Was I being too emotional?

[Anonymous]

I was at my boyfriend house and was going to approach him to ask him a question. When I was almost close I heard him say to a woman on the phone that he has to hurt her feelings cause he is not getting what he wants. Then he said he's not getting his little daughter. I was upset so I left.. i then let him know I heard through text and now he is saying I am sneaking in his house and listening to his calls.. now I expressed how I was hurt by what I heard and he says I should go and try someone else then... Did I overreact? He is wrong but now is turning the blame on me for how I cussed him out about it.

[SteveSmith1985]

If I understand you: you overheard you boyfriend talking to another woman in a way where it's clear he's cheating. Is that correct?

Instead of talking about that, he turns it around on you accusing you of spying on him and sneaking around.

You cuss him out and leave. He texts you "might as well break up"

You are wondering if you overreacted.

Is that correct? (the daughter line threw me off. I don't know what that means if its important)

I want to make sure I got right what you overheard.

[Asker]

Okay so he only has a son, and I heard him say to a woman he hurt her feelings because she dosent want to give him his daughter. So I got emotional and cuss telling him they mus be having a affair and mow he wants to breakup.

[SteveSmith1985]

If you mean give him a daughter like "have a daughter with him"...
or if you're confident what you heard was something clearly indicating an affair:

Then no you're not overreacting at all! I don't blame you at all. I don't know what your situation is, but are you even sure you want him back? If he is cheating

[Asker]

Well he told me to go be with another guy.. I really thought that means he wants her to give him a daughter... what hurts is we have been trying and it hasn't happen yet so I felt hurt for him to be saying that knowing am in the house.

[SteveSmith1985]

So wait, are you sure/confident that he is cheating? or are you unsure and think you made a mistake?

Because, if what you heard was him having an affair, then I'd say... you ARE better off finding another guy. You shouldn't have to put up with him cheating.

If on the other hand, you aren't sure what you heard was actually what you thought (him cheating) then that's different, and you can clear that up with him I would imagine. But this bullshit about you sneaking around and spying... that;s bullshit. You weren't doing anything wrong. You should defend youself on that.

So... if you still believe he's having an affair, you should move on. THe guy is no good.

If you think you made a mistake, you should try and talk to him (when he stops being as pissed off and is more reasonable).

Right now, it sounds like he's gotten mad for a reason he invented. If he used that to misdirect the conversation from the affair he's having that makes sense. If you don't think he is having an affair, tell him to get real with the sneaking and spying bullshit. If you overheard the wrong thing (or assumed the wrong thing) tell him so. But don't take shit for him being mad at something he invented.

[Asker]

Am not completely sure if its cheating but I dont see any other meaning to it other than him wanting a child from the person.. recently like in last month he kept accusing me of cheating and saying he dosent trust me and its best we just end tings cause he feels as if am cheating... so clearly I am jus not allowed to speak on anyting.

[SteveSmith1985]

Sorry to hear that you're pretty sure he was cheating. If that's the meaning, I'm not trying to second guess that.

it is a known "thing" that often a cheating person will suddenly start accusing the other person of cheating (the faithful person).

So tbh, him accusing you and saying he didn't trust you... is actually a known thing someone having an affair does.

So my question to you is:

Why do you want to get back with this man who would cheat on you? You deserve better than that. Right? So unless you're living with him, or there is some other practical reason holding you back... you should go! Why would you go back to that. You should find someone else who treats you right.

I do not think you are overreacting. I think you are under-reacting.

[Asker]

We have been together for almost 6 years and he is my first relationship so its gonna hurt a lot

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm not gonna try and tell you that it won't hurt a lot. It will. Especially if it's your first relationship, and it's been that long.

It's up to you of course. I just don't think anyone deserves to be with someone who isn't faithful. I think you deserve better. Everybody does.

I guess it depends on your own feelings about his cheating. But, it's not even like he apoligized or anything. He cheated on you, and when you called him out, he invented a reason to get mad and break up with you.

That's messed up. Even for a cheater. That's not right.

If you stay with a man who mistreats you, it's not going to get better. It's going to get worse.

I think the hurt is worth it, to have a chance to find someone who DOES treat you right. At least it gets you out of being treated wrong. (although its not easy).

The way I see it, you either have to break up, or you are agreeing to go back and basically keep quiet, while he does whatever, with whoever. You would have to compromise on the respect a man owes you.

Of course do what you think best. I just don't think staying with this guy is ever going to be a healthy relationship where you're treated right.

[Asker]

Thanks

[SteveSmith1985]

No problem. Good luck 🙂

[Anonymous]

No, you did not overreact. Hearing your boyfriend speak about intentionally hurting someone and referencing a "little daughter" would understandably cause distress. Leaving the situation was a reasonable response. His reaction, accusing you of "sneaking" and then dismissing your hurt feelings by telling you to "try someone else," indicates he's deflecting and avoiding accountability for his hurtful words. While expressing your hurt with strong language is understandable in the moment, his refusal to acknowledge your feelings and instead blaming you confirms his lack of empathy and respect for your emotional response.

[Anonymous]

You overheard that he has a literal child you’ve never heard about but you’re worried about looking too emotional? I dare say you’ve lost your sense of self if you are really that afraid to lose this guy. 6 years, no ring and he cares so little about the relationship he could let it go, aka “find someone else if you want to be asking fair questions, I don’t want to be questioned at all and you can leave if you don’t like it”. No man who loves you and doesn’t want to lose you would ever respond to you like that and you shouldn’t want it.

[Shiprex]

No you're not being too emotional. He's stepped over a behaviour boundary you'd hope a partner did not exhibit and that is part of your values. If you don't like someone to be that way then maybe he's not the one for you. BUT since he's in other relationships with his daughter and bm, there's got to be some leeway for him to have negative interactions that HE has every right to address in his way.

[OneViewpoint]

Wow. Show some self respect and go silent on this guy. No contact. Move on and find someone who doesn't do this stuff to women. If you keep chasing this asshole, expect more of the same.