considered abuse and is very toxic. In fact, my mom just got out of a relationship like that, and I watched her deal with the torment for YEARS. It's honestly unacceptable for a guy to do that

[Levin]

This is a funny one. On the surface of it, it seems like emotional abuse, but..

It depends. Robust personalities make fun out of each other and have 'banter'. But with banter, both parties have to be on the same level. They have not to take themselves too seriously. I speak with one girl, and we savage one another, take the piss etc, but that's just her personality and I laugh tremendously. I take it in the spirit of a bit of a test.

There's some key words here: "A few days later when I was fishing for compliments & trying to get his approval,"

What do you think you could be learning here as a life lesson? There certainly seems to be a great deal of sensitivity and inner focus on how you look. Are you maimed, ugly, in bad shape, have a leg missing? I know it doesn't make one's own securities go away. It strikes me, that when we can laugh at ourselves, we can transcend something, provided it's coming from a genuine place of understanding. Just a thought.

But yeah, part of how one responds to awry comments is inner perception. Someone could say something, and one's world could crumble, to another person, they wouldn't even register it. It's a question of whether one's sense of self can totally fall down from one negative comment.

But yeah, he's your boyfriend, communicate better.

[Asker]

I totally get what you're saying but to me there's a difference between playful banter & just plain insults. I'm also measuring his behaviour against how he treated me in the past & there has been quite a shift. I have to say your observation skills are on point lol! I do place a great deal of emphasis on my appearance & it's because I used to be really insecure & would literally cry at the drop of a hat. Over time I have learned to love myself but external validation (like my boyfriend) would certainly bmake me feel a lot better :)

[Levin]

His behaviour needs to be assessed in the mix of how he treats you. Is he a good and attentive boyfriend generally. What does he say about the things he says to you? Why would he have changed do you think? It doesn't seem like their is malice in them, is there?

And yeah, certainly external validation would be nice. Alas, for some of us, it's more than a luxury :P

To me, it's about balance. Being playful and taking the piss out of each other builds up some tension, and then later you give a nice forehead kiss and tell her how much you love her. But some people are more affectionate than others. Personally I'm very affectionate.

And yeah, I didn't want to give a surface approach. A lot of people are jumping to give a bog standard appeasing answer, but I think there's more than going on than meets the eye.

[Levin]

Reading some of the other answers it does seem too that you're a bit of a martyr and far too passive in your interactions with him. Why don't you feel able to express your voice and give something back, and actually be honest with him? Being able to stand up for yourself is a basic life skill and of such fundamental consequence to how you progress in life. If you don't express what you want, then you often won't get what you want. People can't read your mind, and there's something about externalising in words that lends confidence and credence to your desires. It shows that you actually believe they are important and worth pursuing.

If you can't do it with your boyfriend, then it's hard to imagine you can do it in other contexts. Sometimes it's nice to toughen up, without hopefully becoming harsh or losing one's beauty. ;)

[Levin]

Of course, I may be totally off the mark and he just be a dick. In that case, break up. So yeah, whichever suits :)

[Phil_Th]

Have you confronted him about it yet? I can't quite think of why he would suddenly change that way. It's pretty odd.
I would say sit him down and let him know word-for-word how you feel about it and how frustrated you are by it, so if he cares that'll let him know exactly how you feel and that this is his last chance to throw away whatever he's trying to do here if he's worth his salt and wants to stay with you.
It's very important you don't hold back, though. Say it exactly how you feel it. Be honest and let him know you're hurt. That's the only way he's going to understand it as it is.
If even then he doesn't care, then you know what to do, friend. Discard him.

[Anonymous]

He actually said all those things? it sounds like he no longer appreciates you and he only dated you for your look, and then you got older... entropy is a bitch
That is my guess as to why he's acting like this. The fact that you have to seek his approval and fish for his compliment makes it look really sad.
I think you should call him out whenever he is rude. Have a serious talk about this. Break up if he doesn't change. Some relationship has an expiration date.

[Asker]

Unfortunately he has said all those things & honestly it hurt me more than I'd like to admit. We have only been dating for six months & my appearance has not changed much at all since the first time we met. The thing is, I get compliments from both guys & girls often, but it would mean so much more coming from my boyfriend. My biggest problem is that I'm not confrontational at all lol. I usually don't say anything to him but will cry privately when I know he's not there

[Opinion Owner]

6 months in and already treated you so badly? I definitely didn't expect this...
Ok does he see guys hitting on you often? do you flirt with them on instagram and such?
Maybe that triggers his insecurity and he feels the need to put you down. Just my speculation, could be totally wrong

[silverqueen]

You’re not being unreasonable but definitely being too permissive in terms of letting him insult you because he knows you won’t confront him. Stand up to him and demand his respect. Give him an ultimatum

[SapphireFox]

Dump him! He's intentionally making you insecure. So guys do that so the girl doesn't feel attractive and leave him for someone better... or he's a prick. Either way, you deserve better.

[wisdom_sharer]

Yes & yes. You're being unreasonable thinking you can have *self*confidence if someone else "feeds you with compliments" and gives you daily/weekly approval and Yes, he's an asshole.

[aestheticsofty]

He doesn’t care about your feelings and doesn’t have empathy. Just dump him, because he is an asshole who wants to hurt you and will probably not hesitate to cheat on you.

[Anonymous]

He's either trying to tease you and is coming off as an asshole or he is taking you for granted now that you are his girlfriend.

[Asker]

He does have a sarcastic sense of humor but it honestly sounds like he's being serious. I'm trying not to be sensitive about it but I want to be appreciated & complimented every once in a while like he used to do :(

[Opinion Owner]

Tell him how it makes you feel. You should never ever be made to feel like that in a relationship. If he loves you, he will understand and change the way he speaks to you.

[Chrisdl]

I was expecting light insults but that's not cool. Ask him to stop or else dump.

[Asker]

But why would he enjoy insulting me? He was the complete opposite when we first started dating

[Chrisdl]

Some people like to casually insult because they like the look of their face when they're frustrated or mad but I don't know this seems just ill. And I'm sadomasochistic and I wouldn't say that stuff.

[WhoDatGuy]

That's not even remotely funny. I'd sack off this little boy!

[Anonymous]

Your not being unreasonable at all. Actually if it were me I would break up with him. Its possibke he's cheating on you (not saying he is at all). If you dont want to break up with him you need to talk to him about it cause it can get worse.

[Alex_andrine]

For how long you've been together now?

[Asker]

We've been dating for about 6 months

[Malita55]

Sounds like he’s a dick

[jasminefrvr22]

Lol he's joking