How do you react to small digs from your partner?

[Anonymous]

After a year of dating I shared today with my partner that I made a picture of us as my wallpaper on my phone
I thought it was a sweet thing to do and I like seeing this picture of us together
Instead of saying oh that’s cute , I got met with what is this
When I mentioned what I had done, I got met with after brownie points are we
I was a bit gobsmacked tbh
Thoughts on this reaction from him?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Without more context about your dynamic, it's tough to have an opinion here.

If his personality is a lot about sarcasm and derision then it fits, if his personality is about acting edgy then it fits too. So I can either see a sharp guy or a jerk, what separates one from the other is how psychosocially fit he is.

A clever guy knows when sarcasm lands badly, and he will want to fix the situation one way or another.

A jerk isn't psychosocially competent so he will offend you and shrug his way out, because he doesn't give a shit about consequences.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

To answer your question though, I don't always proceed the same, but I also know how to not confuse jerkiness with sarcasm. I'm often dating girls who are as mushy as they are caustic, and I'm the same, so we usually navigate that seamlessly since we're flexible.

[Asker]

He’s more the shrugging off type and it’s my reaction that would be a problem not his own behaviour that has caused me the reaction that I am giving to him
Hope that makes more sense

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Yeah, so I think HollyK21 answered everything there is to know and think about in this situation

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I'm a little sensetive but I usually just remind myself that I am and assume the best. Which usually works best either way.

Like say she was being serious, it's not worth getting worked up over one thing. If you're gonna be life partners you're going to lose your temper, say something stupid or out of frustration sometimes. So you may as well learn how to react in a way where longevity is the goal.

[Asker]

I didn’t react to it in a negative manner it’s not my style
I was just taken back at his reaction to it

[MontBlanc]

It depends on the intent and frequency.

Occasional playful teasing can be taken lightly, but if the digs feel mean spirited or repeated, I usually pause and address it calmly.

Communicating how it makes me feel and setting boundaries helps prevent resentment while keeping the relationship healthy.

[Asker]

Thank you for your honesty and reply

[HollyK21]

Could you clarify this:


“When I mentioned what I had done, I got met with after brownie points are we”

[Asker]

He asked what is this , I said it’s the wallpaper on my phone
He then replied after brownie points are you

[HollyK21]

Is he often rude to you? Is this like a first offense?

[Asker]

It happens regularly yea

[HollyK21]

Gotcha. I ask because if he’s regularly mean or rude with you then this one specific instance doesn’t necessarily matter, he’s just gonna be a jerk no matter what. In which case you have bigger fish to fry and a lot to consider, like if being mistreated is something you’d like to look forward in this relationship. I’m sure the good times make you happy, but it doesn’t matter when he can easily flip the script to disrespect you, and has made a habit of doing so.

[Asker]

I think you are on to something here , I didn’t like how it made me feel
I didny expected heart and flowers but a hey that’s sweet would have been nice

[HollyK21]

You were just trying to do something cute, as most girlfriends and wives enjoy doing. It’s really messed up for him to make you feel guilty, ashamed or embarrassed for trying to express your feelings for him. He’s probably the type to pose whatever he says to you as a joke, but it’s not fucking funny. In fact I think it’s quite emotionally immature, similar to a young boy saying “ew you have cooties”. You can only laugh or brush it off to a certain extent before it should become totally unattractive to you.

[Asker]

That’s so so true because it makes me emotionally detached and in my head I’m like why am I trying over here and I do something nice and then there’s this as a reaction?
I get everyone has a different response or love language but when your partner does something kind of/jice/loving some appreciation makes someone feel seen and valued

[HollyK21]

You are 100% correct. What’s more is that you don’t wanna get to a place where you avoid performing acts of love towards him altogether. Mainly because you won’t wanna be degraded or laughed at for trying to show him how you feel. If I were you, I’d really consider getting out of that before he’d have a chance to do it first. Immaturity is one thing, but to be so mean about it, usually those are signs that he’s losing interest. I think you’d be super pissed if he acted first, because you’ve probably thought about it but your hopes for change or your rationalizing his actions is what kept you around. It would be hurtful to see him do what you couldn’t, when it should’ve been you.

[Asker]

You are very right there and it has made me think about how I would like to be consistently treated and this is not what I would like on a weekly basis

[HollyK21]

It’s beyond just not liking it — you don’t deserve it. To be fair, I’m not sure if you’ve actually had a conversation with him about the comments he makes, and if you haven’t then it’s worth considering. Mainly because it’s hard to fault him if you don’t articulate the problem, and then he has the opportunity to correct himself. However if you have made mention of this and he’s either been dismissive, gaslighting, or taking no accountability then there’s nothing else to be done. You’d either have to settle into getting used to being treated like this, assuming this is just part of who he is, or make the hard decision to walk away. Don’t get me wrong, breakups suck no matter what but at the end of the day you deserve to be treated with love and respect, not weekly nonsense.

[Cyfris]

I'm gonna guess your guy is a bit of a clown.. his reaction made me laugh. I think you are reading to much in to it and in the wrong direction. He essentially agreed to you earning brownie points. there is nothing negative in what he said.. He came he saw he conquered. You put it in his face looking for a reaction. You can't predetermine his reaction for him.

[Asker]

I don’t think I have earned any brownie points with it , he’s quite harsh and direct and he would have meant it more in a way that would be more sarcastic

[Cyfris]

I still think you are reading to deeply. He is harsh so of course his reaction won't be butterflies and flower emojis, He is a man so he won't respond to being put on the spot with open arms and tears in his eyes. If he really hated it he would have said you are not going win brownie points with me like that. that would have been negative. As a man I think is quite similar to yours if it was as big of a deal to him as your reaction to it has been he would have responded very differently. Truth is he prolly just doesn't give a sweet fuck about it either way.. It doesn't make him all warm and fuzzy inside and it doesn't make scared or insecure. All it does is make him spend his precious time on something that has no impact on his life or goals. Men don't feel about those thing women do. If you want validation tell your girlfriends about it and show them.. I'm sure they will all agree it's nice.

[Asker]

Thank you for your honest reply on it

[MidnightRivers]

Call them out right there and then and adress how I feel about it,

[Asker]

Thank you for your reply, I was taken back by the response of him tbh

[MidnightRivers]

That's pretty petty from him I would definitely call him out on it

[Asker]

Yea I think it’s not a nice reaction to someone showing you their wallpaper and way of saying hey I love seeing you and me every time I look at my phone

[MidnightRivers]

Unless he means it in a flirty way to playfully dig at you, if it has really affected you deifntiely bring it up with him not to make you feel uncomfortable like that

[Asker]

I know him and I wasn’t in a flirty way more in a oh you’re sucking up on me way and that wasn’t my intention I did it from my heart, I am nowhere to be found on his wallpaper or social media so it isn't not to prompt him to do it
I did it out of love

[MidnightRivers]

I’m not a particularly lovey-dovey guy, but even I’d take something like that as endearing rather than sucking up. It sounds like you did it from a genuine place.

[Asker]

Exactly I know we are all different but the wallpaper was genuine an from a loving place , no other way to describe it

[MidnightRivers]

In this case, perhaps there's soemthing going on adjacent to your relationship on his end, it would be worthwhile having a serious conversation about it

[Nikki1989]

One dig would probably be too much.

[Asker]

Yea it’s not the first time

[Jeff51]

He didn't like it i guess. Wonder why. It was a nice thing yo do.

[Asker]

I personally thought it was a nice and thoughtful thing to do
If it was done for me, I would be over the moon

[Jeff51]

Did you ask him why he doesn't like it?

[Asker]

No I didn’t because I was quite taken back by the response
He regularly makes digs at me and it always makes me feel like shit tbh

[jahaims]

My partner isn't immature so that doesn't happen