Girl who likes me thinks I can do better than her?

Question

I'll do this as a list so it is easy to understand.

- We both like each other

- We've told each other our feelings

- She hasn't had many boyfriends, her last in February

- I think she is very beautiful, she wonders why I think that and says she is 'ugly'

- She doesn't rate herself much

- I've told her on quite a few occasions how she is beautiful, etc. but she denies it usually

- She thinks, judging by how 'good looking' I am, I can do much better than her.

- She feels selfish from keeping me from meeting other girls, but she is the girl I'd rather get to know more

- We got into a kind of argument through messaging and she started saying 'i should move on' and that I'm too good for her because I get high expectations of her, however this isn't true as I like her for who SHE is, I just got annoyed lately that she was making it difficult to like her or get near her at times.

- Then I thought she was letting me down nicely, she said she wasn't.

- She assumes I don't know what I want and was giving me options, that I should either move on OR just carry on as we are and meet

- I told her, I don't want better because I want her.

- She says in another message that she really thinks I can do better.

The thing is we both like each other and she is insecure of herself, but I don't want better as I want her! She thinks she isn't good enough for me and confused why I'm not looking at the 'prettier' and 'more gorgeous' looking girls.. when in fact I think that sums up her.

Help please :(

Prof_Don · Accepted Answer

(this is a long one; I tried to format it so it's easy on the eyes)

Homeboy...this sounds VERY similar to the situation with my girl. I know how mind-boggling it is, to love her with everything you got, & she seems to be pushing you away because of it.

She, like my girl (we're not "official" atm), may be going through depression. The illness (yes, it is an illness) has the person's emotions completely distraught (aka "in shambles"), so she is probably saying things that she truly doesn't mean. Pessimism, apathy (aka "whatever attitude") & extreme guilt / shame are also apparent symptoms.

Regardless of what she says, she REALLY doesn't want you to leave her, although that's what her words say. In her mind:

1) She feels guilty, by thinking that she's bogg'n you down with her imperfections, & "tainting" a good person like you because of them. (aka the "too good for me" idea)

2) She feels like she's holding you back from finding someone more "compatible" for you, because she feels like she's "trouble" for you.

3) She feels shameful that although she loves you very much, her depression numbs her "butterflies" & excitement for you, & therefore she comes off as uninterested, unaffectionate, & overall "blah". Trust me, if she loves you, she REALLY wants to "snap out of it", but can't do it, & that can lead to even more guilt & shame. It's a deadly cycle. :(

What can I tell you to do? Do what I'm doing. Ask her what she wants you to do, & do it, EXCEPT MOVE ON (breakup is OK, cauz it'll be temporary). If you're certain that she loves u, if she says this, I'm 100% certain that deep down she doesn't mean it, so simply ignore those words. That's the depression talking, not her. She needs you, the man in her life that loves her, to get through this. She really doesn't wanna lose u. Don't let her depression talk you into making that big mistake. When you do comm. with her, make sure to let her know that you're not moving on, that you love her, & that you DONT hate her for how things are atm. Also, make sure to give compliments. Depression is also linked to insecurity, & that is why this is important.

Trust me, as a fellow man, I know how much it hurts to see your SO suffer & you can't do anything but give space & wait. Men are meant to be problem-solvers& be proactive...& doing the above doesn't feel like being proactive. But it is, & once she gets better (not necessarily 100%) & y'all get back 2gether, she'll remember that you stuck by her, even when she didn't want you to, & she'll be eternally grateful to have such a strong & loving man like you. :)

ShesMygirl · Accepted Answer

When she says you can do better, ask her why she seems to think that's her decision make.

When she says it again, tell her you put in a call and the answer from heaven was that they were not sending anymore angels in the next 30 or so years. You have your heart set on one, so she's stuck with you.

You get to decide who you want.

What gives her the right to make up your mind for you?

If she is so sure you won't like her, tell her you want proof...and...well...her word just isn't good enough.

Start bringing her a single flower every day you see her. Let her know the only way you will stop is if she disappears...and then there's always the yellow pages, and hiring a detective working out of a poorly lit office who hears a hat and a trench coat and can find her if the price is right.

If you really think she might be the one...step up your game and pour it on.

My wife thought she was ugly...and she still from time to time has a moment or two... I only know if I had backed off I would have missed out on the greatest love of my life.

If she has feelings, she will eventually go from making statements about you doing better, to asking why you won't go, and eventually to that glimmer that you might be serious.

It's a long road, and it doubles back on itself constantly...but in the end if she is the one, and you can win her over...well...life can be very good.

I wish you lots of luck, and twice as much patience.

Miss_All_Time_Low · Accepted Answer

Wow. You sound quite the gentleman. :O

Yeah, you know, I understand her. And I know her behavior is a bit extreme (she probably thinks she's doing you a favour), but I think she's actually really in love with you and simply doesn't want to get hurt. That is because she has low self-esteem, indeed.

Well, at some point, she will have to stop this. It's very hard to gain trust from a person like her and then it's also usually very hard to lose it. That's why she's being careful while also thinking she isn't good enough for you and that she's no match for the "more beautiful" girls.

You should maybe tell her all that. Tell her you know and understand, but then count all the things you love about HER ... or do things that will gain you her trust, like taking her out often, paying her attention and being interested about her hobbies and interests. Keep this up for a while, try to break down her defence ... and it even that doesn't work, you'll have to stop at some point.

It'll be tough but she is literally writing her own destiny. If she keeps this up, she will even shake YOU off - a guy that genuinely loves her and thinks she's beautiful. That will be her fault.

Perhaps she's been hurt in the past. Either way, I hope you make this work. I'm certain she isn't shrugging you off - she feels dangerously in love and is afraid you will leave her at the end or find someone better. Which I know is no excuse for the behaviour.

If you give her space or go nuts about it, maybe she will even come after you and realize she's overreacting. Hopefully.

Best of luck. x

vmw2008 · Accepted Answer

I think this girl is a lost cause. For 2 reasons.

1) She's extremely insecure. If you did happen to get her in a relationship, which it doesn't seem that she'll let you, you'll always have to reassure her about everything. Her looks, your feelings for her, why you don't want to see other women, etc.

2) She doesn't seem all that interested. Women can be very complicated, I'll be the first to admit it.

My brother was in the exact same situation as you. This girl (who's very pretty) gave him the run around for 2 years. Saying all the time how he was too good for her, she wasn't pretty enough, she's too messed up for him, etc. And when he thought she was just letting him down nicely, she assured him that wasn't the case. However, about month after that she started dating someone else.

In my opinion, the girl may mean what she is saying to you, but it comes from a place of not wanting to date either. She likes the attention you show her though, and she doesn't want to lose it. She also wants to be polite. Girls like this rarely come out and tell a guy they're just not interested because they feel mean.

Having said all that, I think it would be smart to put her in the friend category and move on.

littlemissgorgeous · Accepted Answer

I don't think you should give up on her.

First of all, has she been hurt by another guy in the past? If she has, you have to be patient and let her build up her self confidence again. Or does she not have much relationship experience, because maybe if she hasn't felt wanted before, she may find it hard to believe someone is interested in her now.

Show her how much she means to you, keep being friends for now, take her out and do things with her, stay in and do things with her, let her see how much you enjoy spending time with her and how much you enjoy her. I think its really the simple things that matter, not big elaborate gestures, although they can be nice occasionally.

But at the same time, don't rush her into anything more serious, and try not to be to over the top with compliments, I mean I personally feel a little awkward if I'm getting bombarded with them. Try and stay supportive of her, as hard as it may seem, I think she'll come around.

Hope that was at least kinda helpful :)

Don_Garb · Answer

I would call her bluff. Tell her that you really did like her once but she has convinced you otherwise and you're now looking for something better. Tell her this early in the evening when the two of you are out together. So now that you're just friends, she can do what good friends do: help you get laid. So go to a party or a club and expect her to help you pick out a fine woman for you, and help things move along by advocating for you. So if she was bluffing, she will find this situation intolerable. If she was telling the truth then she'll help you find a hot girl. Either way you'll know.

I think it's important to take the driver's seat with this girl and keep her off balance and force her to react to new things that you introduce. It sounds like she is getting pleasure from screwing up your head and turning you into a confused submissive. Ask her what were the times when she was the most hurt and the most humiliated. If she's a psychopath with no feelings for others then she won't be able to answer those questions.

CuddlyCarla · Answer

I'm sorry you are going through this but honestly, I would move on. Why would you even want to be with a girl that didn't like or respect herself? Someone who can't be there for themselves will never be able to be there for you in any healthy way. Love comes from within and if you don't have it, you can't share it. If she's telling you that you are too good for her, take her advice. Find someone that is worthy of you and knows her value and she'll treat you much better and be a far healthier option. Also, if she doesn't want you to get close to her, maybe there's a reason for that. Don't disrespect her wishes by constantly pushing yourself on her, if she doesn't want you then find someone who does. You shouldn't have to be a detective and figure out if this girl is into you or not, if she's sending out that many mixed messages she obviously doesn't know who she is and what she wants and that's no good for either of you. And by telling her you 'don't want better, you just want her' you are actually insulting her because you are agreeing with her stance that she isn't good enough for you. And what's wrong with you that you don't want better? You deserve better, unless you are a bad guy and then just take what you can get, an insecure girl will probably put up with it. If she can't see in herself what you can, there's nothing you can do to make her come around, this is her problem and her issue and it's going to become yours if you involve yourself. If you respect and like yourself, find someone with the same healthy attitude. Again, if you are just like her, not interested in yourself and convinced you deserve less, go for it.

Spikes105466 · Answer

Unfortunately there is little you can do. The girl is obviously insecure, to the point where it becomes annoying. You can't change a girls insecurity, that is something she has to discover for herself. Even you helping her by saying she is beautiful and she is still saying she is ugly and she doesn't know why you are with her.

However, usually when a girl says that "you can get other girls" that means she doesn't want a serious relationship or is unsure of even creating one in the first place. I would suggest you go see other girls, because this relationship will become a real downer later on if she continues this. You need some time away. Maybe there is hope (if you really really really love her) that she can see for herself that she isn't ugly. I would break it off with her because she is stalling it and in someways asking for it. She doesn't want a relationship, nor does she want to be the one responsible for ending it (but we already know she is truly responsible).

Time will heal all wounds, so keep her as a friend if you really like her... However, trust me...In most cases, staying her friend when you really like her, will hurt you... Meaning you would need to break it off completely. At least until she matures and is ready for a relationship, but that is very unlikely. Sorry bro, I know how you feel and what you are going to go through. Just remember, none of this is your fault, you tried to help her and tried to create something... She didn't want to. :(

blueyaa · Answer

Take this girl out on a surprise date, maybe a picnic or a nice dinner. Make it romantic, this way there is no way for her to say, "you're not really interested in me" or "you don't know what you want" and if she tries to say anything like that, put your finger over her mouth and kiss her on the cheek.

If this doesn't work, nothing will. I understand what you're going through, people say "just move on" but its impossible because they don't know how you feel. Don't let your only way of expressing emotion be through words, use action and planning, and she'll understand what your feeling really are.

Avalon · Answer

Honestly, it can be two different things. She can just be saying those things to get compliments or have some major self-esteem issues. I doubt its the first one though because what she is saying is a bit extreme. I don't agree with others when they say she is a lost cause, too many people give up at the first sign of difficultly.

So instead of dwelling on this, see if you guys can find a solution. Obviously, you just saying things isn't going to be enough and she IS going to have to work on her self confidence too (she can't gain any without allowing herself to build it up). In NYC there are various workshops which include self-esteem workshops, (a REALLY good one is actually at the New York School of Burlesque, hehe). Also, another option would be to find the source of her low self-esteem. I have low self-esteem too, not that badly because I have been working on it for years, but I know that it stems from my parents when I was growing up. Anything could have happened in her life that you don't know about, she could have had parents who put her down constantly/being verbally abusive, she could have had an abusive boyfriend, she could have been sexually assaulted when younger, or she could just be another victim of the fashion industry/media. There are probably more then one reason why she has it. So get it from the source and encourage her/support her to build up that self-esteem.

scott63a · Answer

She is very insecure and immature. She sounds like she has some daddy issues. Either he's out of the picture or he has made her feel inadequate. Or, possibly a former boyfriend has caused these feelings of inadequacy.

What ever the reason, these types of people just plain and simply shouldn't be dating. They need time to mature and/or heal from their previous experiences. That "I'm not good enough for you" stuff should be an eye opener for you that it is time to move on to someone new. Unless you like projects, because that's what this relationship will probably be. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've seen it, and I've tried to be supportive just like you have. The cycle never ends.

curiousgirl81 · Answer

I don't think you should move on or give up on trying to date this girl despite her very obvious insecurity issues.  If you still want her and can't think of moving on then it's not the time for that.  If you get so annoyed with her comments/behaviors and feel like you can't deal with it anymore, then would be the time to move on and find someone else who you like to date.  I do agree that it's bad to feel so insecure, but I must admit I've felt that way myself, and I guess in a way I can commiserate with this girl, though she's a big more insecure than I've ever been.  Tell her you don't care if she doesn't think she's beautiful enough for you, you think she's beautiful and that's all that counts.  And not beautiful "enough," just beautiful.  Tell her the things about her personality that you love about her.  This is probably chessy to quote, but I remember a line from a movie called "(500) Days of Summer," and one of the supporting characters towards the end of the movie is describing his "ideal girl" and saying all the attributes she'd have that would make her the perfect girl, but then he said that his girlfriend (who doesn't necessarily have all the attributes either) was better because she was real.  Tell this girl that you don't care about hoping for something ideal when you have her in front of you, real, and amazing and that should be enough for her.  If after that she still persists in saying no, then do move on.  But tell her that whatever flaws she sees in herself physically and/or personality wise, you don't see them.  Sometimes the flaws we see in ourselves are the things others find most endearing about us, so if there's something she's worried about herself that you like a lot, let her know.  So bottom line, try until you feel like you can't try anymore and then tell her fine, you'll be friends but you can't sit there wanting someone who doesn't want you back, or won't be with you.  Good luck.

tex151 · Answer

She's playing the pitty card on you, don't fall for this crap. She's full of it no matter what she says. The point is, if she really likes you, then she wouldn't be saying that stuff. Think about it, if you liked a chick, would you point out all your flaws to her?

Would you say your ugly, your not smart enough, you think she should see other guys. No you wouldn't, well guess what the same goes for women, they will only point out flaws for two reasons, one would be to fish for a compliment, to boost up her self esteem. The other reason would be to try and get rid of a guy.

Softball25 · Answer

Don't worry, I am kind of in a similar situation. I have told my boyfriend the same thing, that I am not pretty and he deserves better. I know that I have a huge self confidence issue, I feel that I am not good enough for anyone. He tells me all the time that I'm the one he wants to be with, and on a few occasions he has told me that after we are done with school, I'm the one he wants to marry. I do love him very much and can see myself with him, I just don't have any confidence in myself. There had to have been something in her past that has made her feel that way. Its a slow process to gain confidence back, he tries to convince me all the time that I am good enough for him, that I'm beautiful, he also bring back some of the volleyball games and how good I did, etc...

but all in all, just be ther and try to keep her confidence up, and keep reminding her how much you love her and that you want to be with her.

xoxronixox · Answer

I'm the exact same way. Girls like to be complimented and told they're wanted often. I would write something special, to let her know that you really, really, really, want her and no other girl. I don't think that she's saying all this because she's not interested in you, though. Just try to get to her some more.

spike241 · Answer

I'm the same, sort of. I'm insecure and have told my boyfriend he could do better. But I know he's chosen to be with me and I'm not going to push him away and make us both unhappy, that won't solve anything.

If you really want to be with her, be firm. Tell her you're not going anywhere and that you really like her for who she is. Tell her she will lose you if she keeps pushing you away and that's not what you want. A lot of people are insecure but if she won't let anyone get close to her it's just going to get worse

joannabazeile · Answer

Heyyy, you're such a true and sweet guy! and I bet you love her more than you think you do :) You know what, I think you need to got to help her in her self-esteem thing. I can say, she need you about that. Think of things that can high herself up enough to say she's more than enough for you, and looks are no important if someone really loves a person. Or it can also be, that she's just making herself go humble, but its way too much.. I suggest, you really need to do some stuff that can help her self esteem high of being with you. I don't know how is that, but you'll figure it out soon :) Just stay in-love and all will go well between the two of you :) Best of luck!

GuyAdviceFromGuy · Answer

Bro, she knows she's beautiful and needs constant reminder and attention in knowing that she is indeed beautiful. Its like if you write a song, and its great but you ask everyones opinion just to be sure, its total self esteem issue.

She likes you but she's on the fence about you because you're doing something to make her uneasy and feel guarded, she says you deserve better because she's kinda losing interest but at the same time she likes you but you're doing something like being too nice.

Don't back off, just hang out with her again, tease her and move forward, be bold and make moves, she wants your c.ock.

LittleMissy93 · Answer

She has very very low confidence, she thinks that eventually, (maybe when you get to know her better or see her without makeup etc.) you won't like her anymore. She believes that you will eventually move on and wants to get it over quickly, before she gets too attached to you and you hurt her.

She's probably had bad experiences with past relationships and doesn't trust people anymore. Don't give up on her, it will only make her believe more sincerely that she isn't worth it for any guy and ruin her self esteem for good.

usagichan · Answer

Maybe she's just being honest.

The things she's saying... That's exactly what I say when I really like a guy, but am afraid/don't want to take a risk. Cause inevitably, the guys who I did date (but thought they could do better)... went ahead and found someone better.

Here's how it breaks down. When people see an ugly guy and a hot girl together, I think the assumption is he's rich/has a great personality/is awesome in bed, etc. When people see an ugly girl and a hot guy, I swear to God, it's like sending out a signal to other girls that says," Easy pickings."

My last ex-bf was a lot more attractive than me. He got hit on ALL the time. (I never did.) Girls would flirt with him right in front of me! He never did anything, as far as I know, but it got to be emotionally exhausting, watching all these girls assume he was with me out of pity/desperation/whatever. After a while, I just sort of felt like giving up.

MeeshMosh · Answer

Good luck with this one. She is lacking in some SERIOUS self-confidence and is pretty lucky to have a guy devoted to her. However, be aware this act is going to get old and FAST for you. Do you want to spend the rest of a relationship constantly having to pacify this girl.

If you are interested, you need to be honest and firm and tell her so. "I like you, I have told you I like you and I think you are beautiful. But questioning me constantly on that is not only hurtful to me, but is unattractive and will only make things difficult for us. If you want help building your confidence than we can work on that together - but you have to take the first step and stop pushig me away because of your insecurities. You are beautiful, but your attitude of late is not."

something like that?

minnie12 · Answer

She sounds like a lot of work.  Obviously you really like her but are you prepared for months or years of constantly reassuring her that she is good enough.  You can put up with this a little bit but believe me it will get old really fast.  I've found that people do this for two reasons (1) for attention; and (2) because they really have some deep seeded insecurities.  Anyone trying to get attention that was is just pitiful and anyone with that deep of insecurities is going to be very difficult to have a relationship with.  Unless your madly in love with her I'd say you may want to to date some other girls and not get too serious about this one.

kdizzleforizzle91 · Answer

This might sound stupid, but you should watch the movie "Bridget Jones's Diary."

Bridget Jones always had low self-confidence, but despite her minor imperfections, Mark Darcey fell in love with her anyway, saying "I like you, just as you are." Just let her know that the minor imperfections she has are the things you love about her. Also, stop saying "I don't want better, I want you." That sounds as if you think there is better than her out there, even though you were only repeating what she said for effect. You need to SHOW her, not just tell her, that you really mean it all. Use your heart when you speak to her, and not your head, just trying to find things to convince her.

Good luck! I hope you let me know how it goes, and that this helps a bit.

Papounetta · Answer

Damn that's really a big self-confidence matter ! Well if she thinks tha tyou deserve better than her, than you should tell her that you want to date her for a "while "don't put on her too much pressure with telling her that you just want her. Tell her, that "for now" you want to go out with her. And you said that she was feelink kinda selfish keeping you for herself, you should say then that if your relation doesn't work you'll find another one. I know that it isn't true and you only want her but I think that after dating you , she won't be able to let you go.

Anonymous · Answer

She is either super, beyond help insecure and just fishing for endless compliments from you or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you she isn't interested in you.

Oh, and never believe the person who is telling you this when they say they are not trying to let you down nicely. People who are comfortable with telling someone they are not interested, well they would never do any of this. It is only someone who is afraid to tell you the truth who would do this in the first place, and they could never, ever admit to you they don't want to date you.

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