What should I say to my boyfriend in this situation?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend doesn't want me to handshake the opposite gender. I understand and am totally okay with that. But there's some situations like suddenly happens and you might not be able to dodge and don't know how to handle those times. For example, we were on holiday and hired airbnb from a couple. This couple took us to the flat and gave us some information about the place. While they were leaving the woman shake my hand and my bfs hand, then the man also shake my boyfriend hand and my hand. My boyfriend told me that he didn't like that he shook my hand and also the woman shook his hand. And months later still he's angry about it and doesn't want something like that to happen again. I just wanna comfort him about it but i don't know what to tell him. How can i avoid situations like that... is there any couple had this kind of situation, any advice would be appreciated, thanks in advance.

[SamIam96]

You don't give much background. In the US, shaking hands is probably the most common greeting between two people, regardless of gender. There's nothing even remotely sexual about it.

What's your boyfriend's problem with you doing it?

Honestly, you shouldn't avoid shaking hands. You aren't doing anything inappropriate. boyfriend's gotta get over his strange hangup. If he doesn't, I'd wonder what he'll have a problem with next.

[Asker]

I don't think he's gonna get rid of it soon. I dont even know anything rightnow. The way u said "what he'll have a problem with next" hit hard. He didn't get angry about me shaking his hand cuz he knows it was all sudden. But he doesn't want things like that happen , I understand. Now we are arguing " I was too bubbly with the woman ( it was my country we visited) and we had some situation and left the other airbnb suddenly took their place early in the morning, so I was explaining what happened in the other airbnb that make us left. Maybe I seemed too excited but now we arguing about how I look easy to talk to I guess. And he's Christian knows west culture and I'm Muslim who's not really a religious but has the culture.

[SamIam96]

Your statement "months later still he's angry about it" really caught my attention. People don't stay angry for that long for anything, particularly trivial acts. To me, that hints at a mental illness that may manifest itself in other, worse ways.

[Asker]

What do you think about the statement i made in my last comment also, I'm very stressed tbh. He has so many trauma in ptsd. His background gives him trust issues, I did so many things to comfort him, even accepted not working. We will soon get marry, but I don't know what will be enough for him to ever trust me, or if he ever really will...

[SamIam96]

Culturally, I have a different perspective. What is normal for you might not be for me. I was raised as a non-practicing christian, in the US.

You raised many very important issues in your latest comment: your stress, his ptsd, trust issues and of course your marriage. I hope you look at those issues as things that will be constant throughout your lives together. There is little chance of improvement on them. Are you ok with that? Your tone doesn't have the excitement of a new adventure with a lover that makes you a better person. It sounds oppressive and unhappy.

I'm sorry for being negative. I don't know the good parts of your relationship. DM me if you would like to talk more in a less public setting.

[SamIam96]

Thank you for the MHO. And, I hope things workout with your boyfriend.

[Lliam]

Is this some fundamentalist Muslim bullshit? Your boyfriend is a kook.

[Asker]

No it's not. In fact he's Christian and I'm Muslim. And you should be respectful...

[Nikki1989]

You shouldn't let him try to control you like this.

I mean really, a handshake? You should be able to hug, even kiss a man if he is a friend of yours. Good grief.

[Asker]

I don't like touching other people in general but i also don't want him to touch opposite gender as well, so i just make emphaty. A handshake is maybe not big of a deal but hugging, even kissing? That's tooo much. I respect your opinion tho. 😊

[Zenpanda]

I'd break up immediately. A handshake, really?
That might just be the furthest thing from inappropriate you can get in physical contact.
If a partner didn't want me to do that, I wouldn't want to be with that person.

[Asker]

4 years of relationship, going to marry soon... i just feel depressed rn. I love him after all. It's not easy the way put in words. I wish it was.

[Enes38]

Shouldn't she have the same attitude towards the opposite sex?

[Asker]

Who? Do you mean the other couple?

[Enes38]

No your boyfriend

[Enes38]

If your boyfriend shakes a woman's hand, it's no problem, but when you do it, he gets angry.

[Enes38]

Isn't this a contradiction?

[Asker]

Read the caption, i said he doesn't like that she also shake his hand so it's not only me.

[Enes38]

But you also wrote that he shook the woman's hand while on vacation.

[Enes38]

I'm sorry if I misunderstood, my English is not very good, I write as much as I understand.

[Asker]

No it was in the same moment , it was very sudden. The woman shook my hand then his hand and the man shook his hand and my hand. It's not that he's angry to me by the way, he's angry to the situation. That we couldn't dodge it. But he didn't purposely shook her hand, she went for it snd he couldn't dodge

[Enes38]

I understand, but does it make sense to damage your relationship for something like this?

[Asker]

We don't damage the relationship tho, we just agreeing on what to do, how to escalate. I think it's all about respect. We have some boundaries in our relationship we dont shout or fight about this. He's just opening up how it still makes him angry. So it's not that this situation makes us distant to eachother, actually we even understand eachother more with this open communication 😊

[Enes38]

Good, then don't worry too much about it. Also, if your boyfriend knows you're on this site, he'll probably get angry.