How do I deal with my dad encouraging my toddler to use violence?

[Anonymous]

I'll be living with my peaceful husband soon. Honestly, sometimes whenever I hear my father talking greatly about violence and physical punishment, it makes me want to puke. It feels like someone with poor education speaking. He believes it's either that or sweet talkings; talking in extremes.

My son is a toddler (16 months old) and my father kept saying that one day in the future, if his classmates insult him, he can beat them, break their nose and let's see if they were ever bother him again. Meanwhile my husband is the type to get away from arguments. The only single time he ever got physical with another man is when that man grabbed his neck and started chocking him. But he stopped when the guy was neutralized and left afterwards.

I have my husband's same concept. If my son ever deals with a rude classmate in the future, I would advice him to reply back with words or report it. I wouldn't want my son to lay the first fist unless it's really in self-defense and the other boy just attacked my son and isn't stopping. Otherwise, I hate violence and physical punishment. I hate the idea of hitting when it's not in real, legitimate self-defense.

Updates

4 d

I can't stand people that use violence for words and think getting respect is getting feared. Isn't giving a classmate a beating just because he called you names going too far?
If my son were to follow that horrible advice, he can be expelled for that or I can get sued by the other boy's parents since it's not self-defense at all.

Updates

4 d

My father makes fun of my gentle approach. He thinks my gentle approach is about only sweet talkings and being a pushover. It's not. I still believe in rules. I still believe you can physically defend yourself against someone physically attacking you nonstoppable and trying to hurt you badly.

[Anonymous]

I would take it seriously, but I wouldn't turn it into a huge family war either. Your son is only 16 months old, so right now he's not going to understand the message the way an older child would. But as he grows, those comments can become part of what he learns about handling conflict.

I'd probably tell your dad calmly, “I know you're trying to teach him not to let people push him around, but I don't want him learning that hurting someone is the answer to being insulted. If someone hurts him, I want him to know how to protect himself, get away, and tell an adult.”

And honestly, your husband's example sounds like a much healthier lesson. Defending yourself when someone is physically attacking you is very different from teaching a child to punch someone because they said something mean.

Your son can grow up knowing that he doesn't have to be a bully or a punching bag. He can be confident, stand up for himself, walk away when possible, and defend himself when genuinely necessary. Those are very different things. ❤️

[lightbulb27]

As the Bible says, "words are like swords". So they are.

For some, you use words and it gets physical. Others are strong enough to take the words.

Your son will have to make those decisions and factor in the options. Ideally, using superior words but recognizing... if a sword is used, it may get ugly.

Tell your dad to go watch a war movie, like to hell and back, or Hacksaw Ridge. He will appreciate that. Also tell him he's less than 2, ya don't talk like that at that age.

[Asker]

I want to teach my son emotional regulation and patience, what many adults, many parents lack. I want him to be a healthy, adult that have self-control. I like martial arts myself but as a fun sports and basic knowledge about some defensive moves, not to beat up others.

The only single time I would approve of him punching a classmate would be in a real, self-defense case, when it was really necessary. If a classmate got physically first and is hurting him, off course my son can defend himself. But hitting first over words? Yuck

[Asker]

Honestly I see people that use violence for words as weak. I don't really have respect for them.

[lightbulb27]

I took a lot of abuse as a kid, was sensitive, it's not good. It impacted me. Learning religious/spiritual/Christ tools later in life helped me handle conflict better... have empathy for the abuser without bringing me down. It's another way of looking at people. I see young kids at church with that disposition... it's training in confidence. That is the best emotional option. The other is always have open communication so they can share what happened and how they feel. Any repetition can warp a kid.
I took martial arts later in life and helped train kids and adults. It is good for their confidence building and emotional strenth. They have to feel safe in their own skin how to handle conflict.

The last tool is how to communicate, joke around and talk back. If can use words to cut down a bully or jab back, it works in cases. I've seen that used effectively, if he's the witty type.

yes it's weak to hit back from words, means one can't handle the words. I've had that happen on GAG... my post gets censored. Weak! If can take criticism or even constructive, much healthier.

But try telling your son..."yea, I mean is that true, to some, you are kinda ugly". that won't work. You have to raise the frame up to "God" in my view, loves you.. short of that mom.. but mom/dad can be taken away... so God! The issue is everyone wants to be included, feel secure, feel confident and loved. won't get love from everyone, that's a good lesson itself. Gotta figure out the world order... but little at a time.

[Iron_Man]

Talk to your father what is he talking about? Exactly why is he talking to a baby about physical violence? Is he talking about boxing or sports anyway you’re supposed to raise the baby and not talk about violence. I can understand if he’s talking about sports boxing 🥊 and football 🏈 that you gotta be tough and have intensity, but not to go out and be violent to people for no reason

[Asker]

Exactly. I've practiced Judo in the past for a year and I was never thinking about beating up others if they insult me. I find that ridiculous.
I have no issues enrolling my son in mixed martial arts (I like MMA) but the way my father talks is wrong.

[Asker]

If my son were to really use violence against another kid just because of words said, honestly he would deserved to get suspended. You can't just beat up others just because they called you names.

[Iron_Man]

That’s ridiculous. Is your father drinking when he does that? You don’t teach a kid violence to go after people like I said if you’re playing sports, you teach them to win have the eye of the tiger, but you don’t punish people on the streets.

[Asker]

Nope, I wish he was drunk when saying that but he isn't. Other times he keeps repeating the story of how my mother's uncle once called him stupid and he immediately wanted to fight him. He was already taking off his shirt and telling my mother's uncle ''ok then let's go outside and fight''. Luckily a family member broke that fight before it began and my mom's uncle back down, left afterwards.

My parents were just boyfriend and girlfriend at that time. Needless to say I would be so turned off. My husband is different. He would be leaving after getting called stupid. He would just walk away. My father thinks walking away after getting called stupid is being weak. I think the opposite. Using fist for words is weak to me.

[Iron_Man]

I’m sorry to hear that, but I don’t think the baby’s gonna be able to understand your father at that age but you better talk to your father in a way because that’s not a good influence on the kid

[Asker]

I know. That's a terrible influence. I've already tried talking to my father and he's close-minded. He made fun of my approach, kept cutting me during my explanation and thinks it's only his way, that he's right.

[Iron_Man]

Maybe he needs to go to counseling