Where do you draw the line between secrecy and privacy in a relationship?

Question

Kayla45 · Accepted Answer

The distinction between secrecy and privacy in a relationship often lies in the intention behind withholding information and how it impacts trust and intimacy.

Privacy respects personal boundaries, ensuring that individuals maintain their sense of autonomy even within a close relationship. It can involve things like needing alone time, private thoughts, or keeping certain aspects of past experiences personal. Privacy isn’t about hiding; it’s about maintaining individuality and self-care.

Secrecy, on the other hand, often involves withholding information that could affect the other person’s sense of trust or well-being in the relationship. It typically carries an element of deceit, avoidance, or fear whether to prevent conflict, hide mistakes, or avoid accountability. Secrecy can breed suspicion and erode trust, especially when it covers things that directly impact the other person or the relationship.

A healthy relationship usually finds a balance, where privacy is honored without turning into secrecy. Communication is key when partners feel comfortable discussing why certain things are kept private, it reinforces trust, whereas secrecy tends to thrive in the absence of openness.

Crimsyjo · Accepted Answer

That's a really good question!! And one I've struggled with in relationships as I never want to appear secretive so I bare all. But my past can effect trust etc. So I'm learning that i am allowed my privacy.

For instance... is it a secret or my private right not to disclose to a new partner that I've enjoyed sex with guys more than half my age? I know it would create big trust issues. So am I "keeping it secret" by not disclosing it? If he asks about my sexual past am I allowed to say "that's private" and not have him feeling lack of trust? But telling him is defo gonna cause insecurity issues. If I'm dating a 45 Yr old man I don't need to know if before me he was recently fucking a 20 Yr old. All that matters is if we are attracted to each other and want to build love and connection with each other.

I think moving forwards then anything NOT prior to relationship should be open and honest and keeping things back then is being secretive and not good.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

As long as it has nothing to do with effecting our relationship , I am fine with it , if you can’t be honest with your partner , then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them period , because you are only hurting yourself and hurting them as well, by keeping secrets from them that you know will destroy your relationship. Making you a selfish person that only cares about yourself , because
You truly don’t love your partner, if you can do that to them , you just like the convenience of your partner instead. If you want to live your life holding secrets and lies from your partner , that’s up to you , but don’t expect the same in return from them if you can’t be honest. People that do that will never experience true love , because they only love themselves and feel what is best for themselves. True love comes from honesty and respect for each other. It doesn’t come from holding secrets and lies. When you learn to remove selfishness from within yourself to give to someone else , that’s where love starts to grow , between you both. If not , you can have that relationship all by yourself

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

There is no line because there's no communication about it if somebody tells me a secret there is no line that secret stays with me no matter what
If somebody asked me about something it's none of their business if it's private is private if I want somebody to know something I'll tell them but if it's about me or somebody else they know not even ask me because they're not going to get anything from me that's how private I am and people that trust me know that they can trust me as I do the same with them

hahahmm · Answer

The idea that who you are with has a right to know every idea in your head is wrong. What we have a right to know is how the other person behaves if it affects us OR the relationship in any way at all. I don't need to know the detail of everything my wife did before we got together, unless something she did affects us now. Or - obviously - if she started doing something that affects us now.

it's a bigger problem when someone tells outsiders stuff & keep that stuff secret from their spouse.

MicahRaine · Answer

Privacy: Things like taking a dump, your friend's bedroom drama, how much money you have, etc etc are privacy items. Secrecy: What apps you have, who you talk to, where you're going, what pictures you send you best friend, etc etc are secrecy items. Privacy is the art of creating, agreeing upon, and respecting the boundaries between your partner, everyone else, and you. This is HEALTHY. 
 
 Secrecy is the problem of hiding things from your partner because you know they aren't okay with it, or you haven't talked with them about it. This is UNHALTHY

BadApple69 · Answer

I basically will tell my significant other almost everything and she will tell me only what she wants me to know lol.
That’s ok, I’m an open book and she prefers her secrecy. Everyone has a different comfort level of what they share, and that’s ok with me.

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

Everyone lies, about everything. At least that's my lived experience.

I get into trouble all the time with people because I'm brutally honest, have no filter sometimes, but most people simply can't handle pure unfiltered truth.

I know why I'm like this, and cannot change, but it sure puts people off most of the time.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

nowhere... I don't have secrets... not in the relationship, not in the family, not with my friends... I don't feel a need to hide things, and I'm an awful liar :D

my privacy is, in general, my private space...

Juxtapose · Answer

I'm allowed to keep anything I want a secret and if they don't like it they can find someone else. I have no obligation to spill every single thought in my head out to them.

If you want me to tell you secrets, fucking earn it. The more entitled you act the less I am going to trust you.

Nerdvana · Answer

Privacy refers to your personal boundaries about your history, thoughts, opinions, and experiences separate from your partner and relationship. Secrecy, on the other hand, involves something that you are intentionally hiding from your partner.

NathanDavis · Answer

I got no secrets... for those I love privacy, only at the bathroom, thank you... lol

ProbablyClueless · Answer

Secrecy is an intentional effort to keep someone in the dark. Privacy is just a byproduct of someone not really needing to know something.

LiamJHayden · Answer

She does not need to know all about my company. I have to sign a lot of NDA's and cannot discuss many things with those who are not a party to those cases.

OddBeMe · Answer

Secrecy is hiding something your partner would get mad at. Privacy is like shitting.

noohair · Answer

Everyone lives three lives A public life A private life A secret life

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

I don't I think in a relationship you should be completely transparent

eagle1951 · Answer

not sure either of those should be in a reationship

DrPepper12 · Answer

If it feels furtive it is furtive... 🤷🏽‍♂️

jahaims · Answer

They can know anything if they are my s/o

Where do you draw the line between secrecy and privacy in a relationship?

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Where do you draw the line between secrecy and privacy in a relationship?

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Should there be any privacy in a relationship?

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