How should I go about addressing the issue of honesty in a message to this person?

[Anonymous]

we had been friends for a while , but haven't talked for a bit. one of the big issues between us seemed to be a lack of honestly on her part. and i'm not entirely sure why she was like that with me and not other people.

anyways trying to write them a message and trying to figure out the best way to address the issue

should i just state it directly that they weren't honest with me about things or how should i go about this?

[SnowedIn]

Don't do it in writing. It will fail. Even if you are the best writer. Gotta be in person. Body language, context, nuance, etc., get lost in writing -- particularly topics like this. But, here's the problem: if this is just you feel she's not being honest, no matter how you phrase it -- written or in person -- you're just accusing her of dishonesty. Which might be true, but no one likes being accused. If you know factually that something was dishonest, then address that one behavior/thing. But not a whole person. It won't go well. And not in writing. It won't go well.

[Asker]

isn't really any or many options to see her in person , i'm pretty sure she knows that she was being dishonest with me about many things so not exactly sure why it be a surprise if i mentioned that to her in the message. i'm not going at her hard over it or accusing her of doing certain things. more she had a different perspective of things than i did and as a girl perhaps wasn't comfortable sharing certain things with me but that it left me with a poor idea what she wanted or was really like so i did't know what to do

[Asker]

its not a negative message , sort of like how are you doing , been a while , sorry for things that happened a while back , honesty issue and then mention that i found a new job.

have low expectations that she'd reply or anything like that , more doing this for my own piece of mind , think that i'll feel better after i send it and that it will provide some closure and piece of mind

[HateyouxD]

Nah. Maybe just ask her about it. If you have proof she lied maybe then ask her then why is it this way? And see if she gives you an explanation. But flat out accusing someone won't get them to speak to you...

[Asker]

more saying that i understand that as a girl there was certain things she didn't feel comfortable sharing with me ( which i felt were dishonest or lies in the sense ) and so it left me with a poor idea of what was truly going on or what she wanted so i didn't really know what to do

[Asker]

i'm not entirely sure why she lied to me about things , that i've never really been able to understand

[HateyouxD]

Maybe she didn't see you like you saw her. More like a stranger and s ol someone she couldn't trust

[Asker]

i mention that too in the message that maybe we had a different perspective of things , weren't a stranger to her , had meet a couple years ago and talked numerous times , her and her girlfriend's knew who i was

[HateyouxD]

But you guys weren't friends, best friends or anything... you both were just nice or associates. She didn't know you as in your favorite color... it doesn't matter... she didn't know you like that. What did she lie to you about anyway? What does she owe you?

[Asker]

i'm still not entirely sure what all she lied to me about , back then i i had talked to her many times and asked her questions about various things. she lied to me about going to a country concert and i could never understand why. she claimed to have no life outside of the place i normally saw her a ( pub/restaurant ) but i know that wasn't true , she wouldn't even tell me what her interests were

but when we had started out being friends there she had asked me to do shots with her at the bar and seemed interest so it didn't make a lot of sense to not even be able to get her to answer basic questions

[HateyouxD]

Oh love. That girl doesn't seem all too interested in you.

[HateyouxD]

Just because a drunk girl wanted to do shots? More shots with you? Especially if you're buying? Lol

[Asker]

some of the " shots " happened on very specific days , i recall one occured around mid Dec last year rate before x mas , she was sitting at table with her gfs and i came over and said hi and she was like do you want to do a shot. another occured on my bday which is in June , she was at work and i was at the bar she worked at and we did one together

[Asker]

the reason for sending the message is for me to find " closure " i realise that she isn't interested in me in the same way i was her , i'm very stuck on her and struggling to find any sense of closure , if this message brings some than its worth sending it i guess

[HateyouxD]

Dont do it accusatory tho. This girl absolutely didn't owe you anything.
Maybe just send her a farewell and how you wish you had the balls to ask her out. Hope to see her around sometime. And leave it at that. Dont hold your breath for a reply or anything..

[Asker]

thats kind of the goal of the message , i mention that i enjoyed our friendship and miss talking to her at the pub , its not at all negative , i have pretty low expectations that she'd reply or say much back

its not entirely a farewell as i'm not entirely sure if she plans to return to work there or not , it was the place where i'd normally see her

[HateyouxD]

Wish her well and go about your day friend. Matter of fact find another girl... I'm sure you're a really great guy! This girl ain't worth it. She refuses to get to know you. You deserve a girl who likes you just as much as you like her. Wouldn't that be amazing? Go out and find her! And it won't be at the pub

[Asker]

i don't accuse her of specific things or mention specific things i felt that she was dishonest with me about , more mention that i felt she was dishonest with me but realise that as a girl was certain things she wasn't willing to share with but that it left me with a poor idea what she wanted or clarity of where i stood with her back then

back then would of actually prefered if she or one of her girlfriend's had just been honest with me about things so i could of at least knew what was really going on and been able to move on with my life , instead i just got stuck on her but with a poor perception of reality since she had left me with a version of her that might not of been real

[HateyouxD]

Wish her well and go about your day friend. Matter of fact find another girl... I'm sure you're a really great guy! This girl ain't worth it. She refuses to get to know you. You deserve a girl who likes you just as much as you like her. Wouldn't that be amazing? Go out and find her! And it won't be at the pub

We all wish things happen the way we want but there's always a higher power around that makes what we want not happen and make it happen how it's supposed to. It's called life. You live amd learn from everything. And try not tonfuck up more than 3 times.

Do yourself a favor and just move on. YOU had an ever lasting fantasy with the girl. It was all in your head. Why can't you see that?

[Asker]

just sent the message , hope she reads it and actually understands what i'm saying , only time will tell if it brings me closure or not , feel better that i actually sent it though , its been on my mind for a while ,

[HateyouxD]

I wish you forever happiness and a stress reliefed life. You deserve all the happiness and sunshine buddy

[Asker]

we did know each other in real life but true there was an element of fantasy involved , we never liked dated. i never felt the whole thing made a lot of sense , even now not entirely able to understand a lot of what happened , i get that she wanted different things than i did and our perception much different but i still really liked her and though it was worth pursuing

[Asker]

haven't been to that pub much lately , after her kind of realised i was never going to find anyone there , at least not anyone worth getting into an actual relationship with so life goes on

[HateyouxD]

Exactly next time use and take this with you.
If someone you like is leaving you confused it's a not interested.
If it's real you will know you'll never be confused...

[Asker]

our conversations weren't always negative , the second last time i saw her this summer. we talked for some time that day maybe an hour or longer , i sat at the bar and she was working but she seemed ok with it and we seemed to get along really well but was other times when she was obviously not being honest with me. i'd ask legitimate questions and get answers which obviously were not truthful , she claimed to have no interests and not like any of the other restaurants in our area.

[HateyouxD]

because she didn't want you asking her out to any of them...
Who cares you guys spoke to eachother lol that doesn't mean she's now your girlfriend. You still act like this girl OWES you something when she doesn't. Do yourself a favor and cut her off like a bad habit

[Asker]

i always felt like she had lead me on and i wasn't really sure why as it didn't seem like she was interested in seeing me outside the pub. she had specifically asked me to do a shot with her on a couple occasions which gave me the impression she wanted to get to know me. i don't know what else any guy would of though of such encounters. i hope that i find some peace and closure in the coming days as i no longer have to think about sending her the message and that i made an attempt to clarify things in the message..

[Asker]

i wasn't implying that she owed me a relationship cause we talked there often or cause we had did a shot together. but her behaviour wasn't exactly clear or made a lot of sense in my view. i don't think any of the questions i asked her there were unreasonable or not suitable for the setting. i never asked her anything truly intimate or private. i don't think it would of been unreasonable for her to be more open and honest with me about things when she had the chance to talk to me in person there. it would of allowed for more clarity between us.

[HateyouxD]

So if her behavior wasn't clear what gave you the clear indication that she wanted you or even leading you on? Because I see the exact opposite. You're a man who doesn't get pussy. And it shows like I'm harsh but I say it with so much love. You need to get out there more. Cause if 1 girl says hi to you you are ready to marry her. Go find your hobbies and find a lovely lady there. You'll do much better that way than some pub

[Asker]

well these encounters occurred over a long period of time as i had known her for a couple years. maybe she was originally more interested in being friends earlier on than lost interest or something about her changed and i wasn't aware.

my point was there was a lack of honest between us , i feel very strongly that if she had been more honest with me , this situation could of been resolved and we both could of moved on with our lives without feeling bad about things. if she didn't want to date me , she should of told me that in private so i'd at least know her true feelings and been able to accept the reality of things. i don't know how i was suppose to read minds or signals from her to figure this out at the time. maybe to some it was obvious but to me i always felt we had a connection so it wasn't entirely clear

[HateyouxD]

Again, it's not her obligation to tell you anything. You have a lot of entitlement its ridiculous. Like yea how you feel about things are fair and all but it's more entitlement like she doesn't owe you anything and I feel strongly you may be autistic? Or some type of degree where you're totally in denial about the situation for what it was. Like this girl was just a hot girl who kind of paid you no mind. But you were so whipped over I don't know what you took the matter in your own head and day dreamed this fantasy where she really had no clue who you were. Did she ever call you by your first name? Or was it just a hey!! Hey you! Lol like get real please g
For your sake. Like I will always be here to talk but come on homie. Stop with this " we've known eachother for years if she would of told me" like if I would win the lottery... like you gotta stop wishing and dreaming and take shit as it is. How old are you? How many gfs have you had? You need practice and that's with socializing and dating. Go out and have fun like there's so much out there in life you just have to believe you deserve it c
Because this girl ain't it sir!!

[HateyouxD]

Sorry I just finished your message I couldn't read it before because what it seemed to me as entitlement but my apologies. Again I sti think you need to get out there more and practice. Because no one owes you anything

[Asker]

she and her girlfriend's know my name , i've been going to that spot for some time and first meet them all a couple years ago.
true she has no obligation to tell me certain things but wouldn't the situation have been better if she had just been open and honest with me?
true i likely did ignore some red flags and made some mistakes early on but everything could of been dealt with differently
and its not like she had to talk to me in person , she could of had one of her girlfriend's talk to me and tell me whatever the truth is about this person , at least i'd know and then i could move on more easily

i feel like her not being honest with me is her way of not dealing with me but by not dealing with the situation it perhaps just made things worse. as i was never able to fully understand things and never able to mentally find a place where i was able to feel good about this

[HateyouxD]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Next time you run into a situation like this just leave

[HateyouxD]

You know it's no good

[Asker]

it was tough cause it occurred in my hometown at a pub i had been going to for years , ( although she and her girlfriend's had only been there for a couple ) and there isn't really a lot of places to go here , so it was tough to find other things to do and it was tough to know what was real or not. and things felt different back then , than they do now.

sometimes people in my hometown are much different at work than real life and work is about making easy money during the summer months when its busier here.

[Asker]

and most of the time they were fairly nice / friendly with me , which may have actually been part of the problem. they didn't have the heart to tell me that i needed to find someone else or point out the reality of the situation so it created an unrealistic situation which was only real in the sense we all lived in the same area and went to the same pub

[HateyouxD]

I mean honestly it happens she probably kept you around because she knew or it was obvious how you felt about her.. it was an ego boost to her... what a shame.

[Asker]

i wondered too if maybe she didn't tell me off cause of restaurant policy towards such things or maybe she knew i'd just go or another girl and she wasn't ready to see me with someone else , so she decided to let the status quo drag on as to not deal with whatever would come after rejecting me

there does seem to be an ego thing involved , pretty sure she knew that i liked her and that provided her with the attention she craved

[HateyouxD]

Seems about so

[In_Trance]

I don't know why you're even bothering