How to deal with an interest who isn't on socials?

[Monalisa77]

Its really difficult to figure out if theyre genuine or not. And even more so when theyre connections won't accept my follow request or post anything about them. I've had to resort to google! But even then i can't find anything. I only see them once a month

Updates

+1 y

Do people think its wrong to use socials to search ur family tree? Whats the difference?

Updates

+1 y

he's ON THE FRIGGEN WHATSAPP GROUP SO I TECHNICLLY HAVE HIS NUMBER!!! JESUS I've EMBARRASSED MYSELF IN THERE

[abc3643]

OMG... How did we do that for the past 2 million years before social media? Our species should have died out while we were still nomadic hunters!

Use your phone to CALL people. That's what phones were invented for. In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone saying in the first phone call "Mr. Watson, come here. I need you." and not "Mr. Watson, what are you socials?"

So, you call the person or, God forbid, visit them in person and talk - with your mouth...

[Monalisa77]

I don't have their number? it would look a little odd when I only known them a while

[abc3643]

OK, well, you should be able to get their phone number on the web although you might have to pay for that information which used to be free...

As for "look (ing) a little odd when I only known them a while."...
Well, that has faced young people for countless generations before you. You need to get past your fear of embarrassment and be proactive. Especially, once you love someone, the stupid petty teen/young adult fears about how something "looks" and worries about "judgment" are meaningless crap and are signs of immaturity and insecurity.

You worry about shit like that on the job where your reputation is critical to survival. In your private life, the only people who matter are you, your spouse, and your kids.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@abc3643
Amen. Oddly (sarcasm) none of my war buddies and I are on social media anyway because we're out taking care of business not posting stories about the sandwich I ate today and 30 different pictures. Women wonder why they can't find a good man now a days but look where they are looking.

[Monalisa77]

that would look v creepy, they could get mine through whatsapp but not sure id even like that as they didn't ask for permission? i like chatting to everyone and have an active life in general, people are surprised how much i go out to things,

i dont use socials to actually meet anyone, no dating apps. I've met this guy irl first and he suddenly started flirting.

[abc3643]

Stop worry about how things look.
If they look "bad" or "creepy", is it illegal?
If it's not illegal, don't worry about.

You know what happens when you stop worrying about how other people feel or "judge" you?
You experience this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLCEUpIg8rE

[Monalisa77]

As everyone judges, i dont want to put him off. If id cared more last time it might have worked out

[abc3643]

Please give us the details on what is going on. The way in which you are piecemeal giving us tidbits of your life and this "interest" are confusing.

Can you please flesh out who this guy is, how you know him, what the current status is in your lives, and what you want to do exactly?

I am under the impression you are interested in this guy and want to try to make into something more?

[Monalisa77]

Its on my recent qs, I've known him a while but only realized who he was last month after hevstarted flirting, he didn't even kbow my lasst name. We go to the same group

[Monalisa77]

Sorry im onba call n can barely c atm

[Monalisa77]

Im not 100% on him yet, id like a date or something to get 2 know him, i finding it all a little odd he's a dr n a footballer so im like y he's been acting like this sure there's loads of other girls he could go after

[abc3643]

You hardly answered any of my questions.

[Monalisa77]

I did most of its in the recent qs, there's not much to tell at this pt. he's just a guy whos suddenly started flirting with me outa nowhere

[abc3643]

You don't understand.
Perhaps answer specific questions one-at-a-time...
First, what is his first name so we can avoid ambiguity?
Second, where and when did you meet him?

[Monalisa77]

I dont like giving names out. U can make up one😂its at a group where we sit on tables, he only goes to the one once every month. he's sort of related to my cousins (through marriage, were not related in anyway) he doesn't know my last name so probably doesn't know this. I've never had a boyfriend or been near a guy so im a bit in shock/confused that im concerned im over reacting or there's some other motive for his behaviour.. most people dont go out of their way to talk to me, he said hello but he didn't choose to sit down beside me. We were fine talking to each other before this started now there's some awkward tension, he talks away to everyone else but I've noticed him staring at me or what it looked /felt like

[boggboss]

You sound like u have picked up some crazy bad habits with dating before and now like to police a partner over actually getting to know them

[Monalisa77]

Never dated anyone, thats my issue! Lol

[Monalisa77]

Got my heart broken a lot though!

[boggboss]

That u can't do prior research on a guy and it being a issue shows u don't know how to get to know someone in a healthy way

[Monalisa77]

Most people just ignore me when i try to talk to him. I was in shock he was even flirting with me

[Monalisa77]

**them

[boggboss]

OK I see

[Staximus]

You can't get your heart broken by somebody you've never dated

[Monalisa77]

Erm yes u can? The last guy i really liked blocked me on socials and completely cut me off. How could i not be heart broken over that?

[boggboss]

How did u get so attached before u started dating?

[Monalisa77]

As i said most people ignore me, almost none of my family make any effort to be around me, most of my high school friends ditched me. And I've been bullied most of my life. Any kind of affection from a man, people i tlel say he's only being nice, he xant possibly be flirting with me! Its like they assume no guy would ever be interested in me. I also get comments like dating isn't all its cracked up to br, just being nice in saying u won't date anyway

[boggboss]

Seems odd everyone including family don't want to speak to you is it anything u are doing to push people away

[Monalisa77]

I have a lot of health issues and people just assume im. Being lazy or rude/disrespectful. Im always nice to people but too many judge u if ur not perfect

[Staximus]

@boggboss exactly
https://youtu.be/_4szU0Xqg2o?feature=shared

[boggboss]

But nobody is perfect and it's not normal for everybody in your life to essentially abandon you thats why I'm asking how do people think u are being lazy or disrespectful what do u do that makes them think this

[Monalisa77]

Just cos I'm trying my best to stay alive, atm I've got dizzy spells where my body moves when I'm not but there's some people Who wouldn't believe me they're insensitive

[boggboss]

So somehow you having dizzy spells or body not moving comes off as u being rude or disrespectful?

[Monalisa77]

Yup cos I wouldn't be able to help people or do things for myself

[boggboss]

I see and this was with family also

[Monalisa77]

Even my mum lol

[boggboss]

I would bet their is much more going on to that effect

[Monalisa77]

? im a v honest person but i dont spill everything about me online lol

[boggboss]

Which is fair enough but again its nit normal for all people in your life to abandon u which is why I was trying to work out simply why but I hope things work out for you

[BoopBoopBeep]

You quite literally will never date anyone going about it like this.

[Monalisa77]

ye not much u can do if there's so many horrible people in the world! i try to be nice all the time but people throw it back in ur face. u try to make an effort to make friends but people just dont want to know. thats why i end up falling for the guy who puts in an effort and shows me attention cos hardly anyone else cares

[BoopBoopBeep]

@Monalisa77
You expect people to believe you have dizzy spells, etc, but you don't believe what they say and have to stalk them on social media. Do you not see how this could be off-putting to guys?

[Monalisa77]

i dont understand what u mean, I've not disablieved anything he said. he's not even on socials so i dont see how im stalking. and i said i did google for my family tree (as he's on it were just not related) i just wanna know if he's single. id look a fool for going after him only to find out he's got a girlfriend and i read the signals wrong

[Monalisa77]

i tried the in person way, i asked my couson to try and find out but she hasn't made much an effort even tho theyre cousins, she said she feels too uncomfortable asking him, i dont see why its a problem asking ur cousin if their single? lol

[Monalisa77]

I've had some advice on here that u need to be careful when it comes t guys, even thos ur family knows, they could still be a rapist or what not then now im getting told to just go with the flow and trust a stranger?

[kylee2437]

How do you truly know if anyone is a genuine person? Plenty of men I know that have social media , don’t use it in a negative way but are still not so good dating choices.

[Monalisa77]

True but at least i could do some research into their history with women, can't even find out if theyre single or not

[kylee2437]

@Monalisa77 how so? Women that do this look up followers and such and assume , self sabotage etc. Give it time, and be willing to learn about someone naturally

[Monalisa77]

It depends, if i found out he had a new girlfriend eveey week that would be a red flag, but if he had long term ones that ended a while ago it would at least show theyre committed

[kylee2437]

You can come to those conclusions by simply asking questions. By you looking that up via internet anyways that just opens up so many cans of worms for assumptions.

[Monalisa77]

It would tell him im interested and its still early days, im not sure if he's interested yet. I tend to fet too sucked in too early, so by finding out if someones a jerk it saves me getting my heart broken

[Monalisa77]

If i had done this with my last one, it might ha e worked out as i wouldve realized they were a genuinely nice guy and id not had lashed out

[kylee2437]

Sounds like something you need to work on personally. How about taking time to get to know someone before falling for someone based on social media aspects? Sounds counterproductive to think you know someone based on self sabotage

[Monalisa77]

Yeh like i said id done that before and ruined my chances. I get paranoid a lot, im already paranoid he's seeing some other girl even tho my cousin said they weren't

[Monalisa77]

No i liked the last guy a lot before i looked him up, u hear so many stories guys are just out to mess u about and this one came as a surprise so im finding it hard to believe

[kylee2437]

So from what I learned personally, you will never truly know. All you can do is be yourself, try to learn about the other person and if they end up dating someone else, that’s just apart of the dating world. Your attachment has to do with your fixation to stalk instead of giving a person space and taking it day by day and asking them questions

[kylee2437]

Was it something even worth turning him away for?

[Monalisa77]

I dont think its stalking, loads of people look up their interest on socials. And if anyone asks ill just say im looking up info for my family tree (yes he's on it but were not actually related lol) i judt can't wait around for another month of hoping he's single

[Monalisa77]

The last guy? No cos i got my assumptions wrong and i nevwr apologise d in person

[Monalisa77]

***liking someone a lot can affect my sleep, and even more so if i found out he's not even available. I even tried to ssk him out straight away when he started flirting but it didn't come to anything (im just too shy to ask him out directly)

[kylee2437]

But then you are lying to him because you don’t want to be a grown up and ask questions lol you seem sweet but you have some red flags meanwhile you are looking for other peoples red flags. Until you understand self sabotage is counterproductive, dating is going to be very stressful for you

[Monalisa77]

I will try ask next time i see him but my mouth clams up and i can barely say two words, its pathetic. doesn't help i was bullied last week by someone i thought i was close with so it seriously knocked my confidence

[Monalisa77]

I think id be fine once a guy makes it clear he wants to go out n listens to me etc it sjust getting to that point is stressful lol

[kylee2437]

Confidence. You can’t claim you want an emotionally stable good partner and show signs you aren’t going to be one yourself

[Monalisa77]

I'm improving all the time, I not saying anything will work out long term, but going for a drink or on one date can't even too much to ask for. I might not even like him that much in the end!

[BoopBoopBeep]

@kylee2437 Thank you for being rational. There's not a single man I hang out with, and some of them are 20 years my junior, who hangs out on social media. Between going off to war, chopping wood for the winter, growing crops and fixing whatever on the house needs work, or building whatever part of furniture is needed, I'd rather spend my free time with my rescue kittens then updating my silly status.

[Monalisa77]

having socials isn't a bad thing, u can connect to people across the world etc find out information about things

[Monalisa77]

what did u do during covid?

[provokeesmokee]

If you require social media, don't date someone who isn't into it.

[Monalisa77]

i dont, i only use it cos im bored lol! and for work/research purpose, i could probably quite happily live without it if i had a boyfriend/friends irl. its just so much harder to find people who are willing to talk to me irl.

[Monalisa77]

i think the only reason he's not on it is cos he's a dr, plus he could have one under a fake name for all i know..

[provokeesmokee]

Nah, I think you have a weird expectation that most people use social media like you do.

There's a lot of people - especially a doctor - who just don't give a shit about it.

If you are suspicious, do him a favour and move on.

[Monalisa77]

Im easily paranoid. I go to the same event he does, i was curious, when he didn't choose to sit down near me i presumed i was over reacting. Plus, does this mean noone in the world would genuinely like me, there must be some motive for any guy to start flirting with me. If i shoot down every guy over my paranoia, ill never go out with anyone

I know not everyone uses it, but i dont know what do they do in life otber than work or hang out with friends etc it can't be that exciting, u can't find things to do without socials. What did people do during covid without it

[Monalisa77]

As like i said, if it wasn't for work/research purposes, i wouldn't use it.

[Monalisa77]

U might be right that i might not end up liking him that much, but he seems like a nice guy from the outside so as i said im curious

[provokeesmokee]

So you're not only crusing on this guy who probably has no clue who you are, you're trying to stalk him on social media and you're salty he doesn't have it so you can stalk him...

Right.

[Monalisa77]

So im not allowed to find out if he's single? Im gonna make a fool of myself over someone who might jave a girlfriend already. And other people tell me. To do research /background check so he's not a weirdo rapist or something..

[Monalisa77]

He does know who i am, weve known each other a few months to a year

[Monalisa77]

Its not like i didn't try, i asked my cousin to try and find out but she hasn't. i o ly see him Once a mo th and if i ask any of our family members theyre gonna assume im interested

[Monalisa77]

As i keep saying, he started flirting with me. Or what i presume is flirting.

[Monalisa77]

I didn't put that in this comment box so u mustve read it somewhere else. Ur tleling me u never searched a guy u like online for their socials?

[Monalisa77]

If i didn't try and find out, then made a move/asked him out, he went out with me only id find out later he had a girlfriend. That said girl could come for me having a fight with me and make my Life hell. No thanks

[Monalisa77]

Or he asked me out, and said he didn't have one. only he did, i wouldve been able to find out for sure online. U hear all sort sof stories whrre men lie irl bUt online the truth is there for all

[Monalisa77]

Im only protecting myself from getting my heart broken. I can't afford that to happen again

[sheikalana]

It's very rare to meet people who are not into social media. That's a blessing to me.

[Monalisa77]

Lol he's a dr so likely y he doesn't but its so frustrating