Why focus on something else than the actual issue?

[Noredcarpet]

Doing therapy wirh my partner, he's actually the one doing most of it, no wonder considering what he's been through and going through, and I feel at this point I've wrecked my brain on issues like everything from shoe size to my past love life. From my recollection the relationships I've been in the past that didn't work out for us, these few guys focused on the wrong things to try to put it back together. I was way past that and could not understand why they bothered. On my part I feel as if I could not have been more specific what the issue was, it was not a surprise, not a new topic, and I came to terms with that the only solution was to part ways as they did not want to change. If they were to try to change it would still be too much up hill and the result would not be enough, considering too the damage done before. I have as of recently googled these guys and can see that few of them are with women who I thought they would attract considering who they were back then, so safe to say this is where they were going, and these women are a better match, in one way, but another, and Im sorry if I come across as presumptions, I think they wouldn't hold water. For what ever reason none of them are married which I know was a big must when I was with them, but could be they haven't gotten there or he/them changed their attitude about it. Non of my business really, just something that has surprised me.

Behind my critique back in the day I meant well. I don't think I was what my ex wanted, but needed, but if he did not he did not.

What I have difficulty understanding is if you want to put it back together why focus on everything else that was never an issue to start with? Why waste your energy on the wrong things, your money on lets say useless gifts?

I sincerely felt like the times I brought up the issue during the relationship the guy would be less, but still so, not touching it, get defensive or say he would change this, but then do the exact opposite.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

Because facing the real issue requires honesty, humility, and change and most people avoid all three.

When someone feels the relationship slipping, they grab onto the easiest thing they can control gifts, small gestures, random distractions.

It’s simpler to fix the surface than to confront the part of themselves that’s actually causing the damage.

Real change forces them to look in the mirror.

That’s uncomfortable, especially for someone who isn’t ready to take accountability.

So they focus on everything *except* the root problem,

* Defensiveness instead of reflection

* Promises instead of effort

* Quick fixes instead of growth

Not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to handle the parts of themselves they would need to change.

And when a relationship is already too far gone, even their late attempts don’t land because they’re still repairing symptoms, not the source.

Some people only learn with distance.

Some never learn at all.

Either way, your clarity wasn’t the issue.

Their readiness was.

[Noredcarpet]

Thank you so much for your wisdom, really mean it. The issues we had are valid reasons people today name caused their divorce, only back when this was it was as if he didn't cheat or beat me then I had no right to complain, walk out, and this was the message/attitude too from other girls if I would ever mention something. I felt alone with dealing with the issue and as if I was sensitive but then I had a fighting spirit too inside me thinking if I'm wrong or right it don't matter no more, if I am better off alone, without him, then that is what I have to be. I felt less alone alone. I felt way better, but it was as if they didn't.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

I hear you.

It sounds like you had to face a lot alone and wrestle with feelings that weren’t validated at the time.

It makes sense you felt isolated, but it also sounds like you discovered your own inner strength and clarity through that process.

That fighting spirit you mentioned, that sense of knowing your worth and choosing your peace is exactly what matters.

Feeling less alone now shows how much you’ve grown and reclaimed control over your life.