When it comes to dating, do you take your own advice?

[Anonymous]

This question derives from an argument me and my best friend had last night. I’ve been in a relationship for about 8 months now and the whole time she’s made so much drama of it.

I try to be mindful of her, like for instance we argued yesterday because I’m not as available to hang out as I was when single. I keep telling her to ask me ahead of time instead of the day of so I can plan. She’s mad that we didn’t have to plan before, but things have changed. Now that I’m in a serious relationship and practically live with my boyfriend, I’m usually already busy with him and would need a heads up with my friend, even if it’s just a day ahead. She urges me to do things like ditch, cancel, or some other toxic thing and my problem is she would never do such things herself. She’s so boy crazy that her life outside of the guy hardly exists, even her own kids.

I’m not exactly asking for advice on that situation, but it did make me wonder how normal this is? Is it a selfish thing? Is it out of love? Like you’re advising someone you care for but wouldn’t do the same?

Updates

1 y

Sorry about the title, should be *Do* you take your own advice

Updates

1 y

Thanks for all of your advice, guys. I’m supposed to see her on Sat. She texted me this a. m. asking if we could hang out, I told her we need to talk. She won’t like what I have to say but we need space. Hope it goes well..

[Anonymous]

She is selfish, sounds toxic. A good friend would be happy for you, maybe try to go out w the both of you to have a good time. You should never have people around you who will drag you down. She sounds as though she’s already had all her fun, got knocked up a few times, men left her now she wants you to be miserable w her cause she had no one else. I’d talk to her, if she can’t understand this then I don’t think she’s a real friend. I don’t see an issue w you asking that she ask you in advance. Now if he was bad for you I could see her stepping in to try to help you realize he isn’t a good person. But I’m assuming he is if you’ve been w him almost a year.

[Asker]

Thank you for saying this really. I tried talking to her about it when I started noticing the behavior in October, she was super pushy and insistent. Since it was Halloween time and we usually to go to costume parties every weekend, maybe an event or two during the week, if work allowed it. This is when she first started saying I should ditch him, tell him I’m busy, but I’m not a good liar and I just don’t want to lie to him in general. She’s had bigger fusses since then but the fight we just had was last straw, so irrational. I have to agree, I do feel sometimes like she wants me to be miserable and “going through something” like she is, but I feel more mature than her when it comes to that, I don’t want drama in my relationship. It feels really hard to cut her off, she’s been like my sister for years. But your comment and the other has helped shine some light on things, so I appreciate you taking time to comment.

[Opinion Owner]

I can understand how you feel about cutting her off. But what next? What happens if she meets someone? Then you’ll be alone like her, hopefully wishing her the best like she should do for you. But she has to understand that there’s something in a relationship that can be provided for you that she can’t provide. What are you two to do, grow old together as long as she’s single? She has kids? Where’s her man?

[Asker]

It’s funny you say that, because she’s dealing with a guy she actually met a month before I met my current boyfriend, and he’s still given her no title. I think I’ve struggled with feeling bad because he’s horrible to her, like awful. At one point he even tried to hit her with her own car, it’s that bad. Her and I are on very different ends of the spectrum when it comes to dating, and she will deal with more bs than I ever would. So I think as a result, I feel bad all the time. She vents to me so much yet I can’t talk to her about a good thing my boyfriend did without her sulking. Through all our 20s, I never had a serious relationship because I was so picky. She was always the one going through something, never me. So I guess I’ve tried to accommodate her since this is the first time I can’t give her all my attention, and I’m like maybe it’s just a big adjustment. But now I’m realizing that maybe it’s never going to be equal, and if I can’t be there for her then it’s a problem.

[Asker]

Sorry for all this talking, but I appreciate you listening really.

[Opinion Owner]

So I’m starting to think for sure she’s toxic as hell. Especially if she’s attracted men like the one you speak of now. Too many people fail to realize it’s them who is the problem. A lot of the time, especially women, tend to tell each other he wasn’t good enough for you, or he was toxic, etc, etc, tend to be the ones who can’t look at theirselves to realize no it’s me. She’s probably one of those types. It’s your turn to be happy, she had her chances. Do what makes you happy. It’s going to be a hard pill for her to swallow but her negativity is bringing you down.

[Asker]

Thanks for saying that, I do agree with your points. I’m not sure how I’d go about cutting ties, it seems like whenever she notices I’m pulling away she hangs on tighter and makes me feel very guilty as though I’m abandoning her or something. But like you said, she’s got a lot of toxic, negative ways that don’t work for me anymore.

[Brando10222]

She's toxic. If she doesn't stop you should remove her out of your life otherwise it will affect you and your life.

[Asker]

She’s done so much toxic stuff. We’ve been friends since high school so in some ways it feels like an annoying sister, but this is the worst she’s been. Definitely might have to cut her off but it’s so hard, she’s like fam.

[Brando10222]

I feel you. But not worth having her around you

[Asker]

You’re probably right Brando. Thanks a lot for taking the time to comment🙏

[Brando10222]

I'm glad I was helpful. I wish you the best for your relationship! 😊

[SweetTwistedSatanist]

That's a bad friend. That's advice on how to get rid of your relationship. You live with someone, of course there needs to be planning. She'll understand if she ever finds one of her own... if.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

I don't give advice unless I've done it myself already and know it works (for me at least). Otherwise I'll just tell people to google it lol

[Guy13]

What advice…

[Asker]

You’ve never heard someone say ‘take your own advice’?