Should I break up with my boyfriend over this issue?

[Anonymous]

This is a long story but I’ll try to make the context short. Before we started dating I always saw his ex on his recent searches, he talked about her all the time, and about two weeks before we started dating in January I saw him like a video basically saying he’d always go back to her in the end. We start dating, and he continues to always talk about her and I always see her in his recents, he still likes her photos, etc. He doesn’t talk to her though because she made it very very clear she does not want to be his friend in October, she told him to f*ck off and a bunch of mean stuff. Bottom line this girl made it VERY clear she does not want contact with him, and he also told me she is a c*nt, and she hurt him so badly. In March I finally spoke to him and told him how this bothered me and told him to stop searching her and stop talking about her, his defense was he missed her as a friend. So after this he stops, I never hear a word about her again. They don’t talk for 7 months and I recently found out he reached out to wish her happy birthday which lead to me talking to him and discovering he's “obsessed with the idea of wanting to be her friend” and he still wants her in his life but he “doesn’t have feelings for her” he also still followed her mom and whole family because he wants to see what they post, he also admitted he’s stuck in the past and how their relationship ended. Besides this we are so happy and I love him a lot, but the fact he made no change since March and also continued to stalk her is beyond me, and I don’t know if I should give him another chance to change. He says he’ll do anything, delete her and block her on everything. What do I do?

[lightbulb27]

He's denying his feelings, you just wrote it down. Been there, done that.

You can stay with him and work with him to work through his emotional issues, or leave and hope to find a healthier person. In this society... not sure where you find healthy. More context...

I've lived this myself being hungup in an unrequitted love friendzone for 15 years. Women connect to the heart of man and if they get their hooks in there, he's hooked! You know that. I didn't want to let go and hurt her and lose the family I hoped for. That hopeless and useless relationship damaged two subsequent relationships in the process, one of which I'm still in because she is is the strongest willed person I've ever met.. doesn't give up. Women can't handle having another women as #1 in his heart, you know that. Trouble is, he may not be able to see why he's stuck and so it keeps a pull on him as it did on me. It took nothing to pull me back in, or get myself back in when I felt a void. It's a drug. It takes a lot of introspection, reflection and confrontation to find emotional hooks and remove them. I didn't see myself clearly, it took years... friend telling me to cut her out, counselors confirmation, new girlfriend. I faught it all the way. How hard you wanna fight?

There can be other feeder roots from childhood that may explain why he was drawn to her and why she got so much power, she may not have realized. I have my roots, I see some of them and not all... mom issues, abuse, curses. This is not easy s#@t to deal with because what is wrong seems right. It feels good... doing the wrong things. Damn emotional training! It may be she manipulated him, abused him emotionally then cut him loose. Maybe she drew a parallel with his mother/father, so cutting her out is like cutting them out. It hurts to lose. Or maybe he's just not mature? My point is... you don't know what is going on yet, the answer is deep in his emotions and may take some work to break the other person free. I didn't get the good grace he got of being cut out, she kept me dangling around as I'd engaged or she would, we'd reconnect. To me that's worse. I did get cut out from another woman and it hurt awful, I know that pain and could feel that more. I monitored her online for a while for my dreams were still there. But I suffered that pain and moved on. This other one, very hard to feel pain and let go. Point... hard work. Love roots back to childhood, training, imagination. That's a lot to understand. It is good he acknowledges some and says he is willing. I said the same, but it's a process.

Maybe you can work through this with him and stick it out, get to a better place? Talk to my girlfriend, it's painful as hell on her, and on me in return. Maybe you two can tag team defeat these other bitches? I realize part of the problem is me and your boyfriend. Were humans and we have flaws.

[lightbulb27]

Correction, mormons and other cultures do have multiple women relationships with a man. But in general, most people operate by traditional values of one man and one woman. Noone should accept something that violates their emotional wellbeing.

[RawIronhide]

Your reading into this too far, that being said, I think you'd be better off finding someone who prioritizes you as their focus. For future reference, it's ok for a guy to wish a girl happy birthday or like pictures or videos without wanting to get some but he seems to be fawning over her and that's pretty strange if he's dating you. Maybe there's a good reason the other girl wants nothing to do with him but again you shouldn't assume that in every case, good luck.

[SueShe]

I see it that he is indeed stuck in the past and that after so many months, he has not given up on being her friend despite the negative things she told him.

It looks as if you are just a substitute for his ex and rest assured that should there be a change in her attitude towards him, he will not hesitate to drop you and run back to his ex.

My advice is to end up the relation before it is hurting you too much. You owe it to yourself to be happy too and not always having to be worried about what would happen if...

All the time you are staying with him, you cannot look for someone that is trustworthy and that accepts you for whom you are and not just as a substitute.

[Avicenna]

Maybe give him one more chance, no tolerance for any slip-ups.

[Anonymous]

How did you know his recent searches before y'all started dating lol?

[Asker]

He would pull up Instagram next to me and search something and I’d see it. Never did any sneaking around in his phone

[marcusjg714]

look each person is always going to have those in our past we love or care about. we must decide if we want them in our life. if we do then become the love that he would rather have in his life

[lightbulb27]

Could you clarify your last statement. It sounds like you are saying that she should become the love that displaces the other person, while they are in his life. Is that right?

[anylolone]

Yep. Just run to the hills.

[888theGreat]

adios amigos

[In_Trance]

Yup. Dump him