How do I get my friend out of the 1950’s dating mindset?

[Anonymous]

She’s 41 and single, and it’s got nothing to do with her looks at all. It’s because she has a very outdated approach to dating that barely even worked 20 years ago. She turns guys heads everywhere she goes and makes eye contact, but when she catches a guy checking her out, she won’t approach. She just says “if he doesn’t approach, he’s not that interested”. When he does approach, she will talk to him for weeks and things just phase out because she won’t do the asking out either. Apparently that’s the guy’s job too. Her views on sex are equally outdated, and not to make fun of her, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s still a virgin. Yet all she does is cry that she doesn’t have a man in her life and that when she gets one, she can’t keep him.

My view: I’ve been making moves on guys since the early 2000’s. I’m married now, but when I was single if I caught a guy checking me out and I thought he was cute, I talked to him. If we vibed, I asked for his number. If conversation went well and I wanted to date him, I asked him out. If he said yes and the date went well and we were both attracted to each other….1st two dates ended with a kiss, next couple of dates ended with a makeout session and if things went well, we had sex within a month. Granted I didn’t marry until I was 35 (two years after meeting my husband who is a good decade older than us), but I really do think if my friend was more open to our generation’s dating practices, she would not be single. And I just want to see her in a happy relationship sooner rather than later (because men don’t want us as we get older). I know she wants love, but this is the only way she’s going to advance her chances at finding it. The shy, sexually repressed virgin image is cute in your 20s, not at her age. How can I convince her to try modern dating methods?

[Finchie40]

That’s something she is going to have to figure out on her own, as a friend you can give her advice and try to help her out , but it comes down to whether she wants to take your advice or not. As a friend, tell her she needs to stop being to picky and tell her for a relationship to form and for love to grow between 2 people , it takes 2 people giving the same or equivalent effort to each other , if she is only expecting the guy to do everything, then she is setting herself up for disaster , if she sticks with that mindset. It sounds like the attention your girlfriend is getting from men , is going to her head and making her assume she can get whoever she wants , especially if she is receiving a lot of attention from men checking her out. So Try to convince her that it is ok for her to make moves as well , and to not just assume everything is the guys’ responsibility, unfortunately that’s the reason she is failing at relationships , because she isn’t giving the same way she wants to receive. When a guy feels like he is the only one making an effort and she isn’t making any effort at all, he is going to walk the other way and assume she really isn’t into him , and he will feel he is just wasting his time with her. Me personally will only date a girl that makes effort as well to see me . Not a girl that just waits for me to keep making plans. And expecting to be swept off of her feet every second. By her having that mindset and not changing that mindset , she might end up with a guy that controls her and tells her what to do at all times , her not realizing she is being mentally abused if she ends up with a guy like that.

[jahaims]

Too late for her.

[Asker]

Thank you! Yes it’s insulting to many women (she thinks love has no age) and not popular, but I wish more women our age understood this. I mean it was too late for me too, I was 35 when I met my husband but I tried pitching in a different ballpark and adjusted my methods by going from sleeping with him after a month to sleeping with him on the third date. She just refuses.

[DishLady]

A zebra can’t change its stripes. Leave her alone. That’s what she likes and she’ll find a DECENT GUY who she likes. She doesn’t need to conform to whatever passes off as normal to you.

[Nikki1989]

Is she a Republican? Lives in a red state?

[Anonymous]

It worked for my mother. And for my grandmother. Hell, all throughout history, men are the leaders, the protectors, the providers. If a man doesn't want me enough to say hello first like a gentleman? I'm doing myself a favor by letting him go-- if he won't fight for me now, why would he later? Men chase. Men are the go-getters. I am a Princess, and I sit on my ass looking regal until a line of suitors throw themselves at my feet. So why are they always looking at me from a distance before glancing away in defeat? Why are they rejecting themselves before I get the say-so? What happened to chivalry? Can't they see my crown?
~~~~~

What worked in ye olden times is not exactly viable anymore. Approaching a woman in public, as a man? Yeah, no thanks. I don't want to get the cops called on me. I'm not entitled to her time. She's so damn pretty, I bet guys hit on her all the time. And I've been told never to assume eye contact is an invitation. Maybe when people died of old age at 50, they felt a little bit of pressure to hook up a bit quicker. And don't get me wrong, I think she's really pretty, but I've gotten so many mixed signals before and rejection isn't the end of it anymore. People get fired for harassment now. Maybe not everyone will assume I am a sleaze, but the risk outweighs the reward. Men in the past ruled with an iron fist, of course they didn't feel hesitant to go compliment girls they found pretty. But women have rights now. They deserve the rights they have now. I am not a mind reader-- I'm going to need a little more than a customer service smile or half second glance. A hell of a lot more, actually.

[Opinion Owner]

Also proud of you for not limiting yourself to gender norms. You have more courage than most in your position. More than me, as well. And it's nice that you worry about your friend ending up alone. Who knows what she thinks of herself, maybe she feels like she isn't attractive or desirable or likable. Unless she's looking for someone a little older than her, or lucks up somehow, her chances aren't zero, but they're not far from it. Sometimes we have to make our own luck. And a lot of men respect, and feel flattered, if a lady makes her move first. Anyone feeling off-put by it isn't someone I'd trust anyway. "Classic" gender dating roles aren't dead, just... dying.

[Asker]

No she wants the ones our age (who can get younger women just as easily). She should be looking at older men though. Yes she’s still pretty. She’s also at the age where women’s look fade drastically. And she’s a prude, so actually her chances are zero.

[MannMitAntworten]

Whether or not her approach is outdate, her excuse of it is his responsibility to ask is more reflective of her comfort in remaining single regardless of her lamentations to the contrary. Women of the 50’s did not behave as your friend does. If anything her behavior is more align with upper society’s gilded age middle aged women.


Your friend lacks enthusiasm. This is likely why her “getting to know you phase”, routinely fizzles out. In other words, she is boring the men. Looks are not enough.

[Asker]

Yeah I think you’re right. She does seem to take more comfort in being single and this girl doesn’t get out of her comfort zone. Such a shame though. Love, sex and relationships are beautiful things. I think she would be so much happier with a wonderful man in her life, and she misses out on good, quality men too. She attracts catches and passes them up left and right. I really think she’s going to regret that once she reaches old age.

[MannMitAntworten]

She doesn’t know any better because she has experienced any of it. Can’t miss what you don’t know, right? Probably adds to the comfort you mentioned. It is her life and choice.

[Anonymous]

I see nothing wrong with the way she's doing it. Except for she might be being too picky or accepting the wrong guys. Because a worthwhile guy WILL stick around. It's only YOUR viewpoint that you've been more successful then her.

[Anonymous]

Probably religious , put her on Christian mingle cuz that’s the only place she’ll find a man that thinks like that