Why would a guy still talk to a girl knowing he likes trans women…why not just come out…?

[Anonymous]

I have no issue with who he wants but why can’t men be open and honest about who else they like…before dating you.

[Dr_CEI]

Many men secretly like trans women, I see the attraction myself but it is very hard for guys to share secrets like that for fear of others finding out and the taunts they may get. I'm bisexual and the only people I've told are my wife (eventually) and my female best friend. Just encourage him to talk about it and don't shame him. We can't help what we like

[Asker]

Eventually … mmmm

This is why marriage is scary… if you felt that way you shouldn’t have married her. That’s unfair to here

It’s not about shaming… if you love someone you should always be honest from the jump.

[Dr_CEI]

Don't get me wrong I never cheated on her, and we have engaged in swapping and swinging and she has actually encouraged me as she watched

[Asker]

Y’all are that weird couple

[Dr_CEI]

To you maybe, we all have our own kinks and fetishes and i've always found it best to accept them. If you don't like something just move on without judgement

[NamerOfStars]

Because that would mean telling your orientation to everyone you interact with. Are you under the impression that he'll only be attracted to you?

[HollyK21]

We don’t know if it means anything that she was trans. How are you doing love?

[Asker]

She was trans her page said TRANS …. And she looks manly in the face

I’m better tho sis💖 better than yesterday

[Asker]

She’s fully naked and sucking a 🍆

[HollyK21]

I’m saying, even if this woman is trans, I doubt it would have any relation to how things happened between you and the guy. It’s just entirely separate and I know that you’re still trying to make heads or tails of this whole thing, but fixating on that aspect is pointless. I only use that word since it seems to have caught your attention, as you’ve mentioned it a few times prior. It’s better to keep focusing on moving on from this whole thing. Also, I’m glad to hear you’re doing better! Take it day by day, and do your best to look forward, not to keep looking back. Leave that man it 2023! Lol start fresh hun.

[Asker]

No I’m mentioning this bc he’s gay… I know it had nothing to do with it but… he wasn’t open about his sexuality

And yes he just wanted sex.. i don’t understand how you don’t see that. It frustrates me

[HollyK21]

Are you insinuating that if he’s not into you he must be gay? Come on now, that isn’t fair. Okay so he follows a trans woman, who knows who that person is to him or if he’s even aware she’s trans. He won’t be the first or last man to follow several of those IG models or only fans stars, and sometimes men aren’t as observant as us. There are genuinely some trans women I would have never guessed were previously a man. Like Carmen Carrera, I didn’t know she used to be a man, meanwhile my friend called it out immediately, saying she had a 5 o’clock shadow and Adam’s apple lol but I personally couldn’t tell.

You may take my responses as defending him or not seeing your side, you told me that before. But I am genuinely just unbiased with my views, I’m not in my feelings how you are so I’m able to look at things from another perspective that you can’t right now. Sorry if my feedback is frustrating but it comes from a genuine place of positivity and trying to be helpful to you. I wouldn’t comment if that didn’t matter.

Like I’ve said, I don’t think sex was his sole purpose but I do think it played a role, especially once you told him you’d be a placeholder. I know your intent at that point was just to talk, but I don't know if that was very realistic in the first place…

[Asker]

The woman says Trans on her bio…. It’s porn!

Can’t be that naive about it!

[Asker]

That is an issue… if we were together.. I have two beautiful amazing trans fam … I can’t trust him around them…

You don’t think men can manipulate you into a relationship to get into your pants? … I told him I was willing to take things slow… if he’s truly the man you think he would have been ok with it. I wouldn’t have got dumped bc sex wasn’t on the table

[HollyK21]

That’s the thing — “the man you think”. After only two weeks, you hardly knew the guy. Of course things are shared through conversation, so I’m not talking about information. I mean knowing him personally from time spent, you never got to that point. His whole background is a mystery, you’re drawing conclusions for no good reason. You two just weren’t a match, why can’t that be the end of it? There doesn’t have to be a deeper meaning or something wrong with you, it just happens love. As for if men would manipulate to get into a relationship, sure it happens, but in most cases no, because relationships take work and sex can be found anywhere. At least that’s how I see it lol.

[Asker]

Yeah men do that and dip.. but it does hurt…

This isn’t fair.. my feelings are hurt… I didn’t want this… I find t want to talk to him bc I knew I was emotionally ready… I should have stuck to my boundaries… I shouldn’t have allowed my to get lowkey played…

I had sexy pics up ofc I shouldn’t have actually trusted him to be genuinly interested…

If he told me that he didn’t want to sleep with me bc he was scared I’ll be crazy then why was I rejected bc we didn’t sleep together? And he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet bc he’s not where he wants to be

At this point you’re not being unbiased you’re being blind to a man who knows how to play the game very good and smart

Whether you believe me or not.. I truly don’t understand how you can’t see this when every man on multiple forums have agreed that he just wanted sex… he’s a user

[Asker]

You would have had me forgiving and fucking a man who wanted to use me..

[Asker]

Sometimes unbiased opinions hurt people

[HollyK21]

Probably because you do not provide the entire story each time you post about this, babe. I think our very first conversation has been the only time you mentioned every detail, or at least more of it. Now it’s scattered bits and pieces of what part of the situation in particular is hurting you most when you post.

I’ve never said I don’t believe you, I’ve never called you wrong or said anything against you. From the start, I addressed the areas in this situation where I felt you went wrong. I have said so many times that if he solely wanted sex then he’s wrong, but I don’t think that is ALL he wanted. I’m sorry that you disagree with this aspect of my viewpoint but it’s unshakable. I won’t vilify you or this man because it is truly not that deep.

You spoke for two weeks, went on a date, it didn’t go well, now it’s over. Every other aspect you’ve incorporated just doesn’t matter. There is no more talking or fixing, you got your closure after trying to contact him multiple times and multiple ways.

You are already struggling with your mental health and concerning depression, and it’s not about him at this point it is so much deeper. I check on you when I see these posts out of concern that this is still ongoing. I wish you would let this go..

[HollyK21]

Yes, unbiased opinions can hurt but it’s so much better than a lie. You’ve been running and running from facing your trauma, the minute I speak on it I’m hurting your feelings somehow. I say what I say to you out of pure concern and genuine care. You mentioned therapy, I think it’s very worth considering in a real way if you haven’t already.

[Asker]

If I may truly ask…. What have I made you think that that’s not the only thing he wants? I’m curious.. can you tell me or quote back something I wrote

Then I will let it rest for good.

[HollyK21]

You can ask me anything! It’s no issue. I understand your question, and my reference point would be within our first talk. Since I’ve made several comments and conversations since then, it’s way down my list and I can’t get my hands on it. Honestly though, please re read that conversation because I surely answered your question as to why I don’t think he only wanted sex. It may possibly be in our second convo on the second post lol but I definitely addressed this.

[Asker]

Which second post… I remember our first one but you responded that it was basically me putting all my craziness on him… and that he didn’t want to sleep with me

But he didn’t want to sleep with me bc he said I’ll possibly be “crazy”…. Which to me means that he didn’t want me to form an attachment to him.

Then he dipped bc we aren’t having sex….

It would have been nice to hear

[Asker]

Also like joking about me having a “collection” (dildo).. is respectful after letting him I hadn’t had sex in more than Year… when HE asked when I was last intimate

[HollyK21]

Sorry about the wait I went to bed lol. Maybe the better way to have worded that is “our second conversation”, because it’s more than possible you’ve posted about this and I didn’t see it, so while for you it could be another number, it was personally the second time I commented on your post about the guy.

It’s a bummer to me that out of everything I said in that first conversation: about you deserving more, putting your faith in god, healing, etc, your takeaway is that you feel as though I implied you “basically put all your craziness on him”, then continue to say things like “why can’t you just agree that he only wanted sex”, which is absolutely absurd and unfair.

I want to be clear as I can about my viewpoint, so that there is no longer a way of you misinterpreting what I’m trying to you. Yes, I wonder if the trauma dumping too soon was overwhelming. Yes, I think it was a poor choice to call yourself a placeholder, because while you were protecting yourself, it was degrading at the same time. It also helped shape whatever his intentions would be for you from then on out.

Ultimately though, I believe the date was the nail in the coffin. You were very nervous but as a result you were hardly talking, wanted him to order your things and all of this together (within 2 weeks of knowing you) was off putting for him. That is just my assessment, it is not fact and none of us (man or woman) can tell you a thing factually since we aren’t him.

[HollyK21]

I think he dipped out because it wasn’t going anywhere, and you told him as much. I understand the motive and that ultimately had a change of heart but it was just too late.

The whole joke about the dildo collection, him following the trans man, etc, is only being mentioned to try pushing this agenda that he’s gay, a user and only wanted sex when there’s more too it. You never mention your faults, you just post parts of the situation that you know people will agree about, therefore getting the validation and closure you feel he failed to provide. That is not the way to heal. You make progress by addressing where you went wrong so that this never happens again. I believe I’ve told you as much before at some point and you basically said you should go back to pretending to be a whore and potentially a cam girl. It’s so self sabotaging.

[Asker]

Hope you slept well. I figured you went to sleep lol

I’m listening to everything you’re telling me … I just think im trying to accept what happened and process it… It’s so hard not to take this personal… it’s hard not feel bad or like I’m not good enough. I’m just thinking pure negative thoughts about myself

It’s hard accepting that maybe you could have found someone who understands you and you don’t have to be so alone… then it all turned disastrous… like I predicted it would. That’s why I only wanted to be a placeholder bc I know it always ends bad..

He should have just let me go honestly in the beginning

He didn’t even respect me anymore.. sex wasn’t on the table he dipped …

And be honest.. if your fiancé was into trans or did any of this.. you would dip.

I never trauma dumped.. I just said I wanted to protect myself… he took advantage of that information

[Asker]

Sorry for the typos…!

[Asker]

Again if he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship but still wanted sex…? I’m not doing friends with benefits

[HollyK21]

“It’s hard accepting that maybe you could have found someone who understands you and you don’t have to be so alone”, this is the realist thing I think I’ve ever seen you say to me, because I truly believe this is the sole issue. It’s not about whether he wanted only sex or not, likes trans women or not, it’s about the fact that you’re sick of feeling alone and you thought you found your match. I understand your disappointment and of course I sympathize with it.

I just think you need to change your focus from him to your mental health and finding ways to surround yourself with love, not feeling alone.

You say he should’ve let you go in the beginning, but that only works if he only wanted sex. I think he was open to giving you a real chance in the beginning and it just fell apart. Of course if my fiancé was into trans women I would dip, but what does that part matter? You and this guy were hardly friends, let alone romantic in a way for that to have been an ultimatum. I don’t understand the necessity in repeating that he follows the trans woman, it’s unrelated to why you didn’t work..

[HollyK21]

Also I don’t mind your typos, notice how mine can be constantly riddled with them lol

[HollyK21]

I don’t recall you mentioning that he told you he doesn’t want a relationship. Where in the timeline does that fall?

[Asker]

On the date we sat down and he immediately asked me “what do you want”…. Like what is I’m looking for ect…. I think I told him to go first… but we both agreed that we weren’t ready for a relationship bc of life…

I told him in the beginning bc he did ask why I wasn’t looking.. I said that my job was important to me and that’s the reason I’m not really looking … I’m super stressed with it.

He felt like I was just copying him but I did mention that in the beginning.

[HollyK21]

Did the date happen in the beginning or end of the two weeks?

[Asker]

The end of the two weeks..

[HollyK21]

Okay. I ask because look at his question: “what do you want?”. To me, this says that despite whatever you feel was made clear on your end (like just wanting to talk) it was misunderstood on his.

That date was a lot of you letting him take the lead, so it made sense that he felt you were just copying him even when in your heart you knew it was genuine.

At the same time, I think a lot had been revealed within the two weeks. Realistically, it doesn’t sound like you had time for a man. You job is demanding and super stressful, and you flat out told him you weren’t looking, even if he felt like you were just agreeing with him.

I just don’t understand how a man who you allege deserves a high caliber woman, could be enough of a jackass to tell you he only wants sex and is dipping if he doesn’t get it. He can’t be the saint and the villain.

[HollyK21]

To be clear, I am only pointing out the areas I felt you went wrong because I’m trying to explain why I think it was more than about him not getting sex. When you talk to me about him, I just can’t find horrible things to say since there really isn’t much. You had some decent rapport up until the date, and it just didn’t go well since there wasn’t engaging conversation or the right kind of vibe. Sure we could pick for ulterior motives but fall short…

[Asker]

I think bc I told him I was wanting to wait until marriage…. That’s when he sorta changed… and even mentioned “my next guy..” (on our date)

He said “eventually “ have sex …. on the phone….

[Asker]

I’ve been trying to tell you…. you think he’s a saint…

[HollyK21]

I don’t think he’s a saint at all, I just think he’s a man who things didn’t work out with. I feel like based off what you said, the real change came after the date. Sure you two talked about sex (which I’d never recommend that early in) but it was both of you engaging conversation. If dildos and all that enter the chat, to me that is way too far. I’m the future, refrain from that the best you can. There is no need to act outside of your character for a man, because you aren’t the whore, cam girl or placeholder you’re trying to mold yourself into.

I’m some ways, you’ve portrayed this character you created to not only him but other men as well, now you’re hurting because it backfired. You don’t have to put yourself through that anymore.

[HollyK21]

I don't know why autocorrect insists on changing *in to *I’m lol good grief.

[Asker]

The only nice thing he did was call me after I sent that message and he did offer reassurance. Saying “im perfect”.. “there’s nothing wrong with me” ofc he’s just being nice but the rest felt like a gut punch.

[HollyK21]

I agree, compliments like that feel like some sort of consolation prize when the guy knows it’s the end. On the other hand, maybe he felt that was what you personally needed. Like you tried contacting him on your own after he ghosted, that didn’t work so you had your friend reach out, then came that whole comment about him not remembering you (which I’m sure was hurtful but I think some confusion happened since it was your friend who called and not you).

After this, you reached out again and I think that was when he decided to give you the closure because as he said, he didn’t like the idea of knowing he hurt someone (which sounds lame but whatever).

I don’t think anything but keeping him in your life as your man would have made you feel better. Because even once you got that finalization, you just can’t let him go.

[Asker]

But he lied… it’s not that it didn’t “work out” he was very smart in how he wanted to have sec with me… think about it..

The first thing I tell him is that “I don’t want to be used” “I’m vulnerable …” ect…. Ofc he’s going to play the game right bc I gave him the answers..

He played it smart… “what’s the safest way to interact with you” “I can understand if you’ve dealt with people who made you feel a certain way but you shouldn’t punish everyone for someone else’s sin” “I’ll end up liking you for nothing”…… round of a fucking plause.. he’s too good

I should have been smarter… no high caliber man would want a actual relationship with a girl who post sexy pics and labels herself a placeholder…

What he did was usuary and borderline predatory…

People don’t just “dip” on people unless their intention was to use them…

I say he cared enough to respond prob so I can fuck off.

[Asker]

The reason I can’t let him go is bc I want to prove to myself that I’m good enough fr… that I’m lovable and desirable… but I feel the total opposite and I’m trying not to feel that way…

After the last guys I talked to ended up getting married after saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship…when he said that on the date I knew right then and there…. He doesn’t want me.. and I just can’t accept it bc he made me feel like he really did..

[HollyK21]

“People don’t just dip on people unless their intention was to use them”

That’s only partially true because I for one have certainly dipped on men without having used them, I could just be disinterested or bored lol but I think many of use are guilty of it at some point.

I’m not sure how in your mind that’s him playing it smart and not just showing you decency as a man.

You say “I’m vulnerable” he says “okay so what’s the safest way to interact with you?”.

You say “I don’t want to be used”, and not only does he not use you (since you never had sex), but he says “I can understand if you’ve dealt with people who made you feel a certain way but you shouldn’t punish everyone for someone else’s sin”. Personally I can relate so much to that line because I say it all the time to myself and my friends. It wouldn’t be fair to treat a man who never cheated as a cheater just because I experienced it in the past. Just like it wouldn’t be fair for me to establish trust issues with a new man because my ex betrayed it so much in the past.

I promise, if I genuinely felt like this man whom I don’t know or have any attachments to was some type of lying scumbag, I would have zero issue saying as much. I just feel like you perspective is defensive and any accountability you take has to come with you simultaneously degrading yourself when it doesn’t have to be that way.

You should healthily be able to say “I talked to this guy for a couple weeks, we went on a date and it didn’t work out”. Instead it can’t be that simple, it has to be intricate and deeply hurtful. From a man you hardly know, you test this as an earth shattering breakup. This just isn’t healthy, babe. I worry.

[HollyK21]

Why does he determine your value? Like that is so bad, girl. You want him around to prove to yourself you are good enough, that comment alone says so much. It’s not about him anymore, you just want to feel valued period. That starts with YOU first.

[Asker]

What is there to worry about?

I’ve always been like this… I only get over it until I meet another guy I liked equally or more

[Asker]

I just feel like he can do better. I come off as probably slow or stupid… unattractive idk…. Boring uninteresting

[Asker]

I’m not very bright… I’m weird… I was confident on the phone bc I had no intention of meeting him… I should have waited

He knows he can do better and that hurts. It all hurts still but I have plans to start like pole dancing

[HollyK21]

Sigh, so because this didn’t work out I guess it’s time to hit the pole and start that cam girl career. My goodness. I truly wish you wouldn’t say such horrible things about yourself but I can’t stop you either so have at it.

[Asker]

Yeah something that helps build confidence

[HollyK21]

Yes pole dancing can boost your self esteem but for you, I don’t think that’s the way. You sexualize yourself so much already, whether it’s sending sexy pics, talking about sex and dildos with men, wanting to be a cam girl, none of this makes you feel good already so what difference would the pole make?

You need something more productive to boost your self esteem, like continuing your practice of self care. You got your gym membership, maybe consider a dream journal or finding a hobby that isn’t related to sexual things. Work on your connection with god, hang out with your female friends more often. There are so many things you can do to make yourself feel good, and it doesn’t have to involve waiting for the next man either.

[HollyK21]

There is plenty to worry about when you go from degrading yourself to talking about suicide. I hate so much that this is all triggered by this one man, he’s so undeserving.

[Asker]

Like you said it’s not about him… I just have deep wounds… I think rejection just triggered it

But I already felt this way before him …. I just don’t put myself in situations where I feel like I can be triggered but o well

It’s not about him being undeserving… it’s just.. wow I truly am that disposable.

[Asker]

I am struggling but there’s no need to worry. I just struggle … I always have. I had my first thought of wanting to die at age 9. He dodged a bullet… not that I was going to be crazy… I just thought I found someone who could have loved me through my issues and I thought he saw me as more than I saw myself.

Maybe I dodged a bullet… he could be closeted gay… but I still had feelings.

It’s not fair to keep talking about him.. you’ve been so helpful. Forgive me when I become frustrated. I’m just upset with myself.

I do hope he finds what he wants… but I hope he checks in with me from time to time.. but ik he’s moved on. I’m nothing to him

[Asker]

I just need to pop a xan to numb the feeling. The last guy I just drank … but I get over it eventually.

[Asker]

He did kind of devalue me in the end

[HollyK21]

It’s more than ok! I’m not taking it personally when you get frustrated because I understand where you’re coming from. For one, you are not disposable, especially in this situation because there’s nothing to be thrown away. I’d agree much more if this were an ex or even a situationship, but there was no chance for anything to get off the ground.

You saw a lot of potential in this man, but all you can do is have faith that god is making these moves in your life for a positive outcome.

Unfortunately, the deeper issues will continue to be triggered until you finally decide to address them. Even if you don’t necessarily put yourself in situations to be triggered, you never know what the thing will be to prepare for, you know? Like with this guy, you went into it already feeling like you were going to meet him or nothing was going to come from it. Now look, totally unexpected turn of events. Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready.

As for the guy, you’re giving him a lot of praise that you don’t know if he even deserves. There wasn’t enough time to truly know him, so you’re basing your emotions off what looks good on paper, when you think about it.

[HollyK21]

**feeling like you weren’t going to meet him

[Asker]

No I felt like what he did was a jerk move.. im not praising him at all! He kind of hurt my feelings.

Im just trying to stop obsessing over him…over what he thinks about me.

[HollyK21]

I definitely feel like saying things like you’re not good enough for him and he deserves a high caliber woman is a form of praise, wouldn’t you agree?

I do think ghosting is a jerk move no matter who it is, but what can you do? It happens, that’s why its best not to form attachments or set expectations too quickly. I wait for a good 2 months before I really indulge my romantic feelings towards a man.

By that point if he was being disingenuous or ill-intended, the facade would have worn off and I can tell if he’s really about me. A man won’t invest that kind of time into a woman just for sex, that’s why I wait it out, and maybe you should too.

[Asker]

I thought I did take it slow and wait it out… his facade came off right?

Looking back he didn’t ghost me in a way but he wasn’t interested

[HollyK21]

I don’t think you took it slow because you two were already talking about sex and dildos lol. I wouldn’t even mention that so soon. Instead I text minimally other than setting a date somewhere public and seeing how that goes. Based off that, I will either engage more or back off, but that first date I try to make happen within the first week, so I can cut ties if I’m not feeling it.

You really have to work on attachment and not to create it too soon. I will never fantasize about a future with a certain guy again, or give him credit that he didn’t earn. Why? Because he’s not doing that shit with me lol, men are not as emotional as us. I think it is something to try incorporating into how we as women date as well, and that is your real protection. Like you don’t need to ask a man not to hurt you or explain how afraid you are of that. He just won’t fuck you over, period, if he is the one.

[Asker]

No no …. Yes I took it slow… I was trying to get to know him… he started acting distant… I asked him why and he said he’s “just being careful”….. so idk…. (Before date)

I never mentioned anything about sex… he did.. and he didn’t say anything about a dildo he just mentioned me having a “collection”…. Which hints at it but he never said the word dildo… which that hurt my feelings bc now I’m realizing he has no respect for me.

I did mention sex… but I only asked if that’s what he’s really after.

[HollyK21]

Well, any of that said within two weeks, in my opinion, is the opposite of slow. Any time that I’ve had those conversations with men in that time range it never worked. The longest relationship I’ve ever been in is the one I’m in now, and it was several months before mention of sex. We made it official after 2 months, then that’s when those talks happened. I mean ZERO mention of it.

[HollyK21]

You didn’t have to mention sex at all, you could’ve simple asked “so what are your intentions for talking to me?”. This is just advice you can apply in the future. I usually ask that as soon as I can.

[Asker]

I didn’t ask the right questions… I just assumed… maybe I was scared to know his answer.

But he was primarily after sex like I’ve been saying. That’s his intention… some type of sexual relationship with no commitment

Again him being more worried about how I’ll respond after I have sex is worrying. If he really liked me that wouldn’t have been a main concern if he intended to make me feel safe after.

Instead he used a demeaning word “crazy” to describe me. Is he saying he’ll fck me so good? Lol umm

I’ve never been in a relationship so maybe this is why it hurts … never had sex never been kissed.. never been a guys number one

You’re lucky

[HollyK21]

Well, up until this relationship I was in the same boat, and that didn’t happen til I turned 29. It’ll happen for you as well, you just aren’t on your own time you are on gods — remember that.

As I said before, we will have to agree to disagree about his intentions, so please stop fighting me on whether all he wanted was sex or not. I absolutely considered your POV when I formed that opinion and the reason I disagree is because I think it all just went wrong.

In any case, none of this should be worrying any longer, it’s just said and done. It would’ve been nice to ask the right questions but there is no time capsule. You just have to look forward not ruminating over the past.

[Asker]

I just don’t want to live lowkey. I need to take a hit of something I don't know

He’s a jerk, lesson learned. Wish I never met him lol

If something happened to me I wonder if he would give a shit

But thank you for your help today. Hopefully this will be the last post.

[Asker]

Plus he was looking at the girl at the place a little so maybe he wasn’t attracted to me

[HollyK21]

There is so much more to life than being loved by a man, one day you will realize that! If something happened to you, the last thing you should be concerned about is whether or not this guy you knew for no time would care. What about your dad? Friends? Family? Doesn’t it matter more how they’d feel? This guy just isn’t all that, you don’t even know him. It’s better to write it off as a lesson learned, and work towards your betterment.

Also there is no need to thank me! If you ever need to chat feel free to message me, because I would surely check in again if I saw another post lol.

[Asker]

It’s not the weeks or days that mattered

It’s the thought and curiosity that mattered most. I felt like he displayed masculine traits that I like… but again… I don't know him.

Do you think the things he said in his closure were hurtful… like telling me we can check in every now and then or telling me he hopes I find someone who loves me the way I need ect…

[HollyK21]

I have to ask, what could he have said to you that would’ve been less hurtful? What words would have made you feel best during that last conversation?

[Asker]

Also you never put your position on him actually not wanting to sleep with me bc he was scared I’ll be crazier.. he did ask like … you don’t think you’ve been up and down” (something like that)… then he made a side comment that he doesn’t like drama

[HollyK21]

I don’t understand that question

[Asker]

Nothing at all… I would have liked a hug from him tho.

And I thought he was going to plan another date bc he asked if I liked fufu… he was telling me about his village language ect…

No fufu for me 🥺😭🤣💀 I’m salty

[HollyK21]

Did you see what I last asked? Possible you missed it..

[HollyK21]

Nevermind I see you commented, the notification comes through so laggy lol let me read it.

[HollyK21]

Well I mean, he could’ve said nothing at all but you were reaching out to him repeatedly, including through your friend. I don’t know about you but I suck at goodbyes, sometimes even apologies. I would like to hope that what he said to you came from a genuine place, because you two didn’t know each other well enough for him to hurt you on purpose. I don't know if I’d think those words were hurtful, but just the action in itself and the fact that it was the end. You really liked him, saw a lot of potential, so it hurts for it to be over. Fufu, is he African?

[Asker]

Why would he make the statement.. “ I’m scared to sleep with you bc I’ll be crazier”…. I felt that was demeaning.

I felt like he didn’t have any intentions of committing

[Asker]

I regret having my mother and my friend call.. I’m so glad he didn’t pick up my mothers call…

I’m embarrassed for myself… but he did mentions before that I appear unstable

[Asker]

Yes he’s African

[HollyK21]

In my opinion, even that topic alone is an example of going too fast too soon. Comments like that are cocky to me, he recognized that you were really into him and he made a joke that sex would send you over the edge. Was the comment in itself degrading? Absolutely. At the same time though, other sexual references had been made between you two already, this wasn’t out of the blue. I just feel like a tone was being set the whole time, and clearly he felt comfortable enough to say something like that. He shouldn’t have, but he did.

[HollyK21]

Oh no, I didn’t know your mom called. Did she call after the whole thing with your friend or before? How many times had you tried contacting him?

[Asker]

Well I was at the store and I saw a guy who liked just like him and everything at the store with another chick… he had his same everything and even had an accent just like him…. I kept coming close to them but all I could see was red.. I couldn’t process if that was him or not… but by his demeanor I don’t think so… I don't know still

It was like I didn’t exist…. It sent me into a rage tho … I had already felt sad and needed to get out the house to get some fresh air…

I didn’t contact him at all… my mom did first but no results.. it was on a private number. So ofc he didn’t answer

But my friend did and … well…

[Asker]

But he only said he was in the hospital when she called he didn’t really mention anything about it

[Asker]

The sex comment didn’t feel like it was coming from a place of arrogance.. he legit just seemed unsure if it were a good idea

[HollyK21]

Oh man… well like you said, it’s a blessing that he didn’t answer because I think it would’ve been excessive.

With his comment, I don’t think we was actually insinuating you’re psychopathic, it’s just the best word he could think of. I have an African friend and a Somalian friend, who are both ridiculously intelligent but still use the wrong words sometimes, it just happens I suppose.

[Asker]

Ik the whole trans things has nothing to do with this but what’s your opinion on it…

[HollyK21]

If he’s African then the trans woman thing becomes even less relevant in my opinion lol why? Because I’ve always known African men to be very masculine, they have zero interest in other men. If you grew up Christian then you have a small idea of how frowned upon gay black men can be, that’s an ideology Christian’s can be instilled with. So imagine a traditional African man desiring another man, I just don’t see it. I don’t think you really do either.

I’m not sure who that person is or why he’s following them, but I don’t think it’s worth noting, honestly.

[Asker]

Yeah but he’s here in the US away from his family.. I agree with the traditions… but I disagree that a straight African man would be following a trans woman who actually has pornagraphic videos of her… I do think he may be struggling with his sexuality… there’s a lot of “straight “ gay men…

I think he has a high sex drive… a too horny of a man will fuck a man.

She’s also in our city….

[Asker]

No true straight man would even follow… but whatever you say..

[HollyK21]

I mentioned this before but it’s possible he doesn’t notice she is trans. For you she looks masc in the face, to him maybe he just can’t tell the difference. If she’s performing pornos and he likes it then he is in the boat with millions of other men.

Why are you going so far with trying to create some reason it didn’t work with you two? Knowing he’s African, I do not think gayness is a thing, whether he’s around family or not, his morals are up to him. I won’t move to a different state or country and abandon everything I’ve learned my whole life…

[Asker]

It says she’s trans in her bio

[Asker]

Yes he’s active in the church.. he seems respected ect… I’m sure him being closeted would ruin that.

What’s done is done. He’s a jerk. He’s a jerk who doesn’t want me… I get it… I’m just curious.

I fucked up the date but also he didn’t value me or respect me..

[HollyK21]

Why does he have to be a jerk? I mentioned that he ghosted, but you said he didn’t really. I ask what he could’ve said to make you feel better, you say nothing. If he’s a jerk, then why does he deserve a high caliber woman? Why wouldn’t he just deserve bottom of the barrel women? I’m only asking because there’s so much contradiction, but I think it’s fueled from you trying to make yourself feel better. This isn’t really about him anyway, when you look at it…

[Asker]

Him looking at someone else
Him even having his phone out during the date..
him acting like he wasn’t going to pay at first but then he asked me what I wanted.
Asking if I’m “lesbian” bc of the whole placeholder.
Saying we can “check in every now and then” pure jerk
Calling me crazy
Pretending like he didn’t know me on the phone
Saying he didn’t want to go back and forth with me.

Just ugh

[Asker]

The collection comment and asking when I was last intimate with someone

[HollyK21]

Oh wow. Okay, I want to unpack what you’ve said, and don’t take any of it the wrong way, I am not trying to hurt your feelings. So here we go:

“Him looking at someone else”

Didn’t you say you weren’t sure about that part but it “seemed” like it?

“Him even having his phone out during the date.. “

Unless he was chronically on his phone, to only check it here and there isn’t “jerkish”. I try to envision the vibe, you just kind of there going along with what he says, and not talking much. It could’ve been a bit uncomfortable. I am guilty of doing this on a date, I have to admit. It’s just a reaction to feeling awkward and honestly that’s what the details of this date strike me as — awkward.

“him acting like he wasn’t going to pay at first but then he asked me what I wanted.”

What do you mean acting like he wasn’t going to pay? I’m not sure if this makes him a jerk, only because in this day and age splitting the bill or paying for your own meals is common. I am very traditional, so this would stick out to me as well. However, the men on this website have made me well aware that the tides have changed. I often see guys complain about paying, equal rights, feminism and all this bs as to why they don’t pay anymore. I am glad the guy in question ultimately took care of your meal, though.

“Asking if I’m “lesbian” bc of the whole placeholder.”

You’re wondering if he’s gay too though. I guess we could say that his forwardness was rude, but you are having similar sentiments as we speak..

[HollyK21]

Saying we can “check in every now and then” pure jerk”

I think extending the offer when he doesn’t plan to follow through was definitely unnecessary and as I said, a consolation prize.

“Calling me crazy”

Is this in regards to the whole not wanting to have sex so that you don’t become more crazy? If so, you said yourself that it seemed less out of arrogance and instead it was concern..

“Pretending like he didn’t know me on the phone”

Okay this part I really do think was a misunderstanding, I’ve said it so many times already but I will add it again lol. Since your friend called, he may not have made the connection between the name and you so quickly. At best, I think it says a lot about where you were on his mind, which wasn’t at the forefront how he’s been on your mind. Yeah that’s kind of hurtful, but it is what it is unfortunately.

“Saying he didn’t want to go back and forth with me.”

Didn’t you say that he told you that you misinterpret everything he says? Technically you and I have been going back and forth, rehashing the same things I thought I was clear about but I also feel you misunderstand. I think this is an emotional reaction on your end though.

Just ugh

[HollyK21]

I meant to say “just ugh — self explanatory” lol because I get how you’re feeling, I really do but I’m trying to be realistic in this situation and I can see both sides of how it all went wrong.

[Asker]

You really do love standing up for this man… I see your side.. I give up tho..

So you’re telling me that this guy wasn’t trying to just have sex with me… even tho he dipped when it wasn’t offered. He was interested in the beginning but the date and my behavior ruined it?

He was also rude for saying he has higher priorities going on and he’s stressed at work.. and in the same breath he tells me he’s trying to get closer to God… but he want premarital sex? Lol a joke

[HollyK21]

If something isn’t very realistic to me or making logical sense, I’m going to be honest with you about that and it doesn’t mean I am sticking up for him.

I just don’t think you’re going to be content until I’m right along with you calling him and jerk and piece of shit at this point lol at least give me something I can condemn him for that I haven’t already. With everything I think he did or said wrong, I acknowledged it. In fact when I called him cocky you said you don’t think it’s arrogance and came off like concern.

If I were to say that I’m not sure why it’s so rude that he said he is stressed at work, would that be siding with him as well? Would I be siding with him if I said it’s unfair to condemn him for wanting premarital sex yet you’ve contemplated if giving him sex would keep him around?

I just want to be fair, and it would be a lie for me to agree with you on certain things that don’t make logical or rational sense to me. You should know by now that everything I’m saying to you comes from a genuine place, not siding with anyone.

[HollyK21]

You’re acting like I haven’t agreed with you on anything when all I’ve done is support you each time we speak.

[Asker]

Me giving him sex was my emotions talking

[HollyK21]

What about pole dancing and web cam girl job? Sending sexy pics, “presenting as a whore” (your words), is that any better? The godly thing would be not to pass judgment at all…

[Asker]

I wasn’t the one who said anything about God he did 💅 there you go again

I think you know this man at this point

[HollyK21]

I’m only mentioning god because you did, right now.

[HollyK21]

How could I know him when I don’t even know you in person, babe?

[Asker]

He’s the one wanting to get closer to God… but doing ungodly Ish. He just wanted to fuck IDC anymore we just have to disagree

No man ask when the last time you’ve been intimate on a first date Holly 🙄

[HollyK21]

I don’t know why you’re upset that I’m forming my opinion off of the things you’ve told me. You have to remember, I was not physically there, I’m not in your shoes and my mindset is very different then yours. All I have is to base my thoughts off of what you’ve provided, so I’m sorry if my answers aren’t what you want me to say. I don’t have the emotions attached that you do, so I’m able to see things from a viewpoint that you’re unable to right now. I’m not siding with this man or uplifting him, I just don’t have horrible things to say based off the information provided. Yes, we will absolutely have to disagree and I say that with nothing but love and respect.

[Asker]

Okay… he could have had a little bit more decency. That’s all.

[HollyK21]

How? What could he have done?

[Asker]

I wish he would have offered a little bit more reassurance about what he wanted and letting me know that sex wasn’t all he wanted. I was anxious about it.

I wish he would have made it clear on the date that it wasn’t going to work.

I think it hurt that he ignored me. It really made me feel insecure… like I was unattractive or undeserving of a straight forward communication.

[HollyK21]

Honestly babe, he may not have thought you needed all that. I just think back on my mindset when I was dating, and if I talked to a guy for 2 weeks, went on a date and ultimately wasn’t feeling him, I truly wouldn’t think he needed more reassurance or would take it as bad as you’ve taken it. There just wasn’t enough time, but for you it became very serious and worth investing in. Sorry you didn’t get the closure you wanted but it was a lot more than many women get.

[Asker]

Yeah. Oh well.. hope he finds his perfect gal lol

[HollyK21]

You don’t need to hope or wish him anything, just close the chapter and start the journey forward to healing❤️

[Asker]

What do you mean more closure than most women get? Lol he wasn’t trying to provide me with closure… he cared about himself and how he would be perceived… there was no care in it..

He comes from “important “ people… he’s depended on by those around him… and I know his real name now…. So he doesn’t want me acting a fool I don't know

[HollyK21]

That last conversation you two had, where you mentioned he said you can keep in touch and whatever, even though you hated it that is more than a lot of women get. I have friends who were in actual relationships and ghosted. Literally, a 3 year relationship for him to up and move with some women he not only cheated with but impregnated, my friend woke up to him gone and never heard from him again. That is not the only time I’ve witnessed people I love get left behind by men without a word.

[Asker]

But he did leave without a word… you making seem like what he said wasn’t that bad… I’d rather him just leave that part out. Why would I want to check in when I want to talk to him everyday.

[HollyK21]

Yes he did leave without a word, but then you were able to reach him and you had that last conversation.

[Asker]

Right … he’s still didn’t care… saying we can “keep in touch” means nothing

[Asker]

That sad tho.. I’m sorry your friends were treated that way… 🥺 men can be soo cruel

[HollyK21]

Yeah, I think I mentioned previously that I felt like it was more of a consolation prize rather than actually wanting to check in now and then. Honestly though I don’t believe that anything other than pursuing something romantic would’ve made you happy. Even now you’re saying why would you want to check in when you wanna talk to him every day.

[HollyK21]

No need to be sorry! She’s moved on to someone else, they’re about a year steady now and she’s a lot happier. Like you said, men can be cruel but that’s why you just have to do your best to date smart.

[Asker]

Thats what I mean… that’s kind of rude and cruel for him to say that …. Knowing that’s not what I want… that’s a jerk thing to say and at first I thought that was a good thing.. but now I feel like that’s a total insult

[HollyK21]

I mean, he could’ve said nothing at all and left it at him going ghost. But you went out of your way trying to reach him multiple times through various routes… there was the opportunity for you not to feel like he’s a rude jerk and that conversation not have happened at all, but you really pushed for it. Sorry it wasn’t the words you wanted to hear or the hug you wanted to receive, but it is what it is babe.

[HollyK21]

Would anything other than a relationship have made you happy? Absolutely not because you said yourself that you want him just so you feel like you’re good enough. Any form of rejection would be impolite, rude and hurtful because it isn’t what you want.

[Asker]

So if he felt like I was “doing too much”… and I had my friend curse him out etc why didn’t he just block me? Like bd fr… he should have

Why didn’t he just do it if he ignored me and really didn’t want to speak to me.

[HollyK21]

I never said he felt like you were doing too much, I can’t tell you how he feels at all lol. I’m saying that you really pushed for a final conversation when you could’ve just let him go ghost. I don’t know about you, but personally I only block people that I have an issue with. Otherwise I have the restraint not to speak to someone anymore if if that’s the case. I may not even be thinking about them anymore at all.

The fact that this guy didn’t connect your face to your name when your friend called says everything you need to know, I would not have reached out again but you made the choice to do so, unfortunately. My point being that the final talk could’ve totally been avoided. You had more than enough evidence that he wasn’t interested in the end, but could let him go. It was an unnecessarily painful encounter.

[HollyK21]

*couldn’t let him go

[Asker]

You’re right.. I need more ego.

I think maybe he thought I was ugly.. I know this all too well… men treat you like crap when you’re not attractive enough. I don't know

This is just a big ass fucking blow to my self esteem right now and I’ve become obsessed with trying to figure it out..


But you’re right I really needed to let it go… my emotions get the best of me bc I really thought it would have worked out but I have to accept it … like you said. It is what it is….

[HollyK21]

I’m so sorry, I hate how hard of a time you’re having.

All I can really say is this too shall pass, you won’t be torn up over this guy forever so just let yourself get through it. Sooner rather than later you’re going to be over him, like there just wasn’t enough time with him for you to grieve any longer than maybe another week or so.

Once you’ve really had enough rumination and really ready to move on then start making an action plan. Like what’s something you’ve learned from this that you can apply to the next thing? What has it shown you about yourself besides the fact that it’s well past time to start healing your past trauma? You can still take some positives from this negative situation.

[Asker]

How do you even heal trauma? Lol I can identify it but I don’t know how to actively work towards change. How do you heal something so deep

[HollyK21]

Well, let me ask you this, when you pay yourself a compliment do you feel good or guilty? Do you believe it or does it feel fake?

[Asker]

Sometimes but I don’t really compliment myself…

[HollyK21]

Maybe it’s a good idea to start doing that then. Healing your trauma takes years of work and if you can get to a therapist that will only help the process. But as of right now you can do small things, like start feeding yourself with positivity.

I don't know if it’s ever crossed your mind that you don’t really pay yourself compliments or build yourself up, instead you’ve gotten so comfortable in negativity that you just own it and that’s not good.

When you don’t uplift, love and respect yourself, whether you recognize it or not, it shows outwardly. Your confidence is suffering and it shows now, just like it did on that date, or when you called him several times. You need to put yourself up on a pedestal, just like you do with men. That’s when everything will change, especially how you date. Like once I built up my self esteem and confidence, I held myself to such a high standard I wouldn’t settle for any less. Men recognized that in how I carried myself, they respected that.

I think you should work on billing yourself up just the same. Start with small compliments without shaming or thinking something degrading about yourself directly after. Eventually you’ll notice a difference!

[Asker]

I think he thought I was ugly….

[Anonymous]

Because he's bisexual