How do I know if my male friend is doing something out of love or obligation?

[Luvmeromo15]

[DishLady]

Depends what the thing is -- and some guys are confusing af, so if you thought he was doing it out of love and then he acts as if it was just a courtesy, it's not you, it's him gaslighting a bit.

Truth is, a guy may have feelings for you then FORCE them back, so he's kind to you bc of that, but not trying to be TOO obvious about it... and by the time you catch on to what he's doing he's moved on to someone else, having convinced himself that you're not interested or whatever.

Additionally, there are some guys who do certain things on autopilot, claiming "not to know" that this is behavior reserved for those who they're interested in. (e. g., calling a cab for EVERY gal instead of just for the gal they're interested in... or holding hands/walking arm-in-arm with EVERY girl rather than just the girl they're interested in... etc.).

[Luvmeromo15]

He’s 31 and has never been in a relationship because of his religion. I’m 40 with two kids and I think he’s scared to get close to someone. He’s fun and outgoing and has all the freedom he wants. I don’t know how he feels because he doesn’t talk about his feelings. He used to talk to me everyday and now he gives me the bare minimum and that’s because we work together. Please read what I wrote to Avicenna so you can better understand

[DishLady]

His age doesn't matter in this case.

You're

(1) looking at a young guy
(2) with no experience
(3) expecting him to take you on (older and with kids)

He's not scared to get close to "someone" he's in need of a normal, basic "with the training wheels" relationship.

He doesn't talk bc he doesn't WANT to talk.

It's NOT because you work together. He doesn't want you. Wake up.

[Luvmeromo15]

My coworker and I have been getting pretty close. He knows I’m going through a divorce and has been supportive. He has been showering my with his time and gifts. My bday is next week and he said he would come over we could have a bbq and he would cook and find it all. He just got a second job and is now working 80hrs a week so we haven’t seen or talked to each other much. He said it’s because he’s busy but since I told him I cared for him and wanted more he’s pulled back a lot. He just said we should go out to eat instead. We told the people coming to the bbq and some said they couldn’t afford to do that so we are going to bbq but he’s still been cold with me. I don’t know if he’s just doing this out of guilt or obligation. Should I just cancel this party? Am I wrong for still wanting him to do this for me?

[Zack-Bann]

Is he male?
Is he a friend?


HE WANTS YOU


It’s little that simple to know

[Luvmeromo15]

Did you read my story?

[Zack-Bann]

Going through a divorce
Coworker saw his opportunity
He’s being extra extra nice
Showering you with gifts
Being “your rock”
Secretly hoping to rock your world as soon as you’re in a less emotional state

Yes I know I sound cynical

But I’m not wrong

[Luvmeromo15]

It’s weird because I’ve given him every opportunity and because of his religion he has been a gentle man. He’s also 36 and I’m 43 🫣 he has never been in a relationship so I thinks he’s scared? Do you think he’s doing this for me because he cares or because he promised and doesn’t want to look bad?

[Zack-Bann]

If a guy doesn’t like you he won’t be so worried about you ”looking bad”

It seems that you like him as well

I have no idea what his religion is but that’s always a sticky situation. I had to deal with a religious girl once and it was constantly a balancing act

The age is irrelevant
Honestly between 36 and 43 you’re both seasoned adults it’s not like 16 and 23 where it feels like a gigantic (and illegal) leap

[Luvmeromo15]

I care for him so immensely, so when I opened up and told him how I felt about him he distanced himself. He said we were fine but the communication is diminishing. I asked if he wanted to still have this get together and he’s sure he does. He set it up and has invited our co workers. by the way he is also my boss. No one nows what is going on between us and I think he worried I might make him feel uncomfortable. I just wish I knew how he felt, again is he doing this because he cares for me or to impress everyone and feel good about himself?

[Zack-Bann]

This is an important piece of info: he’s your boss

That’s usually reason enough to advance with caution

Because if anything was to go wrong he could be accused of abusing his authority to seduce you

I have a younger colleague who’s not my subordinate but is very interested in me.
And I’m forced to play things very delicately

Now granted the difference is I’m not attracted to her
But your boss does seem to be into you so it’s not the same thing

I think it merits a conversation.
A heart to heart outside of the office

[Luvmeromo15]

The party we are having is on the 8th (next week) should I try talking to him before then or just give him space until then? We spent 3 hours talking two nights ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I sent a party reminder yesterday to all attendees and everyone responded but him? He has me baffled

[Zack-Bann]

I think give him a few days of space and then talk to him casually go see if he’s coming to the party
Make him feel like it’s not the end of your professional or casual relationship just because you had a long heart yo heart conversation
That will motivate him to want to he around you more

[jahaims]

A male friend has no obligations to you so if he is doing extra he is being nice.

[Luvmeromo15]

This bbq was his idea and he invited everyone. I think he thinks I’m going to make him uncomfortable in front of people because he now knows that I care about him. The people he invited are our coworkers 😳 I don’t know if he’s doing this to show off or because he really cares for me

[Avicenna]

What things are we talking about specifically?

[Luvmeromo15]

My coworker and I have been getting pretty close. He knows I’m going through a divorce and has been supportive. He has been showering my with his time and gifts. My bday is next week and he said he would come over we could have a bbq and he would cook and find it all. He just got a second job and is now working 80hrs a week so we haven’t seen or talked to each other much. He said it’s because he’s busy but since I told him I cared for him and wanted more he’s pulled back a lot. He just said we should go out to eat instead. We told the people coming to the bbq and some said they couldn’t afford to do that so we are going to bbq but he’s still been cold with me. I don’t know if he’s just doing this out of guilt or obligation. Should I just cancel this party? Am I wrong for still wanting him to do this for me?

[slatyb]

Impossible to know what motivates people. All you can do is observe their behavior and decide what you will do.

[fish5505_87]

What does your gut tell you?

[DishLady]

Women don't always have "gut feelings" the way guys do. Our instincts are rigged to detect certain things when we're parenting, for example, with a focus on protecting others before seeking to connect with and prioritize our own feelings.

[fish5505_87]

@DishLady Many times we ask questions we know the answer too, for many different reasons. If we can block out emotion to some extent, and focus on the question we are asking ourselves, we can hear the person in our brain speaking to us, that special intuition. Many times the answer is very clear. Woman are suppose to have really good intuition! I believe she knows the answer, I could be wrong, but that is what I was communicating.

[Luvmeromo15]

My coworker and I have been getting pretty close. He knows I’m going through a divorce and has been supportive. He has been showering my with his time and gifts. My bday is next week and he said he would come over we could have a bbq and he would cook and find it all. He just got a second job and is now working 80hrs a week so we haven’t seen or talked to each other much. He said it’s because he’s busy but since I told him I cared for him and wanted more he’s pulled back a lot. He just said we should go out to eat instead. We told the people coming to the bbq and some said they couldn’t afford to do that so we are going to bbq but he’s still been cold with me. I don’t know if he’s just doing this out of guilt or obligation. Should I just cancel this party? Am I wrong for still wanting him to do this for me? My gut tells me he’s doing this just look good in front of his friends and not let us down but my heart says he cares

[fish5505_87]

That's a tough one, I would trust your heart, Maybe just pull back on the wanting more for now and let him know how much you appreciate him as a person. Good Luck, and Happy Birthday!!

[fish5505_87]

@DishLady Thanks for the reply, I just reread my reply, I thought I sounded rude, not intended, I'm tired. I appreciate the info you provided from. a different perspective.

[Luvmeromo15]

Thank you

[fish5505_87]

Good Luck, seriously.

[DishLady]

@fish5505_87 No worries. I wouldn’t say “rude” at all. Just that I’ve heard guys say that to girls before as if we have that same “gut feeling” as y’all do, but it’s a little different for us. Many of us have “6th sense” and call a loved one to check on them, feeling something is off, but that’s not the same thing as what you’re describing. Thanks for clarifying your perspective.

[In_Trance]

Ask him

[Luvmeromo15]

He’s a libra and hates confrontations. I asked him last night if he was ok with doing this and he said yes. He gave me money to buy everything we needed and said “ if I needed any more to let him know”. We spent 3 hours talking and laughing yesterday but I haven’t heard a peep from him today? I’m so confused 🤔

[In_Trance]

You haven't hear a peep, because you haven't contacted him