Why do some partners’ overlook the good in their partner and pinpoint the bad?

Question

I’m not just going to point at females’ because I have witnessed guys’ doing this as well, Basically one partner is constantly complaining and bitching to their partner about something that needs fixed or needs cleaned like their arms are broken and can’t do it themselves , and completely overlooking everything else their partner has done , like they are never satisfied and always finding some sort of flaw to bitch about , and acting like their partner isn’t good enough , My ex pulled this shit on me as well , always bitching or complaining about something small and acted like I was this horrible person that didn’t see it before she did , and completely overlooked everything else I have done , pretty much another reason she is my ex. A partner that constantly complains and constantly nagging to you over little things , do yourself a favor and kick their asses to the curb where they belong , life is too short to be with someone that brings constant misery into your life. Like they walk around acting like they are your boss and expecting you to be every profession to appease them , tell them to Go fuck themselves and to get out of your life immediately

Noredcarpet · Accepted Answer

My guess it is about something else, but they have not realized just what it is so they keep on projecting their bad stuff onto someone else, usually a partner at most risk, after that a parent perhaps or even a child, if it's really bad. The other is the feeling of lack of control so they need to establish that and you are, of course, paying the price for it. They could be testing how far they can go with it, they could be looking for a reaction, so in that sick way they feel a connection with you, they see how they effect you, you loose your energy.

Their way of communicating is passive aggressive, manipulative, childish really, immature. Not ready to face themselves or face their partners. Could afterwards too be running from themselves, not wanting to face their own blame. They can keep this up. Those who really can not process keep it going, always.

Everyone fights in relationships but it is the way it is done, about what, how, that is going to make the big difference if happy or not when moving on. You can get closer than before if handled right.

I have realized that I have had family members that I can tell were just the kindest stable ones, but too much so in the wrong company. I can tell, finding letters of it too, saved after fights how someone kind tries to get to a place of truce with someone else who I know was really childish. Today I know that this childish individual choosing to act in this toxic way towards loved ones simply did not have the emotional intelligence, the brain, to, process their own feelings, analyze it. This meant that if the same thing had happened to one of the kind, stable ones, the process would look differently, more healthy for everyone involved. It would never get to be so difficult, draged on.

I am learning stuff, I think, lol, and one thing I am getting now is that my boundaries were messed up before I met my ex as I was used to what I know now is considered mental abuse, growing up, used to being patient, understanding that my energy was different, lighter, in general than the one who process things differently. I know I had learned to endure through all the phases, process. I had forgotten somehow this had happened before, only to start feeling the same way when my ex (back then my partner) was starting to do this to me as well. I took on the same role growing up, pushing my own hurt back, not acknowledge how I felt when being treated this way. I know there have always been two parts of me, one you can control and the other you can not, no matter how you try. I know I was punished growing up for the part of me they couldn't own, my power, that belonged to me. Everyone should keep that part of themselves, never surrender it, it is not for others to have. You need it yourself. Or you can't live. Only those who wish to dominate, control, try to take it from you. The others let you keep it, want you to have it. It's yours.

It was not lack of emotions on my ex part, it was too much of it, same as the one childish in my family, and he had the look as if he could blow up any second if I said or did something around the home. I felt as if my presence alone was an annoyment to him. I was careful, adapting. His energy was not light, like mine in general was. His was never as light as mine was, when we first started out, but before, I could not imagine he would change like that, get that dark. Same goes for my partner, only not so dark, but still, mine was lighter, then too.

I know of others who got that same or similar energy like my ex, they all have had different roles to play in my life (not thinking of the romantic ones). Because of what they have told me themselves willingly it is that they know they have been mean, vengeful, all these things to their, well now, exes. That they have this pattern. They know they are like this when they are at it and yes, at the time they think their partner or who ever deserves it, which they don't, not when it is that exaggerated. What I started saying to my ex was stuff like, you really think that? No, I don't see it like that, I don't think it's that bad. He would get mad at me because yes, to him it was that bad.

These heavy people who do not process like I generally do, they do go on after their splits, angry, bitter. They do think they deserve more in life. They do think they are entitled. They take more than they give. It cost them more to give. They are more in their own heads than I am in mine. They are drawn to light hearted people who are givers, who makes things easy, adapting, but they will complain no matter. hey can get into new relationships but in time these other people will chose not to get serious.

One thing I have noticed is that they have always said they want this or that from their partners, but it is the way they say it, for instance gifts. I have detected that in time, maybe the first time, their partners do not want to give it to them, these gifts. I who never wanted stuff like that always got them, my ex would do that too, by his own free will. I could tell that made things worse because now I was receiving what they had wanted. I think it is mental. You do not want to give someone something when they present it like that to them. It is critique. It is don't you know I am so and so. Why are you not doing your job? Why did you not give me this yesterday? It's the attitude. It came of forced.

What I have experienced with the ex and those I know who got the same energy going is that it takes them longer to reach, process, they get stuck in their heavy feelings, stubborness.

My ex would at first justify how he had been acting, but a part of him I could tell was as if he was not aware, not to defend him or anything. Been too much in his own head, his own time frame. Loong time frame.

I know now dealing with the ex and my current partner that I can describe things in a logical manner. Thinking I could get through that way. But their problem was not the logical, analytical part, but emotionally, baggage, how their brain process things, combination of things. It was no wonder I did not get nowhere talking in a logical way. Logic they can get, they were both intelligent that way. More so in ways sometimes than I think I am. It has not been so much about what I could have done differently. More what the ex had to face about himself, and now my current one. They have some similaritiies but for the rest they are very different people, treated me differently, but they were both in trouble, with themselves.

Some really long time after my ex had been cruel to me he was dropping the bad attitude. He would act or get extremely regretful. Because of all his cruelty before I would still think him changing on me again with all that regret was his way of making fun of his before expressed love, twisting good memories, still making fun of me. I felt if true words this time they did not matter as the other side of the coin was the price I had to pay for it. I did not want any side of the coin, coming from him.

I used to be scared, angry, disgusted, confused, wondering too where did the first guy go that used to be good to me, the ex, changing on me, but then I got to a stage where I felt he is still keeping me as his, in a way, as long as I am stuck this way (causing scars, more scars with the aftermath that went on so long, revealed his difficulty to process).

I am at a place now when I think what bad he did to me, to us that showed up for so long, he did to himself and worse.

primebreadenjoyer · Accepted Answer

I think a lot of couples fall into the sunk cost fallacy. They're deeply unhappy, but they think "I've given a lot of time and effort into this relationship, I need to make it work." And more often than not, it trends into incompatible relationships that neither party wants to break off.

There's also other factors at play; insecurity, potential abuse, etc.

I've been in multiple relationships as well where I found out after/during that my partner had a personality disorder as well, which can strain many things further. People who have them aren't inherently bad people, but intervention and therapy might be the only things that can help them.

I think it's also important to have a level of self-awareness that might help you recognize that you're in a pattern. I eventually realized that I attract certain types of people, started going to therapy and learning more about myself. Lo and behold, I have a tendency to fawn and people please when I don't feel safe, and many of my past partners made me feel incredibly unsafe. Then the resentment builds as I'm constantly trying to please them and make them feel happy, and they were inconsiderate and even downright abusive when I tried to place and enforce a boundary.

Nowadays, I'm more picky with my company. I've been seeing a really good guy for about a year now, he's very lovely and remarkably self-aware. We talk through any issues we have and allow ourselves to feel deeply around each other. He's honed in on my tendencies and accurately calls them out, and then will apologize for any of his own behavior.

My tl;dr for this: it's a mix of psychological concepts that can be addressed by being self-aware of what your tendencies lean towards, and the people you gravitate towards. If you can afford it, go to therapy.

Sal_Monella · Accepted Answer

Women  want their men  insecure  in the relationship and always striving to  measure up,  but never doing do; rejection as a method of control. It is an emotional trap to avoid because it is success proof. They will move the goal post on you and you will never have peace until they realize that can  never do better. Women must become cognizant that  What you see is what you get.  Never  modify your behavior to appease a woman. It will will only escalate and never be enough. Then they will run you off and blame you for it. They will punish you by ruining your children and by attempting to ruin you personally. This is what Western women have become. Look here. I've been around the track too many times. Here are things to do and things not to do.  1.  Do not  have any sexual intimacy for the first three dates. It will cloud your judgement. The first three are all about interviewing her to determine if you want a relationship with her. Whatever you detect, she is unlikely to change for the better over the time and is likely to change for the worse once you are hooked. What you see is what you get. 2. She is likely to turn the steam on when sexual intimacy begins. Sex will never be better with her as your relationship advances. Enjoy it while it lasts. And do not connect sexual euphoria with love. They aren't the same thing. 3. When you take her out, pay for everything. It is OK to let her contribute if she picks the venue, such as a concert. 4. Do not maintain a relationship with her on social media. Your relationship should be personal, and then later, intimate. Do not fall into an immediate response routine. Respond to her at your convenience, but then be respectful and energetic and never burdened. 5. You set the reasonable rules and protocols of your relationship. She can only request and you should agree to reasonable things where she doesn't control you. 6. You should cohabitate for maybe 18 months before you agree to marriage. If she has a clandestine plan for you, you will learn it in 18 months. 7. Do not give up anything you do that sustains you, insofar as it does not detract from the basic foundations and agreed purpose of your relationship.  "I'm not comfortable with"  about anything you are doing, except cheating, is off limits. If you want to ride motorcycles or go deer hunting with the guys, give her fair advance notice and then go. Even if you cover all these faces. With precision, she can turn on you. Maybe it will be a better guy. Or maybe she will have just had enough of your framework. That means that she is not for you. 8. You should always have some sort of plan B for what you're going to do if she pulls out. It can be as simple as just living the life that you had before she came along, or, if you are married, Developing an Emergency fund and counter plan for what you are going to do if that day comes. None of this is negative, It is simply self preservation. There is a lot to be said for a flourishing relationship. Friendship, mutual interest, esprit de corps, good sex and successful children. Semper Fidelis (always faithful), Semper Paratus (always ready) and Quod Vidisti Est Quod Acceperis. (What you see is what you get.)

AviatorTom · Accepted Answer

That's true of human nature in general, not just partners. Its easier to criticize, find something wrong with someone than to find something good with them.

sage2021 · Answer

Sounds like a person who is a perfectionist to me.
Being a perfectionist will kill everyone around you.
It's not a good way to be, although I always strived for perfection with everything I did, because I took pride in making things and people perfect, I didn't realize the toll it takes on the people around you to live up to my expectations.
When I was 37, I did a serious re-examination of my life that went on for over a year.
And it was during that time I discovered that perfectionism isn't a good quality to have.
So, I worked very hard to change that part of me. One day my young son and I were raking up the fallen leaves together and having fun with it. He looked at me and said "Mom, your sense of humor has changed" and I replied "Actually it's my character that has changed." He told me "I like it." 🫠 That's when I knew that all the hard work I was doing to be a better person had worked!!🙂

Nikki1989 · Answer

If a partner makes you feel constantly less than, and acts more like your boss than your equal, you are doing yourself a huge favor by ending that relationship.  *A ChatGPT-free opinion* (becoming a rare thing on here lately.)

Zionne · Answer

People who constantly nitpick are usually stuck in a negativity bias like it’s easier to see flaws than wins , may be projecting their own insecurities, or trying to control things they feel powerless over. Set firm boundaries, call out the pattern calmly, and insist on change and if the nagging never stops, walk away, life’s too short to be drained by someone who won’t appreciate you.

mysteriousNicholas · Answer

@finchie40 I'm a perfectionist Finchie - 🤩😋 I think it's best I don't ever lie.

lilyanony1 · Answer

Perhaps they're a miserable person and just can't find satisfaction in anything

exitseven · Answer

some poeple are just "glass half full"people. "

jahaims · Answer

It's a coping mechanism to avoid thoughts and feelings or to justify the thoughts and feelings they want to experience

Jay-_- · Answer

Either the bad over powers the good inside of you so they say something or your partner is just an asshole.

Anonymous · Answer

Probably because of some frustrations they have.

Why do some partners’ overlook the good in their partner and pinpoint the bad?

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Why people do relationship when they are not ready to accept partner bad sides?

Why do some partners’ overlook the good in their partner and pinpoint the bad?

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Why people do relationship when they are not ready to accept partner bad sides?

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