How Do I Avoid Hurting Him?

[Alyssa11]

Right guys I have nobody else to talk to about my love life. So here goes...

I went on a date with this guy and he was VERY kind to me. He did everything right, set out his intentions and I could tell that he really liked me. When I wanted to leave, he kept pushing for extra time and kept taking random photos for memory. He insisted on buying me more food and he was too nervous to eat around me.

So the issue is I really don’t want to hurt this guy but I just wasn’t feeling him. He’s a lovely guy but he’s just not for me. What do I do? And what do I say? When do I say it? I don’t want to crush him he was so excited to be with me.

Updates

+1 y

Guys he didn’t take it well. Called me narcissistic, toxic and a player... some people are so weird.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks guys for your support!! I’m alright now lol :) learned some lessons for the future

[NathanDavis]

I think is just to be honest, and straight to the point... you're not feeling it and it is not working for you, that is all... that will suck for him but it will be just for a while, and he will get over it and move on... and if he does not, well, that is up to him... his level of maturity for these things are his responsibility, not yours... you already tried, you gave it a chance and it just didn't work out, now, just be honest and hope he appreciates that, as he really should

[NathanDavis]

edit/update
---- good riddance...

[Alyssa11]

100%!!!

[NathanDavis]

👍🏻

[Pterodon]

This is the reality and why we date. It’s to see if there’s a connection. You just tell him you think he’s nice but he’s just not for you. DO NOT SAY LETS BE FRIENDS

[Pterodon]

At least you’re out of it

[Alyssa11]

Thank goodness. He’s a maniac!!

[TonyMetal___86]

Just be honest with him miss alyssa in a kind way but i just don't get it, if he's lovely, nice, good and everything than why there was no connection with him? There must be something that you didn't like about him, maybe something in his physical trait...

I'm going to ask you something miss alyssa rapunzel but don't take me wrong...
When you meet or date guys you lose hope cause the majority are either bad or liars or they have something negative and you become sad and your right to feel like that but on the other hand when you meet someone nice and good you say that there is no connection or this and that... etc

Miss alyssa, there is no PERFECT MAN, it's not like ordering pizza, making it your own way and get it perfect 😄

Some girls are beauty icons but their inside is sh*tty and some are just ugly and some are good looking aka "acceptable" but they are wonderful from the inside, it's nearly impossible to find a girl who combines all these traits in her, which means that we have to accept the person with his positive and negative side 😌

I hope you get my point or you will never find mr perfect because he simply doesn't exists...

[Alyssa11]

You're totally right and thank you for sharing your opinion. He did everything right and I could tell he really likes me but I just didn't feel a connection. There was no spark. He was incredibly shy too and I felt very dominant on the date, and I didn't like it. Sometimes you can talk to someone on the phone and get along so well, but face-to-face there's no good energy whatsoever

[TonyMetal___86]

Well you have a point there and your right, you can't be with someone whom your not comfortable with or did not feel anything towards him, too bad!

I hope that he meets a girl who will admire him and i hope that you find someone whom you will be on fire for 😄

Good luck princess rapunzel 😌

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!

[Ceslovas]

Alyssa11 .. you alrrady found so many 'boyfriend' over here that feel into you... just need to pick one

Or one by one...😉it would be sexy of you!😁

[Ceslovas]

We pick. up each other=we pick ourself (what is in alignment with truth within us) from each other:)

And we all in different place... not only on physical plane but energetically... there is devine timing behind everything to someone that believies! an intuition is our guiding light.. just need to have faith in process -trust! but before that we need to learn a lot...

[ZDoes]

The truth, only the truth and do it as quickly as you possibly can. Do not streach it out. Do not put it off. You are going to hurt him. Not avoidable. The key here is not to make it worse. The longer you wait. The more it will hurt. And in truth what you're doing is saving yourself the pain of the guilt over hurting him, which is perfectly normal. It only becomes pathological if you ghost him or string him along for free meals and the occasional new piece of jewelry. Show some mercy, be quick about it. Because he, is building a fantasy life with you in a happily ever after in his head. It gets stronger with every passing second. So don't wait. Do it now. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to go into details or reasons. Thank him, tell him that he was very sweet, but he's just not your type.
And you can be confident that you were authentic and acting with integrity and honesty. And there's never a good reason to feel bad about that.

[ZDoes]

Sorry to have to say this sweetie, but there's no avoiding it. That is unless he's already moved on so to speak. The only thing you can do to mitigate the pain is to be decisive and make it quick.

[Alyssa11]

Thank you for your honesty!

[ZDoes]

You're welcome. Sad that it's worthy of thanks though. Honesty should be expected as if it was a common, regular occurrence. Unfortunately it's become a rare jem, unexpected due to scarcity.
Sad fact is, people are afraid to be honest. The reasons range from sweet and tender to malicious. Ultimately however no one is ever doing anyone any good by lying. You're either shielding someone from the inevitable and it's important life lessons, or covering your own ass like a coward in an attempt to dodge culpability.

[Alyssa11]

Well honesty is always the best policy

[sweetmessposts]

I think I saw this other question from you a while back about a guy talking about kids even before the first date. "When I wanted to leave, he kept pushing for extra time and kept taking random photos for memory"... I'm sorry but he doesn't seem to have good manners 💀💀 There is a difference between someone who is caring and someone who is controlling, so don't bother with his rude comments afterwards. I wanted to answer this question earlier but it took me so long to think of a response lmaoo 💀 I'm glad it is over now

[Alyssa11]

Now that I know what he’s really like I defo agree with you!! It was a sign of being controlling!

[ohshee]

Everything you just said right there but you have to tell him and he has to understand and respect that and if you really truly likes you then he will without the problem you can't crush anybody by being honest with him you can always crash somebody if they're only thinking about themselves if he's thinking about you and the best for you then he will be okay but if he's only thinking about himself of course it's going to crush him should want the best for you

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!!

[ohshee]

Welcome

[ohshee]

I would have said stop it those words are turning me on now see what you did and then walk away

[Alyssa11]

I blocked him lol. He made me cry for real he was so crazy!!! I dodged a bullet

[ohshee]

Well there's something very very special about you I don't know what it is yet I think I know but I think you're going to have lots of guys to fall in love with you and probably for all the wrong reasons but when you find that one and he finds that one thing are all the things that are special in you I believe that you will both know it and feel it that's the whole thing no matter what happens with somebody you're dating you have to understand it it's like a puzzle you have to experience whatever it was that you experienced with that person in order to learn from it to move on to the next one to get to where you're going. If you look back in your old life look at all the bad things that happened if you really look deeply into it those bad things have turned into good things

[Alyssa11]

Thank you that’s so true. I’ve learned such valuable lessons for next time!

[Crazybeeguy]

Let me ask you this, what if I have the same problem with a women. I think she's not the right women for me. But she insists that we are a match made in heaven. How would you recommend that I let her down gently, she has a higher risk of depression. I just don't feel that vibe with her. How would I break up with her without hurting her feelings?

[Crazybeeguy]

Well there's your answer, he was just lucky to have a first date. He could have been like hey, what did you not like about me? Is there a possibility I can work on that and still see where things go? Or is it a hard no? He could have took it many ways. Major red flag when you hurt his ego and he had no grace to accept that fact.

[Alyssa11]

Definitely!

[zeitgeist057]

Just be honest. If you are honest now that he is "a lovely guy" then maybe you could try to be friends? Just from your description I feel like the chemistry is wrong, like he was a bit too much, too nice, too eager, it sounds kind of tense, tbh. But like I say, maybe you could be friends and bring it down a notch from a romantic expectation or possibility and see if he is still a lovely person?

[Crazybeeguy]

Nope, bad idea she will drag out his feelings.

[zeitgeist057]

@Crazybeeguy that's on him if so. Good opportunity for him to grow.

[zeitgeist057]

@alyssa11in response to your update, unfortunately this is a typical behavior with men. They do this crap of piling on gifts like the insisting on buying more food for you, but in their head they think they are buying YOU and that you now OWE them. It's so gross and honestly one of the strongest arguments for women going dutch.

But I'm glad he showed his true colors now you don't even need to feel an obligation to try to be friends, he is obviously not a nice person. Sorry you got disappointed :/

[Alyssa11]

Thanks! To be honest he was so nice it felt quite fishy... I'm also glad I found out a bit early on :)

[Z1pTD]

You could say you want to keep being friends but aren't interested in him romantically, or you could keep dating him tentatively. here's what my mom said (and let me say that she's very successfully piloted us kids through some stuff), “if two people spend enough time together theyll eventually learn to love each other.” Keep in mind that she said this when (as she predicted) my older brother married somebody who he previously dislike quite a bit (theyre still happily married by the way lol)

[Z1pTD]

Just saw the update. Soooo yeah nvm. Id say cut him out.
Its dissapointing that people can turn so wuickly on each other for little reason, even when its out of their control

[Z1pTD]

*quickly

[Alyssa11]

He switched so fast! How am I all those things just because I went on one date and realised I don’t want to go on any more dates... which is what normal people do

[Z1pTD]

Maybe he believes in subjective truth (therefore subject to change based on his emotions) or “all or nothing”?
“I am determined to be the best or nothing, and I can’t be the best so I am determined to be nothing!” — Amy (Little Woman, 2021)

[Ceslovas]

Normal people don't date. They socialise and accidentally meet someone... and if they feel very connected they-date.

With religious view 'dating isn't something fun'they understand dating is preperation for marriage.

IT took awhile to make out of it sense, but it does really makes sense to me.

not sure how 'dating' world would react to this but i tell in different words:

It's daNgeorous zone-you can fall in love with someone you don't even like!

So it's like a rule to me now: hang out with only girl and the one i really really really really sure about...

[Ceslovas]

So nobody can get emotionally hurt. but i could be wrong.

[Ceslovas]

Main problem here. People put hope in circumstances, in people. So many expectations in their mind unrealistic ones which leads them to get interanally hurt (dissapointed).

[Ceslovas]

So yea. We all fucked up😄😅just in different ways

[Alyssa11]

Well after this experience with everything else the past few months I’ve decided to also stop dating. Whoever is meant to be with me will come to me and I’m over it.

But also when someone goes into the dating world, they shout keep an open mind and alert mind. Just because someone agrees to meet you, or call you or whatever that doesn’t mean they owe you anything. You’re not together until you have both agreed you’re together. I don’t understand how this guy is upset because I decided I didn’t want to be with him after one date. ONE date.

[Ceslovas]

Dream of him your future Man.. have a vision of him let feeling of him sink into your mind. And u shall attract him into your life... and it's nothing to do with random dating. It would just drain you and make u think every guy are the same... trust this Man do exist:)

[Alyssa11]

I’m going to do that!

[Ceslovas]

Any guy could be good example of what u need... only if they are real to themself-Authentic!

[Ceslovas]

For example me:I can't find what I am looking for in a Girl because I am 'looking'... i need to give up on 'trying' to find...

so i can show up natural and authentic... only then i allow it.. to come... the real sense of connection...

just need to trust in process... whateverbis for will finds it's way on it's right timing in a right place... unneed to relax into your heart and ask yourself:

what is that i am trully longing for... i would personally put my hands on my chest and sink into that truth fullness of that feeling... where u no longer ressist... to what it's coming :)

Sometimes what you want and what u need is not the same:) and now days you need more of it... what you NEEd.

Just be humble to that truth... feeling that arises from within..🙂

Maybe it's more about me, less about you, but u will find what u really need-what nourishes you... the sense of true authencity...:)

[Ceslovas]

Because normally when we talk.. when we say something.. it's not about them.. it's about us;)

[Ceslovas]

Those guys u were meeting was having something for you but it was not visible, not for display:) coz they were nervous shy:) and maybe it's ment to be this way;) because they also in a rush... of finding what they need. But what they really need is a peace inner balance between this and this:) and i am sorry if i don't make sense:)

[Ceslovas]

There is a beautiful song.. what makes our emptiness bearable is... each other! but i say what makes us feel whole complete... trully free is happy within. Peace-balance between this and this (needs and wants)

[Ceslovas]

And if I am looking in a wrong place... i will never find it;(

[Ceslovas]

We all here... for each other (came on this earth) to help! to realise something that is within us! Oh, we are not as perfect as we think (feel) we are in first place. But we helping each other , that's why we all here...
😉

[Ceslovas]

We just wrong in our mind

[Alyssa11]

That’s true a lot of the guys I’ve met have just been so fake! Like they try to figure out what I’m looking for or need and try to become that man when they’re really not

[Ceslovas]

Have you ever loved... trully felt someone in your heart?:)

[Alyssa11]

@Ceslovas Yes I have. I can;t wait to have that feeling again. Wbu?

[Ceslovas]

Yes my darling yes! if that feeling i can get with you😁

[Ceslovas]

I am sorry if i sound rude withy comment... sorry if this made u feel uncomfortable:I and yes, I do longing for that true feeling..

Every single day... i think abou that... i went on trip and came accross this old but beautiful & strong horse... he looked so lonely in the field just like me😂 i felt this instant connection:) i fed him... i huged him... he didn't know me but still trusted me.. i almost cried... felt like this tention i was holding was about to come out... i felt so good around him haha didn't want to go. In that time i realised once again... how beautiful is to have someone gentle loving tender energy in my life... to hold her in my arms in those late night coming back home and see her smile at the doors greeting me... those kisses:)🙄 so yes... i wait to have that sense of feeling in my life aswell:)

[Anonymous]

I would have given him three to five more dates my first two dates with my kid's mom was a disaster the third date oh yeah that's when the fun started. He showed you that he was desperate and clingy that was not a wise strategy on his part you not giving him another chance or another date was also not wise unless you were doing the speed dating application

[Alyssa11]

I was doing speed dating lmao

[Opinion Owner]

Oh shit, I guessed right, behavioral analysis is a place to be

[Alyssa11]

Loool

[Opinion Owner]

Bhahahaaaha

[Anonymous]

Well, he just didn’t use the right method to make you have love feelings for him. Now, you don’t want to be with him so you can either just tell him that and tell him to not take it personally, or you can tell him to do research online on how to attract girls if you are so willing to go into a chance in him flipping your feelings for him. Warning: if you go for that second direction, there may be no way out. He may be yours for life. Choose carefully.

[Opinion Owner]

Response to the update: ask him how exactly are you toxic, narcissistic, and a player. Ask him to be specific but to not base it off of things you have already apologized for.

[Alyssa11]

Because I made him catch feelings for me and now I’m making it about myself by ending things. That’s what he said...

Makes no sense at all. He’s abusive if anything.

[Opinion Owner]

@alyssa11 , well if he is abusive, you definitely want to avoid him. Now, some of the thinking people may think finding a method to make the person to not be abusive if they like the person. Maybe going into majoring in psychiatry would help, but we never know anyone (including ourselves) 100%, so who knows how abusive could he be. I would at this point say better safe than sorry and just avoid him if he is like psychologically abusive, or physically abusive (people underestimate the severity of psychological abuse).

[Alyssa11]

Absolutely!

[crazysassypaws21]

this might cheese but it really is the best way just do it, just tell him ur not feeling and it might and he might try chance ur mind if ur really not feeling then just stick to ur guns and i say this about girls too not just guys it really is the best way to be just straight forward with the guy hope that helps

[zzombie]

You've gotta be honest with him, the longer you drag this on the more it will hurt him so just be blunt. You can say something like: "Thanks for taking me out but this isn't going to work. We aren't compatible, I think you're a lovely guy but I didn't feel a connection."

[MrPickles13]

Just be honest but kind. Maybe say how he's a lovely guy and all that and you enjoyed your date but there's just no spark there.

And maybe just say that as nice a time as you had your not the girl for him but there is one out there.

Maybe something like rhag. Just make it clear that there isn't anything there for you. But just be kind about it. If that doesn't work just be very firm but try to avoid being rude.

Just some suggestions hope they help.

[MrPickles13]

I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand him being hurt but calling you things like that isn't. From what you said it just wasn't meant to be and that's all there is to it. It doesn't make you toxic or Narcassitic or anything like that at all

[MrPickles13]

I'm glad your okay now, sorry he was such a dick about it. But honestly you did the the kindest thing it would have been unfair to both of you to continue. He's to immateue to see that from what you said.

No matter what you think or others may say tho you did nothing wrong at all. you did the kind mature thing and tried to minimise his pain you can't do more then that.

[JustinTimberlegs]

Hey bro you're such a good friend you remind me of my uncle he was such a nice guy

[Alyssa11]

lol thanks?

[JustinTimberlegs]

I'm sorry he didn't take it well, but you did the right thing by not leading him on. You'll find someone better, hang in there

[JustinTimberlegs]

Oh and my original reply was what you should say to him lol

[Alyssa11]

Thank you!

[Alyssa11]

Ohhhh lol that makes sense

[Fireguy17]

Just come out and talk to hi..
Leading someone on because you don't wish to cause them any pain can actually make things worse in the long run.
At some point he can tell something is wrong.
It isn't easy but it is the right thing to do.

[Bklynbadboy12]

What you do is be honest. He's just not your type be honest with him trust me he'll appreciate that more and who knows you might make s good friend in the process

[Bklynbadboy12]

Did you tell him

[Alyssa11]

I am about to do it :( I feel so bad but you're right honesty is the best policy

[Bklynbadboy12]

Trust me he'll appreciate your honesty and you may make a new friend

[Clarke498]

I think the best thing is to just be honest. Tell him he's nice but that you just don't feel like that. I think that's better than anything else. Calm and respectful.

[Clarke498]

Well just shows how he was... Good riddance

[Anonymous]

Text him like any friendly convo but if he asks you out again don't reply just ghost him and hopefully he will get the hint. Are you into girls then is that why?

[Opinion Owner]

when you dont listen to advice thats what you get

[Alyssa11]

Honestly just shut up don’t get rude

[Opinion Owner]

😥😥😥

[Opinion Owner]

Poor guy he dodged a bullet

[Tstrbrainer]

Sorry but I don't think this would work might suffice

[Tstrbrainer]

Why are you going out with every guy in the city?

You need to be more selective, I guess 😅

[Alyssa11]

Because I’m single and I want a boyfriend :(

[Tstrbrainer]

So you go out with every guy in the town?

[Tstrbrainer]

How many exes cheated on you by the way?

[Alyssa11]

No I just get hit on by lots of guys — in the most humble way possible lol. But seriously I do and now I want a boyfriend so I’m taking my chances.

I’ve been cheated on for real once. One of my exes used to talk to other girls on social media but I’m not sure if that’s cheating in the real sense.

[Alyssa11]

The one who cheated actually physically slept with someone else

[Tstrbrainer]

What about other exes?

[Tstrbrainer]

What happened with them?

[Alyssa11]

Ones a drug dealer and abusive. And ones married. I know how to pick them don’t I loool

[Tstrbrainer]

And you say you want a guy who respects you and picks a drug dealer.

Don't go for dates anymore till you learn to pick

[belle_kai]

Better you know now. People will show you who they are when they don't get what they want. Always.

[Jayplays900]

It's gonna hurt, either way, just don't drop him down so hard that he goes full incel mode and shuts himself away for 3 years.