What to say when my dad belittles me? Please help?

[Anonymous]

"Everyone except you works two jobs while they're at university. Why don't you do anything? You just sit at home alone all day while your friends have graduated and other people are out making a living. Why couldn't you manage to graduate in four years like everyone else?"

Can't fucking take this much longer. For the record, after taking a double major for four years and ending up with extra credits that prevented me from graduating on time, I'm enrolled in six online classes which are incredibly time-consuming because I'm teaching myself subjects like psychology and anthropology. So what can I say to shut him up for good? He spews this bullshit at me every chance he gets and could care less than I got A's in my first two classes, just got an article published online, and was recently accepted to be a Big Sister (mentor).

[Anonymous]

Honestly , there isn't anything you can say. People don't change. I know this sucks. The best advise I can give you is to stay motivated and block him out. I know this is much easier said than done. The sooner you finish your courses, the sooner you can start your own life and get out of there. You don'
t need it.
I applaud you for what you have achieved so far. Keep going!

[Asker]

Thank you. That was very sweet.

[misplaced_downer]

I can help wid this... my dad was really bad... he belittled almost my entire life... so from one mentally abused person 2 another.. i'll say concentrate on ur subjects, do ur best and then get an awesome job! Then shove ur achievements on his face!! Actions r stronger than words... never cave in2 his barbs.. so good luck and godspeed!!

[Asker]

Thanks. It sucks that you went through something similar. To be fair, my dad does do nice things like pay for my schooling and travel and occasionally take me out for a movie or meal, and it's not like he's a bad person. He just doesn't understand how fucked up it is to constantly say these things that make me feel so terrible. He used to call me lazy and unmotivated until I finally screamed at him to shut up... after that he stopped with those names, but these other comments about not graduating on time and not bothering to get a job keep on coming.

[misplaced_downer]

Well... when v were living abroad he was pretty cool, a bit easy on us... but the when we came back 2 our home country he just lost it... he would beat, constantly compare, hated having my friends over.. ridiculed whatever achievements I had made seem worthless and that's how I remembered him and I have massive insecurity issues coz o him...

[Asker]

FYI I was going to choose your answer as MHO, accidentally clicked on someone else's answer.

Actually, same with us... he was very chill when we lived abroad. We had a lot of fun exploring the places we lived in. Then when we came back he went back to being an angry stress case who took his anger out on my mum and I.

Sorry to hear about what you went through. Hopefully you'll be able to move past those issues.

[misplaced_downer]

Nah it's cool... I'm just glad that I could help someone face such probs... well I'm slowly moving past my insecurities... been a struggle coz 1) I suck wid girls or should I say I can't attract anyone coz I have very low self esteem so girls basically like douchebags and overconfident guys.. since m neither gets me nowhere..2) Due to my dads constant barbs I had a horrid childhood and constantly got bullied... anyway m glad that there's a site like this coz u can talk about anything u want without being judged or ridiculed and even make new friends if possible... so yea good luck!! Ur not from India right?

[Asker]

That sucks :( I'm sure you'll find a girl one day soon. Just keep being yourself - you sound like a nice guy to me. And hey, not at all girls like douhebags - the majority of my friends prefer nice guys over jerks.

I'm of Indian origin but was born in Canada.

[Asker]

Douchebags*

[misplaced_downer]

Thanks!! err... ok this may seem a little weird but do u mind if v can talk on the message thing//

[Anonymous]

Hand him some diarrhea relief tablets and tell him he as a terrible case of verbal diarrhea!

[Asker]

Crap. I clicked MHO by accident.

[Opinion Owner]

Victory is mine anyway.

[Asker]

Yea, I suppose it is... it's fine, your comment actually was funny.

[Opinion Owner]

jolly good. You're dad's a dickhead by the way. You've got to make him aware of the challenge you face, list the goals you've got, what you're accomplishing, the achievements to date etc. Tell him you're in your lane, it's not constructive to distract you with negative comments about how you're not doing enough, in fact you've actually got too much on your plate to entertain this bullshit, then end the conversation there.

[Asker]

Thanks. :(

[parkway]

Call a church and tell them you have a broken toy for them to fix. No father should belittle his child while she is making forward progress.

[Asker]

Not Catholic/Christian, but thank you. You're right.

[Klaatu51]

he shuld realise...

nobody's perfect 8)

[Anonymous]

your dad is super toxic and retarded, no offense. find a cheap appartment alone and find your peace. he'll cause you some serious issues if you stay there. find a job, an appartment, and your peace.

[Opinion Owner]

grow some femballs gurl! happiness is earned.

[Asker]

Retarded? Nope... he doesn't have a mental retardation.

There are very few available cheap apartments in my city. I'd rather save my money by living at home until I graduate and find a way to stop him from making me feel shitty.

I don't have time for a job while I'm in school, otherwise I'd get one and this while problem would go away.

[Opinion Owner]

he is retarded for treating his daughter like this. if you wanna remain a pussy, remain a pussy. remain in your uncomfortable comfort zone. i d get out of there asap though. or else, learn to be humble and shallow his humiliations... .

[Opinion Owner]

you can be straight and simple ilke this "dad, if you let me have a peace of mind and stop pressuring me, i'll be able to finish faster and aid you and our family economically etc. the more you helpme emotionally the more we will all benefit as a family." also truth is he is responsible to a degree for your upbringing so lazy-shamin you is like indirectly shaming himself... .

[Asker]

Do you realize that by calling me a pussy you're being just as mentally abusive as he is?

[Opinion Owner]

the words are there to wake you up not abuse you. its like you ignored all the rest that i wrote.

[Asker]

You could've easily used an equally effective word to get your point across that wasn't rude, untrue and insensitive.

[Asker]

And I don't believe happiness is earned when it comes to one's own parents.

[Opinion Owner]

anyway take the advice or leave it. and if you get butthurt so easily i wonder how you didn't go insane by his insults already. the phrase dont be a pussy is commonly used and it wasn't meant to be that heavy/hurtful. anyway, you better mature and humble up a bit, cause in your working environmnt tommorow you'll meet bosses who'll make me and your dad seem like saints... . adios muchacha.

[Opinion Owner]

thats why i said go away. i went away at my college years and found my peace of mind. i had shittier parents than yours.

[Asker]

I respect myself too much to stay at a job with a boss who treats me like shit. Been there, done that.

Yes, I also went away for university. I was on the other side of the country. He still found a way to work my laziness into the conversation whenever I called home.

I never said I have shitty parents. My mother is an amazing woman; incredibly smart and successful. President of two foundations. Dad is very smart, educated, an excellent engineer, etc... he just doesn't know how to treat his kid.

[Opinion Owner]

all his diplomas and prizes dont mean shit if he can't be a good person and a good father. he is not that successful after all if he hides all these insecurities that he bursts at you. as i said you can be straight and honest, and tell him it doesn't help you concentrate etc. that is a counterproductive approach and that you need emotional support.

[Opinion Owner]

i deserved mho but anyway. i was the only one who offered true advices. the shove your achieevments in his face thing the other guy said isn't a solution cause 1) you'll becme an insecure ass like him, and b) it won't stop him from being an abusive ass, and he can always ask for more and more and never recognize your achievements as important.

[Asker]

I appreciate that you're trying to help, but I don't like that you assume so much. I've told him many times how he makes me feel; he'll sometimes mumble an apology and offer to do something nice afterwards, but then it'll start up again a few days later. So my point is that being straight-up with him didn't get us anywhere as he still doesn't understand how I feel, even after my mum and I explained it to him.

[Opinion Owner]

then make your own life and family and have as little contact with him as possible. in the ancient times, till recently actually, there were no kids. from 13-14 you could open a house of your own and be a responsible adult. cutting the ties with yuor parents is inevitable. i honestly wouldn't miss my dad at all if i never spoke to him again, but i guess yours while whiny is not as shitty as mine.

[Asker]

Yeah. I'm trying - I have a wonderful, older boyfriend who's the complete opposite of my dad. Not controlling or aggressive at all. If I had the money I'd move to the States and live with him ASAP.

[Valentina_fs18262313]

I don't know how long this one way conversation was but I would honestly like to say that your advice was completely wasted on a person who was not ready to the hear the truth you were saying she was very defensive and closed minded

[Anonymous]

just ignore him.

[Asker]

Easier said than done when I live in their house.