Has anyone dated someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder)?

[Anonymous]

Do things get better with time, or is this a lifelong condition? I feel like many with BPD don’t want to get help, which is a concern, but I too worry about the self-harm and suicidal tendencies especially when their condition is untreated. I don’t know if all of these are BPD traits, but here are some that I’ve seen in a few women that I’ve dated:
1. Lashing out at their own parents, for no reason, and being especially mean to their father, stepfather, or boss.
2. Saying “I love you” when we have barely met or haven’t even gone on a date, and are just acquaintances.
3. Driving recklessly, like 30+ MPH over the limit, which is like 50+ KM/H for those of us outside the states.
4. Frequent signs of abusing drugs, alcohol, binge eating, not eating, spending sprees on clothing, then selling all their clothing.
5. Fear of abandonment but cannot stand when their husband or boyfriend is at work or not around, then sleeping with other guys.
6. Problems with anger, knocking down doors, breaking things, throwing objects, and destroying valued items like laptops or phones.
7. Unprotected sex with lots of men, then bragging about it to make the partner feel worthless or telling them they caused the cheating.
8. Suicidal thoughts or self injury, often accompanied by anxiety, psychosis, or feelings of paranoia aka “feeling watched all the time”.
9. Unstable self image, unstable relationships, work life imbalance, such as working too much or not showing up, and sabotaging their education.
Would like to note, several were highly intelligent if not extremely intelligent. They had excellent interpersonal skills, portrayed success, and would walk up to you in the office, at a gas station, or at a bar and act like the popular girl in high school with confidence.
Only when I got to know these women better did I learn more about their tendencies. I worked with one and her personality in the office was WAY different than outside, it was like a totally different person.

Updates

6 mo

Update: What are options for treatment if you feel like continuing a relationship with this person is mutually beneficial?

[RxR0954]

Well, i come from a family where men in my family (grandad, dad, and uncle) exhibit very clear bpd traits, and coming from someone who was formally diagnosed with bpd such as myself, i’d say that symtoms manifest differently for different people. What you have mentioned, i have witnessed myself, and when it’s on the other extreme end without therapy/medication it’s terrifying and honestly, enraging having to sit through the meltdowns.
The type of therapy recommended for bpd is dbt, and this require the person to be consistent with their treatment. For medication it could be different for different people. For me i was prescribed quetiapine, my grandad was prescribed something else that i don’t quite remember (for his extreme anger outbursts and physical violence), while my dad and uncle just rawdogged life (probably with some recreational drugs on the side)

For me i find DBT, ACT and family system therapy helpful for my bpd as i often have ptsd flashbacks with my bpd symtoms, and i also have good internal communication with my parts. For others it might be too abstract. But yea in Australia DBT is pretty much the frontline option for BPD, if it doesn’t work then the therapist try other therapies.

[Asker]

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. I didn’t know BPD had a genetic component as I thought it was triggered from childhood trauma, but it seems traits can be passed down. The girl I worked with had a father with similarities although he was just angry a lot. Substance abuse and drugs seem common for those who self-medicated, and I feel sorry as I’m sure it affects everyone around them including their kids. Glad that DBT, ACT, and family therapy helps. I haven’t heard of the latter, but will look into it. Appreciate the detailed reply, hope you are doing well!

[RxR0954]

Oh bpd does have a genetic component but trauma is the main thing that feeds it. For my family it was few hundred years of going to war so it kinda fucked it up for everyone. It does get better with treatment and self awareness tho! I wish you all the best in getting your loved ones into treatment!

[Asker]

Glad that is the case and it sounds like things are looking better for you. Merry Christmas if you celebrate and thanks again for the detailed reply. I’m sorry to hear you had to deal with trauma and your family’s history. Wishing you the best too!