How do I get a socially awkward friend to get out of her shell and start dating again?

[Anonymous]

My friend has a lot of good qualities about her. She’s kind hearted, she’s a good christian (as in she accepts everyone for who they are but at the same time isn’t judgy or strict), she’s smart and very pretty (she turns men’s heads everywhere she goes), but she’s also forty and single. And there’s a reason for it.

She’s been hurt before. I don’t know the whole story of what happened as she’s only told me snippets, but it involved a man and whatever it was caused her to go into a protective “shell” that she won’t come out of despite several attempts from her friends, including me (and not to toot my own horn but I’m good at bringing people out of their shells). This means she won’t meet men, go out on dates or have sex. But she’s on dating apps and she’s told me she really does want to meet men and get back into dating (but she won’t budge on not having sex and I think that’s a big part of the problem). I think that being more open to having sex would really relax her and get her to loosen up a bit (and give her dating life a HUGE boost), but she won’t do it. I’m starting to think she might be asexual tbh.

She met a guy recently and he’s trying really hard to be romantic to her, but she’s so edgy and cynical about men and not mushy or romantic at all. I think that if she doesn’t become open to romance or even sex, she’s going to be very lonely, miserable and alone for the rest of her life, and she’s going to regret missing out on romance. Even her own mother has told me that it breaks her heart seeing her daughter that way.

I’ve told her that she has to be more open to casual sex to get a relationship, she argues with me and says “if I need sex to get love, I’d rather be single”. I know that’s not what she wants but she says that even though she doesn’t date jerks anymore, mushy romantic guys turn her off and she doesn’t trust them either. How can I get her to be more open to love and to sex? I become more open to casual sex and now I’m happier and in love.

[osmanthus]

If this were me, I'd tell my mother to 'shove her concerns up her ass where the sun never shines'. But that's just my take; I don't have a great relationship with her and I'm fairly certain my relationship with her partly affected my views of men from a romantic standpoint. She doesn't have any leverage to be lecturing me, if she ever wanted to, about how to have a stable marriage or else about dating men toward that end goal. But, since this is about your friend, I'd say it's a choice she makes. Asexuals can still have sex and be in relationships without romance or sans live-in situations with their partners for a time, heck, if the guy wanted an open relationship, albeit an asexual would be the best person to marry in such circumstance. It's something she has to discuss with the man in her life (about whether they ought to have sex, or not, and whether or not they would be ready or willing to be romantic and live together, or not). There is no guarantee the woman will never feel lonely, miserable, or alone in her relationship with the guy but at the very least they cleared the air on the subject of sex (if they aren't going to to bang each other).

[osmanthus]

By the way, some people are not socially awkward in dating, some people are just fed up with dating altogether.

[osmanthus]

I know you mean well but some people come out on their own time and other people never will. A person doesn't need to actively date to meet other people out in the real world.

[dustybiker2]

Stop obsessing about sex. She met someone. So she is meeting people and so not as bad off as you are making her sound. Let her take her own chances, make her own mistakes and live her own life. This here, what you are saying is smothering.

[blueonblack22]

At your age it’s really up to her. It’s not your job to “fix her”. You might mean well but unless she actually wants help with this then you can’t force this on her.

I would not bring it up unless she does first and then encourage her. Being single when you are older is societally shamed. If you bring it up then you are literally telling her she’s inadequate and that’s condescending. That can actually intensify her insecurities and make everything worse. Don’t do that.

[blueonblack22]

Your (and her) age. I’m guessing she’s close to your age.

[blueonblack22]

Also warn her about self sabotaging things with this other man she is seeing. She can’t assume this man is going to be like the one who hurt in her in the past. When you generalize it ironically becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

[animalwithin]

Therapy would be a great place to start. I think telling her to be okay with casual sex can be tricky as it could lead her to go down a slippery slope of nothing but casual sex whilst in search of something more meaningful. She can just go from guy to guy, all of whom don't care about anything other than sex from her and I'm not sure how that will help her out.

She has trust issues and until she resolves those, it's hard to really prescribe anything else.

[Yannae]

I agree with the sex thing. Dates can lead to sex really quickly, but that's an intimate thing and you can't really know a person from a few dates. That's not love, that's lust. If the guy isn't showing any red flags, she could At least go on a date with him and part ways after the date, no sex.

[Anonymous]

the guys must wait for sex till marriage if they want her. She can obviously go date guys , and they can take her to expensive places and spoil her. Her traditional values are most important and u must stop manipulating her to lose her traditions

[ProbablyClueless]

Don't try to force anything, for starters. Just lead by example. All you can do is live your own life and try to create opportunities for her to get out and meet people.

[DishLady]

That’s really up to her. No amount of missing and fussing on your part will be helpful.

[HeartBreakDreamLand]

Ever Seen the movie Movie
Two Night Stand 😹
that should put things
In Perspective 😅

[Danny_dan92]

Tell her if she’s horny it’s time to spread her wings and fly

[Asker]

That’s the thing though. I don’t think she even wants to have sex at all. I’ve already told her several times she needs to get laid and she always says “I have to have feelings first in order to have sex”.

[Asker]

Then she finds fault with the guy and cuts him off without even giving herself a chance to catch feelings.

[Danny_dan92]

Let her live her life

[Peridot25]

@Asker Why do you want her to sleep around so bad?

[Asker]

@Peridot25 no so much sleep around just get laid at least once. I just want her to get out of her little bubble and not be so uptight.

[elaphe]

Does she want to date? And having vales like not wanting premarital sex sound important to her as a religious conviction, so I wouldn't tell her to "loosen up."

[Peridot25]

The more you push the more she’s going to refuse. Just leave her alone.

[MacDaddyRico]

Bring her to me and I'll train her properly.
Christian, you say?
I like a challenge, unlike those Catholic girls.

[AngryCarl]

Sure you will, Grandpa.

[MacDaddyRico]

@AngryCarl You obviously cannot recognize satire

[MacDaddyRico]

@AngryCarl Who are you to call me grandpa, old man?

[warsevf]

Well, as an awkward guy myself, I am trying to be as adventurous as possible to break my shell.

[Nahid1707]

She might not be ready

[Angie03]

Slow built their confidence.

[Anonymous]

You have to work on her talk to her

[Asker]

I’ve tried. She just argues with me about it and I’ve watched her attract really good men and lose out on them because her mind somehow automatically goes to the bad ones she got fucked over by in the past.

[Opinion Owner]

Yikes that’s tough

[Kingofkings1992]

You don’t. She does it on her own time

[Plugs]

Exactly , her religion her wish to have sex only with her husband

[whistlingwh0res]

Get a male dog

[SotiCoto]

Don't.