Do you think he still has feelings for his ex?

[Anonymous]

He was in a 3 year relationship with someone and they broke up almost 2 years ago. I always ask him if he’s over her and he says that he is.

he says he isn’t looking for a relationship with anyone mostly bc of work. He “likes” talking to me but he hasn’t opened up and he doesn’t really talk to me.. he said he doesn’t want a relationship bc he knows he’ll be a bad boyfriend and work is his main priority

He says that he’s so over her
He actually misses her sisters more than he actually misses her
He says he feels indifferent towards her. He doesn’t hate her but he doesn’t love her
He also said that he only thinks of her when I bring her up. She doesn’t really cross his mind

He’s been honest about everything with me and I do feel like he would tell me if had some feelings for her.. but again I don't know. I really want to believe that he just doesn’t want a relationship

They still follow each other on social media

[xColinx]

*some* feelings would be totally normal but after two years he's probably "over" her as far as romantic/emotional feelings go. And tbh he might thinks it's weird that you bring up the topic. If you're interested in having a chance at dating him I'd say give him space, DON'T bring up his ex, and just talk with him more naturally & casually about current topics.

[Asker]

I agree. We stopped talking a week ago. I have some issues to work on and he didn’t want to sleep with me bc he felt I was vulnerable.. but he says he cares

I had said something rude and he ended up telling me the truth about myself. He said he thinks I’m lonely angry and insecure.. and I am. Im not ready for a relationship

But we had initially agreed on friends with benefits but I ended up wanting a relationship and he doesn’t so he said he didn’t want to hurt me in case it didn’t happen

So I’m accepting his rejection

[xColinx]

Sounds like you have a realistic mindset about the whole thing, which is obviously good. So yeah, maybe try to pump the brakes on everything, maintain a casual friendship if you're both open to that, and see where things might go a little further down the line.

If you don't mind me asking, where is your anger and insecurity coming from? A bad experience in a previous relationship?

[xColinx]

No pressure to answer that last part if you don't want to. I'm not trying to be too nosey. But if you wanna chat about it, feel free to DM if that's easier.

[Asker]

To answer the first part.. I really, really like him. I don’t like guys that often.. like genuinely , but him I do. I do think he cares and we both admitted to having a soft spot for each other… but he sees me as a friend. He also doesn’t hesitate to let me go so I can’t fight to stay if he doesn’t really care in the first place.

Part 2 - All of it genuinely stems from my childhood and experiences with guys. Just never feeling enough or men would choose someone else

[xColinx]

So the friends with benefits thing never went anywhere? If so, that seems like a good sign that he genuinely cares about you, rather than taking it as an opportunity to hook up with you and then move on.

[Asker]

No it was fine! I just struggled with feelings of self love and rejection as a child. I had a good childhood but I had some issues with my parents.

No the friends with benefits went no where and I was upset that he didn’t want to because I thought he wasn’t attracted to me. He said he felt “concerned” and he felt like things would have gone worse as far as my feelings and mental health.

But I’m not the one for him. He always wishes me well and says “I hope you’re happy” “I want the best for you” yada yada lol

I’m sad about it. I cursed him out and said some awful things bc I was hurt.. but I’m slowly accepting it and moving on

[xColinx]

It's probably best for both of you the friends with benefits thing never went anywhere. For you, it seems that would have only made the emotional frustration more intense if/when it wasn't going to work as a legit relationship.

But I don't think you necessarily need to slam the door shut on the whole thing. People change. We're emotional creatures, even dudes, whose thoughts & feelings can be very fluid.

[Asker]

Yeah but it’s him. We kind of both agreed it was best. I keep getting angry at him. He already stated what he wants. I don’t want to keep being angry at him and disrespecting his wishes. He respected mine. he's a firefighter. We were talking when he was just probationary. I understand his job is really important to him right now so I’ll let him be

If it’s meant maybe he’ll come back but I know he’s not coming back

[Asker]

Yeah it would have made things worse bc I like him and he doesn’t want a relationship. I am also a virgin and felt safe with him

[xColinx]

You might have a much better read on the situation but as a guy, I think the work thing is a convenient excuse. Not saying his job as a firefighter isn't extremely demanding, especially early on as he breaks in as a rookie, but again as a guy that wouldn't be a deal-breaker for a relationship.

But the rest I agree with you on... move on (or at least give him space type of thing) and see what happens. Ideally I'd say you could stay in touch in a casual, friendly way but I also get that your emotions get amped up and it's difficult to not let the anger come into play.

[Asker]

Yeah it’s def a excuse but he said that’s the reason why his relationship of 3 years ended because he said that she was upset that he put his career before her.. I guess before he was a rookie.. so I don't know

He said that the reason he doesn’t want a relationship is bc he knows he’ll make a bad boyfriend..

But deep down I think he is hesitant about dating me bc …1. He appears to be emotionally unavailable 2. I am insecure , angry and lonely lol I don’t blame him

[xColinx]

Could be a combination of #1 and #2. Also, does he know you're a virgin?

No matter what, figure out how to focus on your own best interests. We all want a healthy, happy relationship but those are tough to find, and when any of us finds one, it's harder for it to actually last. So don't wait for that as some magic pill to cure your insecurity... what kinda activities do you enjoy? What makes you feel good about yourself? Working out? Work accomplishments? Spending time with friends?

[Asker]

Yeah, and that’s the honest reason why I like him so much. Most men are selfish and don’t care about the well being of anyone. Not saying that he’s perfect bc he’s not.. but he had admirable traits that I like in a man. I also appreciate him hitting me back with honesty instead of ego… he “hurt” me back by telling me the truth about myself. Did it hurt to hear yes and we stopped talking bc I cursed him out (😅) but it made me look deeper.

He knows I’m a virgin.

I have hobbies and interest but I’m ready for real companionship.

[xColinx]

I agree the way he's been able to communicate with you so openly & directly, but I assume in a caring way, is really a good sign of the type of guy he is but also how he feels about you.

And yeah, totally normal that you're wanting companionship and everything else that goes with a relationship. I'm on the other end, still upset the way my last relationship ended and not wanting to go there again for a while. Kinda crazy the ups & downs of life and how it sways our mindset.

[Asker]

So I still feel sad bc I don't know if it’s his ex, if it’s me or his job…

Maybe he really didn’t care bc care doesn’t leave you either.. I don't know what to think tbh

[xColinx]

I'd guess it's a combo of you and his job. Like I mentioned before, two years is a long time since he was with his ex.. I'd be surprised if that was still a significant thought/emotion for him at this point.

And by "you" I don't mean that he thinks you're unattractive and blah blah blah... just that like you've mentioned he recognizes some of the issues you're working through and that he's not confident it would be a healthy situation to jump into a relationship. Then you factor in his job and whatever demands/stress he's feeling from that and it's another distraction for him that would prevent him from eagerly pursuing something more serious with you.

I think your best realistic option is to somewhat move on psychologically but, if possible for you, maintain some level of casual contact with him, so that you at least keep that door open.

[Asker]

Yeah I agree totally!

Him and his ex have known each other for a long time. They grew up in the same church, but yeah. I think he would tell me if there were still some feelings. He’s pretty consistent with everything he says and his answers.

[xColinx]

Not saying things will somehow work out great with this guy but life can be unpredictable! Good luck with him or whatever other relationship opportunity comes along next.

You're easy to talk to, thanks for being so open. And if you have any other topics I can help with from a male perspective, just ask!

[Asker]

But I hope he doesn’t forget me. I know he’s not coming back 🥺

Thank you ❤️

[Asker]

Thank you so much!

Is that you in your profile?

[xColinx]

Yep... I just randomly found this site last week but I'm thinking of removing my photo because it seems like most peeps on here are anonymous or fake :/

[Asker]

You are a cutie! Lol

[xColinx]

Lol thanks. Are you pretty content with your physical appearance or is that part of your insecurity. I know girls have tons of societal pressure to meet totally unrealistic standards, which must be really annoying.

[Asker]

No lol. I def don’t feel 100 percent confident but I’m working on it 😭 it’s hard

[xColinx]

Well I don't know anyone who is 100 on the confidence scale... or if they are, that's probably a bit too extreme lol.

But yeah, working on it is good if it's healthy realistic goals.

[Asker]

I’m know there’s some things I can work on but I’m not horrible lol

[xColinx]

Random question but do you have a height preference for guys? Like a range you find most attractive.

[Asker]

I like tall guys. I am African American so I do prefer Afro men but I’m open to anyone.

Lol I’m 5’10 but the guy I’m talking about is 5’6 lol so maybe it doesn’t matter

[xColinx]

Wow you're tall! Which obviously isn't a bad thing.

[Asker]

Yeah lol 😁

[xColinx]

Did you play any sports or anything in the past? Like volleyball?

[Asker]

I know this is off subject but do you think he had feelings for me or more … or he was just being a good guy?

[Guy13]

This guy does not like you as spouse potential. We are not this hesitant. He’s not feeling it. You should consider moving on. I would already be avoiding you questioning me when MYOB is best…

[Asker]

I agree. We stopped talking a week ago. I have some issues to work on and he didn’t want to sleep with me bc he felt I was vulnerable.. but he says he cares

I had said something rude and he ended up telling me the truth about myself. He said he thinks I’m lonely angry and insecure.. and I am. Im not ready for a relationship

But we had initially agreed on friends with benefits but I ended up wanting a relationship and he doesn’t so he said he didn’t want to hurt me in case it didn’t happen

So I’m accepting his rejection

[Guy13]

Life is hard. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I know there’s an afterlife only because this earth 🌍 🌎 🌏 is such a hell hole 🕳

[Wise4myage]

Sounds like they are just friends.