My partner is messaging a girl calling her "gorgeous" "hell of a catch" in his message, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

I've seen a message where my partner has messaged a girl who he works with at times (goes to different locations in job) and in this recent message he tells her "keep your head up gorgeous" and also saya "don't settle for less and she is one hell of a catch." I've seen inappropriate messages before come up on his notifications and spoke to him about it, and then I see this one today. Apparently she is having marriage problems. I've interesting in outside perspective. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

This is where you created a boundary:

'I've seen inappropriate messages before come up on his notifications and spoke to him about it...'

Now it is time to enforce it. It is really as simple as that. Problems arise when instead of enforcing the boundary, you attempt to repeat steps 1 again showing that your boundary means nothing!

[Asker]

Thanks for your advice.
I feel like I am at a crossroad here, this is the time i need to make a decision about how to manage my response.
It feels like I almost have to give an ultimatum, which I feel is awkward and uncomfortable, but clearly he doesn't respect me based on this surfacing up.
I feel torn, hurt and confused.

[Opinion Owner]

Giving an ultimatum is the same as not enforcing the boundary that you set. You've set the boundary, he did not respect it, now you have not enforced it. Therefore an ultimatum holds no weight because you still have not enforced it.

FilmGuy93's response is the same... you've already told him you aren't comfortable with it so already set the boundary. Repeating the boundary you originally made is useless.

This is a test of how much you value yourself, self esteem and more. As soon as you have to tell someone how they should be treating you (ultimatum) then unfortunately things are unlikely to work.

This is also an opportunity for you to explore what it is that you fear, that is preventing you from enforcing the boundary. When you are with the right person, either you will never have to create such boundaries, or never have to enforce them once you've given them one chance to remedy their mistake.

[Asker]

Just wondering from your perspective as a guy, do you think he is flirting, is this conversation inappropriate behavior, is he testing the water with her for an opportunity...

[Opinion Owner]

It's more subtle than your average flirting. It is definitely inappropriate unless he's single and is stepping towards emotional cheating.

[Asker]

We've been together for 6 years, I would have considered our relationship quite serious and he seems happy from what he told me.
He has a history in his past with ladies, so this situation is stirring up uncomfortable feelings.
He is very charming and knows how to draw in the ladies, also well liked by men, let's say has the gift of the gab.
The lady he messaged, flirts back with him and she is married.
I don't mind being friends with the opposite sex, helping them through hard times as this is a good quality, but when this context is used I feel very concerned and I feel like it is testing the waters but I am very old fashioned and I am careful how I interact with guys to ensure no mixed messages are made, so I just wanted to clarify that my response and assumption were not off track.

[Opinion Owner]

The lady flirting back with him is also encouraging her to place her energy elsewhere instead of her marriage. He's also doing the same by entertaining it. You said 'he seems happy from what he told me.' but words are cheap unless actions back them up.

When a man is charming, he has the upper-hand because few men are (most don't know how to flirt / seduce). But in time he should realize that he has a responsibility to be careful how he uses his charm.

What did you mean 'He has a history in his past with ladies'?

[Asker]

Thanks you articulation is very good and makes sense.
In regards to the past he cheated multiple times on his ex-wife which I found out later in our relationship. He said he's grown out of it and matured and doesn't have any interest in that lifestyle anymore... I believe this and accepted he took responsibility and with him coming clean took this as mature attitude. He also said it's one of his biggest regrets.

When I saw this message and other ones of theirs in the past I am concerned that thwir communication is entering dangerous territory. I'm not happy about the communication because I feel like both of them would know this is in appropriate interaction when you're not single.

[Opinion Owner]

Part of being in a relationship is also having the maturity and boundaries to avoid questionable situations. If he is entertaining such communication then he is failing on the most basic level of being in a relationship based on trust. Communicating with a woman in a failing marriage is one of the best ways of creating an emotional connection. Then the fantasy on her part will creep in and then it progresses to more.

But this all comes back down to the fact that you've already told him this behavior makes you uncomfortable and he's still doing it...

[Asker]

You're right, he is respecting or listening to my boundaries, he is carrying on his behavior still and carrying on with the behavior:-(

[Asker]

Isn't*

[Opinion Owner]

How many times did you tell him to stop? Since no one is perfect, I think it's reasonable to give a person at least 1 chance to rectify their behavior. But it depends on what it is.

Having to tell someone to 'treat me with respect' kind of defeats the objective if they only do so when asked to.

[Asker]

When I saw the messages earlier in the year I spoke to him about it, he acknowledged they were inappropriate and said he would reassess the manner he was interacting with this girl (Jan 2022)
I've left it, thinking it was heard.
Then I saw this message the other day (August 2022) referring to her as, gorgeous and then, you're one hell of a catch (seems to be still having marriage problems and discussing with him), emolis following with 💖 etc
Like I've previously said, I don't mind him talking supporting communicating with her, it's the type of communication, seems crossing the line and flirty to me... I'm interested in outside views, hence asking here for opinions before I explode 💣 cause I'm quite upset and hurt that it's not happening.

[Opinion Owner]

Then it is clear your only option is to enforce your own boundaries. If you do not do this and you remain with him, then he has no reason to change any behavior because you've now communicated that your boundaries mean nothing and your words also mean nothing!

Then he will simply act in any way he sees fit without repercussion.

[Asker]

Correct, you speak a lot of sense.
Thanks 🙏

[FilmGuy93]

Just tell him that you aren't comfortable with the way he's talking with the other woman/women and that you want him to stop.

[Ukrainiangirl7]

Tell him to please stop talking to her. This is how cheating starts. I’ve read and seen this before. They talk about their marriage or relationship problem and the guy tries to help them and then they entertain her instead.

[Sandeeppingping]

Wouldn't throwing him right at the ukrainian and Russian border be a better idea?

[Ukrainiangirl7]

@Sandeeppingping is it bad that I laughed at that? Seems a bit petty, but I don't know.
But no, considering there’s a lot of my fellow people that have died it’s not really the best joke. Also, we don’t know if that guy has actually cheated or not.

[Asker]

Your bang on there, I feel like it's testing waters.
If he dropped the "gorgeous" and "you're a hell of a catch" and context was just hope you get things sorted and I'm sure he won't want to lose you then it would have seemed more appropriate support and communication.

[Truthatanycost]

How many times is she going to tell him the same thing?

[Asker]

@Truthatanycost
I don't know I can't answer this question.

I do know she is enjoying the attention and is clear to him with him she likes it, lots accompanying the responses with xx's and 💖 love hearts in responses that I've seen.

[Ukrainiangirl7]

Wait, who is sending the Xs and 💖? Either way, one of them is cheating for sure.

[Asker]

Both of them are putting it in the content of their messages.