Would you be jealous if your SO has a friend of the opposite gender who's more attractive than you?

[Anonymous]

Yes

Nope

[CallMeDave]

Not just because he's more attractive. I've been around long enough to know that physical attractiveness is a only a small piece of what attracts most women. As long as I'm confident that they're just platonic friends and nothing more and there's no flirting or anything like that going on, it wouldn't bother me.

My girlfriend is even friends with some of her exes and that doesn't bother me because I know she's over them and they are not a threat. We've even had dinner with a couple of them. I'm connected on social media with a couple of my exes and that doesn't bother my girlfriend either for the same reasons.

Are you asking this because your SO is jealous of a male friend you have or because you're jealous of a female friend your SO has?

If it's the first, that probably means he's feeling insecure about your relationship. Perhaps reassuring him that you are happy with your relationship and with him and want to be with him and not that other guy will help.

If you're the one feeling jealous, do you know why? Do you have doubts about how much your SO loves you? Does he do anything with her that makes you think something could happen that would threaten your relationship with him?

[Asker]

What if I did reassure him but he still feels jealous until I cut ties

[CallMeDave]

Do you know why he feels that way? Do you know if there's something specific that you do with your friend that bothers him? Or something your friend does? Or is your SO just insecure? Do you know if he's been cheated on in the past or dumped by someone for a better-looking guy? Do you do anything with your friend that gives him reason to be concerned?

[CallMeDave]

I had a situation like that once where my girlfriend was jealous of a female friend (who was my best friend before I met my girlfriend) and I ended up having to mostly cut ties with my friend for a while until my girlfriend felt more secure about our relationship.

How long have you been with your SO? And how long have you been friends with your friend?

[Asker]

Two years with my boyfriend and I met my friend on campus last August

[Asker]

I'm not romantically attracted to my friend's personality so I feel completely platonic towards him. I did reassure my boyfriend about that. He's probably insecure because he's still jealous. He got cheated on before. What would've happened if you didn't cut most ties with your female friend?

[CallMeDave]

Do you think you are doing anything with your friend that gives your boyfriend any reason to be concerned? Like are you spending time with your friend that in the past you would have spent with your boyfriend or anything like that?

How good is your relationship with your boyfriend? Have there been problems (other than the issue with your friend) in recent months that might make your boyfriend be worried about the relationship?

I'm just trying to figure out why he seems so concerned.

[Asker]

Every other day we text. He said that doesn't want me to text at all

[Asker]

He prefers if I cut off all contact

[CallMeDave]

My guess is that him getting cheated on before might be the root of the problem. He's probably afraid that will happen again even if you're not doing anything wrong.

I once had a girlfriend that lied to me a lot. It took me a while to catch on to that. When I did, I broke up with her because I think honesty is essential to a relationship and I couldn't trust her. (I'm pretty sure she didn't cheat, but the lying was a deal breaker.). For a few years after that, I was hypersensitive about honesty and had trouble trusting my next couple girlfriends even though they weren't lying to me. That caused problems and I think is at least part of why one of them broke up with me. One woman though was patient with me and I was able to overcome that because she was very honest and eventually I realized that and was able to trust her. We ended up married.

[CallMeDave]

I'm not sure what would have happened if I didn't cut most ties with my female friend. For months I tried to walk a tightrope and keep both the romantic relationship (which was less than a year old) and the friendship going, but it was creating a lot of stress and eventually I decided that I wasn't going to be able to keep them both going so I felt like I had to make a choice. That was a difficult thing because I valued both my girlfriend and my friend, but I felt that my girlfriend had to come first and so I cut most ties with my friend.

That seemed to really reassure my girlfriend and within about 6 months she felt secure enough to feel comfortable with me resuming contact with my friend. They even became somewhat friendly with each other. The friendship was never the same though. We weren't nearly as close as we had been. I don't regret my decision though. I feel that my partner always has to be my top priority and sometimes that requires some sacrifice. She made some sacrifices for me in other ways though and I think that's how it usually is in good relationships.

I understand how difficult and frustrating it is to be in that situation when there should be no reason that you can't keep the platonic friendship, so I sympathize with you. Hopefully you'll be able to get your boyfriend to understand that your friend is not a threat, but it not you might end up having to make a difficult decision.

[CallMeDave]

Have you asked your boyfriend what exactly it is that he's worried about? If you can understand that maybe you'll be able to find a way to reassure him without having to give up the friendship.

How are things with him otherwise? Is he generally accepting of the things that are important to you and this is just an unusual case or does he try to get you to stop doing other things that you want to do?

[Asker]

He said in the beginning that he'd prefer if I didn't have male friends I talked to outside of work or class. I just wish that men that have been cheated would realize I'm very faithful and never cheated on anyone. Give me the chance to trust me and know I won't hurt them.

[Anonymous]

no, as he couldn't get her but I did. Things would be different if he was an ex. We should never be close with an ex

[OddBeMe]

Depends if she’s attracted.

[TheReaILifeGrumpyCat]

Hell yes..

[TheReaILifeGrumpyCat]

It makes you insecure,