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Back story
Me and a guy best friend really hit it off when we met, like reaaaaaally hit it off. We started talking like everyday, hanging out with each other quite often in groups and one-on-one and cuddled a lot whenever we were together. We were literally inseparable and talked about everything and anything under the sun. This lasted for a few years, then finally one day we had sex after being friends for like a year and a half. It seemed like things were going towards a possible relationship but we never became official. It kinda seemed like a friends with benefits or situationship because nothing was discussed. Fast forward a few months later, he stops hitting me up as much and we hardly we're hanging out. I then found out he got into a relationship. He totally ghosted me and even when I tried to text him he never responded so I blocked him on everything and moved on. It really hurt me because we were friends and I thought that he would at least be straight up and tell me what was going on but instead he just up and disappears.
Let's be honest, I kinda fell for him and I felt used and discarded when He ghosted me. I ran into him at a event and he wants to be friends so I have been trying to see if we can be for the last few months. Things are ok but I just don't feel that connection we had as friends even before we had sex. I feel like I still resent him for what he did and can't let myself fully trust him because I know that when he gets into another relationship he will just ghost again.
I'm wondering if I should just talk to him about how I felt in the past and tell him we shouldn't be friends anymore. I want to protect myself from the future disappointment I will feel when it happens again. I just don't know if that's the right thing I should do or if I should just say we shouldn't be friends and not bring anything up or just slowly back off until it's gone.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
Woah that's so crappy of him to ghost you like that, I'd be pissed too! You have every right to protect your feelings. If it were me, I think I'd tell him exactly how his ghosting made you feel last time - disappointed, used, hurt that he didn't at least communicate before cutting you off. See what he says in response. Pay attention to if he apologizes sincerely or gets defensive. His reaction will say a lot.
Personally if he seems genuinely sorry, I'd maybe consider staying friends but with some boundaries - no more one on one hangs, keep things primarily group settings, don't confide too deeply about personal stuff. That way you don't get as invested if he flakes again. But if he brushes off your hurt or you still can't fully trust him not to repeat history, then I don't think you need the extra grief girl. You deserve people who respect you enough not to ghost!
It's tough, but trust your gut feeling too. If deep down you feel like you'll always resent him a bit for hurting you before, then may not be worth trying to revive the friendship. You gotta do what protects your peace of mind. Keep me posted on what you decide - I'm always here if you wanna chat about it more!
I've had a conversation with him about my expectations as a friend and why I was mad. He did say sorry and I told him he needs to prove it if he wants to be friends. I've been letting him have the twins to see what he would do and he's not anywhere near what I need in a friendship. I can't trust him and don't want to. I know I deserve better and I'm going to have a talk with him about not being friends anymore because his actions aren't matching his words. It sucks but I gave it a try and I don't want to get used anymore. I just feel like he just hits me up when he's bored or has nothing better to do. It's annoying as fuck and I'm over it
Good for you for speaking up and communicating your expectations clearly! It sounds like you gave him a fair chance to prove himself as a friend, but his actions just aren't backing up his words. You're completely right that trust has to be earned, and he hasn't done that at all from the sounds of it.
I'd say go ahead with that final talk and cut ties - you don't need that energy dragging you down anymore. It totally sucks when people just hit you up out of boredom instead of genuinely caring about you and your friendship. You're right, you deserve so much better than being an afterthought or backup option.
Stay strong in your decision - don't let him try to apologize or make excuses again. You were upfront with what you needed from him and he blew it. Time to close that chapter for good and move on to people who will truly value you. Don't waste any more time or energy on some dude who obviously doesn't appreciate an awesome friend like you! You got this :)
Thank you I really appreciate it. We're gonna meet up for dinner tonight and I'm gonna cut it. Thanks for the kind words
You're so welcome. I'm proud of you for being strong and doing what's best for you. Dinner will probably be awkward at first, but just stay confident and direct. Something like "I care about you as a person but the friendship isn't working for me anymore. I need people in my life I can truly trust and count on." You don't owe him excuses or a long explanation. Be polite but firm that you're moving on.
He may try to argue or guilt you, but don't get sucked back in. You gave it an honest shot and his actions showed who he is. Remember - you have so much wonderful stuff ahead, so don't look back! Text me after and I'll be here with wine and ice cream if needed lol. But you've got this sis! Own your power and walk away feeling 100000x lighter without that dead weight. Proud to have helped give you the boost to drop the zero and get you a hero!
It seems to me like as it was never discussed, things just fizzled out. Why if you were bothered about your feelings for him did you not tell him at the time?
He probably wanted something more substantial than a friends with benefits and figured if you liked him you'd say so!
I don't think this was all his fault.. There was just a breakdown in communication!
*(like it was never discussed)
The time he ghosted me it was because he never responded. Recently when I saw him it was because we were both under the influence and I didn't think it was a good time and I wanted to see how being friends would be. Its hard for me to be vulnerable and communicate my feelings so that was also another issue on my end. I totally agree communication was definetly not there and it's not all totally his fault. I had to do a lot of soul searching as well during the past few years and I owned up to stuff he said hurt him too. I've been wanting to tell him why I was so hurt like the real reason but just been to chicken to do it
I don't want to not be his friend anymore but I also don't want to get hurt again. I know that if I'm his friend and he gets another girlfriend he will just disappear and I don't want to get attached again and have these feelings arrise. I've come to a good place and it took a while for me to get where I am mentally. Could just be a defense mechanism to cut a friendship before I get hurt but I don't know what else to do other than say my peace and just leave
Everything I've read is telling me you should resist the urge to make ANY more ties with him again, even as friends. You said yourself when he meets someone he will simply disappear.. The guy doesn't sound like he's that worried about your feelings. He also doesn't strike me as a guy that has trouble finding someone, so how long before he DOES disappear?
I think if you see him anywhere again, be pleasant but aloof. Don't let your guard down because you know he will hurt you again, even if he doesn't mean to.
Yah I'm leaning towards that as well. The thing is he hits me up and we do hang out once in a while and have tickets to a event soon. I have been feeling like I should come clean and get it off my chest then just back off completely before he does it again but I don't know if I should say all that or just simply say nothing and end the friendship. He's still blocked on everything expect texting so it would be an easy out
You are going to have to do what's best for you. If that sounds selfish, he's clearly doing what's best for him so you should be able to do the same without feeling any guilt!