He treats me like a therapist, doesn't do anything with his life. Is it bad I want to cut him off?

[baddiska]

So basically I (22F) have a friend (22M), we've known each other for three years. During this time he has changed his mind about his life path like 8161718 times and still says he doesn't know what to do in life.

He lives in some small town with his mom (that he complains about all the time that she's toxic) and changed his major to some shxt in a city 2,5h away from his hometown - at first he wanted to move there but I guess he doesn't rush.

He has classes every two weeks and always complains about it. He worked in some small company without perspectives or anything 40 mins away from his home. He got fired in November and has been unemployed since.

I advised him to invest this time, maybe learn a language, something useful - he doesn't want to. He just sits at home and does nothing which is funny because he always complained that his mom is poor and he had to work and couldn't live a 'normal student life' just like others... and now he literally doesn't earn anything so what would be the difference if he studied daily instead of on the weekends. Anyways I study medicine and hearing him complain all the time is just annoying.

Last weekend it was my birthday and he forgot about it. I stopped talking to him, I'm not a birthday person but it's just embarrassing how I'm always giving him advice (that he doesn't listen to) and listening about his life problems and he wouldn't even remember about my day to show that he cares. I literally mentioned my birthday on Thursday so I guess he just dgaf and only cares about his problems.

I feel like I have outgrown him, it's crazy to me that someone is 22 and has no goals, no hobbies, no interests. I'm from a big city but felt suffocated and moved to a bigger one for uni so I can't imagine being 22 and still living in some shxthole like him. Everyone from my high school is achieving amazing things.

Do you think that I made a right decision to cut him off? He's my only close friend but is he? What do I get out of it?

[ammar12343]

I think you made the right decision. When you’re 22 it’s okay to pivot your path. I did that plenty of times, and it overwhelmed everybody around me. Having said that, I ended up successful with the path I chose. My issue is that too many things interested me in my twenties and I tried to pursue too much at once lacking the discipline to stick to one thing to actually create mastery and make meaningful strides.


It sounds like he’s on a different route than I was though, so it’s hard to empathize. If he’s complaining about life this much at 22, that only gets worst with age as he’s creating a negative feedback loop. Wait till he starts to actually get his ass kicked by life and watches his peers surpass him. He’ll become even more bitter.


Then again, 22 is so young. He has plenty of time to change that trajectory. So the decision is yours, but if he was holding you back, I think cutting him off was the right move. You’re on your way to becoming wildly successful. Sometimes that path can look lonely on the way up. You end up in this weird in between phase where you’re not quite peers with the group you want, but you’ve left your old social sphere behind. Just don’t fall into the ivory tower trap once you make it. It’s a fine line.

[ammar12343]

I also want to mention some aspects of humility here too. He could likely be going through a phase of depression or something eating at him. I think if you build social connections from a hierarchical perspective, you can miss out on a lot of valuable connections.

Here’s an example. So my job is to present complex mathematical findings from data to stakeholders and executives. A lot of people who work in data science see a lot of their audience as inferior because we essentially have to dumb things down to people aren’t as technical. When they object your findings, but don’t have logical reasoning behind it, it can be easy to assume what they’re saying doesn’t carry merit. Especially when they have a subtle egocentric or condescending tone behind it. The reality is that most of these people have valuable heuristic like thinking and more domain expertise. They just can’t communicate in the same depth you can.

Point being is that sometimes there’s a lot
of hidden value disguised as a headache. Who knows, after med school, you can become entirely burnt out and end up in a similar position as him. At that time, maybe he overcame that struggle, and you come to him for guidance.

[baddiska]

yeah the thing with him is that nothing interests him at all. he's unemployed, doesn't study - and he does nothing all day. id use this time to do some courses, certificates, learn a language or even go to the gym, watch movies or read books. i know that with time he will become even more annoying because in my country its actually better when u r a student, they hire u faster. he studies communication and doesn't do anything with it so when he graduates he will just have a paper, no skills or experience. he's already bitter towards me because i study medicine and put a lot of work to be here. he has plenty time to change his trajectory, sure, but he's not doing anything at the moment. i think its important to just do something, get knowledge or experience in any field, even working in a fast food place in the city he wanted to move in. i think if he did that he would also get to know new people and figure out his path. sitting at home and thinking won't give u an answer to 'what do i want to do with life'

[baddiska]

he doesn't have depression, he's just childish, lazy, he's scared of adult life and can't make decisions and can't face the consequences of his actions. its time to grow up.

i understand what u mean and its not like i only want to be friends with prodigies and geniuses, i kinda hate people in my med school, lots of them is very individualistic and stuck up. its just i like people who have interests, goals. i even had a friend who studies history, he doesn't know what he will do after it but he's just so passionate about it. its inspiring. i wouldn't care that my friend is unemployed and doesn't want to study but only if he was transparent about it. but he only makes excuses and blames everyone and everything. he won't work in a corner shop, in a restaurant, in a fast food place or even have a corporate job because 'its embarrassing' lol. so its better to sit at home, do nothing, dont earn anything? lazy behaviour

[Levin]

I have cut quite a few friends off. In some cases, it was a very brutal thing to do.

But I always think it's better to be alone than in bad company. It gives you space to meet someone new.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You don’t have to cut him off, you can just make it clear you’re going to stop giving him advice if he never takes it. I can understand the frustration of trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If he relies on you for any kind of support, he’ll notice when it’s gone. But if you’re just past the point of no return, then go ahead and cut him off.

[AMS700CX4u2]

Houston we have a problem. Mission Control: Jettison your Useless Parasitic Cargo. Roger that Houston.

[bowenw]

Our loves are constantly changing. People come and go. We get new interests. Don't feel bad about moving on from someone if all they do is drag you down.